Stepdaughter's Wedding only 2 weeks away and the drama has began
StepD wedding is drawing closer and already the drama has started. I decided to wear a light mustard silk dress and jacket, however DH tells me that I would look too glamorous and it would look like I am 'the mother of the bride'. He thinks a nice dark navy blue silk suit would be better as I would blend in. What he is concerned that his children would think that I am taking their mother's place. The bride's mother has decided not to go to the wedding as she does not like crowds.
My take on the matter is, I will wear what I feel comfortable in and what I like. As long as I do not wear ivory, cream or any bridal colours, I am fine. So far DH has not been given any information about the wedding. In fact he has not been involved at all. I think he is getting very nervous, re the seating plans and how I would be treated. Thankfully, I get on really well with his siblings and family, so I would not be sitting alone. My children would also be there. I do feel sad that the bride's mother would not be attending, but that has nothing to do with me. I am naturally a glamorous person. I like to look good and well groomed. I am not going to look frumpy, just to please the skids. I know that this is his real concern. They think I am trying to mother them if I cook a meal in our home. Although the daughter who is getting married to me, has always been respectful and civil. The other 2 skids are a nightmare. They have made it very clear that they want nothing to do with me. I am fine with that. I also make it clear that I want nothing to do with them. We are always very civil to each other, that is it.
Any advice ladies on what I might expect at the wedding. I want to be mentally prepared for any eventuality!
He can think whatever he
He can think whatever he wants. None of my business (nor the OP's, obviously).
I think it's a real shame when people hide their light under a bushel to please someone else. What kind of person would ever want to make someone they love appear to less than who they are?
Do you speak with your SD at
Do you speak with your SD at all? If so, contact her and say, "SD, I wanted to run my outfit by you since it's YOUR BIG DAY and I wanted to be sure it was OK with you. Please let me know what you think of this dress." Since you say you've always been civil to each other, it should be fine for you to ask her. If SHE thinks your outfit is too much, tone it down. If SHE says it's fine, tell your DH to stuff it. Quite frankly, she could probably not care less what you'll be wearing. I'm hoping that's the case and she says, "Yeah, it's fine, wear whatever you want" BUT with the whole skids thing just avoid the drama and wear something more sedate if she vetos your choice.
Things has sure changed.
Things has sure changed. Wedding was postponed as groom's father was ill. And mother of the bride decided that she does not like crowds and would not be attending the wedding. I am not entirely sure that is the reason, but that is what she says.
I have never been described as an OTT dresser. I have always been described as a classically dressed woman, so I doubt that is the reason. I am tall and in good shape and prefer simplicity, OTT dressing is definitely not the issue. I cannot see what difference the colour of the suit makes. I might add, it is the same suit just different colour. Because the Ex is not attending, DH is treading carefully, not to be accused of trying to be the 'Mother of the bride'.
I have no intention of behaving in that manner.
Kathc, I have spoken to SD,
Kathc, I have spoken to SD, she has told me to wear what I want, but nothing ivory. DH is the one giving the heat. He is worried that the other 2 Skids, does not accuse me of trying to take their mother's place.
If SD doesn't care, DH needs
If SD doesn't care, DH needs to stop obsessing.
Years ago a woman wearing a dark dress to a wedding meant one of two things: either you were in mourning or you disapproved of the wedding. He wouldn't want the skids to think you disapproved of the wedding, would he? Or you can hire someone to make the mourning part true (just kidding). Those are his options if he keeps insisting you wear dark blue.
Go with the yellow, be
Go with the yellow, be radiant, and knock their socks off. What you describe is both respectful of the event and classy. Enjoy.
I have no advice as my Skid is not married and I have no common experiences that are blended family related.
However... my XW's cousin’s husband tried to kick several of my employees out of our wedding. The cousin's husband was an undercover narcotics officer and apparently three of my employees were dealing coke. Unbeknownst to me.
I had to shut the guy down and inform him that if he could not STFU and just relax that he could leave. I gave him my card, told him to call me, and that I would be happy to provide him any support I could in his investigation but the wedding was not the time or the place for him to do what he needed to do.
He did call me and I did help him. My employees were never arrested or indicted.
I have no doubt that you are
I have no doubt that you are gorgeous and perfectly capable of dressing yourself but maybe this is your husband's way of saying, "Honey, I love you but that dress is hideous."
Maybe he is just trying to talk you out of a fashion faux pas. My ex would say something along the lines of, "That's pretty. But are you sure that's what you want to wear?"
It was code for, "Oh Lord, Chick. No, no, no."
I don't get DH's reasoning;
I don't get DH's reasoning; you should wear a navy suit and look less than fabulous so no one thinks you're trying to play MOTB? MOTB doesn't want to go, that is all on her, not SM's fault! I associate navy suits w/the business, airline stewardesses and women in the service of our country. You'd likely look very out of place at a wedding w/a navy suit on. Wear what you want and tell DH that he doesn't have to sit w/you if he doesn't like what you wear.
