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Wedding Situation with SS and his Fiance. Input please.

Not-the-mom's picture

We are having to deal with the upcoming wedding of my DH's second child - his son.

His daughter got married this past summer, and it was a big drama. The wedding was outdoors, and fortunately the weather cooperated, between a very hot humid heat wave and then a very windy cold front came in afterwards. The wedding was "between" the two, so it worked out luckily.

Anyway, his daughter and her fiance never made any effort to have my DH meet his future SIL's parents. The SIL's parents were divorced, and the father was ill from cancer and died before the wedding, so that was understandable. The SIL's mother had moved back from Florida well before the wedding, and there was time for my DH to meet her, but the skids didn't make any effort do work it out. My DH had no way of contacting her and introducing himself.

The SD's wedding was on a Sunday, late in the afternoon, and the SD had the rehearsal and rehearsal dinner on a Friday evening. This meant that if my DH was going to try and make both the wedding rehearsal/dinner and the wedding - because we live 2 hours away - he would have had to take a half-day off on Friday, and pay for a motel for that night, then possibly come home Saturday, and then we would drive back for the wedding on Sunday and stay the night in a motel, then he had to take off that Monday so we could get back home and relax. This would have meant he would have lost a whole days worth of work - and thus NO PAY for the hours he didn't work. On top of that the gas costs and motel costs would have been high.

The only reason they had the rehearsal on Friday night was because the officiant who was doing the wedding had another engagement on Saturday night. Well, from our investigations, if the daughter had really wanted her father at her rehearsal and dinner, they could have had them on Saturday, and had a "stand-in" officiant. After all, the pastor knew how to do a wedding, HE didn't need to rehearse! This is not an unusual thing to have done. This way my DH could have made the rehearsal and dinner, and met the future groom's mother, and it would have worked out much better for our budget, etc.... My husband was put in the position of having to choose "work and income, over rehearsal and dinner" - making HIM look like the bad guy because he didn't come to the rehearsal and dinner.

At my SD's wedding, the groom didn't even bother to introduce my DH to his mother (and her boyfriend who was dressed like he was going golfing). My DH's EX did it! :O

Anyway, after our experience with my SD's wedding, we are wondering if the SS and his fiance (the one who stalked me here) is going to pull the same rude, inconsiderate behavior. As I write this I realize it is a moot question. Of COURSE they will!

Now, to our question. My DH's son has lived with his fiance for several years. There has been PLENTY of opportunities for my SS and his fiance to work out a way for HER parents to meet my DH. The parents were at their daughters college graduation (and my SS's graduation which happened on the same day at the same college), but no effort was made to get them together, and nothing since has been done to make this happen.

It is the obligation of the engaged couple to arrange a meeting between the fiance's parents and the groom's parents. We know for a fact that the BM has met them - long ago, but my DH is still waiting to meet them.

When asked (about one month ago) if my DH will ever be able to meet the fiance's parents, we were given some excuse. It might be true what they told us, but we don't believe it is. They are scamming us once again.

IF we are invited to the wedding (which we aren't sure if we are after this last blow up I posted about) - but IF we are, and we go, (we doubt we will be invited to the rehearsal and dinner), how do you suggest my DH approach the fiance's parents and introduce himself? Should he say something like: "I am glad to finally get to meet you"? I am sorry we couldn't have met earlier." - or - just leave it up to the bride to see if she gets her act together at the wedding and introduces her parents to my DH?

"Conventional etiquette" calls for the parent(s) of the future groom to contact the bride's parents and introduce themselves. We don't have their address, or my husband would do this. There is no way this future "bridezilla" is going to give us her parents address. Blum 3

We do NOT want the EX BM introducing my DH to the brides parents! This was totally tacky at my SD's wedding! The BM LOVED it that she already KNEW the groom's mother, and she flaunted it for all it's worth to my DH. }:)

Any suggestions or input on how to deal with my DH meeting, or introducing himself to his son's future inlaws?

Disneyfan's picture

If your husband cares about meeting them, he can walk over and simply say "hi, my name is Bob, John's dad, nice to meet you". He doesn’t have to wait for his son to introduce him or apologize for not meeting them sooner.
Why didn't your husband just use vacation days to cover the days he needed to miss for SD's wedding?

aggravated1's picture

I am completely confused on why this is such a big deal.
At the wedding, introduce yourself. At your SD's wedding, you could have introduced yourself.

I am scratching my head at this one. You guys really want to draw a line in the sand over meeting future in laws that you will probably never see again????? :?

Jsmom's picture

Don't you think if the brides parents met them that they may question the SS's and his brides behavior? So why let them meet and start comparing notes...Makes sense not to let that happen. You wouldn't want mom and dad to figure out how you behaved so terribly.

