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How do you handle SO accusations of not liking or loving skid?

young-mom's picture

Like if you mention kid in convo does your DH say that you “don’t like my kid”? How do you respond?

Comments

Jcksjj's picture

Now? I say well why would I like her. At first it was no that's no true. But thats what he was hoping to hear, followed by how I actually love her. So he'd keep doing it. After agreeing with him that nope I dont like her he stopped saying it.

GoingWicked's picture

I agreed with him, I told him he was raising a kid that wasn’t very likable.  That ended it very early on.

Chmmy's picture

Ive said things like yep I hate them. Thats why ive done abc & xyz for them and changed their lives for the better. I explain to him it's not the kids but how they treat him & how he reacts to them. I turn everything around on him because raising these kids is on him.

Ispofacto's picture

I have it easy.

MIL, SIL, cousins, etc, don't like Kiljoy.  I think if DH was honest he'd admit he doesn't like her either.

 

NotURMomma's picture

I disagree with parts of that rant/article. When I make a decision it’s done and dusted. My disengagement from Stepdemon is absolute and utterly permanent.

He is not my responsibility or problem.

thinkthrice's picture

that this article was developed when the concept of disengagement was just starting out and all SMs were nothing more than mere doormats.... and we were supposed to stand there and take it.

Now the option to completely disengage and not get drawn back in "after improvement" is more common and most likely much more preferable.

young-mom's picture

AsOk. So I tried disengagement? Maybe I didn’t do it correctly. There was a point where I just stayed in my room to avoid having an argument with skid, and my DH got frustrated and a few times yelled and asked me why I was always in our room when we’re all at home. If you guys want to know details of skid and DH behavior, just read my first blog posting. Sorry, it would just take too long to explain!

I have had maybe like 3 or 4 come to Jesus conversations since we married and I’ve required changes to behavior from both of them specifically in the last two (but only spoke to DH). The problem with disengagement is we have skid EVERY weekend, unless it’s the one weekend a month BM sometimes requires to spend more time with him. Through the summer, we had him one more night a week. The other problem is I have a two year old and a now 6 month old with DH. I decided after a bit I couldn’t stop being a parent to my littles or let skid run the roost and be disrespectful. That was when I was still pregnant with 6 month old.

Things have changed to a certain extent and I have vented a lot. Probably to my DH it sounds like old stuff to him. To me that’s not necessarily the case. Skid only ever did the nasty behavior when he knew DH couldn’t correct him or wasn’t in the room or paying any attention. The only people skid does it to is ladies teaching him in Sunday school ( he doesn’t like it or crafts) or people requiring to get off his butt and take a shower, or pick up his socks or whatever. He doesn’t do it with dad because Daddy is  the one he wants to be close to. Bear in mind my husband was the first one to tell me that skid doesn’t respect women because of how BM raised him. And that he misbehaved on the regular with Sunday school teachers at DH old church, then at our mutual next one. It was always their problem- they treat him differently, they don’t like him, they’re not being fair, blah blah blah. To a certain extent some unfair treatment did happen at our mutual church.

Ill be honest and say I’m more hurt and disgusted than anything else. I’ve invested a lot with this kid, and I still ended being the bad guy, and the kid was an asshole. Just since January this year, he went and did this shit with my mother when she watched the kids while I was at the OB for my baby. Anyway, anytime I mention his name dh gets mad and says like “ here we go, it’s always about skid, I knew that’s where you were going, what else has he done wrong, you just don’t like him”. I’ve said so why is he a healthy and clean person who gets to do almost nothing but play video games and eat food I cook? I hate it. I hate it so much. It’s so spiteful. I’ve dealt with a buttload of highly stressful crap from his family and mine and skids along with all of this. Why am I being accused of this or treated like this? I require this kid be able to get his own drinks from the fridge, pick up his crap, and not talk back, talk to me like a child.... Not Talk back, not lie, and manipulate. That’s all. 