If you want to assure him that you're not trying to mother his precious skids then wear a name tag that says, "NOT THE MOMMA!"
I'm sure he does and sadly he
I'm sure he does and sadly he tries to dull his wife's brilliance rather than confront his kids. In this case, as in most cases w/SM's, she's damned if she does and damned if she doesn't. If she goes dressed as a flight attendant she'll be mocked and if she looks stunning she'll be criticized. I'm sure she won't be the only woman who decided to glam it up for the wedding. She'll stand out no more than the inebriated woman wearing the hot pink prom dress that's 3 sizes too small.
Such a terrible name for a
Such a terrible name for a great color. Anytime someone says they're going to wear a condiment eyebrows will be raised.
^^^THIS!!!^^^
^^^THIS!!!^^^
Now OP has to get permission
Now OP has to get permission from MOTG as to what she can wear?! She's already talked to the bride, MOTB is not showing and the other skids will hate her no matter what she wears. Please cite your sources that say SM must be the frumpiest of all.
Yes name calling is pathetic
Yes name calling is pathetic and I believe not allowed on this site. Still waiting for those sources. ...
Dear Sammy. I don't even know
Dear Sammy. I don't even know why there's such a debate. You wear what you want. It not as if you're going in a black leather skirt and a leopard skin boob tube! You go girl - mustard rules!
QUOTE: ‘As long as I do not
QUOTE: ‘As long as I do not wear ivory, cream or any bridal colours, I am fine.
Why have you decided that? Where did you get it from? A general rule for guests who attend a wedding set forth by those who advise civil society in proper dress etiquette when attending a wedding?’
This is a generally accepted practice in the UK.
QUOTE: ‘But guess what? It doesn't end there. A person can "look good and well groomed" and be "described as a classically dressed woman," but that doesn't mean she has class or knows everything in the etiquette department. So look it up or ask someone. Here in the States, proper etiquette is for the SM to ask the bride about the color(s) she should wear, and/or to ask the mother of the bride and/or groom because it's also not proper to be dressed better than them. Otherwise, you might as well wear white or "ivory, cream or any bridal colours." A faux pas is a faux pas regardless of your personal desires and despite knowing one or two things about attending a wedding.’
Completely redundant ramble as OP has already consulted with the bride re this UK wedding.
QUOTE: ‘Clearly, people here don't know either. This board always advises "do whatever you want.’
Not true.
QUOTE: ‘I think it would be wise of you to check with those who matter’
She already did.
QUOTE: ‘because your husband makes a very good point.’ You are not supposed to outshine those in the wedding party or the mothers of the bride and groom.
OP’s DH did not make a point about ‘outshining’ - he is worried she will look too glamorous i.e. like the mother of the bride.
IMO a ridiculously unsupportive stance to take.
QUOTE: ‘Since MOB won't be there, you should probably consult with the groom's mom...or mum.’
Speechless.
QUOTE: ‘ETA: It appears your husband knows more about the dress etiquette at weddings than you do.’
And very little about nurturing a happy marriage.
QUOTE: ‘You're not just a guest. You are the SM whether you're a part of the wedding or not.’
Confusing word salad.
QUOTE: ‘There is someone where you to live that can guide you on this subject.’
The bride, maybe? Oh, yes, she did that. Or perhaps she should just rely on her own sense of judgement about what suits her and what is appropriate. A tailored, mustard suit for a wedding sounds very acceptable if not bordering on conservative.
QUOTE: ‘There's something wrong with your reading comprehension because once again, you didn't understand crap.’
Crap is difficult to understand.
QUOTE: ‘If you want to know, you will ask me as if you want to know and not as if I better.'
Still working this out.
QUOTE: ‘Look something up for once instead of running your mouth with nothing to say. ‘
Excellent advice.
QUOTE: ‘Look something up for
QUOTE: ‘Look something up for once instead of running your mouth with nothing to say. ‘
Excellent advice.
^^Agreed! Best advice I've heard in a long time.
My friend wore a black dress
My friend wore a black dress that tapered to grey to her daughters wedding. Her daughter helped pick it out.
I think as long as the bride is ok with the colour and you feel comfortable in the outfit, go for it.
Thank you all for your
Thank you all for your comments.
It has been a real nerve wrecking week. DH and I had a talk yesterday and I told him that I will be going as me. I will wear what I want and will not wear a navy blue suit simply because in his words 'he does not want his kids to think I am trying to be the mother of the bride'' he wants me 'to blend in and not be noticed''.
I am not going to blend in, as I will probably the only 5ft 11" woman of colour at the wedding. I wear, black and blue suits every week day to work, I will not wear it to a wedding, just so that his adult kids will not feel threatened. For the record, he loves the outfit that I chosen, which is a light mustard/beigeish colour. But because he does not want to upset his kids, he thinks I should wear it in the navy. A few of my friends and family has seen the outfit and they think it looks amazing on and so does the bride to be.
