UPDATE to Not Invited to Destination Wedding

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SO informed me that SD asked him yesterday if he booked his flight yet. She wanted to know so the travel agent can arrange his transportation to where they all will be staying. He told her he hadn't yet because he was having an issue. When his daughter asked what it was, he said that I'm not invited to the wedding. This was a group chat with him and both his daughters. I stated in a previous post that I thought the younger daughter who is 26 and has a 4 year old, accepted me, but apparently I was wrong.

From the little he shared of this group chat it was clear the younger one was going off saying she don't understand why I have a problem when people who have known his daughter since she was a baby and other blood family members aren't invited. I should understand that its a small intimate wedding between the bride, groom, his parents, her DIVORCED parents, her sister and sister's 4 year old.

I told him that's fine, I don't need to go to her wedding, but WE GO TO SPAIN TOGETHER, BOOK OUR OWN ACCOMODATIONS AND TRANSPORTATION. I drive him to the wedding and after it's over and they're done taking their pictures, he says goodbye, rejoin me and we continue our vacation.

He says, what about the pre-wedding dinner? I said, No. After the last time you went out to dinner with your EW, after this same daughter's graduation that she excluded me from, when you told me you weren't doing anything with them after, after that almost destroyed us, you PROMISED IT WOULDN'T HAPPEN AGAIN! KEEP YOUR WORD!!!"

He's trying to tell me this is for his daughters wedding, he has to be there for the dinner for his daughter's special day. I said the special day is the WEDDING DAY, not all the festivities that surround it. You don't have to be there for dinner and drinks seated next to your EW. Skipping out on another dinner with your daughters and EW isn't going to ruin your relationship or the wedding, they can eat food without you. But going to dinner again with your EW after promising me you wouldn't is a dealbreaker and will destroy us.

He's saying this is crazy, referring to my reaction. I told him y'all expecting me to be ok with you going on vacation with your ex staying in the same house and spending all day every day with for 3 days in Spain is what's crazy!! I'm willing to compromise and let him go to the wedding with no problem from me, but intimate dinners with the ex and daughters is crossing every line of a relationship.

Also Lied

I also told him he lied to me. When he first told me about the accomodations in which he was supposed to be staying at some house with them while I'm home in PA, I said hell no. So then he told me he wouldn't stay with them he'd be staying in a hotel. So if you'd be booking your own flight, what concern is it to them for your transportation from the airport to your hotel? Proof the plan is for him to stay with them. Then she has an itinerary of things for them to all be doing together, how nice.

One thing is the prewedding dinner the day before and I'm sure some sort of dinner reception after. Remember, it's a vacation for 7, living, eating, sleeping together under one room and playing together over 3 days with a wedding in the middle. Sept 8th-11th. Arrive 8th and all have lunch and dinner together. Showering and getting dressed in the same house. Going to sleep in the same house, waking up, cooking and eating breakfast together in the same house!! The other surprise will probably be he's sharing a room with mom.

Day 2, the 9th is the wedding. So they all get ready again together in the same house, leave together in the same vehicles, go through the ceremony, then all go celebrate afterwards.

Day 3, the 10th, downtime for whatever other fun intimate family activities she has planned. No wedding, no travel on this day. Nothing for them to do but hang out having family fun. Have breakfast lunch and dinner together, cooking and eating together and then one more night of taking off your clothes, getting in a shower and getting in bed in the same house your EW is in while you're in a 6 year relationship.

Day 4 they wake up together, have another breakfast together, then leave for the airport together, having somehow managed to have a family vacation, without dad's partner, after the family split 6 years ago.

And NONE of them see anything wrong with it. They're going off on me as being bitch or something, when these plans are insane to healthy people.

I told him if he plans on participating in any of the activities beyond the wedding, even if I go, we're done. He has to draw the line somewhere. I will be at your wedding for you, but not doing activities outside of that with your mother. Period.

But he won't so I'm pretty sure my next update will be that I ended it because he expects me to concede to everything when they never have to budge or make any compromise and he doesn't balance things so that I'm equally as important. Even tried to tell me, "This jealousy of Monkey (the EW) has to stop. I don't want her, she don't want me. You're the only one stuck in the past!!!"

