Thank you for your kind words. There are literally no words on earth that can describe the feeling from losing a child. It is so unnatural in the order of life. I wouldn't wish this on anyone. I don't know if my heart will survive it, but I'm doing my best to cling to life for the sake of my other children who are deeply grieving as well. 

To think that in spite of being aware of my loss, she could still be so mean. Who is mean to a grieving mother? Sociopaths, psychos and selfish immature daughters with mommy daddy reunion fantasies. I told him he can't continue to let them exclude me, when does it end? It's been 6 years already. Put on your big girl panties and cut it out!

I'm sorry for your loss and what your SB put you through. Smh

You're absolutely right! The fact that he even told me she can invite whoever she wants, indicates that he intends to abide by her wishes. Obviously if I tell him, we go together or you don't go at all, he's not gonna go for that. We had one semi heated discussion about it when he told me the other day.

I was so upset, I had to Google it. I wanted to find out if I was wrong for expecting to go with him to his daughter's wedding, this is a first for me and maybe new partners being excluded should be expected. Didn't feel right because it isn't. No justification. I've never done anything to this girl, excuse me, woman-child, and have only been around her in a setting with more of their extended family twice, and she didn't talk to me the entire time on either occasion.

I will remind him of what our non-negotiables are and remind him that he told me he would never spend time with her mother again, after the Christmas dinner together after graduation. 

Based on a lot of other things he's done to me in this relationship that I've forgiven him for, moving on maybe my only option left for self preservation. 

Thank you

Facts! They BOTH know what they're doing. She manipulates him into not bringing me to give her parents alone time together and he maniputates me to act like it's not his fault, he has no choice because it's her decision. Yes, I see them both.

And I bet you are right about the number of rooms in the villa. Who's he going to be seated next to at the ceremony, ex-wife. Who's he going to be seated next to at the after dinner/reception (idk what the plan is), ex-wife. Who's going to be his dance partner? Ex-wife. This is deliberate and so clear a blind person can see it for what it is.

I'm a single mother that was raising 4 children on my own after my divorce. When he left his wife, he voluntarily gave her $2K a month to help her out financially. He did this faithfully until his divorce, when he was then ordered to pay alimony of I believe, $2300 a month. He also took on all the family debt (about $200K) when he left, didn't take anything from the home, starting over 100% from scratch. He works a lot of overtime, problably 20-30 hours a week, making about $200K. 

In spite of me being a struggling single mom, he's never offered to help me financially and I never ask. He has helped me with a few minor car repairs or treated me to getting my nails done a few times, but if I'm in a bind financially, I can't depend on "my man" because he's still taking care of his ex wife. I told him I'm in a relationship but continuing to do life alone.

Although I stopped being a secret 3 years ago, it is kinda like they're still married when taking care of her needs and feelings, always trump mine.

If I started saying that he's excluded because my daughter doesn't want him there, he would absolutely not be understanding, he would be mad. My daugther dislikes him the most and even blocked his number in my phone once because of the stress he was putting me through. I ended up with high blood pressure and borderline diabetic because of the stress of this relationship. Yet, he still expects to be welcomed into every part of my family's life, when my kids would actually be justified in excluding him.

If one of my kids were in this shituation, I'd tell them being excluded from their partner while their partner goes on vacation with their ex, regardless of the reason is highly disrespectul to them and the relationship. I'd remind them that they're amazing, caring, and kind and deserve to be treated better and if it's still going on after 6 years, it's unlikely to change at any point in the future. They are showing you who they are...so believe them.

Yep, I'm listening...

That isn't the case, but probably the picture she's choosing to paint for their daughters. He was married over 20 years and had been unfaithful numerous times. His wife was angry, bitter and resentful during their marriage and rightfully so, but lived with it. He was a liar and serial cheater, which I questioned him on when he approached me about being in a relationship. I told him I had no desire to be in a relationship with someone living like he was.

After leaving his wife, he expressed to me that he didn't want to live that way anymore. Being middle aged now, he wanted to settle down and be happy. I was skeptical, but had always believed the best in people and that they were mostly honesty, especially someone that's supposed to like or love you. So I gave him the benefit of the doubt. Big mistake on my part and I don't think that way anymore, I believe the opposite. 