Skid has changed his behavior a bit. And DH is on him more now, and catches him more often. It’s still not a lot because I really stopped asking him to do anything without DH aware and in the room, and made DH aware and ok what I was asking.

DH has been awful at follow through punishment, and if I push it than I made him do it. He made comments about how I was inconveniencing HIM, when I made him pick up skid from school( part of my requirements for change) etc. Just seems like hubs has gotten more hard hearted toward me for this since we had the conversations. I have been referencing Skids behavior from time to time. On all other fronts he’s good. Just the other day he voluntarily went to get groceries for me and he hates to do it. I didn’t even ask him. 

 

 

 

strugglingSM's picture

Sometimes I tell him that his kids are unlikeable and it’s the role of the parent to teach your kid how to be a likeable person.

DH used to hope that someday I would love his kids, but I’ve encouraged him to lower his expectations. Toleration, respect, and maybe compassion are the most he should expect.

Having SSs EOWE who are demanding, complain a lot, and cannot be expected to do anything (per BM and DH) means that right now I feel like the hotel manager or cruise director when they are around. No one likes to feel like they have a second, unpaid job that they didn’t ask for, in their own home. DH wanted to be the parent, so he should take on all the “work” of parenting. He has ensured that SSs will always feel like a burden to me, so he can’t expect that I would feel happy to have this extra burden. No one is that selfless...unless they’ve chosen to devote themselves to a life of service and even those people would pick a cause more worthy than entertaining entitled stepchildren.

young-mom's picture

I do think like that sometimes. In my head, I’m asking for money when asked to watch him on Teachers meetings days or whatever. It won’t happen for awhile since I’ve been adamant about not doing it or rarely doing anymore. Lol. But it would still be cathartic if I could. I won’t though. 

Thisisnotus's picture

I would never admit to not liking my skids.....overall I like them as people and they are polite to me. I would tell DH, if he pressed me, that it's the adults (BM, DH, MIL) involved that cause the problems....that cause friction, stress and drama in my home....which unfortunately spills  over on to the kids shoulders....by no real fault of their own.

 

 

Dontfeedthetrolls's picture

I’d wonder what he was smoking.

Really is this a common event for your house or has something happened?  I would try to work out the real issue. What happened that is making him say it?

If my partner said it I would be really confused. I’m at work today and I’ve already texted him twice asking him when he was getting my kiddos. I get super excited when we have them and I’ve been working a lot of over time because I’m saving up for a couple big things I want to do with them. Basically he KNOWS I love the children like they are mine.

Maybe you’re partner has seen something you didn’t realize? Maybe one of the kids has said something? Maybe he’s stressed out over work or other family is pestering him about something?

Dontfeedthetrolls's picture

Didn't say they are? They are no more a replacement then adopting a child or fostering a child. You don't have to birth a child to care for them like they are your own. I don't have an issue if I don't pass my DNA on. I don't have an issue focusing on helping support and raise these two children rather than adding more to an already unstable world.

The question wasn't do you think step children can replace real children, it was how to handle a partner saying you don't like the kids. I was explaining why that wouldn't happen in our home and asking for more details to see why it might be happening in OPs. I think that's a bit more helpful than saying disengage or encouraging more conflict between her and her partner.

Maybe she doesn't love them. That's fine. I'm not saying she has too. I'm saying if she does and he's saying this she needs to look at why.

Honestly in my case the children are really young. I couldn't picture being with my partner and not liking his kids considering I have over a decade before I could reasonably think they are out of my life but since I have them I'm sort of hoping we maintain and respectful loving relationship and I'll be happy to continue a bond into their adulthoods.

young-mom's picture

It’s happened when I brought SS up in come to Jesus conversations where I’ve put my foot down.  DH hasn’t said it lately  but it’s still been hurtful. 

i can see that my DH has made changes and strides. And I’ve disengaged from SS for awhile. Not completely but I stopped trying to tell him to do anything without DH aware. I even draw SOs attention to what I ask when I ask and put him on the spot so he knows when to back me up. 