I went ballistic. I said, "I am not jealous of Monkey!! She can't touch me with a 10,000 foot pole! I'm tired of the disgusting disrespect that I'm subjected to, and tired of piles of shit they expect me to eat. I'm tired of you siding with them all the time, so that yall jump me. I'm tired of you not keeping your word! And she told you, the door's always open!!"

GTFOH! Be a cold day in hell before I'm jealous of a run down outta shape ugly heffer who did nothing with her life. I don't have to be jealous to not want him hanging out with his ex on vacation whether he wants her or not! She already let him know she still wants him and hasn't found any takers for herself yet. This would be a dream come true for him to go there and spend 4 days with her. It's vacation so she's going to be trying to look good around him everyday. Every woman understands that another woman having intimate access to your man without you for any reason, especially when that woman wants your man back, is the ultimate, FU bitch, from the ex to the new and he'd be holding her up on his shoulder while she flips me off.

Having my man all to herself for 4 days and I'm 5,000 miles away. F@#% that $#!T!!!

Stand your ground! You are

Stand your ground! You are doing well! And, no, it's not true that "none of them see anything wrong with it." They KNOW it's wrong and they apparently ENJOY that it's wrong. It's mean. It's cruel. It's stupid. It's bizarre and sick.

Bizarre and sick

Yeah, I told him that his daughter's wanting to do that is mean and cool and him condoning it is perverted. If we would not be OK to go hang out at your X wife's house eating meals and playing games together right here in America, it's not OK to do it any place else. Because it's wrong and you can't make wrong right

With all the cheating he has

With all the cheating he has done on you and with his family, are you sure he is Your man? For all you know his family may not see you in the same kind of relationship with their father as you do. I do not think it is a case of them being mean deliberately to you, it is a case of they just don't see you as an important part of their father's life and he obviously has lead them to believe this.

Time for you to dump him and his drama and find someone worthy of you. They are out their. You deserve so much better than this guy.

!

Well stated.

WOWWW

I am all for detaching when the adult skids are too much, but this feels... WRONG.

I think the message needs to be: "If we are all going to play happy family, then my wife is going to be included."

If they want him to do family things for days and days, then he is allowed to bring his WIFE.

I would tell them, if I was him: "I cannot really enjoy myself thoroughly if I don't have my wife by my side.Surely, you all can understand. You want YOUR spouses here." (assuming someone else is married?)

I think putting it into context is powerful. You must have a party or holiday and invite SOME but not all of the kids.

Tell them, "What is the problem? We just wanted to spend some time with HER. You don't have to be at everything."

They will be taken aback. "But... you have to invite ALL of your kids, not some of them."

Oh, exactlllyyyy... right. Just like you have to invite a man and his WIFE.

Let them feel it.

Yep, "If they can't listen, they have to feel."

Yes!

I wholeheartedly believe this! Many lack empathy and compassion, but it's a whole different story if they FEEL it. Sadly, some will never feel it.

Yeah. Fk all that. This guy

Yeah. Fk all that. This guy sounds like a "have his cake and eat it too" type and his "family" are enemies of your relationship. He needs to make a choice between standing with you as his partner and being part of his "family" which seems to include 2 adult daughters who want you OUT and his pathetic ex wife who can't move on. Your compromise about him going to the wedding but you guys otherwise traveling together is more than fair.

Definitely likes to have his cake and eat it

He is absolutely that type of guy. He doesn't like to choose, he wants it all. When he was running around NY cheating on me, he was doing that. When he asked me to be in one and I told him I didn't want a man who hangs out in bars, parties and clubs with other women, he said he didn't want that anymore either, it was what he did his whole life from teens to 50's, smh. But when he said he didn't want that anymore, that was just a lie to get me and keep me. When I later found out he was doing those things and asked him why, we didn't need to be in a relationhip. He said because he wanted to be with me and I had a problem with him hanging out and he likes hanging out with his friends. Sounded like a f@#%ing child!

Even during Covid he kept talking about, "I wanna see my friends, my friends, my friends!" I said, no one is seeing their friends now. Little did I know he WAS seeing his so called "friends", the alcoholics, cheaters, adulterers, whores/exlovers, and other low lifes that he hung out with. Those were the friends he was missing and whining about so bad and they all ended up still having parties and hanging out during the peak of the pandemic, all without masks. I found pictures of him online at these things, most events with a few of his ex lovers either in attendance or the host.