He kept me a secret after he left his maraiage, so that he could do the same thing to me, continue to live a life secretly hanging out in bars, lounges and parties. He lived in NY, I lived in PA. He'd live one life up there, and come down to see me and live another one here. I had no idea of his double life for the first 2.5 years. So keeping me a secret from his other world was more convenient for him. He was keeping secrets from all of us.

Now before anyone gets on me for being with a no good lying cheater (totally different subject) I know. We went through hell, I even ended things last Jan. After 5 months apart, he came back begging to reconcile. I was in a better place and happy, so I guess that made me more generous than I should've been to someone who hurt me so much. But he committed to working on himself and his issues for the first time in his life and is currently in therapy, so I'm giving him a chance to show he's serious about change. He discontinued that lifestyle of drinking and hanging out 3 years ago now, from what I can tell. 

Because I happen to be the woman that came after mom, in terms of him being in a relationship and not just a nothing affair, she hates me for being the "replacement." She has heard from her daughters of all the trips we've taken (I started him on traveling by plane and international destinations) when all they did was take bus rides from the Bronx to upstate NY or a few drives to Myrtle Beach. That's why she called him on one of our trips, to insert herself and exert the power of her position. 

I'm sure she's seen pictures of us that he shared with his daugthers from our trips and it just fanned the flames of jealousy. I'm in my 50's, look like I'm in my 30s, and a personal trainer, so physically very fit and look pretty good in a bikini (not bragging, it was a lot of hard work at my age). Seeing pics of me looking healthy and us looking happy, has to infuriate her. So I wouldn't put it past her to poison them against me by telling them he left because of me, when that isn't the case.

They don't know the truth, he avoids difficult subjects with his kids and has too much shame to tell them he ruined the marriage with nothing to do with me. I've told him he needs to talk to his daughters, own up to his behaviors that hurt their family and let them know by the time we started a relationship, he had already left. I had my reservations as to his sincerity and been hurt by him too, however I refuse to be anymore. Especially when I'm in the kind of deep pain that will last the rest of my life.

So I have zero patience left and he does right by me this time or I'm out and he can live with the fact that he lost me because he placed higher value on his ex and daughter, people living their own lives, than he did on me, the person he says to love and want to spend the rest of his life with.

LOL, that would be awesome! But alas, I'm not a trouble maker, but if I was, I would do exactly that! LOL LOL!!! Thanks for that laugh, I needed it.

I agree. I was never a believer in remaining friends with an ex. What for? What's the purpose, especially when you are in another relationship? They shouldn't be talking on the phone for anything because their children are adults they can talk directly to. There's no more arranging weekends or pickups/dropoffs. Dont't have to discuss school or sports. Nothing. So why do you have each other's numbers? To talk about....your relationships? Your adult children? Sex? Exes who maintain contact often end up in bed again. He's hung out with his ex with his daughters enough. No more. The line in the sand is drawn and immovable.

Ever since meeting his family, his siblings and daughter's in particular, I've never understood them. Outwardly they appear to have love for each other, but they engage in dishonesy, meanness, vindictiveness, disrespect and it's all just part of their relationships with each other.

When he was keeping me a secret from his family, I told him he was lying to them by not telling them I exist. He disagreed. He kept saying, they're not ready. I know the truth was, HE wasn't ready. He didn't want to deal with their reactions or fallout. He avoids things as much as he can and is ok with 100 elephants in the room.

When he finally told his older sister, again these are people in their 50s smh, she told him not to tell his daughters or in other words, keep lying to them! At his bro in laws birthday party at a restaurant, his BIL came on to me several times that night, saying very inappropriate things, with his wife and family there! I couldn't believe it. When I told my SO, he said that he was probably just joking. I was stunned. I said, he wasn't joking, he was making passes at me. He said, he was probably drunk. Anyway we ended up in an argument and he never did anything. So being around the BIL at subsequent events, is awkward for me. I feel like I have to be on my guard and avoid him as much as possible because if his wife sees him looking at me with lust in his eyes, she's going to want to fight ME! They have drinking problems and grew up fighting a lot, so when they get drunk they can get mean. I learned all of these things by observation and some disclosures the past 6 years. smh

I raised my children differently. I raised them to be honest, kind, respectful to others and non-violent. I have 4 boys and one girl and none of my children have ever been in a fight. No one in his family was raised that way or they developed disorders in development due to abuse, trauma or neglect, that caused them to vibrate on low levels, ending up with addictions and other negative behaviors. The only people in his close family that have been nice to me since meeting them are his mother and younger sister.

