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Stepdad who’s tried hard feeling like failure

Ern-dad's picture

Im sorry if this topic is already out there but I couldn’t find any.

Im 50, stepson is now 18, him and his mom my wife became apart of my life when he was 8. They are from the Philippines and the first 2 years were exciting and filled with joy and lits of discovery for the two them being new in America. 

We moved into a home, my stepson learned english fast and soon became completely americanized. He wasn’t disciplined much and I had attempted to be the disciplinarian because I understood the pitfalls of American society and worried, much like a real father should. To me he was my son, I really gave everything to him and wanted his life to better than mine. 

We began to give him responsibility by doing chores, he was expected to maintain his schooling but he never did his chores and was doing poorly in school. My attitude was discipline and I’d get upset...for example: he was supposed to pick up the dog poo daily from his dog, I came home and asked if he’d done it and he said “no” and at first I would ask him why, he said “I don’t know I forgot” and I asked him to please remember tomorrow to which he always said he would. After several weeks I told him one Saturday to get his ass outside and pick up the dog shit... I hadn’t cursed much until this time.

 At the time life was pretty stressful, job insecurity, my wife completing college that she’d always dreamed of and money was tight and there was a lot of stress. I begin to feel like every word I said was being ignored by my stepson, on top of that I learned that my wife had been telling her son that it’s OK if he doesn’t do it so not only was I being ignored by my stepson but my wife was telling him behind my back he wasn’t required to do it.

 To be completely honest I begin to be somewhat of a jerk of a stepdad, I pretty much rode his ass about everything for about two years until one day I came home and I could tell he was fearful of me and it just broke my heart,  I remember feeling that way with my own father. I walked over and gave them a big hug and told him I was sorry for being a mean dad and that I loved him and I really want him to be successful in life. 

 

 He was 12 years old at this point and I begin to read parenting websites to get a device, I enrolled him in sylvan learning center for kids so he could do better in school and then I told him he doesn’t need to do chores that from now on his only job is to get a B or better in school. It worked,  his grades improved greatly I could see him becoming more confident and it seemed as though we had a good relationship going on until the day he went to high school.

 He’s 18 years old now and for the last four years he’s been completely private, shut out, treats our house like it’s a hotel and whenever he’s asked to do something he always forgets, over and over again he forgets, in fact I don’t remember one time that is ever done anything I’ve asked.  I have gotten mad but not like when he was younger I now explain myself and how it makes me feel,  I used to blow up and curse but I never spanked him or hit him however I have grabbed him by his hand walked him to his room and told him to stay in there and slammed the door but he seem to enjoy his private time so I stop doing that . 

 So I guess my point is I feel like I’ve tried really hard, I’ve spent a lot of money which is not the point I only say that because I feel I sacrificed a lot raising this boy like he was my own giving him a good education, he now does excellent in school he’s top of the class and he wants to go to college that I’m helping him with that, of course has that entitled attitude, he doesn’t  lie or cause trouble and he’s really a good boy but I recently found a letter he wrote for college admissions speaking about how alone he was coming to America and that is never had a friend or any male figure to look up to that is just been him all alone and it made me feel like I’m a complete failure and everything I’ve done has been a waste.

 

 

ldvilen's picture

You didn't do anything wrong.  It is how America looks at step-parents--they are seen as expendable.  You can come into their life at age 1 or age 50, but any failures they have in their life will be attributed to you and your "meddling," and any successes they have in their life will be attributed to mom, dad and any other bios, and that is even if mom or dad has been largely absentee.

If there is one thing kids seem to know how to do nowadays, it is how to milk something for their benefit.  My guess is even at age 18, your SS knows going on and on about "coming to America and having nobody," will help him get into his college of choice.  What is the truth has little to do with it.

What can you do now about it after the fact?  Not much, unfortunately.  Some step-parents are skilled or lucky enough to catch on to this catch-22 (that no matter what you do, there is absolutely no guarantee of a positive outcome) fairly quick and therefore step-back fairly quickly and disengage somewhat from being that heavily vested in their SKs' lives.  Others, however, like myself, don't find out for quite some time and have to go through the agonizing revelation that for years they have been putting much time and money and effort and energy (energy that they could have been vesting in themselves and others that would have appreciated it) into these children, only to wind up with little to nothing to insults that you even exist in return.

Step-kids maybe don't mean to do this, but society gives 'em a pass to go after the wicked stepparent, and many a times the bio-parent either accidentally, on purpose, or accidentally on purpose allows this or enables it to continue.  The bios just want to keep their hands as clean as possible and their relationships with their own as clear as possible.  If that means dumping crap or blame on step-mom or step-dad, so be it.