Jsmom's picture

Let this one go. Really what do you care. You have no reason to know these people. My parents have never met DH's parents. We married in Costa Rica and only a sibling went. Quite frankly DH's mom is a nut and I don't want to subject my family to that.

And for me, I wouldn't be going to that wedding. They way they have treated you guys, they would not be graced with my prescense without one hell of a mea culpa...

If they invite you go and be gracious, but do not engage other than small talk...Also, the gift would be very nominal...

Not-the-mom's picture

Thanks for the input. It gives much to consider.

I don't care if "I" meet the fiances parents or even go to this wedding - this only concerns my DH, and how HE might approach this.

Often, parents don't always know everything that their "little darlings" are doing, and how they are behaving. We do the best we can, but in the end the kids go their own way - and sometimes that is the wrong way!

We cannot assume that the daughter has told the parents everything. They may be in the dark also on many things. She could be telling them my DH can't meet them because of some excuse, just like she has told us her parents aren't able to meet my DH for some vague reason.

It could also be that she doesn't want us to meet her parents to compare notes as Jsmom suggested. Blum 3

This fiance seems to be someone who is determined to get what she wants when she wants it, no matter how she has to manipulate things.

Yet again, she may have told her parents everything. Even so, as "adults" they would hopefully be able to understand that it would still be nice to meet my DH before the wedding.

We may not even get an invitation, and my DH said if we do get one, and it is once again addressed ONLY to HIM, we are NOT going.

My husband wants to go, and because it is a four to five hour drive for us, we will need to stay overnight, and he has asked me to go with him. I want to support my husband, so I will go, but I will not be going out of my way to "party" or be social. I will just be there to support him, nothing more.

His daughter didn't invite ANY of her fathers cousins or aunts or uncles - except my DH's one sister and her family. If their grandmother had lived longer SHE would have made SURE this didn't happen! She was very close to her family (she had 8 siblings) and we are often invited to weddings of cousins and relatives my DH doesn't even remember, but because he is "family" they reach out to him.

We are sure the BM was responsible for none of my DH's relatives other than his sister being invited. She didn't want anyone there who knew how crazy she is - that way she could get away with her weird behavior easier. Instead they invited old neighbors and a huge bunch of people from the grooms side of the family. We don't expect there will be anyone at this wedding other than my DH's sister and her husband, and no other relatives - so I want to be there to support him in his efforts to be the "better person" in this ugly situation.

P.S. My DH does not get paid sick days at his job, and there were, and are no paid vacation days available at the time of his daughters wedding, or of his sons upcoming wedding. In the state where we live (Michigan) he is lucky to have A job let alone extra paid vacation or paid sick days. Sad Over 700,000 people have left our state because of the horrible economy - and we have a very high unemployment rate.

He doesn't want to take off too much time, or cause problems for the company he works for. They have been very nice to us though. The skids know of our situation, but they still act like EVERYONE can afford to do whatever their little hearts desire. Very self-centered.

I just want to add that my husband is trying to approach things so that in years to come, he can look back and see that he tried to do the right thing - while setting healthy boundaries. We are going to put "the ball" in the kids court as much as possible, and it will be THEIR decision how things turn out. If they put a lot of road blocks in their fathers way, it will be THEIR responsibility for how this all turns out over time. My DH wants to be at his only sons wedding, and if the kids don't invite us in an appropriate respectful manner it is THEIR actions that cause my DH to not come. My husband will know that he tried his best, in a mature manner.

Thanks again for the input.

giltridden's picture

It sounds like you are looking for any reason to criticize the BM and the skids. I'm sure that there is a TON of history and a lot of pain, but I would be very careful here. Their weddings are one of the most special days of their lives, and if they even sense that you are harboring all this bitterness and are judging their every move, there will be no hope for a future relationship with them. And if you don't want a relationship with them, why do you care about this stuff? I think it is weird that your husband can't just go introduce himself. Your idea of etiquette isn't necessarily the right way. It is simply your prespective. And I also can't understand why you consider your stepdaughters scheduling of the rehearsal and the wedding as a personal affront to your husband? Taken a weekend off of work and staying in a hotel seems more than reasonable for your daughter's wedding. In fact, if I were his daughter, I would be mad that my dad thought it was a big deal to do that. If we are going to have relationships with our stepkids, we must learn to forgive and accept them first. No matter that they are adults, we are still in the "parent" role so we must act with thoughtfulness and maturity.

giltridden's picture

Um, I think that we differ in the fundamental definition of family. But I am not sure why that makes you so angry? Personal attacks are simply not necessary. The fact that stepmother is at the bottom of your list is telling as I would consider my list to be Wife, Mother, Step mother, professional, etc. It's not a bad thing, it just shows that we are polar opposites. Which means that no good can come out of posting to each other. I came on this site to get advice, support, and to tell my story anonymously. Not to tear up my stepchildren or to fight with angry posters. I have gotten plenty of good advice and good support and I am not going to be run off of this board by the bitter, angry posters who are accusing me of not being here for support. So please do not post anything else about me and I will not read or post to your posts.

ownedbypedro's picture

StepAside, you said that so well. May I have your permission to copy and paste your post to my own personal documents for my own future reference?

