More on the subject of adult children, estranged fathers and wedding invitations
Dear Prudie:
Q. Wedding Invites: I'm getting married next August in a small, private ceremony and having an intimate reception with about 50 people. My problem is what to do about my father. He and my mother split up three years ago because he was having an emotional and physical affair with a married co-worker. I have not met this woman and have no desire to, especially whereas my mother is still so hurt by the affair and can't even bring herself to refer to my father by anything other than “him” or “he.” I don't see my father frequently. Maybe once every couple of months or so. Would it be acceptable to invite him to the small ceremony at city hall being attended by JUST family? Or do I have to invite him to the reception as well, where he'd likely have no one to talk to, and would upset my mother?
A: Usually the question I get on this theme is from the child who wants to include both parents, but the mother is demanding the father be struck from the guest list and saying if he's there, she won't be. Your situation is different in that you're going along with your mother's belief that your father's behavior puts him outside the circle of people who are included in normal social intercourse. Your father cheated on your mother. I am not offering a defense of him, nor do I know anything about your parents' marriage. You probably wouldn't want to know, but would it make a difference to you if your father explained that about 10 years ago your mother decided she was no longer interested in sex? I'm not saying that's what happened here, but it happens. Your father's behavior caused the painful break up of your parents' marriage. But he is not a pedophile or a murderer. He's a guy who had an affair and his marriage ended. Your mother may forever refer to your father as "he," but I don't see any reason for you to go along with this. Your mother lost a husband, but you didn't lose a father. However, you are on your way to virtually severing a relationship with him. You don't explain the reasons for your semi-estrangement. It could be that following the affair he decided to cut you off. If so, shame on him. I'm guessing you sided with your mother and have decided to have minimum contact with him. It could be you would find yourself punished by your mother if she knew you were having a normal relationship with him.
August is a long way away, and instead of worrying about the invitation list to your wedding, I think you should decide to have a more normal relationship with your father—unless of course, he's the problem. You don't have to ask your mother's permission about this; you are engaged to be married, that means you're an adult. As far as the wedding is concerned, I don't see any reason you don't invite your father to the ceremony and reception. You need to start working now on letting your mother know that there are going to be events over the years that will require them to cordially be in the same room together. And your wedding is a good place to start.
http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2013/12/dear_prudence_i...
I think Prudie gave good
I think Prudie gave good advice. I've been (somewhat) in that SDs shoes. Somewhat is the key word. I got married way after my dad cheated and left my mom. Therefore, there was no animosity between them.
I do feel that Prudie should've touched on the sm. Does anyone else wonder if the writer is planning to not invite the sm? She could've said, "I know you don't care for your sm. But, for the sake of knowing that you did the right thing, you should invite her. She may elect to not come, but you can know that your doing so will help lessen the divide between you and your dad."
Hear, hear! I was wondering
Hear, hear! I was wondering about the same thing. Anon, you give better advice than Prudie
Thank you
Thank you
I know this is old, but I was
I know this is old, but I was incensed by this response. Affairs cause the breaking of parenting vows as well.
My condensed story:
My gut was screaming ...I knew something was wrong, I ask my (then husband) if there was something wrong, he would always say No, all is well.
One evening the kids (2 girls) asked (DH at time) if he would take them for ice cream after dinner, he stated he had to go back to work, but would take them tomorrow evening; he had to go back to work to finish up an important project. After dinner, (DH at the time) showered dressed and went back to work. The girls were sad; broke my heart to see them so sad. I told them we would go get ice cream and walk to the neighborhood park after. So after dinner we walked to the ice cream shoppe and afterward we headed to the park. The girls were running ahead of me. As I came up to the hill heading into the park I noticed they were standing still. Usually they would run and roll down the hill. As I got to them my oldest daughter, who was 12 said "Mom, is that Dad? Who is that girl he is playing frisbee with? I saw my (DH at the time) standing next to a woman, with his hand around her waist, throwing a frisbee back and forth with a small girl; she looked to be around 6 years old. My girls were 12 and 10. I responded to my daughter "I don't think so, remember Daddy had to work". I then tried to distract them by saying"Last one home is a rotten egg". We ran back home.
Husband was having an affair, we divorced. ExH married his AP. The girls had EOWE visitation with their father for 6 years. Things were good, I thought. I parralled parented with my Ex...really had no relationship with new wife, although I instructed my girls to behave and show respect while at their Dad's. After my youngest daughter turned 16 and was driving they no longer wanted to keep up visitation.
They are now 23 and 24; they have no relationship with their Father. I remarried after youngest went away to college. They have a great relationship with their Step Father; they call him "Pops". I used to keep on them to call their father, but they refuse or say "Mom if we wanted to talk to Dad we would". My Daughter's are beautiful, kind-hearted and wonderful sweet people. Working and making good lives for themselves.
