What Else? Sorry this is long!!
Long story...I have been separated from my dh for nearly 5 years - not a legal separation, I just up and moved out. As you can figure out by my very presence here it was in a large part due to one of his skids (ss, age 38) and dh's unwillingness to let him grow up and the whole LONG histroy of ROTTEN times due to skid (he has been in my life since he was 12).
So...OUR son and his new wife want to buy our house. That is fine with both of us but dh has to move. A move is also practical for me right now -- I live in a lovely place out in the woods - literally in the middle of nowhere and, while I LOVE it, I knew when I came here it wouldn't be forever. I am "only" 48 but some health issues and the isolation factor make it make sense for me to move.
Anyway...dh has to move, I have to move. So...we are considering moving into a place together. Hammering out the details is WORK. Dh is "talking the talk" just fine, however, I will have to see him "walk the walk" or I will move again and he needs to KNOW it.
So far I have gotten him to verbally agree that the "bank of dad" is closed and that NO financial decisions of our household will be made without my full participation. I gave him a CHOICE...he can continue to fund skid and his lazy wife...fine, NO problem...but he can also support me and all the money I earn will be stashed for my future. Because I will NOT contribute to our household if he is funding skid -- if he can do that, he can support me as well.
This actually made sense to him...OMG...
I have not yet dropped the bomb that I don't want skid and his wife and kids at our new home for the forseeable future. Once we get settled and I work through MY issues about things - then MAYBE...but it will have to be when I am ready. I know this is not going to go over well with dh but you see...
skid and his family already live in a house that DH BOUGHT FOR THEM without my knowledge or consent - with money that was MINE TOO...I had 21 years into contributing to our family before I moved out. So...the way I see it...their fat, lazy asses ALREADY LIVE IN A HOUSE THAT TECHNICALLY BELONGS TO ME (marital property state) -- I do NOT want them at the house I live in.
I have to swallow this deal and having them at MY home would just be rubbing salt in the wound -- petty on my part maybe but it is time I admitted to being human.
Plus, skid's kids are HORRIBLE - three wild boys, all have developmental problems and they are just allowed to run wild. A couple of years ago dh had his grandson (then 11) at his house and while dh was upstairs, the kid JUMPED FROM THE SOFA AND ONTO A GLASS COFFEE TABLE AND SMASHED RIGHT THROUGH IT. Dh left the mess for my DIL to clean up, stating that he "didn't know how to go about that." Good GAWD!!
When I found out about that, I read dh the riot act, stating that first and foremost, the brat could have been KILLED and it was nothing sort of a miracle that he wasn't and that obviously he needs constant watching. I REFUSE TO HAVE BRATS LIKE THAT IN MY HOME. PERIOD. CASE CLOSED.
DH has been informed that before I give up my peaceful, solo existence, WE HAVE A LOT MORE ISSUES TO HAMMER OUT. If you are still reading...LONG background made short - we had the scenario that seems to be SO TYPICAL on this forum - he always put his kids first, never included me in decision making, never stuck up for me to his kids or the SEA WITCH that spawned them, etc. Details are MANY but seem not as important as what happens going forward.
So now to my questions...I'm sure there are things I'm not considering that some of you would consider and I would like to know what those things are. Any input on how I should go about letting him know they aren't welcome at my home (he can go see them, I have no problem with that)?
Your suggestions, comments, advice graciously welcomed. Thank you!!
thank you for your input, it
thank you for your input, it is appreciated! I am coming from a long history of awful with these people and you are not entirely wrong that if I don't end up with him, that is okay.
I'm not really saying "it's them or me" - just saying "not in MY house" and he can take that or leave it - his choice.
I don't see it as a no win situation - I have already told him I have nothing to lose here - I hold the cards -- all the cards -- and it's about damned time!!
You have given me something to think about and that is what I wanted and I really appreciate it. However, I know for darn sure that allowing them in my home without me being present to protect my belongings and my pets is NOT an option.
I do plan on -- in time -- working through things and allowing them to be there -- like for Thanksgiving when my other ss (wonderful guy!) and his family come from out of state, etc. Just don't want them to be regular visitors unless it's an occassion.
I should also add (warning - gross factor!) that they are not the cleanest people - it is a toss up between wanting them to remove their shoes when they come in or leave them on because you suffer either way. They are just nasty, although they did "clean up pretty good" for my son's wedding reception back in August.
sarahanne726, This sounds
sarahanne726, This sounds like advice from a SD's perspective. Considering the history, I disagree that the Skids should be welcomed in the house with open arms. I would suggest that one of the stipulations of moving back together is that they are not allowed in your home until DH can guarantee (with both you and Skids present) that they are going to respect you and your property. Like you, I would NEVER leave my home to accommodate my SD. Considering my history with her, I would not trust her in my home in my absence. It doesn't sound like you are preventing DH from visiting his kids if he wants to. Good thing you are ironing out all of the details before moving back. Put it in writing. If you decide against moving back with DH I'd get a lawyer and see what to do about getting your share of the interest in the house. Good luck.