Playing around during the pandemic then would bring his unprotected ass down to see me and I have a family. Didn't care that he could be endangering my life or my kids lives by potentially infecting us with covid. As long as he got to have his cake and eat it too, he was happy.

I have been through a lot with him and I was done last year. He came back 5 months later for a second chance. We've been working on things since last June, wasn't going great, but recently he started finally going to therapy and it seems like he's starting to get it a little bit. Then this BS with his daughter is just going to be the nail in the coffin.

He is going to defend his need to be at every event she has planned around the wedding. He says he has to be at all the extra things. I said you don't. They aren't part of the ceremony, it's just stuff for them to do together and you aren't single you're in a relationship that's over 5 years old!!! Just like it wouldn't be ok for you to go to dinner with her and her mother again here, it's the same over there and the occasion for the dinner doesn't matter!!!

But he's a jerk when it comes to his daughters and XW and the word NO isn't in his vocabulary when it comes to them. She's 30 years old and he can't tell her he'll only be at the wedding. Why not? What's the worst that's gonna happen? She'll have an attitude? Throw a fit. Who the f@%k cares? Grow the f@%k up! GET OVER IT WOMAN CHILD!!!

Based on how this is going, we won't be together in September and he can go stay in the villa with them and they can have a double destination wedding and honeymoons! I'm so mad I'm ready to break up today!!

On top all that meanness, I'm painfully preparing for the first Mother's Day since losing my baby a few months ago. I've been sobbing uncontrollably the past few days and yesterday arguing with this cold blooded man about evil he's allowing to be done for me and not standing up for me at all, is just too much. I won't be speaking to him for a while. He worsens my grief.

I'm picturing him in faded

I'm picturing him in faded jeans and Affliction shirts with a flat-bill cap and fancy sneakers, the "old" guy at the club trying to be cool. I'm sorry about your son and that you've been mixed up with this loser. Take care of you.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry that

I'm sorry. I'm sorry that this man sucks. You deserve so much better. Hugs.

I completely agree with you. It is crazy for them to think that

I completely agree with your. It is crazy for them to think that you should not be invited. You are willing to compromise with him - now it is up to him to decide what is more important, his marriage, or spending 4 days with his ex. And you are right, he made it much worse by lying about the arrangements. I'm so sorry he is being so unreasonable.

So. Whatcha gonna do?

Hmmmmm?

Time for you to respect yourself.

IMHO of course.

Be kind to yourself. Take care of you.

I suggest that you go back to doing what you did before this dumbass brought his baggage train of crap into your life. Live the best life that you can. You are a fit, attractive catch. Do not discount yourself for this waste of skin.

Going to the beach

I know it's still a little chilly for the beach, but since this horrific tragedy of losing my son, I've done nothing much but sit in my room day after day. I've wanted to just sit on a beach and stare at the water all day. So for our first mother's day since losing my son, my family and I are going to the Jersey shore. I rented a house for 5 days and plan to take blankets and go sit on the beach for hours, taking in the calm of the sea.

I am cutting off communication with the source of toxicity during that time, maybe even after I get back. His position isn't going to change and neither is mine. So this is feeling like the final straw and when we break up again, it will be forever. I won't take him back after that. The only hope we have is if he agrees to do what I have suggested (attend the ceremony only) without me, which is fair for her. While it's still unfair for me, I can live with that, as long as we're there together.

But I already know it's not going to happen. Nothing like this never has, he's never supported me once when it comes to them and he's not gonna start now. He'd rather let me go then say no to or standup to his daughters and XW. So fck them all to hell.

I agree with you

First he should insist that you should be invited. You are his wife. He should NOT be going to the wedding with out you. And definitely not at a ''happy family''' dinner he should have your back. he should be lucky that he's going to the wedding. He will arrive late and leave early.

You have a real problem with him.

I should be there

I should be there because 2 years ago he was at my son's. When I told my son what his daughter was doing and excluding me, he said that's so effed up. He said that there were blood relatives he had to exclude because the people he did want there, had partners and knew he had to include them to. He said that by me being there he automatically knew that he had to invite my partner. But he was raised well and to be kind and thoughtful. The upbringing on the other side, totally different.