Not-the-mom's picture

Well giltridden,

I will give you a little slack because you have only been a member for six days. Yet again, why are you here on a VENTING board for stepparents, yet you don't seem to understand that part of venting is critisizing the skids and the BM? Why are you so surprised at this? Maybe because you aren't who you say you are?

Venting is part of the process of purging our frustrations and anger over being treated like crap? It take TIME, and a LOT of venting for some of us to get over all the frustration. I would appreciate you butting OUT and stop trying to control me.

These boards are supposed to be anonymous, and so I don't care if my skids see it. I have no interest in ever having a relationship with them again. They have treated me (and my DH) like crap for years, no matter how "nice" we have tried to treat them. As others have said, the more you are nice to them, the more they feel they can walk all over you. Their "walking all over us" days are at an END!

My etiquette perspective is not just my own - based on my personal limited perspective. My etiquette information is based on what has been - and still is - what etiquette experts have said for YEARS - even generations. I do not "wing it" with situations such as a wedding where it is most important to make a good effort to do the right thing - so your marriage will begin on good footing - not just an occassion for the skids to show how self-centered and immature they are.

When you want your family (especially your FATHER) to walk you down the isle, yet treat him with disrespect in all other ways, you have a lot of gall! My SD in not making an effort to make sure her own FATHER could be involved in her wedding rehearsal/dinner, is just ONE OF MANY ways she has showed him disrespect. I do not have the time, space nor interest in explaining to YOU what all the other reasons are for our being upset.

If the skids are upset about what I say here, that is THEIR PROBLEM. They should have not stalked me here and snooped. If they are worried about what others will think or find out about them on my posts, that also is THEIR PROBLEM. They should have kept their big mouths shut and not BLABBED to others where I am and what my posting name is.

There are a lot of "posers" on these boards, and people who pretend to be a stepparent, yet they are not. I get the clear impression that you may be one of them.

"I would be mad that my dad thought it was a big deal to do that. If we are going to have relationships with our stepkids, we must learn to forgive and accept them first."

Don't you think we have tried this for YEARS? It takes time to develop trust, and the skids have violated those attempts of our to develop trust, over and over again, no matter how much we tried to work things out. You really sound clueless!

If you don't like my VENTING STYLE, don't read my posts! I can VENT any way I like. After all StepTalk is a VENTING SITE!

giltridden's picture

Ouch. I guess you haven't read my posts if you want to accuse me of not being who I say I am. I came to this board because I, too, am going through a painful situation with a stepchild. I posted to you because in all my relationships I try to see all perspectives, including my delinquent, manipulative, vengeful stepdaughter's. So you see, I do have problems similar to yours. I thought that may help you, to look at the other side. But apparently that was no help to you, so I apologize. It is duly noted that I will not ever post to you unless I wholeheartedly agree with your rant, I mean vent.

donna123's picture

not_the_mom, just ignore giltridden. Whoever he/she is they really have no understanding of too much of anything step related. Given that your steps saw fit to stalk you into ST it may well be one of them.

I personally think it was more than inconsiderate of SD to plan a rehearsal dinner so that her own father couldn't attend. In these times of dire financial straits it was beyond thoughtless to go ahead without consulting with dad first and to suggest that SD should be mad at dad because he couldn’t afford to attend is contemptible.

Too many young adults these days use “their very special” wedding day as yet another chance to be hateful and exclude certain family members. It’s a stupid and cruel move every step of the way and an offensive lesson they will pass along to their own children. Only next time, it will be them who are excluded from their own children’s wedding.

If these adults saw fit that BM was introduced to their perspective in laws they should have also seen fit that dad was introduced as well. That is clearly proper etiquette.

