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understanding "their" connection

dodgegal05's picture

Submitted by dodgegal05 on Sat, 07/02/2011 - 12:03am

Forums: 
Adult Stepchildren

I am engaged to a great guy with 4 adult skids. They are not his biologically, but he raised them. I can understand that he considers them his kids as I have a step grandpa that raised me and I consider him my only grandfather (bio grandfather was abusive to bio grandma). The thing I cannot understand is the connection between them as i have no bio kids or kids i consider mine in my life. The jealousy is so irritating bc i know I should not feel that way. Im not even sure I want kids and my fh doesnt at this point either which is fine, but I think if i understood the connection btwn parent and child our relationship would be better. Any opinions?

oneoffour's picture

Submitted by oneoffour on Sat, 07/02/2011 - 9:11am

I would look at it like this ... he basically 'adopted' the kids.
Would you tell him to not see any legally adopted kids?

He is probably the only real father figure thay have. And they make him feel important and useful. If it works, it works. YOu can't change it.

However if their 'connection' crosses over boundaries I would seriously consider getting caught up in the whole drama. Some things are just deal-breakers. It doesn't mean you are right or wrong, the situation just doesn't fit with your beliefs.

Kes's picture

Submitted by Kes on Sun, 07/03/2011 - 11:54am

There is no "should" in feeling matters. I feel jealous of my two teenage step daughters, because they compete with me for my DH's attention. I had a very poor upbringing with a neglectful and emotionally absent mother, and it is now hard for me to share my DH with his daughters. If I were more secure it probably wouldn't be. I didn't feel jealous of my ex husband with my biological daughters, probably a totally different situation.

As the previous post says, unless their relationship does not observe what you would consider appropriate boundaries, then just accept it, and accept your own feelings too, don't give yourself a hard time for nothing. Your fiance sounds like a good man - his adopted children obviously love him - hopefully in time you will be able to participate in that relationship too.