Once you realize the above and you take a closer look at your marriage, and still feel that your marriage at least is worth saving, then you focus on that and working on that--your marriage.  SKs, especially once they are 18, don't need to take up anywhere near as much of your energy or time or thoughts anymore.  Look out for yourself and your spouse.  Let SK go and let him do what he claims he wants to do or has been doing--fend for himself.

Java_Junkie's picture

I'd say you've done a great job. I would have been a lot firmer on the responsibilities around the house and probably would have a kid who's reluctant to talk to me at this point, so you got something right. As for his entitled mindset, he's in for a rude awakening, and when he gets roommates, a girlfriend, or a boss, he's going to struggle at least at first. But it'll be at that point when he decides he doesn't like people telling him what to do, he'll come home and at that point, you can say, "Uhh, that was what I was trying to instill into you, an abiliy to tolerate life. you rejected my lessons and opted for life's lessons to come now. So, how are those 'school of hard-knocks' lessons coming?" Or something like that.

marblefawn's picture

Maybe he just wrote that to make his essay more appealing -- you know, to sound as if he pulled himself up by his bootstraps, blah, blah, blah.

Don't assume what he wrote is what he believes, especially because the essay wasn't necessarily meant for your eyes. It was a college essay designed to lobby admissions personnel -- that's all you should take from it. It's not a diary or a letter to his best friend -- it's only as real as any other public relations writing!

Maybe SS believes everything he wrote, but then again, maybe SS is laying it on thick because he didn't know what else to write. College essays are awkward in the range of resume cover letters and sympathy cards -- they're hard to write. So you don't really know what SS thinks of you.

That said, there are a lot of stories on here about stepparents who busted their asses to raise their skids and thought they had love relationships with them. In the end, they are hurt to learn the skid never really "took" to them and there remains an us versus them mentality many years later.

Biologically speaking, I don't think it's realistic to expect seamless relationships when there is no blood -- it simply seems as if people are programmed to reject what isn't their blood.

On top of that, when you SS moved here, he wasn't just dealing with a new parental figure -- he was dealing with a whole new language, landscape and world. He may have felt he was all alone through that -- without siblings, without his "real dad." No matter how good you were, he may have always longed for his real dad -- it seems many people do (that's why adopted folks seek out their bio parents). You may not see yourself as a substitute for the real thing because you gave him so much, but I'm not sure it's realistic to expect him to see you as the real thing. He's never been a dad, he's never loved a child, he's never parented a kid who's not his own. He might not have enough life experience to appreciate what you did for him yet. Give it time.

Regardless of all that, don't let this get you down, even if you suspect it's really how SS feels. You did right by the kid, you did your best. Even if it's not reciprocated, you should feel good that you turned around his grades and you gave him opportunity. It was the right thing to do, even if it gets you no thanks. It would be nice if it came with thanks, but go easy on yourself. Sometimes we have to be our own cheerleaders.

 

ldvilen's picture

No one HAS to feel good about giving up a piece of their soul and getting little more than shitasu in return.  "Even if it's not reciprocated, you should feel good that you turned around his grades and you gave him opportunity."

That's something professional counselors and bio-parents came up with to justify you getting nothing other than a foot up your butt in exchange for putting up with someone else's major family foul-up for years and years.  And, "Give it time . . ." is pretty much on the same level.  Step-parents are often told to give it time, so when they finally figure out there is no appreciation, accolades or even mini unicorns and rainbows coming their way, ever, that foot is so far up their butt that there is no possible way to ever disengage from it.

marblefawn's picture

Well, I'm no counselor nor a bio parent, but in my own case, I know I did what I could to win over SD so I feel no guilt for the mess we're in. That is a comfort to me -- knowing I tried, tried, and tried again and nothing worked. I like knowing I have no blame.

Maybe it's where you come from. My mother is hypercritical and I still have her 10-page letter sent to me in college calling me her "greatest failure." I carry a lot of shame on a daily basis. So when relationships fail, it's important to me to know I gave it my all and I tried my best or I will blame myself and carry the shame that I wasn't good enough for SD to like me.

Because of the age of the OP's SS, I thought perhaps the terrible teens attitude is at work. It's a difficult age and teens aren't always fair to the adults around them. But I think that can change as they get older and get some experience under their belts.

Short of walking out of his marriage, what else can the OP do but give it time? People change every year of their lives, so it's not out of the question that his SS might come around, especially because OP says he is basically a good kid.

I'm sorry my two cents didn't live up to your expectations. My mother's constant gift of  shame is probably why I'm even trying to explain myself in an online forum to a person I never even met.

elkclan's picture

oh I used to get letters like that from my mom. When I asked for her help in leaving my abusive husband, she told me she didn't believe me because I'd nover mentioned it before. (Errr - I was afraid she wouldn't be sympathetic). 

She said she'd send me a letter after that...thank goodness she didn't. 

marblefawn's picture

Wow, yea, these women are not go-to mothers, are they? My own never should have had kids!!!