Your adult step’s behavior is immature, vindictive and boorish. They are adults and it is high time they started demonstrating thoughtfulness and maturity in their actions.

sixteensmom's picture

My $.02 --
Dad will be expected to attend his sons rehearsal, rehearsal dinner, any bachelor party etc. That's what every wedding book I've read says the expectation is anyway. As sorry as it is, the invitation to these functions is ss and fdil way of making some peace, including him and you in their big day. I wouldn't rock the boat with any kind of comments around why you haven't met the new in laws before the wedding. It's not like you're ever going to see them again. Hello we are Mr and Mrs x, it's a pleasure to meet you. That's plenty. I bet more likely than not they know what a loon their daughter is and probably don't blame you for any of the issues.

I don't know the entire history of the situation with sd, nor do i need to, but if my sd had a wedding and had asked her father to be a part of her day, I'd have gotten an extra job or cut back on some things or whatever it took to make sure he was there at the rehearsal and dinner and wedding. Why on earth should she have a rehearsal for the biggest day of her life with a stand in pastor just so you and dh don't have to spend $50 on gas? If it was only 2hrs away, you could have driven up for the rehearsal and dinner, and back home the same night and not paid for a motel Friday night, or Sunday night for that matter. Why do you need a day off to relax after a 2 hr drive?

Like I said, I don't know the history and I hope this works out for you.

sixteensmom's picture

Three of our six are getting married in the next 20 months and I sure hope the brides don't convert to zilla's!

Not-the-mom's picture


It is obvious that you are as ignorant as giltridden. If you read my posts carefully in this thread, you would know that your answer is MOOT. We don't have the brides parents address, phone number or email address....IF they even have a computer. We know for a fact that Bridezilla won't give it to us either, even if we ask nicely.
INPUT is not to have BASHING, THREATS or SHAMING elements it or it is just DESTRUCTIVE NON-CONSTRUCTIVE pontifications from the ignorant poster.

Of course my DH can introduce himself to her parents, he isn't a child, but HE SHOULDN'T HAVE TO!!! That is the whole point! StepAside, you are totally right in what you say. There are a LOT of younger people (not ALL of them) who think that everyone should cater to THEM. These kids have MASTER DEGREES and they can't crack an etiquette book and read it? :O

It appears from my observations that you HRNYC and giltridden, are either my skids or their friends posting. If you aren't you are just clueless idiots.

Dear sixteensmom, why should the daughter make it so complicated for her father to be at the rehearsal/dinner? An extra $50.00 is a LOT of money for us. We are not young any longer, so yes, we needed the WHOLE MONDAY OFF to recuperate after we drove home.
According to you, my husband should have been willing and able to jump through all the hoops my SD put in his way, no matter how inconvenient or self-centered they were on her part? Get bent!

Thankyou who gave us HELPFUL MATURE information. The rest of you can go jump! Dirol

giltridden's picture

Please quit posting about me. And you are talking about maturity? Yeah, calling people, who wouldn't be here if they weren't in a painful situation, idiots...really mature.

sixteensmom's picture

LOL - "Get bent" !!
So much for 'input please.' Like I said, I hope this works out for you.

Not-the-mom's picture

Dear giltridden,

If you post on my thread, you get what you get. If you don't like my posting about you, don't post on my thread.

You may have meant well, but I would suggest you modify your approach in how you post things. I possibly would have received your comments better if they were preceeded with - "I can empathize with you, but maybe this is how your skids are seeing it...." Instead you are stating things in such a way they appear to be very harsh and insensitive and very co-dependent.

I am not in the mood to see things from THEIR perspective. I KNOW their perspective - they are brats! I have had nine years of watching them and dealing with them. I am not in the mood for a stranger to try and tell me I have not been fair to them.

It might be best if you please not post on my threads in the future, because we are at opposite ends of the pole when it comes to "being fair minded" and trying to see things from both sides. I have done that and all I got was CRAP. The gloves are off now, and I am taking no prisoners! They have poked the bear one too many times! I would suggest you not poke the bear either, because this bear is ready to chew on someones butt!

giltridden's picture

I intended to come on here and read whatever nastiness you had posted to me, but taking my own advice, I understand how far you must have been pushed and hurt to get to this point of anger. So, I have a legitimate (in my opinion) question for you? How does your husband deal with all this anger and animosity? I ask because my SD has done a lot of shit to me that is unbelievable. When DH and I used to fight about it, I'd be soooooooo frustrated and beg him to explain to me why he let this little brat manipulate him so much, and one time he said simply "She's my daughter. I can't abandon her." And I am so in love with this man, that I vowed to do everything I can to help this girl. And believe me, she has spit in my face so many times I can't count. So I am finally setting limits and DH has followed suit...and blah blah blah...So I am wondering where your DH stands in this? Does he stand beside you? Or beside them? Or somewhere in the middle?

ownedbypedro's picture

Way to tell it Not-the-Mom!!!