It’s been a little while since I wrote this, and I had to realize that I was letting anxiety and worry cloud my judgement, and letting legitimate stressors get to me too much. I’ve been trying to work on that, since it’s affected me and my girls, relationship with DH, and my health.

ndc's picture

"You don't like/love my kids" is part of the standard bio parent handbook - the classic, knee-jerk  response to a stepparent complaint about a skid.  I do love my skids, and even like them most days, and I do a ton for them, but DH still says this on occasion when I voice a legitimate complaint. I usually roll my eyes and tell him to get real.

Kes's picture

I would say, no, damn right I don't like your kid/s - I'd like to see you like someone who has been vile to you for x number of years. 

advice.only2's picture

I was always honest with my DH and told him he and meth ex were raising a sociopath and there was nothing to like about that.

NotURMomma's picture

I would say “I love you” kiss him and sashay away. Perhaps even distract him with sex.

He has never said that, though.

thinkthrice's picture

"they hated me first"

Then there's ye olde chestnut:  "You're the adult here and they're juuuuuussssst kiiiiiiiiiddddds" "You should tryyyyyy haaaaarrrrdddddeeeerrrrr."

advice.only2's picture

Oh yes I had that chestnut thrown in my face by my DH, my mother, our marriage counselor.

susanm's picture

I have gotten that one too.  But when it has come from a counselor, that was the last time that I was in their office.  I will take a shower with my blowdryer before I pay someone for that crap!

When it came from my DH at first I protested that it was not true and I was trying my best to make them a part of my life.  At that point I had not given up on the idea of being a family.  But they are adults now and that dream is dead and gone.  One I am cordial with and that is good enough.  The other hates my guts and the feeling is mutual.  The last time he did the "you hate her" routine, my response was "no sh*t, DH - thank you for having a firm grasp of the obvious."  He has not said it since.

young-mom's picture

On here and I’ve been wondering if our relationships would become that way. I don’t want them to be. I want to be a good mom, and stepmom and I want SS to like me. I’ve just been burned so I’ve been leery of doing too much lol. I don’t like being unappreciated and I’ve been afraid of affecting DH and SS relationship and access. 

i think what you told your SO is funny. Lol.

Steptalker2's picture

Yep!

BethAnne's picture

This is something that my husband is unlikely to say as a throw away comment. If it was a concern of his then we would have a discussion about it. If it was true then he is a rational person who would accept that I am allowed to have my own feelings and emotions. We would then discuss if we thought that my emotions were noticeable to SD and if it was affecting her and if so, try to find ways of eliminating or minimzing the impact on her (she is still young). If she were an adult and I hated her, then I would probably just avoid her but not feel a need to fake that I liked her. 

still learning's picture

SS was in his late 20's when DH and I got married and I still got the "You don't like my kid" speil.  In the beginning I took the bait and tried to justify and defend myself which only gave ss and DH more ammo to throw my way. Later I learned to just give DH a confused look and leave the room. Today I never bring skids up in conversation and if DH does I listen briefly and change the subject.  In short, I don't play the "You hate my kid" game anymore. It's beneath me.  

Evil3's picture

Several years ago, my counsellor advised to never admit I hated my SKs or it would be the end of my marriage. Counsellor said to deny it and even lie if I wanted to prevent a divorce. DH would pull the “you just hate her” line when it came to my SD30. I would back-pedal like crazy because I thought I was preventing my divorce. One day I couldn’t take it anymore and I thought what the hell. I might as well admit it. DH used the “you just hate her” line and I said yes! I told DH that I despised SD and that I hate her with the passion of a thousand fiery suns. He was stunned silent. I went on to say that the fact that I hate her guts was all his fault for not parenting her and allowing her to turn into a vile creature. I then said that he elevated her above me and she is his wife and love of his life. DH never used that line on me since. He also knows I still hate her and would do ANYTHING to make sure our DD19 does not do ANYTHING like SD does.

