Looking for some support
This is my first time on a stepparent forum but I have no friends or support system who understand the difficulties of being a SM. I have a 9 y/o SS and I’ve been with his dad since he was 3. His dad and i are now married with our own child. SS’s dad has always had partial custody (every other weekend and holidays), so it’s never really felt like there’s much structure when SS is with us... it’s like our house turns into a fun zone for him and my husband is wanting him to not be bored.
Some background: my husband was married to SS’s mom and they divorced when SS was almost 2. It was a nasty divorce and BM did not like me at first but now it’s just surface/amiable, which is fine with me. Luckily she’s remarried and has another child but she’s still very controlling and manipulative at times toward my husband. Also, If husband and I are scheduled to have a major holiday with SS, BM has to do that activity with him first- Easter egg hunts a week before, 4th of July fireworks the week before, etc. SS has been to Disneyworld 3 times by the age of 6 and always gloats about the lavish gifts and trips he gets from his BM and maternal grandparents. So to me I feel like SS is extremely spoiled and coddled and a big baby. My husband doesn’t necessarily buy him a bunch but he does let him get away with a lot and no chores or responsibilities. (I had to do chores when I was much younger than him and I think that’s good for a child to learn)
So basically I’m just venting because I honestly don’t like my SS. He doesn’t misbehave with tantrums or uncontrollable behavior, but he is entitled and spoiled and thinks he deserves whatever he wants. He’s a huge trigger for me. I thought it would help for me to have my own child (my daughter is 11 months old), but it has made my feelings for SS worse. I don’t want him touching or holding her and I don’t even like that he thinks of my daughter/my extended family and my house as his. Does anyone else feel this way?? Sometimes I just want him to go away and live with his BM full time. I get sad and angry that my husband didn’t have his first child with me and that I have to share my husbands time and affection with SS. Husband and I have had many arguments about SS because husband is very defensive of SS and can’t see what I see about the situation. He will sometimes agree with me but SS is definitely a tense topic, which also makes me angry.
I don’t expect SS to love me and I don’t love him... but I’m just wondering if it ever gets better? More tolerable?? It seems like I’m the one with the intense reactions to SS so I don’t know how I can change that... I don’t want to leave my husband. I don’t like that my husband acts differently when SS is here, but other than that I enjoy my quality time with my husband. But I found it easier to connect with SS when he was younger. Now I just want nothing to do with him and think he’s incredibly annoying and spoiled. I go back and forth with feeling helpless and miserable to just focusing on my daughter and my life with my husband outside of SS. Any advice or feedback would be appreciated!