I also handled several traumatic situations on my own because I was always told, "Don't come to me for help if XYZ happens." So I didn't. But navigating so much on my own at such a young age only intensified the trauma and made me feel more ashamed. It took me years to shake the impact, and, as you can tell, I never shook all of it.

I'd like to say, "but hey, Elk, didn't having a mother like that make you stronger???" but I know it doesn't necessarily make us stronger.

ldvilen's picture

Marblefawn, no insult was intended to you nor anyone else.  And I agree I was a little harsh.  The point I was trying to make is that there are just too many sayings out there in reference to SPs that covertly imply that SPs have to accept their beneath-the-initial-family status.  All of these sayings, such as take the high road, suck it up and take it, you weren’t there first, and yes, you should feel good that you sacrificed so much for someone who treats you like dirt, fall into that category.

To me, they all imply that the initial family is somehow clean as a whistle and can do no wrong.  If anyone in that family acts up or goes after you, the step-parent, then you have to just take the high road, suck it up and take it, realize you came along after the fact, or just feel good that you sacrificed so much for someone who treats you like dirt, and so on.  In other words, you as a SP just have to accept your beneath-the-initial-family status, while they, on the other hand, can do whatever they please—they can kick the dog all they want, even while it is down, and it is still the dog’s fault for being in the way.

What can the OP do about it?  Not much at this point, and I agree with you totally on that.  And, I realize you were just trying to make the OP feel better.  Yet, I just get so miffed, and yes, do over-react sometimes, when I even glance the appearance of the initial family getting a free-pass to do whatever they so desire, while the step-parent is expected to not only be beyond perfect but is expected to sacrifice any and all part of their life for the “sanctity” of the initial family AND be content with their lower, servant-like status in the family to boot.  No one should even remotely have that expectation, and far too many do right now. 

But, again, I realize you were just trying to make the OP feel better. 

2Tired4Drama's picture

While you may have considered SS your son, he obviously does not (and probably will never) consider you his father.  This is the harsh reality. 

At best, he may come around as he matures and eventually see you as a trusted friend or mentor.  But don't count on it.  Since he is only 18, it is normal that he is starting to pull away but that does not mean that he gets a free pass to do what he likes and expect you to pay the bills.

If he wants to take that tactic, then he can pick up his own tab for college and figure out a way to work and pay for it.  No more handouts from you.  It might be a good idea to extend that to your wife as well.  It seems like they are both getting a great education, a very much improved lifestyle, and futures with lots of promise.   So what are you getting out of your relationships with them?

The fact your DW has not enforced the rules nor encouraged a better relationship with you is a large part of the problem.  I don't know how much nor how seriously you discussed this prior to marriage but that should have been solidified before you got married and before they came here.   If your DW agreed that you would both be on the same page with parenting but is now ignoring that agreement - then you have a problem with your wife you need to solve. 

This won't go away when the SS goes to college, either, since this can continue forever.  Are you expected to foot his bills yet be relegated to a position of invisibility otherwise?  Why in the world would that be acceptible to you?  Where is this boy's father and is there a chance he can re-appear at some point?  If so, you need to steel yourself for that, too.  Since SS is now 18 he can search for and further develop a relationship with his biological father without any regard for you at all.   

In my opinion, it appears you have devoted the last 10 years of your life to two people who may have only seen you as a means to an end.  I truly hope I am wrong in that regard.  Only you can decide how to proceed at this point.  Have you discussed this with any of your family members - what are their thoughts?

 

elkclan's picture

We all make mistakes in parenting. Being too harsh, being too mean, being too easy!  It's great that when you noticed he was afraid of you you changed tack. From his perspective though, it's hard to not be afraid and he probably did feel alone. I think it sounds like you had good intentions but some poor tactics. When you realised it, you changed. That is so, so, so much more than many people ever do. 

I'd take the whole college essay thing with a grain of salt. Also most teens are really self-centred. You can take pride in what you've achieved. You can be doubly proud you self-corrected! 

Rags's picture

Bullshit he doesn't lie. You have written proof that he does.   With his bullshit application essay you know he is a lying POS.  So call him on it.. and inform him that you will no longer be helping him with college and he has to be out of the house no later than 24 hours of walking for his HS diploma since he has "never had a friend or any male figure to look up to that is just been him all alone" . 

Inform him that for the remainder of his Sr year of HS he will have chores, they will be done, and zero lazy shit or lippy crap will be tolerated.  Make sure  your message is clear and that you nail his ass to the wall for any deviation from that clear mandate.  He is 18 already and if he fails to comply you can boot his ass immediately.  Be ready and fully commited to doing it if he tests you on your resolve.

Write him off. Until he earns  his way back into your life.  In hind sight.... enforcing his chores and applying effective discipline is something  you and his mom shoudl have done.

See how he enjoys truly not having a male figure to help, guide and support thim.