I think this is a moment where you can sit down and talk to your daughter. Ask her why your wife is not invited. Then remind her that you are paying for the majority of this wedding and the only thing you ask is that your long time wife is included as your wife. After all, her mother and her husband are invited despite the past indescretions and bad behaviour on all sides.

Assure your daughter that your wife is there only as your wife and not as a mother replacement. Just as she is OK with her stepfather being there as her stepfather and not a replacement for yourself. 

I do suspect as her mother is the party planner then she is nixing the invite for your wife. Although if you are footing the bill and are included on the invites then automatically your wife should be included. 

This is a hill I would die on. Either your wife comes or you are out of the wedding which includes your checkbook. If your daughter sobs that this is all too much offer to pay for an elopement or speak to her mother yourself.

If you allow your daughter to exclude your wife now, she will keep doing it, thinking it is now the normal thing to do.  You are right to think of you and your wife as a unit, much as you daughter and her husband will be a unit.  Would she expect her husband to be excluded from family functions???  How this gets settled set the precedent for the future.  If bridezilla wants to call all the shots, she can pony up the money to pay for everything.  She sounds ungrateful for anything that comes from you.  I wouldn't let my any of my daughters act like this and get away with it, I brought them up better.  My skids on the other hand, I expect this from them.  They were brought up with hate in their hearts.  

Would you let your partner, your love, your wife be put through this type of treatment?  And pay for it all to boot? Tell your daughter no way will you exclude my wife and also expect me to contribute to hurting her in this way. Tell her we will be there together as partners or not at all.

Your daughter is either acting as an agent of her mother, or she wants all eyes on her on her special day....and likely views your wife as a distraction to her having 100% of your attention.

But regardless of the reason, it's highly disrespectful. If you allow it, she will continue the disrespect and then resort to using your grandchild as a pawn. Also, you stand a good chance of divorcing. I've had issues with my DH and his histrionic whiny daughter needing all eyes on her, but if he had turned the other cheek from this type of exclusion I would have divorced him.

Tell your DD that when every other invitee leaves their spouses at home, you will leave yours at home too. And if she doesn't straighten up, you will not attend or pay for any of the wedding.  You don't like this? Your other option down the road is divorce. You are trying to solve this problem with your daughter - you better be kissing your DW's a$$ right now, believe me.

You say you would be hurt to not attend your DD's wedding. Have some empathy and put yourself in yourself in wife's shoes and imagine how she must feel. 

Talk to your daughter. If that doesn't work, you're going to have to make a choice.

Personally, and unless your finances are totally separate, I would be P!SSED if my DH were spending a huge amount of OUR money on an event I wasn't invited to. First lesson your very adult DD needs to learn is that if she wants nice things, she either learns to pay for it herself or she is overly gracious to those who are providing.

You will likely have to choose either your wife or your daughter. It is unfair to your wife that YOU cheated and YOU helped break up your family but only SHE gets punished. If you make the choice of attending this wedding without your wife, you just continue to punish her so that you can have your cake and eat it to. It will eventually be a catalyst to yet another failed marriage.

This is a hill I would die on If SO - and note we are NOT married yet, decided to attend nonetheless pay for a wedding I was not invited to I would be out. 

If my DH ever did this to me - ie went to the wedding of one of my SDs from which I had specifically been excluded - I would conclude that our marriage was over, and take steps accordingly.  

My husband paid for his daughter's wedding. My SD didn't want me at the wedding either, but she knew that if I were excluded DH would not be paying for the wedding. There is no way DH would pay for and attend a family function I was not invited to. 

Not would I attend a function DH wasn't invited to. I didn't attend a family wedding when we were engaged as he wasn't included in the invitation. 

My husband would laugh in his daughter's face if she pulled this crap. Then, he would tell her to have fun at her wedding and have fun paying for it.

This is really disrespectful...to you (not just your wife). You see that, right? If she wants to draw this line, she should not ask for, nor accept, one penny from you.

