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only step kids are invited not my kids to in laws wedding

lady50's picture

My brother in law daughter is getting married.There are 8 kids in our family. 3 step children and 5 of my own. All of them are adults and out of the house. My step daughter going to be the bride's maid at the wedding. Yesterday the wedding invitation came and which stated that only my husbands children are invited ( my step kids) but not my kids. I called the brother in law ( my husband's brother) and ask him if all of the kids are invited. He stated that only my husband's kids are invited and not mine. I told him that it was not right but that it is there choice to invite who they want to the wedding. I told my husband about it, and said that I could not possibly attend because they are telling us that some of our kids are not good enough to attend seeing as we are a family. By the way when my son got married he invited everyone in the family. Which my husband's family choose not to attend. My husband then proceeded to tell me that he was going and that I should attend too because his dautgher ( my stepdaughter) is standing up. He said we had to go to show her support. I am very hurt about this, I told he he could go but now he says that I need to attend too, and that it is the right thing to do. I told him that he can go but there is no way I would attend to this niece's wedding seeing as only half the family is invited. I am in disbelieve over the fact that my husband blames me for not going and being there for his daughter. What about the rest of the family. Don't my children matter? He made it all about his daughter and standing up for the wedding. He seem to forget that we have seven kids. What does it tell me, I am not going, and if I don't go then my husband says that I am not doing the right thing...what about him doing the right thing? What about all of our kids? He made this all about his daughter and that is all. All his kids are invited but none of mine. I can I even think about going?? Please advice?? So disappointed, instead standing up for our family my husband chooses to go and see his daughter's dress in the wedding and expects me to go along with this Sad

stepinafrica's picture

Ask your kids how they feel about not being invited. It is possible that they don't even care. If they DO care, then I would suggest planning a fun day for you and your kids.

DH should of course, be free to attend the wedding. As for you, send your best wishes to the bride and be done with it. A nice card and a small gift would do. Then you are free!

Disneyfan's picture

Sorry, but I wouldn't invite my siblings ADULT step kids to my wedding either. Honestly, I think it was rude for you to call and question him about the invention.

If you don't want to go, don't go. Your husband sure as heck can't force you to attend.

ybarra357's picture

I would say that it's the bride and groom's choice who they are inviting to their wedding. However it's YOUR choice whether or not to attend if you're invited. If you don't want to go - DON'T go. If your DH doesn't like it - too bad.

ldvilen's picture

Well, another exclusionary wedding. Hate to say it, but what else is new among steps? Weddings are meant to bring families together, but in the case of steps, it is often used to divide them, and there can be very long ranging consequences from this that step-kids, in particular, often do not see. My personal feelings are that your husband can choose to go and you can choose not to go. I wound not give into any pressure from your husband and SD. A wedding invite is just that, an invite. It is not a summons to attend. It is one thing to determine, in order to keep costs down for your wedding, to not invite all second cousins or something like that. But, to invite some children, even if they are adults, and not others, that is quite different.

Your husband will try to get you to attend any way he can. I speak from experience. I told my husband I will not be attending his SS’s wedding after a very enlightening experience, shall we say, at his SD’s wedding. He is actually scared to attend himself; that is the real reason. He wants me there as a buffer or sacrificial lamb. No. Stay firm. He can go. You don’t have to.

hereiam's picture

They are all adults so I guess for me, it just depends on how close this niece is or isn't to your kids. My younger brother got married last year, I doubt it even occurred to him to invite my SD24, they have not seen each other since they were kids and even then, not often. It didn't bother me or my DH one bit, we didn't give it a thought, actually (until just now!).

If it is a formal, sit down dinner reception, this could also make a difference and again, would depend on the relationship.

I really do not understand you having to go to show support for the bride's maid. :? Going because you are DH's wife and were invited, sure, but to support your SD?

If you don't want to go, don't go. Like stated above, an invitation is not a demand to be there.

WalkOnBy's picture

When my daughter got married last year, she invited ASS, BabyVoice and Karate Kid. She never lived with them. DH got custody of them while she was in college.

I didn't ask her to invite them, and quite frankly, I didn't want them there. I knew they were going to act like idiots. But, she loves my husband, and she knew it would upset him if they weren't invited. She was the one telling me it was the right thing to do.