Thank you for your suggestion
Thank you for your suggestion to put it in writing.
I did consult a real estate lawyer when dh first bought the house that skid lives in about what my rights and responsibilities could be. Short answer is that I am "probably not" responsible to pay for the house if something happens to dh and that I "probably could" take this to court and force a sale of the house - which I am not going to do.
Bottom line is that dh needs to SHOW through his ACTIONS that WE ARE A TEAM and WE ARE FIRST. Now if someone is starving or cold or whatever...I would be first in line to attend to their needs but skid and his wife are capable adults -- they just find it "easier" to depend on daddy to pay the big bills while they go out and buy every new DVD that comes out.
Skids wife once had GULL to show me several new Japanese animation DVDs that they had just gone out bought -- this was right after they had just "borrowed" $2,000 from us that I had said NO to and dh "loaned" (cough cough) to them anyway!!!
Their most recent whine is that they have no money for Christmas for their 3 boys. I sat with dh and hammered this out. We agreed to loan them $500 and they are supposed to pay us back $3,000 of what they owe us when they get their income tax refund.
I asked dh to tell them that if they put $10 from each of their paychecks away, that by next Christmas they will have at least $1,000 for Christmas. I gave dh several examples of how they could save $20 a week that they currently blow on fast food, dvds and other crap.
Oh...and a few weeks ago they borrowed $30 from dh "for the kids school lunches" -- yeah, well I happen to KNOW that those kids get FREE lunches at school so I told dh that there will be NO MORE of that.
They don't want to budget and they don't want to live within their means because daddy-o has made it so easy for them NOT to. Either we are DONE funding them or I'm staying put, end of story, NO ROOM for negotiation there, what-so-ever.
THANK YOU for listening to me rant and rave -- it helps...a lot!!
Ya, it sounds like they are
Ya, it sounds like they are leaching money from DH how ever they can. Is there any way you can have separate accounts? DH and I do, then we have a joint checking account that we both contribute to for living expenses only. If DH wants to 'loan' out any money it is out of HIS pocket, not mine. Works great.
We can, and do have separate
We can, and do have separate accounts since I moved out. Sorry, I still won't contribute one thin dime to our household expenses if he gives one thin dime to ss. I am not budging on this issue and he knows it.
As I said in another topic, if he wants to give money to skid (that skid does NOT need to survive by the way), he can pay for EVERYTHING at OUR house...from the mortgage to the food to the polish on my fingernails.
I agree, If they cant respect
I agree, If they cant respect you or YOUR home they dont need to be there, Obviousley they have no morals or value for other peoples property as well, and you dont live like a heathen. You come to age in your life where raising kids is OVER!
You would not mind helping IF it was real dire help, but to accomodate when they ALREADY have a home is crazy!!
They are their OWN family unit, and if BD lets them move in he is not teachhing them anything about being independent, what are they gonna do when he is dead and gone? Then what? They need to stand up on their own two feet, their life is NOT anyones reasponsability but theres, and that includes their childrenYou want to live your life in a appropriate style that is for someone your age, screaming kids, trashing out your furniture, scribbling on walls, food and drinks to be cleaned up after is not your ideal of home,no...your past that and BD needs to let go of the appron strings and live his life too with out being the fall back guy, its not his mess to clean up or to attend to..its his kids, they own it..they need to deal with it!
oh he has no intention of
oh he has no intention of moving them in -- but he will be surprised to find out I don't want them to even visit - except, like I said, it is Thanksgiving or something.
I truly feel BAD for my dh -- you said it well - he needs to live HIS live without being the fallback guy!! He was divorced from the skids mother when skid was THREE years old and has been paying for it in one way or another ever since and that is WRONG!
I am hoping that for both our sakes he will agree to my terms. I know I sound harsh but I NEVER had ANY input in things before and now I have lived on my own for nearly 5 years...well let's just say I like being in charge.
It would be nice to have someone to do things for and with again, but I don't require it to be happy. It is SAD that dh has put his life on the back burner and enabled his brat to become such a greedy, dependent louse - but it was HIS own doing.
I flat told him when the kid was 20 that if he didn't set some boundaries he would still be supporting the kid when he was 40...well...yeah...the kid is almost 40 and daddy pays for their car repairs and a lot of other things.
What it really boils down to for ME (and I am the IMPORTANT one here -- about time!!) is that this all STOPS and CHANGES or no deal...I will move on and not look back. I have been HAPPY here and I will NOT give this up and put myself in a situation that will be UNhappy.
When I went out on my own, my household income dropped by 90% but still happier than I was in skid land.