I have been accused by a different poster on this board of "not being self-sufficient" among other things, because I was disappointed that my husband didn't defend me when he damn well should have.

Apparently, if a weakened physical and emotional state (miscarriage), I should have defended myself and because I didn't I am not self-sufficient.

Okay, whatever...

Hang in there and keep us posted and God Bless the Bear!!!

cant win for losin's picture

My thoughts...

First, its too bad they couldnt have practiced on friday and had dinner on saturday.
While yes i agree "etiquette" calls for formal introductions done by a, b, and c, i think we can ALL agree thats not gonna happen. So instead of staying focused on the suppose to be's, i say you and dh march right up to those other parents and introduce yourselves.
We assume so many things in life. I understand also that given history and situations with people, sometimes our assumptions are right. BUT there is a new variable, those other parents. There is no history with them for you, so i think an assumption is not the right choice. Im talking the assumptions of etiquette, the assumption they have been informed about you, the assumption they will be introduced, or even introduce themselves.
You never know, these parents could give two squats about etiquette, these parents could have a "partially strained" relationship with their kid, or soon to be in-law. Maybe these parents will be the most down to earth people and think cause you didnt introduce yourselves you are snobby. Maybe after introductions, they will think "boy, we had them all wrong" (in a good way)
In the end you two going up and saying " it is so nice to finally meet you. We are so and so. How are you?" could make the sk look like a fool. Especially if those parents say "sk we met so and so, they are soo nice."

Disneyfan's picture

I think it's funny how the opinions/advice changes based on the bride's title.

If the bride is a SM and her MIL wants certain things to occur at the wedding that the bride is against, posters say it's your day-- do what you and your FH want.

If the bride is a SD, and she ignores the wants/needs of SM and her dad, then she's a bridezilla.

Not-the-mom's picture

I have had to work on my husband for years to get him to see that his kids are manipulating him. Finding this site, and other advice from counselors, our pastor and friends has helped him "see the light" so to speak. Wink

He is totally supportive in my ranting here. I think he would rather I rant here than in his ear! Blum 3

My ranting here - and my SS's fiance stalking me here - and their reading my posts, and then "feeling" (there's that word again)that their "rights and privacy" have been infringed upon by my posting here anonymously under an alter ego, using no names, places, etc...has also helped wake my husband up to how self-centered they are. They don't seem to see at all that MY PRIVACY has been violated MORE then theirs! They have gossiped to their friends, family, etc... and these people they told know our name, where we live, what we look like!

My DH first began to really wake up by how his daughter, her new husband, his EX and his son - and all their friends treated him at his daughters wedding. Other mature adults at the wedding were coming up to us commenting on how disrespectful the others were being to my DH! :O

There is a LOT I haven't shared here on these boards, so believe me, I - and especially my DH - have GOOD REASON to be ticked off and down right angry at these brats.

Weddings are stressful enough without the extra drama. Every move we made or make to try and help them is met with rude, disrespectful, childish behavior. As soon as we think things have settled down, they come up with some new way to be snots. And of cours if we complain, or set boundaries with them, we aren't being "fair". :sick:

Etiquette helps society be civilized. It helps interpresonal relationships run smoother - versus everyone doing what "feels good" to them, and to hell with how others are affected by our inconsiderate actions.

Weddings should be the height of GOOD MANNERS. It should be a time when extra care is taken to help your FAMILY and GUESTS feel they are appreciated for supporting you and coming to your wedding. People are traveling to your wedding destination (which can be far away), spending money on rooms, clothes, gas, buying you a presnt or giving you money,.....It is NOT the time to demand, impose, stamp your feet, have a fit because you think "It is MY special day, everything should be focused on ME and what I want."

If manners weren't so important, why are there so many books written about them? Emily Post books have been published for over 100 years, and she now has her own web site to help people deal with different situations.

My observations show me that there are quite a few people on these boards who are as clueless as our skids. I find this sad.

Yes, my husband and I could just be quiet and be co-dependent enablers and don't have any expectations from these little darlings. That's what their mother is doing, and she is creating little narcissistic jerks, but catering to their every desire or pushing them to think of OTHERS and not just themselves.

So, to answer your question giltridden, my husband supports me 100% in my ranting here and in my decision to disengage from the kids.

We are just trying to get past this wedding (the second one in under one year) and then we are hoping things will settle down. The kids go their way, and we go ours.

Not-the-mom's picture

I know my DH will like to try and keep up some sort of communication with his kids, but I have NO INTEREST on my part, and he is going to be careful how, when and where he does keep in contact with them. In the meantime......

We can use that "shoot apart" inertia to go in a new direction to have FUN!!!! Biggrin Weeeeeeee.