They feel betrayed by their Dad and have no respect for their him or StepMom. They do, however, keep up with their step sister, they like her and call her to stay in touch.
Sad situation all around.
Not only that... according to
Not only that... according to HRNYC, you should also have an expectation then of being put on trial a la Salem witches and burning in the flames of her punitive puritanism and dour prudery.
There are other, much more tolerant, philosophies in the world, you know. Ever watched Cabaret? Why can't the world leben und leben lassen? Live and let live? Ever heard of Francois Mitterand? The pretty sophisticated nation he led turns a blind eye towards human frailties. What you proudly proclaim as morally upright and virtuous would seem to people in other parts of the world small-minded and provincial.
Also, this kind of belligerent intolerance of all schools of thought different from one's own tends to lead to the most deplorable consequences. Ever hear of Kim-Il-Sung? I am sure he could not stand cheaters either...
from the comments: Q. Re:
from the comments:
Q. Re: Invites and the divorced parents: Just a comment: My in-laws were bitterly divorced when my husband was in grad school. When our first child was about to turn 1, we invited all the grandparents. When I asked my FIL if he was coming, he asked if MIL was coming, and proceeded to hem and haw ... so I knew I had to nip it in the bud. I said to him, “Look—'Suzie' will be the granddaughter of both of you for the rest of your life. It would really be too bad if you skipped important milestones just because your ex might be there.” He came, and our daughter is now 20 and he's rarely missed a milestone. You just have to grow a backbone, or you'll be dealing with this issue as long as your parents are still alive.
A: Exactly. Good for you for telling the older generation to grow up and not punish the next generation because of their own unhappiness.
Why would the SM in the case
Why would the SM in the case want to attend the wedding?
Everyone in the room will view her as the whore who destroyed two marriages. You know someone will make nasty comments,do anything they can to hurt and humiliate her.
Dad should be there but SM should stay far,far,away.
O boy, the child wants to
O boy, the child wants to invite one parent but is afraid that would negatively impact the other parent because of comments the other parent has been making. I think it's obvious who is in the wrong.
I totally agree with Echo.
I totally agree with Echo. An affair/divorce rips a family apart. My ex did it to me after 25 years and our family was destroyed. He convinced our 4 daughters he hadn't had an affair and they believe him, but whatever. Our family was a good one until HE decided HIS own happiness took precedence over our family. I do not look at all foward to seeing him at my daughter's wedding next year and any future gatherings. We have both moved on and remarried, but that's beside the point. Our family was a "family" and it was HIS choice to cheat and I certainly had NOT lost interest in sex!
However, in this case, I think the mother is being unreasonable. As much as I view my ex as a lieing piece of s***, he IS a good father and always has been. As for the immoral woman he cheated with and married, it would be up to my daughter whether to invite her or not, but I know all of my daughters believe his lies, so have accepted his wife. Whatever. It is my daughter's day to invite whomever she wants and the fact that I will be uncomfortable doesn't matter and shouldn't matter. It's HER day.
^^^THIS^^^ I totally agree
^^^THIS^^^
I totally agree that having an affair rips a family apart. For the first few years after my own father had an affair, it was he11 for me.
That is exactly how I'm
That is exactly how I'm viewing it. And, as for the glass of wine, no doubt it will be my constant companion.
My ONLY concern is my daughter having the perfect day and I will do WHATEVER to make that happen.
Divorce is never easy for the
Divorce is never easy for the people divorcing and even tougher, IMHO, on the children. I guess I would say to the young lady that her father is still her father and nothing can, or should, change that. I guess I agree with Purdy, that unless the father is the problem, was abusive to the young lady, a bum, etc., then he should be invited to the ceremony and the reception.
I know, from what she wrote, it was very hard on her mother, but, well, being human we are all flawed as well as fragile. She should not allow herself to take sides in the divorce. She was not the cause of it and both people are still her parents.
An aside - when my DD married, both my ex and I were there. FWIW, he cheated on me, I divorced him as he at that time wanted the floosey. Interestingly, that fling didn't last too long after the divorce became final and he tried to woo me back. I could say a lot about how I felt about him for what he did, but he has passed and best not to speak bad of the dead. Anyway, point being that we both managed to be on good behavior for the event both at the rehersal dinner, the wedding and the reception EVEN when he had floosey on his arm. It was my beautiful daughter's day and I didn't want anything to ruin it for her.
FWIW, when ex tried to get back with me he enlisted DD's help, which she didn't give. As she told me, he behaved horribly towards me, and though, in her dreams she would like to see us back together as what child or adult child doesn't want to see their parents together, she also knew that it wouldn't happen. For DD just the fact that he saw the error of his ways was enough for her but she actually told me that I would be a fool to go back with him. You know what, she was right.
DD adores my current husband and he is very good to her. What could be better....especially now that we are ridding ourselves of the Twit.