Brides who are not paying for their own wedding, do not get to call the shots. That's just the way it is, the way it has always been. It's why there are people in attendance that the bride doesn't even know, because for the parents who are paying for the wedding, it's a social event, and they invite some of THEIR friends and some of THEIR associates. And, they bring their spouse.

Time to tie your support of the wedding costs to reasonable behavior on the part of your unreasonable daughter.  She either pulls her head out of her ass... or the money that you and your bride are providing for the wedding flies.  End of story.

The beauty of adults who are not actually adults is they can either do what they are told when they are told or they can suffer their choices.  Make her feel.  She will either come around or she won't. The choice is hers.

She needs to understand that the resources in your marriage are marrital resources and as such they are not solely yours.  They are also your bride's.  Your DD catches a clue or she and baby daddy can pay for their own damned wedding.

Keep it simple.  She does what she is told... or she suffers.

When she comes around make sure that your bride is proudly on your arm, the two of you are radiantly happy, and well prepped to not tolerate any crap from either  your daughter or your XW and her DH who apparently are such wastes of parental skin that they are not paying for the wedding.

And have fun rubbing your toxic DD's nose in her petty crap.

BM had a very young SD tell him repeatedly, "Mom says you are invited to my birthday party but Ipso is not."  Nice parenting.  Way to put the poor kid in the middle.

DH said, "Ipso is MY WIFE.  If she's not invited, I'm not invited."

I'm sure BM was expecting DH to pay for the party.  He didn't.  And nothing like this ever happened again.

You need to ask yourself what is more important to you, your marriage to your DW or your relationship with your DD. Not to pick sides, but seriously, what type of man pays for something and sits back while his DD tells him his wife is not invited to what he is paying for?

Please grow some for the sake of your marriage and tell your DD that you will not be going to her royal wedding, nor paying for anything if she continues to act like a fairy princASS and disrespects your marriage and your wife by purposely excluding your wife. It is not like you are dating. This is your wife who is being purposely excluded and it is just plain morally wrong and an evil thing for your DD to do.

It is not okay that you are expected to respect your Dd's wedding and yet the same DD cannot respect or at least be civil toward your marriage. 

It's time to let your ex-wife, DD and any any other haters know that this disrespect toward your marriage and exclusion of your wife is going to stop immediately or you will not associate with either of them.

If my DH went to this wedding and allowed me to be purposely excluded, he'd be out the door that same day, locks changed and clothes in the driveway. I would not sit back and let anyone in my family exclude my husband from any event. If they did, I would tell them I won't be going either, no further discussion.

when DH and I were dating I was purposely excluded from one of his adult spawn's wedding and any festivities. All other couples were invited. His spawn hated me from day one. My BF at the time, now my DH was beside himself he could not bring me. I personally didn't want to go, but he kept asking if he could bring me. Anyway, I never went and his relationship with that spawn and spouse has never been the same. My DH lost all respect for them as a result, as he tells me. The skids also tried to break us up during their royal wedding week event. 

So, the only way I would suggest you go with a clear conscience is if in fact your DW is 1000% in agreement you go with no hard feelings whatsoever. If she is hurt or feels left out in any way, you need to man up, remember your marriage vows, which may of included something like "not forsaking one another", and tell your hateful DD and ex-wife, no invite, no money, want my deposits back and will not attend, period, end of discussion.

when another skid got married, DH told his spawn if you exclude my fiancée at the time, I will no contribute nor attend your wedding. I was invited, but all sorts of exclusion games were played at the wedding. 

Anyway, don't let these hateful people disrespect your marriage and your wife this way any longer.

good luck

"She needs to understand that the resources in your marriage are marrital resources and as such they are not solely yours."

Your wife deserves the respect of an invitation because she has taken your wife's resources (and yours) for her big day.

Tell her you can't imagine not being there for her wedding, but you also can't imagine that she would take your household resources (that belong to you and your wife) to pay for her wedding and then make it impossible for you to go. I'd also reverse it and ask how she would feel if she were invited to your wedding and told her husband-to-be is not invited.

If she's worried about what her mom will say, tell your daughter she had no problem making a demand that hurt you and your wife, so she should have no problem telling her mom your wife is invited. Time to grow up and step up.