We don't live together so no locks to change and there has been zero fighting over him. I have never talked to or been in the presence of his ex. We have literally never met once. He made sure of that by excluding me from everything. So the wedding would be the first time we would meet and probably the last time we'd ever be around each other again, but they wanna exclude me from that. Clearly these adults (using term loosely) can't handle a few hours of adult civility even for a happy occasion. smh

I told him after what happened to me, I will not tolerate a drop of toxicity from anyone. I am broken and feel like I die everyday, over and over again. I will never be healed from this and can't handle anyone's poison. I told him nothing anyone can do can hurt me now because the pain I'm in is at the max of what life can dish out. It's worse than losing a parent, spouse, sibling. It's worse than being lied to, worse than being cheated on, worse than being excluded, worse than mean ass people. Everything else in life that can happen to me, is beneath the worse that has already happened. The only thing people can do to me now, is piss me the f##k off, get cursed the f##k out, and get kicked the f##k out of my life. I told him if he chooses not to do right by me, then that's what's going to happen.

I am only allowing people to stay in my life who have demonstrated love, support and care for my family. I was surprised by people I thought were close who disappeared and people who I considered distant that reappeared and strangers who appeared out of nowhere. Sadly, death has a way of revealing everyone's true feelings about us. 

Thank you but let me clear a misunderstanding. I was a secret for the first 1-3 years, depending on who in his life he was sharing the news with. I believe he told his older sister first, about a year and half in.

Then he introduced me to his parents about 2 years in. They are elderly people who don't leave the home and his father has dementia. He coudln't remember me seconds after asking me who I was, which the poor thing did the whole time. He started with them because they were the easiest. His mother adores him and woud accept anyone he brought over and his father doesn't know what's going on.

I met the daughters at his parents house one Father's day which I think was about 3 years in. The oldest didn't even say hello and they both ignored me the entire time.

So the cat's been outta the bag for a while now, everyone is aware I exist, but some people are remaining in denial and refuse to acknowledge or accept my existence. You're right, I deserve better. I brought so much goodness and love into his life and he brought pain and destruction into mine. I helped him lose 50 lbs after he was diagnosed with diabetes. What did he do with his new slim physique? Run around partying hanging out in bars with hoes and cheat on me.

I was stupid to stay and hate myself for the pain I allowed him to cause me and my family. My daughter began to make peace with the fact that I was probably going to die due to a stroke or heart attack because of the high blood pressure and stress he was putting me through. 

I told him I do feel like I'm just his mistress or a jumpoff, after all this time, I don't feel I have any say or semblence of equality in this relationship. We share nothing together. No kids, friends, home, bills, not even a netflix account. We have 2 totally separate lives, live in different states, have different friends, interests and he doesn't support me. He takes care of her and when he retires in a year or 2, she's getting half his pension. Recently he had the audacity to tell me it's hard having all the finacial responsibility in this relationship!

I went off on him. You know what he was he talking about? When we go on a trip or out to dinner and he pays the bill. Yep. I couldn't believe he said that to me. I was livid. I reminded him that when we go out to eat, it's ALWAYS HIS suggestion, not mine. He's the one ordering lobster tails and throwing back whiskey. And we go out to eat about once every other month! We go on a trip once a year. The first few trips we went on, I PAID for him to come because I was already taking my family. He didn't offer to and didn't pay for anything other than alcohol on those trips.

He is a single man with adult children, making almost $200k a year and expects me, the struggling single mom, taking care of 4 children on my own, who were still minors and then college students living at home, with no child support from their father, and I'm supposed to pay the bill when YOU suggest we go out to dinner?!!! Expect me to pay my way on a vacation? Most men don't have a problem taking the woman they love on vacation, especially when they can afford to! But that's part of his imaginary "financial responsibility" he claims is hard on him in our relationship. 

