Stepmothers I need your help. Refuse to share an accommodation with steps
After years of turbulent relationship with my step kids (who are all over 27 years old), things began to cool down. I stood up to them, made it clear that I am not taking any rubbish. Things eventually got better. Although in the main, my husband claimed he understood my position, every now and again, the same old habit of pretending it did not happen occurs. Not as frequently, but it does rear its ugly head.
My Stepson is getting married in a few months time. I have made it clear from the outset that I was not interested in attending any of my steps wedding. I would rather be sipping a large glass of champagne watching Netflixs. However to my surprise, he personally called me and told me he would like me to go. He even invited me to the engagement dinner. I was surprised and as this particular stepson has always made an effort, never given me any trouble, his only crime is that when his other 2 siblings are around, he is not as chatty. I thought I should make an effort and go.
The engagement dinner itself was lovely. His fiancee's family were really nice and we all got on. I was surprised to see that he did not invite his Mother. However I did not question it as they have a touch and go relationship with their Mother. The other 2 siblings were the problem. They barely spoke to their Dad, one refused to have their Dad pick him or take him to the train station. On one occasion, he refused a lift with his Dad and I, however, went in the car with his sister and her husband. They had to squeeze his bike at the back of their car and his head was literally hanging out of the window. There we were in a large 4 wheel drive lots of space and yet he does not want to drive with us. It was clear to me, he was resentful of something and this was so typical of his passive aggressive behavior.
Now what amazes me is that my husband truly believes that this behaviour is normal. He claims that this particular step son wanted to bond and spend time with his siblings that is why he refused to put either his bike or himself in our car. He refuses to see that his little brat was behaving badly towards him. My question is, if they wanted to do some sibling bonding why wait until there is a party of 20, why not visit them one day other the weekend. Also does his bike need to do some bonding too }:) Personally, his behaviour was perfect for me. I did not have to deal with his cold attitude.
However my husband has convinced himself that is the case. I am so pissed off with my husband. This particular step has made it clear he wants little to do with me. He has made his intentions clear, I have understood and it works perfectly well with me. My husband however finds it hard to accept. In August we have a family wedding and my husband's Aunty has offered us (my step children, husband and I) her holiday apartment to stay for weekend as the wedding is in Devon. I have told my husband that I will stay in a hotel. I told him a year ago, that if he insists on being blind and not acknowledging what is happening, I will have to do some self preserving. So I have booked 2 nights at a posh hotel. My daughter and I (not his daughter) would attend the wedding, he can pick me up from the hotel, but I will not stay in the house with his children and made to feel uncomfortable. The only step that does talk to me would be withdrawn and my husband will pretend it is not happening.
I told my husband a year ago, I will not be going anywhere, where it is only him and his kids. If there were other people attending hence some dilution then I will attend. But me and then alone with him and them ... No thank you!
My husband thinks I am over reacting. I made a decision a year ago, never to put myself in a position where I feel vulnerable and uncomfortable. What do you guys think........
No problem with it...We have
No problem with it...We have to protect ourselves from toxic people. But, the SS that is nice to you, I would expand that relationship. That would go a long way with your husband. As for the others no...I only have a relationship with one of my steps. I like him....
I don't think you're
I don't think you're overreacting at all. If your husband wants to turn a blind eye, that's his problem. Too bad, so sad.
JSmom, the step that you
JSmom, the step that you have a relationship with, how does he behave when his siblings are around. I find that the step I have a relationship with, changes significantly. He barely says a word to me. However, when the other 2 are not there, he is responsive, holds a conversations and even suggests that we have a foursome date with his fiancee.
I do want to nurture that ... but all that stops when the other 2 arrives. I am just so fed up with it all. I have got to the stage where I really just enjoy my relationship with my hubby and do not want to deal with anything that is drama or passive drama. I used to really try to do things to get the step kids to like me. That is history. Now I do not go out of my way for them at all. In the past, my husband would convince me to go to their birthdays. However all that has stopped and I have finally found peace in our relationship. Spending time with them in the holiday apartment would be a nightmare. Besides my husband needs to understand that I mean what I say.