If SD is so incensed by your affair, she should not have taken your money for her wedding. Your current wife did not break any vows to your ex-wife. I never understand why everyone blames the mistress.

This is a no-brainer for me. Your daughter has absolutely no respect for your marriage so why should you even consider taking hers seriously? If she wanted me to foot the bill for her big party, I'd demand not only an invitation for my spouse but also an apology to her, dammit!

Go rouind there and talk to her face-to-face, just the two of you. No wishy-wshy texting or calling.Tell her how things are going to be otherwise she can forget about the funding. 

GO straight to the problem. Your ex. 

She keeps answering the phone anyway. As there you go, tell her either both stepparents are attending or neither stepparent is. If she wants her new husband there  you expect the very same for yourself (your wife attends too). 

If ex tells you to shove it, you tell her fine, you will shove your wallet right back into your pocket. If and when she (your ex) decides to be a grown up and not an a**hole for the sake of your joint daughter, she can call you back with your extreme attitude change.... letting you know, of course, your wife is invited.

Be sure your wife is appropriately seated during the wedding and is sat with you during any reception.

Your ex has two choices 1) both stepparents attend and both stepparents are treated with respect, or 2) ex can get busy now canceling all the arrangements and notified already invited guess. 

If she is silly enough to cancel, just hand your daughter and your 2bSIL the cash you would have spent and let the two go on a lovely romantic destination wedding on some wonderful beach and take their best man and maid of honor and have a great intimate ceremony and honeymoon. Your treat. 

Two can be an a**hole, let your ex know you mean it. 

As between the three alternatives you list - being hurt by missing your daughter's big day, threatening to take your money back, or being hurt by going alone, I would probably go for Door #2, threatening to take your money back.  And I wouldn't just threaten, I would do it if your wife isn't invited.  Husbands and wives attend weddings together.  To allow the terrorist SD to exclude your wife is to disrespect your wife and your marriage.  Not only HER disrespecting it, but YOU.  If my husband PAID FOR or even contributed to his daughter's wedding to which I was not invited, he would not be my husband for long.  The hurt, resentment and bad feelings that would cause could not be overcome.

I knew that BM was behind this cluster $@+* . Is her partner excluded from the wedding as well? I thought not. Yeah you are being manipulated. Do not choose to participate in their game. Set the standard now, stop living the guilt. If you don't this will be your future.

To support your DW.  unfortunately there is no way for this to end well.  DD already totally mess of the wedding.  Your DW was hurt and there no way to make any of this better.  You really don’t know if she will go now.  I would not go.  You have to not pay for the wedding.  Have to pull the funds. Let BM and SD pay for the wedding. Or have a much smaller wedding.  You did nothing wrong.   Even if you force DD to invite your DW.  Your wife knows he is not wanted, and will not want to embarrass here self.  She will be seated in the corner next to the kitchen.  She will not be involved in photos, family dances, ect.  You have to stay home with your money and support your wife 

If your daughter was not inviting either your wife.. or the man that her mother cheated on you with...then I would kind of be on board with the "no homewreckers at the wedding" clause. 

My situation with my DH isn't like yours as I met him years after he was split... but I have stepped back and not gone to some events (though I did go to OSD's wedding).  I guess the more intimate things like showers where I would have been forced to closely interact with BM weren't my cup of tea.  Now, mind you I WAS invited.. but sent a gift and regrets.

I do have a problem with you footing the bill for something that is being handled so unfairly. 

I think you have to discuss this with your daughter and ask her to explain the unequal treatment.  Make her give you a reason.  If she says "mom says she won't come if she does".. I would tell her that is very unfair of her mother to put her in that position and does she really think that her mother will stay home?... no.  I would tell her that you are uncomfortable with the unequal treatment to the point where you are unsure whether you want to be part of this in person or with your checkbook.  Let your daughter respond to that.

I would tell my DD that I was ashamed of her selfish, entitled behavior. She is entering into her own marriage, and it's time to grown up and respect your marriage as well.

Then close your wallet. I would not struggle with this decision for ten more seconds.

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