I told DH that I did not want to see one scowl or hear one sigh or one complaint.

DH ended up taking them home after dinner because they were bored.

notasm3's picture

If they basically don't know your adult children I can see them not being invited. Especially if it's one of those $100 a plate receptions. That could be an extra 10 people.

But you do not have to go to this wedding. Again - not a command performance. I would not have called to ask about your children. That was wrong. I do not think you should create WWIII by complaining to one and all about why you are not attending.

Just don't go. Is the SD who is a bridesmaid developmentally delayed? I can't think of any other reason she would require support as an adult to stand up in a wedding.

twoviewpoints's picture

Whether or not your SD is bridesmaid should be a non-factor in your decision to attend or not. This is your BIL's daughter and your DH's niece. Wedding is about bride and groom, not the bridesmaid and bridesmaid's dress. If you have a close relationship with BIL/niece, go. It should have nothing to do about SD and any guess list expectations based solely on you and husband being married.

You've given no details about how long you've been with your husband or what of if relationship exist between the adult children. No indication of 'family' involvement between your children and your husband's niece. How does anyone here say it's stepfamily exclusion when nothing has been given on the dynamics of any of the chosen participants/non-participants of the event?

lady50's picture

We have been married for over 9 years. I don't have a problem my husband going. I have a problem with my husband making this about his daughter and not given any thought to any of the rest of the kids. When I got married we were a family of 8 not just 3 kids. That is what my concern is all about. I told my husband he can go. But I also told him not to make it about his daughter and her standing up for her cousin's wedding. Seeing as she is one of eight kids. He can go and I will stay home. What I have a problem with is, my husband telling me it's OK for only 3 kids to be invited not all of them. When we got married over 9 years ago, in church in front of everyone we became a family. Now my husband says that half of our family counts because my step daughter is standing up in the wedding. He said I have to go with him and support him, and we dont have a marriage if I do not attend with him. What does it say about family, what does it say about all the kids and if they count? I have already told him he has my blessing in going, and I stay home. He says I am doing him and our marriage wrong if I don't go. It seems as I have to choose between our marriage and this wedding. It should have never been an issue in the first place...our family with ALL the kids should matter not just some. Just because someone else decides not to invite our whole family does not mean we should have to agree. I am tired of having to ask to include my kids in anything. My husband never stands up for us and our family. Come Christmas, presents will be handed out to my step kids while my kids sit there watching...is it right? Especially if it is happening in my own home....I guess I finally decided that enough is enough. But now my marriage may be over if I dont go...and I dont feel that is right. I should have a say in this too. I am only asking for fairness. If it would be the other way around I would have made sure to stand on our family and all the children side, not just one. She is already part of the wedding, it should not be about my step daughter, it should be about the whole family.

twoviewpoints's picture

Whoa, back up. What does Christmas and who gets gifts have to do with BIL's daughter's wedding?

Perhaps you need to start is again and tell us more... but do it in a way we can get a better understanding of what all is going on. The wedding bit as originally presented was one thing. Members commented on the invitation deal. But now you've tossed in something entirely different with a Christmas mention.

Could you explain a bit more on the dynamics and examples of husband kids vs your kids in your 'family' setting.

Rags's picture

Oh hayell no!!!! No one goes including your DH. If he goes under current invitiation conditions make sure to rekey the locks while he and his spawn are gone and they can stay gone. Let him know the choice he is making in time enough for him to stew over it for a few days then hold up a a key as he leaves the house. Make sure the Locksmith van in sitting on the curb waiting to go to work as he pulls out of the drive way.

If he wants to play the "you and your kids are not as equal as me and my spawn are" game, then win it and put he and his entire shallow and polluted clan gene pool on the curb.

I like games as much as the next person.... I also win. Period. Particulatly when it comes to the applying consequences to chosen toxic behavior game.

Bring the pain. And enjoy, enjoy, enjoy..... }:) Blum 3 Dirol

IMHO of course.

Rags's picture

Why is it that people seem to be so averse to confronting crappy behavior from their SOs or kids in the home? Yes, you can lock out a co-owner of the property. I have done it. My XW started dating her geriatric fortune 500 executive sugar daddy and I changed the locks. She was pissed but she only got back in our jointly owned marital home when I let her in.

