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I’m really struggling to “like” my step child

CampingKitty7's picture

Good morning,

I feel like the worst person on the planet for typing this, but I just can’t shake the feeling.  I have grown to be incredibly annoyed by my stepson.  Even worse, he has autism and my annoyance makes me feel even more guilty.  When we first met and for the first few years, he and I got along really well!  Of course there were moments where he was obnoxious or out of line in his behavior, but I am pretty patient and I didn’t let it get to me.  He’s special needs and many things could be chalked up to that.  He’s now a teenager and is starting to go through puberty and I am finding him to be insufferable.  He suddenly tries to hug me and lay his head on my chest (I’m a woman, you can guess why), he comes out of the shower and yells my name so I will look at him, he throws tantrums and throws things, he is addicted to his iPod touch and is a brat if it is taken away from him, he’s constantly touching his private area, etc etc.  He gets angry and calls us rude or dumb or mean.  He burps and farts and just laughs about it and refuses to say excuse me.  This is all in addition to his normal behaviors of asking thousands of questions a day, which of course can wear us down alone.  He wants to snuggle up still on the couch which now seems repulsive to me, as much as I feel terrible for saying that.  We try to discipline him, but he just keeps doing all of the things we don’t want him to even after he apologizes.  I totally get that he’s a teenager now and most of this is teenage behavior, but with the added layer of autism, it’s so diffucult to deal with, and he makes a spectacle of himself in public.  I just find myself dreading when we are going to have him at our house, and my husband really misses him when he is gone.  He still even gets choked up when he drops him off to the child’s mom’s house, but I am doing a happy dance inside my head and have to hold that in to be sympathetic to my partner.   It would break my husbands heart to know I don’t really enjoy being around his son anymore, so I don’t have anyone really to talk to about this.  Am I the worst person ever?  I feel so guilty!  :-(

beebeel's picture

No, you aren't the worst. Teenagers are the worst. It is perfectly normal to be annoyed by this behavior. It is perfectly normal to not want to cuddle a kid who has his hands on his junk 87 times a day. (My nephew12 is autistic and he's had that problem for years...we don't cuddle).

tog redux's picture

Eww, this sounds awful. No, you aren't the worst person ever. Your DH sounds like one of the worst parents ever, though, for not setting limits on some of this stuff. 

Missingme's picture

Your autistic SS is undoubtedly looking at pornography (Tragically, most children are doing so and it's harming them and others greatly.) and/or 'might' be being sexually abused by someone, thus the interest in touching you and touching himself in front of you and others.  Should you feel guilty for your feelings, to include the repulsion in light of the aforementioned?  Heck, no!  In fact, if your husband doesn't deal strictly with this completely unacceptable behavior and start restricting his smartphone access and looking in to what may be happening to him, the behaviors will probably continue to get worse, if you can fathom that. 

I find it very odd that your husband gets choked up when his son goes to his mother's for visitation.  IMO, that's weird and unusual behavior from a man, especially.  I think I'd pay close attention to my SS and dad's relationship.  

You might sit down with your husband and tell him exactly how you feel, to include sharing this info.  You seem like a very nice person/SM, btw.  

 

meatball23's picture

No, it's not terrible. I kind of felt that way too until I realized there are thousands of people who feel this way. SK's (especially if you don't like or want kids) are a huge burden and serve as a constant reminder of their past relationship (not a jealously thing, just a human thing). Every person is capable of thinking with logic and emotion but this is one of those areas where emotion overrides logic lol. Logically, I am glad my SO is doing the right thing and is in his sons life (even though he never wanted kids) because everyone should have a mother and a father in their lives. Emotionally, I wish he would have walked and said "screw this" because she lied abt being on a contraceptive in an effort to have a baby that SHE wanted in spite of him not wanting one, and also her effort to save a toxic relationship, which clearly backfired anyway. I feel ZERO threat by her towards my relationship and that is 100% true. I know they don't even like to co parent let alone have any feelings towards one another all these years later. I also know I have leaps and bounds more to offer in the area of literally everything lol. My anger comes from the sense that I took all the necessary measures to never get pregnant, knowing i didn't want kids, wasn't about that life, yet am still affected by a combination of BM being a psycho and him making a bad decision 5 years ago. Like why do I have to deal with this bs? Why should this be my problem? I want quiet. All the time. Even 4 days a month is too much for me and I want to run and hide (and i do lol). He only comes over 2 days a week every other week, he's actually well behaved and a good kid overall, but at the end of the day, half of his DNA is her evil mixture of chromosomes and therefore, by association, he's part evil simply by existing and ruining the perfect harmony I had prior to this bs. He's also served up with a side dish of a stupid ass baby mama that will have a legal tie to us for the next 13.5 years (yes I'm counting). OH and if God forbid anything happened to her, I'd be really screwed bc then my SO would have full custody!! I would not be able to handle it. So as much as I despise her, I need her alive and well to take care of this kid lol.  So you are totally normal! I'm sure deep down inside you have a rational piece of your brain that tells you why you should be an upstanding citizen of society especially because he's autistic and you feel guilty bc it feels selfish....and the emotional part of your brain that says fuck this! I'm more rational than emotional in general but in the particular situation, the rational is almost nonexistent and has been totally replaced by resentment and a state of annoyance and anger when it's time for a "visit" (which I always pray gets canceled LOL). So I can't imagine full time. Best of luck. 

Sam2's picture

That's why I was so glad to find this site.  I was feeling like the worst parent also.   Autistic children can be taught appropriate behavor.   Good luck. 

 

greenskin's picture

You're not the worst. Autism is a developmental delay. So it mostly sounds like his body is a teenager but his brain is still pre-teen.

Get a copy of the book Stepmonster and show it to your DH. Explain to him that even under the best of circumstances, stepmoms and stepkids don't have a lot of love for each other. Then explain how that's even harder with special needs.

Does your SS ideally has some sort of treatment plan with an austism-focused therapist and/or school system? If so, have weekends at your house been incorporated into that plan?