I have had a few comments who have told me to listen to my husband. My response to that, is whilst I respect and adore my DH, I know his shortcomings, especially when skids are concerned. In the past, I have listened to him when he told me his skids really liked me, when in reality, they could barely muster a hello. I have listened to his endless denial of how badly the skids treated me. I have listened to him when he has told me to not to cook as the skids were coming around and they will think I am mothering them. I have listened to him, when he told me, that the skids would like to spend Christmas Day with us and would like their mother to come too. Also they would prepare lunch. Of course I said NO Way, but I listened. Like most of us on this site, I have been to hell and back with these skids and DH denials.
Over the years things have changed, I now I have boundaries, I no longer place myself in uncomfortable positions and I no longer accept to be treated shabbily. I also no longer accept his denials. As far as I am concerned, DH is getting extremely nervous about the wedding, he confessed that one of the skids is starting to feel resentful towards me again (as if she was not before) as she feels, she has lost her father and is now losing a sister. We have both grown, but every now and again, DH reverts back to getting nervous and scared when it concerns skids. That is his problem, I am too friendly, considerate, warm and giving, to be hidden and I will not be put on the shelf, just because a skid (who is not the bride) feels threatened.
As I said, DH and I have had a long talk, he respects my decision and said he will try and take skid out before the wedding to see if he can smooth things over. As usual, all this has nothing to do with my outfit, it has all to do with not upsetting the brooding skid.
"Your DH can meet with his
"Your DH can meet with his daughter if he chooses. However, if I were you, I would make it clear that I don't want to hear one word from that conversation." Sammy, this could not be more true!!! This should continue after the wedding also.
Glad to hear you're going in
Glad to hear you're going in a gown you will feel lovely in! I hope you have a great time and/or at least get some pics of you looking fabulous.
StepAside. Thank you for
StepAside. Thank you for your links. It was really useful.
StepAside ……. Gone are the
StepAside ……. Gone are the days when the conversations about the Skids dominated my home. DH chooses his conversations very carefully. I have no problem with him meeting his SD, as I always say, you can meet them, have lunch with them, go clubbing with them as long as I do not have to go with you. My boundaries are clear and I never falter. It was hard at first, but now he gets the message loud and clear. It was his daughter's birthday in May, she had a dinner party. He told me I was invited, then said " I suppose it is not your thing". No, it is not my thing to go and get ignored. So I happily stayed in. No more knots in my stomach.
We all start of listening, believing and hoping our DHs would do something about it, then the realisation reaches home, that we need to take control of the situation, or we will become a nervous, low self esteemed woman. That is what I have done and our life is so much better. I never say anything negative about the skids, I am simply quiet. The bride to be, is really nice and has made a real effort to get to know me. Equally I nurture our relationship. The other two just about say hello. There is zero relationship between us. I am happy with that. I do not force any conversation, if we are in a room alone, you can hear a pin drop. This is when my kindle comes out!
Believe me things have moved on. I remember DH saying to me, if his kids did not like me, he cannot be with me. Meanwhile, his family, including his mother, told me, they always knew that from the word go that my 2 skids/monsters would give any SM hell as they were extremely close to their mother. The bride to be, was more independent. The skids were in their mid twenties when we met.
Our DHs are not stupid, they know exactly what is happening, they choose to ignore it or stay silent. DH gave his daughter £30.000 towards the wedding. He expected to be involved and had even taken 2 weeks of work so he can help with the wedding, he was expecting to be central of it all. Well he got the shock of his life ….. An invite with details … then absolutely nothing. It is like he is going as a guest. It is not a church wedding, registry then reception.
Whilst I do not think that she is being spiteful, I think that the couple wanted to do everything by themselves. Apart from paying for it! I have said nothing, it is his money not mine. The last few months, he has confessed that he calls his kids and it takes them 3 weeks to return his calls. Also that they are so busy they hardly see each other. On the other hand, my daughter calls me every single day and him every 3 days for a catch up. I know his kids adore him. He is slowly learning the importance of protecting our relationship, even though he something reverts back to the 'scared of kids' mode.
Dang! Go to the wedding as
Dang! Go to the wedding as your husband's wife, because that is what you are. And, expect to be treated like your husband's wife too. Get tired of everyone sounding like SMs and BMs battle it out at weddings and SM always tries to usurp BM. NO. SM just wants to be treated like her husband's spouse, and just like all the other couples there will be treated--like a couple.
Love to all SMs! See below:
I know this is true for me.
I know this is true for me. IF I go to ss31's wedding, since he keeps saying that he's going to marry gf, usurping BM's role and glory would be the last thing on my mind. I would just want to look nice and be DH's wife, that is all. My goal would be to be supportive of DH, be his date for the wedding, and send my well wishes to the (doomed) union. If too much sh*t is being flung my way before the event even happens then I will take a pass and make sure I'm booked to work overtime.