I told him straight out he has ZERO financial responsiblity with me. Does not pay a single one of my bills and doesn't give me money every month like he has done with her our entire relationship, which now he must've given her around $125K. He didn't even help me when I needed to get another car. Asked me to drive him about 2 hours to south jersey so he can go buy a mercedes truck a guy was selling for $11K. After the test drive, he had me drive him to a bank where he got a cashiers check and drove home happy in his new truck. He had left the withdrawal receipt in my car and I saw that he still had another $10k in there and that's just one account. I asked him for some money because I needed another car due to a lot of issues with it, including a wheel ball bearing that was about to snap that I was unaware of, which was why my car wobbled when I drove and he told me no. Yep, my so called man.

Funny thing, after I  broke up with him last January and met someone else, this person gave me $2500 to help me get a car and I did. After we "reconciled" and he found out this other man helped me, he was mad. I do life alone in spite of being in a relationship and that's how he likes it. How can he be mad at someone helping me when he diligently continues to help his wife. She can buy a $400K house with all the money he's giving her and have it paid off in 12 years!

 All of his financial problems come from his past. From volunteering to take care of that pet monkey on his back so generously so she "wouldn't have to struggle," (he literally said that to me in an arguement once when I asked why is he voluntarily giving her so much money when there was no order for alimony or support), to taking all of the family's debt and letting his ex and daughters not share any of it. From credit cards, IRS, student loans, he bears it all so she won't ever have to struggle.  But he's totally fine watching me struggle AND expects me to chip in when we do things. smh

I come in last place all the time when he has to choose, no actually,  I don't place at all because he has never chosen me. He relies on the fact that I'm the better person out of all the people he knows, so he feels its easier dealing with me after disappointing me, but knows there'll be hell to pay from others. So he chooses to shit on the loving sane person - me. I'm not so sane anymore, I'm on the verge of insanity. 

This discussion has been very therapuetic for me. I am in therapy twice a week, but it's good to feel validated by people other than your therapist. People who are facing similar challenges who let you know, it's not you, you're not the crazy one, your expectations are reasonable and normal. Talking to him trying to explain how things affect me, makes me feel like I'm spinning my wheels in place, not getting anywhere. Talking to him and dealing with his family situation feels like I'm Alice at the Mad Hatter's tea party. I'm expected to accept things that are abnormal and wrong with loving kindness and grace, while everyone else in this crazy place gets to do what's not right and that is acceptable. 

Talking this out has really opened my eyes to my situation being so much worse than I thought. Someone else said they hadn't read one good thing about this shituation, and they're right, because I haven't had one good thing to share. It's hard to see the picture when you're in the frame and the person you're talking to is in the frame too. smh Wow deep doo doo.

Thank you for your kind words. It is really sad that so many people choose to be so spiteful and toxic. It takes so much energy to maintain evil behavior towards others over the span of years. But then again, maybe not to those for whom it's their default mode.

I'm an empath and cared too much about his issues and tried to help him. I waited too long to prioritize and take care of me. I have begun and will continue to. I told him shortly after my son passed that he will never be more important than my family or me, ever again. I have held my ground and will continue to. 

Thank you 

This discussion has definitely helped me gain clarity. Talking it out with others in similar situations who've gained wisdom through experience, has been very helpful. He has made me feel like I've been the one unreasonable and not understanding of the situation, constantly using the excuse that it's because of the divorce. When he was voluntarily giving her all that money the moment he left, years before a court order, never missing a single month, he kept saying, "that's divorce." I would say, "but you're not divorced, you haven't even filed, there is no order, she hasn't gone to court for support, so you don't owe her anything." He stuck to his guns to support her for life, while barely ever helping me. 

He used the excuse of not telling his family or daughters about me because, "it's a divorce, it's too soon." He's using the excuse of continuing to exclude me that for his daughters, "it's too soon, they prob blame you, they don't want you there, I don't want any drama." 

The only person who has been paying the price in this toxic situation is me and this isn't my f@#king family!! My family doesn't have these issues and his intergration into my life was normal. My kids ended up not liking him because they watched him breaking my heart and breaking me down, lying, cheating, being disrepectful and just mean.

I have had no voice in this relationship. He gets his way, his daughters get their way, his EW gets her way and I basically get jumped by all of them while they keep trying to play zombie family with a relationship that died long ago. I've suffered a lot of trauma in my life and that caused me to become an empath that cares deeply for others. Unfortunately, it has made me a repeated target of predators, abusers and narcissists. 

Since losing my son in January, I lost more of my mental ability to think straight or even think at all, most days. So this support group has been very helpful in regard to this 6 year drama. 

Thank you