My SS17 lives with us and
My SS17 lives with us and SD19 is away at school. BM has her when she is home. We do not allow my SD to see my SS anymore. He can't stand her. Makes it easier. I think you reach out to the one you like and do things with him. They do not have to be a group activity. He sounds like a nice kid, play up that.
Our DHs are delusional for
Our DHs are delusional for self-preservation, I think. That doesn't mean you have to play into his delusions though and I think your plan is perfect. Have a nice time with your daughter. You can go to the wedding with your DH and be pleasant, and then leave. Perfect.
Don't be surprised, though, if your DH blames this on YOU and YOUR inability to get along with his perfectly normal manbabies.
Well played. If DH will not
Well played. If DH will not have your back, only you can protect yourself from the toxic Step Spawn.
It is sad that the one SS who is mature and engaging is cowed by his toxic sibs.
That DH does not see it and assertively smack the crap out of the two toxic spawn for alienating you and their reasonable brother just tells me DH needs to step up, man up and address the behavior of his toxic spawn which are incontrovertible proof of his abject failure as a parent, man, and husband.
IMHO of course.
Take care of yourself.
Catmom4, hotel has been
Catmom4, hotel has been booked. We have not had any drama for a few months now, so I forgot what an idiot my husband could be. He actually believes that he son wanted to have bonding time with his siblings that is why he did not have his bike in our car. He would rather drive for 30 minutes, with his head stuck out of a window.
How this DHs justify their believes. We both sat in the car and watched, as SS struggled to get his bike in his sisters car. We both saw his head sticking out of the car. Yet still he calls this bonding. I had forgotten how deep his denial could be. I am out of the situation. I will be in my hotel watching netflix until the wedding in the afternoon.
StepSide, I personally do not
StepSide, I personally do not give a damn. The days of mine caring about what they think are long gone. It is all about what makes me comfortable and happy. If my husband had my back I may put up with it, for his sake. Simply because he is a good step father to my daughter and they have a really good relationship. But as I always tell him, I will never let my daughter treat him badly. When we started our relationship, my daughter too tried the 'I do not like him simply because I feel threatened'. I refused to accept any rudeness or for her to exert any sort of passive aggression towards him. I constantly kept talking to her about how important this relationship was to me. I even got my family involved so she felt secure. In time, she grow to accept him and they now have a wonderful relationship. It took time, I was honest but loving with her and I made it clear nothing was going to change. That however is not the case with him. He denies it is happening and even tried to blame it on me on two occasions. So as far as I am concerned, I have to look after myself until he changes his attitude. And I repeat him, until he changes his attitude. He cannot change his children, but he can change the way he deals with them.
Even when their particular bad behaviour SS27 calls the house, he never says hello. He always ask to speak to 'John'. When he talks to me about his dad, he always calls him 'John' not dad as normal. I have made it clear to my husband, next time he does not say 'hello' when I answer the phone, I will simply say he is not at home. So if he does not deal with it he will not get his calls. As my husband's mobile does not get any reception in the house, he clearly said something to SS27 as now greets me when he calls.
I will own my decision and enjoy the wedding. Thankfully my husband's family (barr his children) are wonderful. There are a couple of 'Step mum and fathers' who have married into the family, so we have fun comparing notes about our step skids. As we all have the same problem, we all understand how difficult it is. What is funny is we all get on with each other's step kids, however the step kids do not get on with their step parent. A clear pattern!
I have not confirmed with my husband that I have booked the hotel. I will wait until a few days before the wedding. We have a lot going on now, so need for drama or tension. I have told him of my intention whether or not he feels I made a threat, that is up to him. If he brings it up, then I will tell him. Up until then I will wait a few days before the event before telling. I am sure he will understand. After all, he always tells me a day or two before the event if the step kids are coming around or joining us for dinner!
