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So I have been uninvited to step kid's wedding

Sammy3355's picture

I did not want to go to the wedding, neither did I want to attend the engagement, however since this particular stepkid had always been kind, polite and accepting of me. As he is the only accepting of the step kids, naturally I want to strengthen the relationship. I made it clear to SO that I really do not mind if I did not go, however SO assured me that SS would like me to do.

3 months down the line, I have been uninvited. BM says that she will not go if I am going. So SS32 is in a difficult position. Weak backboned DH, tells me that he cannot give his son an ultimatum, however he will talk to him.

On another note, SS32 had invited us for Christmas way back in September. Even before this happened, I decided that I really want to spend Christmas with my family. I have spent 3 Christmases with OS family. Also I wanted to feel totally comfortable, although SS32 is nice and receptive to me. When his other siblings are around he is withdrawn and keeps away. But I understand that.

I know my SO was the victim of domestic abuse in his marriage, this family has told me so, it is clear to see that the ex wife abused him mentally. To an extent that she did not allow him to visit his family, she verbally abused him in front of colleagues, family or anyone. For these reason, I have been very patient with him.

We have been together for 8 years. We have an amazing relationship. We have had problems with the Stepkids, I have exercised boundaries that they do not cross. I also made it clear I will not accept rubbish from them. I did earlier on, but those days are over.
I give SO space and time to be a father to his kids, they go out to meals, holidays and outings. As long as I do not need to go, I am fine. However I feel that I need to be protected.

To clarify, I have no problem in not going to the wedding, I am happy being at home with a glass of cold wine and Netflix. However, I believe it is not about the wedding, it is how he allows his people to treat me. That is my stand.

What do you think

ybarra357's picture

I’m just curious as to what you expect SO to do? Not go to his son’s wedding? Not judging or anything – I just wondered.

zerostepdrama's picture

I feel there will come a time that I am in this position. I would just have to suck it up. Let DH go. I know it would bother me, him being at an event with BM there, his own family there, my in laws, etc. It would definitely suck.

Ninji's picture

I wonder what your SS's fiancé thinks of the situation. I know if I were the one getting married and anyone, to include my own mother, tried to pull this stunt, I wouldn't put up with it. The people getting married should dictate the guest list, not the guest.

GoingWicked's picture

My SO is scared of BM too, she'd go ape on him for little stuff when they were married, and he's always worried about setting her off asking her for anything... but she's only done that once (when we, for good reason, wanted custody of SD -- and ended up getting it -- woman was out of her mind) but otherwise she's generally pretty cool, so we probably wouldn't have this sort of problem.

If it were me? I would thank my lucky stars and shout woohoo to myself! I hate weddings... now to protect DH's feelings I'd probably tell him awe that's too bad, but maybe SS is right, it's best I don't go. Oooh and if DH is going, I think I would travel with him and check out the nearby tourist attractions, go shopping, and then chill in the hotel room while he is stuck doing that boring wedding bs.

Sammy3355's picture

@Ybarra, I do not expect SO not go to his SS32 wedding. However I believe that if BM makes this demand now and gets away with it , it would always be the case. I have always made it clear that I did not want to go and was totally surprised when I was invited. What concerns me is the black mail side of it.

Thankfully SO has thought about, discussed it with his siblings and has told his son he will not come to the wedding unless I am invited. He said this is another example of the domestic abuse he suffered from BM and it has to stop. He sees it as a life choice, as he can expect me to be a grandparent to his grand children if he does not stand up for me. He further added (much to my surprise) BM and the step kids need to understand how important you are to me, it is as simple as that.

I am so proud of SO, I think his talk with his family has set him straight. In my wildest dreams, I did not think he would react this way. He told me that SS32 really wants to have a relationship with me, he now believes that BM was the reason why SD29 did not want to have a relationship with me, as she is extremely close to her mother.

This is certainly a milestone in our relationship. I have always been reluctant to marry him as I felt we needed address our step problems first. This is a start.

whodalolly's picture

I'm so happy to read that your SO conveyed the feelings he did to you. I'd be willing to bet that at least half of us on here are just waiting for the day that OUR SO's relay those same sentiments to us.
I can 100% relate to your feelings of reluctance in marrying him until the step problem is under control...and I agree whole heartedly, that this is indeed a milestone step in your relationship....congratulations, Sammy ! Smile

notasm3's picture

I'm trying to figure out how I could tell DH that I would not attend a wedding if SS30 is there - but since SS would be the groom there is no way for that to happen. Smile Smile Smile

SS30's GF is pregnant. DH wants SS to man up and marry her - that's what people did in DH's generation. I hope he does not marry her as GF seems to be a decent (but naïve) young woman. I would not like to see her legally tied to SS.

If they had a wedding I REALLY REALLY REALLY would not want to attend. I'll be honest - over the years I've found excuses not to attend many weddings even for close friends when I thought their spouse to be was a jerk.

I do not think I would care if DH went. BM's DH is extremely possessive of her so there would be no "BM and my DH" activities at all. A reception would most likely be punch and cake in the church basement (with SS sneaking booze on the side).

