Vent-DH, Ss stuff
I am rather new to this blog thing but I’m desperately seeking advice for dealing with my step family situation. I have a young daughter, not quite two that I’m managing, and a ten year old stepson as well that we get every weekend as my DH has shared custody. I’m also pregnant with my second (also a girl)! Since I became a step momma, I’ve been reading untold amounts of articles and blogs to help me out, and doing my best but I’m not quite sure where I’m going wrong. If I am. Anyway....
My SS is and has been lying and arguing to my face since a little after we got married. Very often when I request him to do something (like putting his socks on) to helping with chores (which he has rarely). Most times it’s small stuff I’m trying to show him, and for me it turns into huge stuff because he’s arguing and talking over me before I can even get the words out of my mouth. If I confront or try to correct his behavior, he’s lying to my face without batting an eyelash saying he didn’t just do that. Other times he has done something not allowed, even willfully disobeyed me in front of me, and denies it without guilt or fear of consequences. Other times, talking disrespectfully, and ignoring me/ delaying when I tell him to do something or telling me no outright. It’s a constant fight just to live in the same house with him. I love him, but I am emotionally drained and dread the next time I have to talk to him.
I have been totally confused when dealing with him, as I’ve second guessed myself many times, or tried to give him the benefit of the doubt when dealing with him. I really want to be more loving with him, but I’m absolutely at my wits end, and it feels without help or support. I’ve even gone to both parents for advice or clues into his behavior (more my DH) as they are tight to get clues into why he does things or how to deal with him, but I’m dealing with it now like those are excuses.
on the other side of things, from the beginning with my DH, things have been off and on exasperating. I never thought I would be a mom, so I was delighted with my new son. Then we got pregnant right off the bat, and my husband really laid on the pressure to literally quote everything said in conversation to his ex or her parents when they come to pick him up. They have taken him to court to take his rights away over stupid stuff, and his ex gets off on threatening him sometimes. Now, after 2 years, my DH is undermining my authority at various times when I am dealing with SS in front of the kid, won’t let us discuss him in private when he’s there and dealing with something right now, but wants to do it right in front of him, and we have personal disagreements in front of this kid. My DH works a lot, so disciplining SS is mainly my job, and I totally feel like the evil stepmom. In the midst of this, my kid SS is using my husbands cluelessness and times he’s zoned out to act out. Other times, it’s manipulation and underhanded threats direct from bio mom through him (she does that too). The threats haven’t happened often, but they are very real. DH ex has parents who fund everything for her, so she gets lawyers and can prosecute my husband to her hearts content if she wants. So I’m stuck not saying anything cause I’m not sure what will help or hurt the situation.
I’m dealing with my little one in the midst of this. One time I literally thought my SS was gonna eventually die from arguing when I told him to look both ways the first time we crossed the street, and the next time. I think the first time it took him several minutes to comprehend what I said while my hands were full with baby and we were crossing. It’s a one way street and he looked the wrong way, and could have been hit. The next time he was too busy arguing with me about whether or not I told him to look both ways or the right way and stopped literally in the street and could have been hit. Both times I couldn’t get the words out fast enough or right, and even when I do I’m dealing with a kids criticizm. My main concern wasn’t his arguing, but his cluelessness and carelessness when crossing the street cause he’s zoned out so much of the time.
Sorry this is so long. DH says the lying is normal at his age, and they both zone out hard, especially at home or with electronics. I want to leave for periods of time alone to get away and time for myself but am afraid to since I’m not sure I want to leave my LO there. So I don’t go anywhere, or rarely do anything. People on DHs side don’t like to talk about how to deal with it, and people on my side don’t have good advice. They say things like, “you knew what you were getting into.” (Nuh-uh) “Just love him the same as your child”, or “ just watch your reactions and everything will be fine eventually”.