NotSoStepStepmom's picture

Honesty is the best policy. It must’ve felt pretty good getting that little gem off of your chest that day. Smile

NotSoStepStepmom's picture

Good! With all the steplife crap we all have to deal with, feeling liberated for a moment is well deserved. LOL!

hereiam's picture

Haha! Right? The things that I don't like about my SD are the same things that DH is frustrated with.

notsobad's picture

I actually like my skids. They are polite, helpful, they have launched and they generally treat us both pretty well.

It's when they do things simply because BM expects them to or they know that they have to please her no matter how it makes DH feel. When they do those things, I tell DH that I don't like their actions but I also understand that they've been trained that way.

My skids are adults and so they are never going to change. I try to hang on to the good stuff and the good behaviour.

shamds's picture

his kids aren’t likeable or pleasant to be around. How can anyone like or love them when they aren’t related to them.

thats the truth and he needs to hear it

secret's picture

My answers have been:

I spend more time with him than you do, does that mean you like him less that I do?

I don't like how he behaves, doesn't mean I don't like HIM. I LOVE you, but I hate how you're acting right now.

I'm supposed to like being around someone who hasn't grasped the concept of pooping in the toilet and not the bed?

If I don't like him, why do I put MORE money in his account every payday than you have in the last 4 years?

And so on. It took a while, but the comments stopped. He also told me he resented me for "making him change". Yes, dh, I made you change. You now spend time with ss rather than thinking him watching cartoons while you spend the day relaxing in the garage. SoOOOOooo sorry... if I didn't like the little shit I'd be fine with hanging out with you in the garage while his brains rots on cartoons all day.

NotSoStepStepmom's picture

As she gets older, there’s been more of this. I say, “I care about her because I’ve raised her with you. But I don’t like who she is growing up to be... and even then, I STILL take good care of her every day. If that’s not enough for you, go find someone else.”

Peace out, dude.

EvilStepMom1977's picture

I can't stand my boyfriend's daughter.  His son is okay.  His daughter is a hot mess.

She doesn't wipe properly,s pisses herself, and is now capable of becoming knocked up (at the tender age of 9) which probably means that her laundry is going to be a mix of piss, shit, and blood going forward instead of just piss and shit.  She forgets to flush.

She lies through her teeth about all of it.  Deny deny deny.  That just makes it worse because I hate a kid who loves lies.

My finances are garbage because  so much of his income goes to her "support".  There won't be a penny to show for it 10 years from now. No savings account. No college fund. Nothing.  her mom and drinks at all and spends in on living expenses.  For what he pays, those kids should be incredibly well taken care of.  They should have nice clothes, nice shoes, etc.À

I feel tremendously guilty for saying it.  But tell me: what is there to like about this kid?  She's disgusting.

 

 

Incon_freaking_ceivable's picture

I used to allow myself to be made to feel guilty by statements like that from him.

No longer. His kids are not my kids, and I am under no obligation to love or even like them. 

young-mom's picture

Because it’s supposed to make you feel guilty. At the same time, I tend to question myself a lot. So I may ask myself “am I being a bad SP and blowing this out of proportion?” I haven’t been confident, but I’m wanting to correct this.

StepperLife's picture

I was very open when he asked me why I hated her. I told him I don’t hate her. I tolerate her because I love him. I disengage because I love my sanity. 

thinkthrice's picture

you want to carry on as though skid is 99% invisible.  If you get asked something,  respond IDK, ask your dad.

if you get ignored, continue as though skid isn't in the room.  Do not participate nor partake in anything skid related.  the only thing i wasnt able to disengage from was laundry.   I am the CEO of laundry.  I would wash dry then have Chef put skid back in to the clothes said skid arrived in. 

SeeYouNever's picture

I always say I don't dislike her I just don't know her that well and I don't want to take up his time with her. She's here to see him not me. I play dumb about parenting like I'm waiting for his instructions regarding SD because he's the parent.