Sammy3355's picture

Sally, I noticed that although SS32 is polite and acceptable, when he is with his siblings he barely talks or respond to me. I have in the past invited him and his intended, on three occasions and they have declined all the time. As I said, when he is alone he talks, laughs and jokes with me. He has always declined invitations, never visits the house, generally he keeps his distance.

SO feels that whereas SS32 is the oldest of the bunch, he wants he father to be happy and does not want to hurt his dad. However he is very detached. Whereas the other siblings, are just plain rude, dismissive of me and generally made it clear that they want nothing to do with me and do not care whether they hurt their dad or not.

It is a very difficult situation. However what I do know, is that SO wants to get married, he feels that this would heal the problems we have as the step kids would change if I am his wife. I disagree. We need to work on it and deal with the problem as a couple and a united front. We have both invested in this relationship, we have bought a home, and it is clear that we want to spend our lives together. However, coming from a blended family, I know that if my mother had not stood her ground with our step dad and address all the kids/step kids as a couple. We would never be the family we are today, whereby my parents are commended for the way the blended both families. Both sets of parents are deceased, but unless you know the history, you will never guess that we are steps. It is never mentioned and it upsets me when people refer to my siblings a steps.

AVR1962's picture

Sounds to me that everyone is letting BM bully them, your SS is catering to his mom, your husband won't stand up to her and you are supposed to just pleasantly take the stab in the back. It sounds like you are good at setting boundaries, time for your husband and your SS to do the same. I too was not invited to my youngest SS's wedding 8+ years ago. Neither husband or I had been invited, this was going to be a private ceremony with BM. When husband asked why we had not been invited SS told him tat his mom would not allow us in her house. We then found out that the wedding was not in her house but the reception was. My husband went to the ceremony, I opted not to attend.

Oldest SS just got married last month. I was the only one not invited. I had no plans to attend, SS's hate has been obvious and he and I have not had contact in like 9-10 years. Husband, our daughter and I did not like how he went about making sure everyone else was invited and I was asked not to attend....just another blow to the back and he was in a position where he felt he was justified to us his knife once again.

I will give you the advise my counselor gave me. The choice is yours but whatever you decided the steps will expect it to remain the same from here on out. If they can divide you/exclude you they will. My counselor also felt this was a matter of divide and conquer with SS trying to take control over his dad and I. Husband contacted his son, told him that he would only attend if I were by his side. He asked his son how he would feel if he (my husband) purposely excluded his new wife from some family event. His son did not reply and husband, daughter and I did not attend the wedding. You deserve that same sort of support.

MovingOn5344's picture

My SS20 is also decent to me. HE has a girlfriend that may become a fiance very soon. Unfortunately, the GF has been brainwashed by my SD18, and thinks that I am the classic "evil stepmom". She is more forward and aggressive with her opinions, not nearly as passive aggressive and backstabbing as SD. So, GF tends to just attack me and my character at random with no provocation. It's odd. But nonetheless, its something I have had to deal with. That being the case, I have decided on my own that I will not attend either skids weddings. After all, for 12 years I made a huge effort to be present for every major event in their lives and consistently had to deal with BM and her family lining up like a firing squad pointed right at me. Once I had infant twins to deal with myself, I decided to stop going to all events. I do not need or deserve the level of discomfort, anxiety, and downright rudeness BM and her family caused me every single time I tried to do th right thing and support my skids. Never thought I would miss things like weddings, but frankly, they do not consider me "real" family, so why should I show up just to take their abuse? I have to look out for myself first. My DH already knows I will not attend any of those events in the future, and he fully understands why and supports me.

ldvilen's picture

I dare say, that SMs have been so persecuted, villified and scapegoated over the years, that sometimes I think teenagers and young adults, just assume you can go after them, when they are not even remotely family members. That's how bad it can be. Odd how a GF can think she has more "family" rights than dad's wife or SO. BUT, I've seen this happen even in my own sitaution. My SS's GF (now fiance) twice implied to me in front of the SKs and DH, and this was after we had been married for years, that SD should be discussing "these things" with her mom vs. me. SD and I were just chatting about dresses, for God's sake. SD and I share same fashion sense. Back then, I just took it. Now, I'm thinking GF was somewhat of an ass. Wasn't her place at all. I certainly had vast more authority than she did being a) an older adult and b) being dad's wife of many years. At the time, all she was was SS's girlfriend. BUT, in the backward SM world, she thought she had the right to put me in my place, so to speak. What I probably should have told her was, "take a number and stand in line."

Well, I'm not planning on going to SS's wedding either, and it actually has little to do with his fiance/GF. Overall, I actually think she is a good match for him, a good person even. I just think that that is how much prejudice is out there, that even GFs think they have more going for them in the family than SM. Like you, I'm not going to SS's wedding because I don't need all of the negativity. That is my disengagement, so to speak. From now on I'm planning to go to "family" events if I feel I can at least tolerate it, such as us all going out for a small family dinner or someplace where I'm relatively certain I won't be attacked or villified. Otherwise, hubby can decide if he wants to go for himself. Not much he'll want to attend without me. But, that is his choice. As you say, I do not need or deserve that level of discomfort, anxiety, and downright rudeness.