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Why are absent BM's so volatile to SM's?

Jane1Doe's picture

First off, I get it. New woman in the picture, new woman around the child. I'm talking about the BM's that make you wonder. 

But if the SM is loving, non violating in the respect of who holds the actual title, supportive, educating, and gentle, why such venom?

Even if they were split long before you got together and it was HER choice to leave, and she only wants him back when you're in the picture?

Your kid is cared for, even a little spoiled. They are getting that head start, why kill it or battle it?

Dontfeedthetrolls's picture

In my case BM would rather SO be dead then let him be a parent or anything other than a paycheck. She cheated on him up and down through their marriage, was physically abusive, and she was the one who called it quits while blackmailing him to make him homeless, ensuring she had complete control.

She hates me because I came into the picture and built him back up. I support him and as such he actually has a relationship with his kids. I stopped him from going back to being homeless when she would blackmail him “give me money or you can’t see the kids”. I made him stop jumping at her command. I ruined her gravy train.

On top of it the kids like me. I help provide a safe, clean, loving home. I help provide support and structure while doing it in a way that is fair to the kids. I let her little girl be a little girl and so now the girl knows she isn’t supposed to do everything for her little brother. Her prefect mother image is threatened by my presences in her mind as it should be since she is a crap mother.

She’s not absent but I still wanted to comment.

Jane1Doe's picture

Mine is back in jail currently.

She gets visitation every Saturday, but has not seen the child in a month, and sends out guilt trips that I see the child more because I live closer. Or than I am not for to help because I am in college and thus, a party girl. 

DH had the child and was still paying her phone bill, has, food, clothes, cigarettes because she told him that if he wants baby to have a mom, he had better take care of her. 

I don't understand her.

StepUltimate's picture

A co-worker recently flew out of state to see her adult sons & ex in some mega-athletic race... and she cheerled them on with ex's current wife! I see how the soul-crushing Smom experience leads us here, but have to remind myself not all stepfamilies are this hard- some are actually pleasant & mature & united for their kids and appreciative of new spouses. 

But the BM's WE at StepTalk deal with? In our case, psycho BM is a narcissistic abuser, and she likes to hate on just about anyone. However, my existsnce can probably irritate her to a special level of rage because its a direct link to her failure as a mother, wife, and human. Which she cannot stand to be honest with her narcissistic self, so easier to blame her ex & me.

One thing is certain, she'd be delighted at the marriage-shaking/cracking anger my DH had toward me last night when SS bailed in lstead of apologizing to me like I was asking. I had a shitty Easter (worst ever by a long shot) thanks to BM's toxic training & passed-down character disorders. SS18 is acting out life in many of the deeply-flawed ways his BM modeled. 

Evil certainly does walk the earth.

momjeans's picture

I agree with Eastfacingwindow. The HCBM in our life was, and still is, all of that. A lot of insecurity, jealousy, and wanting to keep DH on ice as a single, but unavailable, dad and a source of love and attention to her whenever she wanted it. It was really gross in the beginning, and I had a very close, fun, and loving relationship with skid the first few years, but BM couldn’t handle it and shut it down. My DH basically stood by and watched and chose to do nothing about it, so I just let go of the rope. 


KittyKatMomma's picture

I've asked BM this (I've been around 11yrs now) and she said "i wanted you gone-he's my back up plan for when things with (current guy) doesn't work out." Basically she expected him to stay single for her.


well shame on you for getting caught riding current guy while you were still in the honeymoon stage of your marriage...along with being pregnant with SS.

CLove's picture

This seems to be the way of things. A high-conflict person will be high conflict no matter what.

When I first met SO, he was still going out dancing and to concerts with Toxic BM. They were "separated but not divorced".  He told me that it was a comfort thing. He was still trying to extract her from his life and his home, after finding out she was meeting men online. I came along, and 1 1/2 years after being friends, we made the decision to be in a relationship. She went ballistic on him, texted him while drunk, saying things about them having sex, how she was going to tell me ALL about him and how horrible a person he is, etc.

Well, as I do not scare easily, and I knew him to be a good man, and knowing we would be really good together, I did not back off. Now, a few years later, she still guilts SO about child, and money, she still asks to borrow his truck (not happening), she still asks him to pay for things like furnishing her apartment for SD, but her fangs have lost much of their poison and are very dull by now. Especially with all the abuse and crazy she has let loose on us.

Munchkin SD12 has seen her mother in all her toxic glory, and we are somewhat close. She is good company and very sweet.  She knows her mother to be a temperamental, crazy, selfish woman. That is the way of things/

Loxy's picture

I don't think BM need to be absent to be volatile. You're talking about highly emotional feelings which are rarely ever rational unfortunately.

I think a lot of the issue with BM's is jealousy and feeling like their position is threatened. They never pictured anyone else taking on that 'mum' role in their kids lives and many just don't deal with that well or at all - my DH's ex has certainly struggled.

BM has always resented how actively involved I am in the skids lives and clearly feels very threatened by me. She thinks I'm disrespectful to her because I don't respect her views and boundaries on what a SM should and shouldn't do.

We even went to mediation about it it years ago (at her request) which was a complete waste of time as she basically wanted to control how I live my life and I refused all attempts. She thought it was fine to bring her mother or sister to an event at the skids school but it wasn't ok for DH to bring me - such hypocrisy. I asked her how come it's ok for you to bring whoever you want from your family but DH doesn't have the same right - after all I'm married to DH so part of his family. She had no answer for that.

In the end I just said to her that if the skids ask or expect me to be at something (ie a school event) which is always the case then I'm going as there is no way I'm putting BM's feelings of insecurity and need to control before what's best for the skids. That went down a treat Smile

In the end she's had to accept that we manage things in our household in the way we think is best and the fact that the skids view our household as a happy family and view BM's household as two separate families under the one roof (BM has a partner with two kids) I know we are the ones who got it right!

ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

Our BM is absentee as s*** and hates me (and DH)... Personally I think she's a Narcisistic Sociopath... Because she fits the bill... Only cares if she has a use, the less use she has for them, the less she cares. But since it's all about how the children benefit her and not their happiness, I think it royally pisses her off that the girls aren't constantly pining for the abandoning, serial cheating, druggie "mom." Therefore she hates us, because we're actually doing a good job, and we're ruining her being able to use and abuse the girls, because that's the only reason she had them (it's a sad but true fact... Sad )

Rags's picture

Insecure idiots are insecure idiots and have no confidence.  It is this that actually makes them easily replacable and easy to write off even for their own children... when those children have a stable sense of normalcy in the other parents home.   If  they could figure out that they would be far less replacable if they were reasonable, confident and engaged they might just figure out how to life a decent life.

But that ain't happenin for most of them it seems.