We're not married but in a long term relationship. When he attended my son's wedding we together 3 years. How are we now together twice as long but when a wedding comes around for his side I'm not welcome? Because his side is spoiled selfish mean children and he's letting them be.

As I said, I really don't care to be at her wedding, not gonna be missing anything special. But he should be man enough to tell his fully grown about to married 30 year old daughter that he will be at the wedding, but is going to pass on the other vacation plans with them. It's not that hard if you have a spine and balls.

If he did that, my jaw will literally drop to the floor and need EMS to pick it back up.

OP you say you should be

OP you say you should be there because he was at your son's wedding. Sorry, it just doesn't work like that for him.

You and your son generously invited him because you see him as important to you. Neither he, nor his family, see you in the same light for all you have written.

RE cheating: Once a cheater always a cheater.

I don't mean to sound mean, but GET THE H*LL AWAY from this POS. IMHO, and I am sure a lot of other posters and readers see it the same but don't say so, he will always play you for as long as you let him. Knowing all you do about him, even if he showed up today with a ring, marriage proposal and tickets and invite to the wedding in Spain your best bet is to dump him.

You know he cheats, he has admiitted this to you. You seem to see yourself in some kind of "relationship" with this CAD. From what you say he doesn't see it in the same way and will tell you any thing you want to hear to keep you around.

I would use

The time he's away with his first family to plan my out. Research, make assume calls to attorneys. You say you're not married so I don't know what you might be able to get when you leave. I'm sorry but he just isn't showing you the respect he should. Good luck and know you are worthwhile.

Share nothing

Fortunately, all I have to do is walk away from the last sickx years of my life and a future of more mistreatment. We live in different states and share nothing, not even a Netflix account. I've always come last in this order:

1. Him

2. his EX monkey

3. his mean daughters

4. his family

5. his friends

6. his bar aquaintences, bar whores, ex lovers and fellow old ass club hoppers

7. anyone else he can think of

8. oh his cars

9. his neighbors

10. me

Those days are over.

Wait, y'all are in a long

Wait, y'all are in a long distance relationship? If so, this guy could have a whole other life you don't know about. If not, i read it wrong.

Yep

And he did for the first two and a half years of our relationship before I found out. Then denied doing anything other than party for the next 2 years, although I told him I didn't believe him, I didn't have proof. He finally confessed to having sex with someone else after another huge argument 2.5 years later. I broke up with him that day. Five months later he came back begging for another chance.

Stupid me gave him one. Sigh

What you know about might

What you know about might just be the tip of the iceberg.

Don't beat yourself up over the past. No one has a crystal ball.

We made decisions with the information we have at the time. Taking him back was a then decision.

Keeping him is the now and every day going forward decision.

Though it is not a crystal ball, reality tends to be that past behavior is the best predictor of future performance. A cheater, is what they are. In all liklihood, if they cheated, they will again.

You are important in this discussion. He is not.

Take care of you.

Sounds like this will be an

Sounds like this will be an easier relationship to end, then. That is good news. Be picky, and I mean picky, when you decide to date again! Evaluate everything. Be a little paranoid, if necessary. This loser belongs in the bottom of the junk heap to be forgotten as quickly as possible.

Regardless of all the

Regardless of all the dramatics from the SD's et. al., it comes down to one thing. He wants to have you in his life, ACKNOWLEGE that you are an important part of his life and introduce you to all his friends and family or not.

All the other stuff is drama dressing. Thus if he says you are in his life, and he sees you as a partner, then there is no reason that you should not be invited to wedding etc. Let's face it, if you were already married I can't see any way, any how he would not demand you be included.

Just my two cents. And from what you just posted about where you see yourself standing with him, well, I am sorry but it is pretty clear. My love and prayers that you can separate yourself from him and start a new. There is someone out there who WILL love you, don't ever short change yourself.

I am wondering what this guy

I am wondering what this guy is going to do to help you get through Mother's Day. Is he even going to be around?

Going to the beach with my kids

Since this is our first Mother's Day since losing my son in January, my other children and I are going to the Jersey Shore for a few days.

He immediately asked if he could come, bc he's so comfortable doing things with my family. At first I said yes, then I said, not on Mother's Day, that's just for me and my kids.

