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is it posssible to understand what you havent had?

dodgegal05's picture

I dont have bio kids, never raised any children. My df raised 4 kids (his ex's, after the divorce she dumped them on him). I cant seem to understand the relationship btwn them (df and skids). So I express jealousy sometimes towards the relationship since df is against having more kids at this point. I dont want kids either right now, but I sometimes feel like he doesn't want that experience with me like he did with his ex.
My family and I are very close. Df and his family are not very close. Df gets jealous when I spend time with my family, sometimes even if he is there with us.
I guess my question is can a person understand a relationship they have never had?

CalgonTakeMeAway's picture

Personally, I don't think you can really understand relationships until you have experienced them. There are so many feelings involved. I will never know what it feels like to have a child of my own. Did I understand you to say that DH raised his skids or were they his bio-kids?

You really need to address the kid issue before you get married. If he really will not have more kids, you will end up resenting him. To me, that would be a deal breaker. Are you willing to give up something that important for this man?

dodgegal05's picture

Yes. They are his stepkids. After his divorce she left the kids with him and since he was in their lives so long he raised them.

Kes's picture

I have two grown up bio daughters, as well as teenage SDs. I still get jealous sometimes of my DH's relationship with them. Jealousy can crop up whenever you feel you are in competition for someone you love with someone else, who you perceive to be getting more attention than you, as you and your SKIDS, and your DF and your family.

Maybe your DF feels he has had enough of parenting and just wants to be with you on your own. But if you really want a child I would have the discussion with him while that is still possible, as you may regret it later, if you don't.

giveitago's picture

I talked to DH about it and it's really not jealousy, it's grief. We have both considered how it would be if the kids were both of ours biologically, those moments, those firsts. Then we consider that we may never have met otherwise!
It bugged the hell out of me when we'd be out for a meal and the entire conversation would revolve around 'the old house' and 'old times' which did not include me. All part of the PAS thing though.
It's really the here and now that is important, and the bonds that are formed.

BMS0820's picture

I know exactly how you feel.....my SO was married twice and has two kids from each marriage and doesn't want anymore of his own.....i don't have any of my own and for now i don't want any...but its hard for me to comprehend why he wouldn't want any with me when i am suppose to be his soul mate.....i'm about to cry....ugg