I did think of not going not
I did think of not going not going to the wedding. However, DH's nephew who is getting married, is so nice to myself and my daughter. He has always been welcoming and supportive. So has his parents, they are really nice. She really goes out of her way to make sure that both myself and my daughter were okay when the blending thing was intolerable.
I can honestly say, my 2 stepkids are the only monsters of this family. My late Mother in law was amazing. She told me that she knew I would have trouble with the two step monsters, as they were very close to their mother. In fact all of my DHs siblings have told me that. They all realized that my dh had a terrible marriage, where his ex wife had the power to alienate him from his family, abused him in front of them and he left when the last child was 18 years old. Thankfully DHs kids are not at all close to their cousins. At any family event, DHs kids sit together and alone.
I decided to go to the wedding as why should I let down his nephew who was really nice to me. I am sure if I spoke to my brother in law he may have a solution. However personally I really do not care. I am prepared to tell anyone why I will not play roomie with them ....... I feel uncomfortable and vulnerable ........ Simple.
I will own my decision. If they want to talk good for them. What is for sure, my daughter and I would both have a good time, dancing, eating and talking to people who have welcomed us into their family. SIMPLE.
if a skid wants to make a
if a skid wants to make a connection, then thats fine. if a skid cant be bothered to connect with me, then thats fine too.
most men are indeed delusional about their own children. they only have standards where others are concerned.
I decided to sit my hubby
I decided to sit my hubby down and tell him I will not be staying in the apartment with the step kids.
I waited until he was sat at the dinner table, he went from a bubbly, happy character looking me in the eyes to a quiet, sheepish looking man, who could not even look me in the eyes as we spoke. I did not mention his children, all I said was I was prepared to put myself in an environment where I feel uncomfortable and vulnerable. For that reason I have booked a hotel and would there for the day/evening that his kids around.
He gave it some thought, still looking at his plate, giving me no eye contact. His body language clearly indicated he felt uncomfortable. He then said he would speak to his Aunty and ask that we stay in her annex and his kids in the guest apartment. If it was not possible he would stay in the hotel with me. There was no protest at all!
Wow ....... 3 years ago my hubby and I went for couselling as the same SS27 drove us mad. He both knew we needed help or it would end our relationship. The counselor said something that always sticks with me. That is "no matter how much he protests, he knows what is happening, it is in the depth of his stomach and fear will keep it there until you let him know by your actions it is enough or he decides he wants to address it'
Those words are absolutely true. They will deny, blame it on us, turn a blind eye as long as we allow them to get away with it. I have found that when I have shown him with action that it is enough, he succumbs. I think it hit home that I am no longer prepared to be around his children unless something is done.
Hours later in bed, he turned to me and said "so you have really had enough' and I turned around and said "yes, I survived cancer 3 times, death of close members of my family, go through too much to spend time even for a minute which anyone who makes me feel uncomfortable and vulnerable. Even if my only daughter made me feel that way - I will distance myself from her'. He kissed me and said 'point taken'
However we have to wait until the next drama ...................
StepAside, yes in the main
StepAside, yes in the main DH does listen to me, However I always have to stand strong and make it known that I will not accept it. What he never does is admit his children are wrong. That is a never never! He gets silent and looks on the floor. I used to try to get him to admit it. Now I have turned it around. I have told him unless he stops putting his head in the sand and accept there is a problem in this blending (not mentioning what the problem is) I am not prepared to be in a small group with SS27. The minute those words came out of my mouth, I felt an immediate release and relief. However I constantly have to keep proving to him I mean those words. One day it might just click. If not, we have a very happy marriage void of the resentment.
His son SS27, clearly made an attack on him, by ignoring him throughout the dinner. He refused any lift to or from the station. Him and his bike went in his brother car and you could clearly see his head hanging out of the car. DH and I were right behind them, watching them struggling for 20 minutes trying to get everything in the car and himself. Despite all that, DH thinks that he just wanted to spend time with his brother. Even his bike wanted to spend time with his brother
I know that DH does not believe that. However it is less painful to deny and pretend it did not happen. That is DHs problem's my daughter is fine and has no problems with him. I sleep like a baby at night.