Any other of the other days we're there, I'd have to talk to my kids who will be there and see how they feel. I feel that's fair bc we're grieving and they have witnessed him continue to upset me in spite of my loss. So his presence would mean no peace and that's what we're going for.

But clearly trying to force this nastiness down my throat 2 days before Mother's Day doesn't express support for me.

I don't intend to communicate with him while I'm away with my kids. I sent him an ultimatum email and will deal with what I'm sure will be the breakup when I get back. But I'm not backing down. Us in Spain together. He attend ceremony ONLY no other activities. We continue our vacation and our relationship.

Otherwise, I told him we're over now. Not dragging it out until Sept.

I'm sorry, but I have to ask.

I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Do you really not want him there to support you on this first mother's day after the death of your son? I know that I would want my H there to comfort and support me, even with the other children around.

Would he really show up or was that just lip service to you.

Sorry Honey, I just have to ask.

Yes, really don't want him there

He's not a source of true support for me. He would show up because it would be another free getaway for him with my family. But to show you how much he cares and supports me? He didn't even get me a card for Mother's Day.

Well, how clear can he be? He

Well, how clear can he be? He is his top priority and you are only there to serve his whims. He chooses not to recognise your status as his partner.

I am really sorry he's such a jerk. You deserve better.

Well, OP, what you just

Well, OP, what you just posted says it all. Regardless of what he says he really doersn't give a darn about you, period.

Even my H, with our problems with his daughter, would want to comfort, support and be with me on such a day re your loss. The fact that this CAD only looks at it as being a "free" day with your family picking up the tab speaks volumes.

In all kindness, get RID of this CAD, stop worrying about the wedding, trip to Spain etc., and get on with a new life. To continue with him is just deluding yourself, which he will gladly allow you to do. As you say, you share NOTHING except his prescence when he shows. PRAYERS for you to do this. I get the impression, from what you post about him, that you tlhink you have more of a relationship with him than you actually do.

For all you know he could be taking someone else to this wedding. You don't know if he is dating others or not. And, why the h*ll did he even tell you about the wedding and how he was going to be away, that it was just him and his ex, etc. Even that sounds rather strange. Can you really trust anything he tells you??

It’s a game for them

I'm sorry but step life sucks. You will Always have problems in your relationship bc he has 2 adult daughters and an ex wife. The girls loyalty is with their mother. She is the puppet master and the girls play games. If daddy doesn't play nice then he will get estranged from them and he knows it. I'm lucky that my husband doesn't crawl after his son or daughter. He knows I'm his life and I will be here. They don't do anything for him. Why should he chase after them. Their loyalty is to their mother even tho she was the one who cheated. She buys them everything even tho the son is 42 and daughter is 39. Get out now and find your peace. His baggage will forever cause you grief bc they are in a battle with you for daddy. The ex wife will always be in the background. His girls will always exclude you for mommy's sake. If his ex would ever find a man the girls would be fine with him just not with daddy having anyone. It's weird but common. I've been married to my hubs for 31 yrs and it's still not good with his adult kids bc their mom has their loyalty. I'm almost 5 yrs disengaged for my mental health. He can see them if he wants but he doesn't seem to want to. His daughter called me the puppet master and that's not true. He sees their true colors and that's his decision. Please find your peace bc you deserve a life that brings you happiness. Don't settle. Hugs!

Response

OUCH! The world is half men, so go find a better half because you DESERVE it! Your heart will heal.

do me a favor, please. take a

do me a favor, please. take a piece of paper and draw a line down the middle top to bottom. one side A list the things he brings to your life that are good and happy. On the other side list the things he does knowing they're hurtful, rude or disrespectful towards you.

I'm guessing side A will be much much shorter than side B.

Why keep inviting a man you know will not change back into your life? Use this little vacay w/ his (ex)wife and kids as a date for you to eliminate the BS and restart your life as a solo woman who deserves respect from not only his family, him but also yourself. Respect yourself. While he's off on his family vacation join a group, a local club, volunteer, sign up to take a class, do things that add to your life in positive ways. Find an activity that not only takes up your time but also gets you out meeting people who will value you.

I suggest this because the man who is going to go on his little family vacay is a man who is never going to put you first. He will return a smug, selfcentered, idiot of a man and he is never evereverever going to change into a man who deserves you. Let his rancid ass go. Make new friends, find your happy, move on from his rotten lstench of a life.