Accountability works and often is a key tactic for helping those with chronic cranio-rectitis to remove their head from their sphyncter.

Ignoring, failing to confront the crappy behavior, or doing the same ineffective thing over and over again solves nothing.

I would rather have a marriage fail from trying to do something rather than doing nothing. Making a change and holding people accountable for their decisions is often a good way to get everyone to engage effectively.

IMHO of course.

notasm3's picture

"She is already part of the wedding, it should not be about my step daughter, it should be about the whole family."

You are both SOOOOOOOOOO wrong. The wedding is about the bride and groom. period.

I think your DH is being an ass if he is ordering you to attend with a threat of divorce. But you are being an ass by trying to force others to pretend like your ADULT children belong to your DH. If he did not adopt them he is NOT their father.

lady50's picture

As I stated before, I thought it was a given when we got married that ALL our kids count as one family. Not just when it's convenient. My problem is not with his part of the family and who they invite. My problem is with my husband and making this about his daughter, and trying to make me feel guilty if I dont attend with him. Telling me that we do not have a marriage if I do not support him. My step daughter has treated me like sh... in the past. Never acknowledge me as her father's wife. And to top this all of he makes this about her, it is not her wedding, it's not her day, she is not the one walking down the aisle. Yet my husband seems to forget that he has a wife and 7 other children. He is forcing me to make a choice.. between right , principle, family values and my step daughter. I am not capable of such thinking and pretending that it is OK by me. He is not my childrens father but STEP father. And we agreed when we got married that all are treated the same. I am wrong to ask to treat ALL of our kids the same way? As I said I dont care if he goes or not, but I care about is having to make a choice between my marriage and this wedding. I feel that is sad Sad

ldvilen's picture

I agree with lady50, “only half the family is invited.” Cleary she sees her and her husband and their 8 children as a family, a package deal. Isn’t that what we all want or aim for? I know a lot of us insist we be treated as our husband’s wife. Wouldn’t it make sense that our children, all children in the family be treated as husband’s family? Or, are we saying just SM needs to be treated as family? Because I know a lot of us complain about how we are treated by our in-laws.

Plus, I don’t get this me-first attitude with brides, anyway. It is getting to the point where I don’t want to attend any wedding nowadays, because most of them wind up being a big show-off, stick-it-to fest more than anything else. If you going to go across the board and not invite all second cousins or something like that, fine. But, it you are going to exclude ½ of a family just because the word “step” is in there somewhere, I think that is exclusionary and just plain wrong. I don’t care if in-laws think they are family or not or how long lady50 and her husband have been together.

ldvilen's picture

Yeah, I think some of this is generational. I heard someone say once, for Baby Boomers and older it is family first. For Gen Xer's and particularly Millennials, it is friends first. Or, I guess you could say for younger generations, it is "Who I am close to is my family."

WTF...REALLY's picture

Did the invitation that came to your home actually say your kids are not invited?

Since all kids are adults, then they would have their invite mailed directly to them. Or in the case of your kids, no invite sent.

Can you please elaborate on the invitation. I am fascinated. If in fact it was stated how you told us, that would be the rudest invite I have ever heard of.

lady50's picture

Invitation stated mine, husband and only names of step kids- not my kids. Even they all have their own place to live. That is why I called and inquired about who is invited and not. Even they all expect one live in the same town, and went to school with the bride. ( my son)

WTF...REALLY's picture

With a Invitation like that, I can see why you called to clarify. To receive an invitation with direct exclusion would be jarring. It's really the rudest invite I have ever heard of.

If they didn't want to invite your kids, then just mail invite to the invited. Not a single invite for all except 5 members of a family. It's mean.

I too would not want to attend.

WTF...REALLY's picture

The rude behavior was had by all. The invite was a rude exclusion, the call was a rude inquiry and nothing good is gonna come from any of this.

And yes, the curious George in me might of called to clarify. The shear meanness of the invite would have me not giving a sh&it about being rude back.

WTF...REALLY's picture

The invitation was rude. An all group invite but the op kids.

And yes, the bride dose not need to invite them, just don't rub it in thier faces.

Disneyfan's picture

Both you and your husband are out of line.

My mom and dad(he's our stepdad, but very few people outside of family know that)have been married for 41 years. My stepbrothers (3) and stepsister are never invited to weddings on my mom's side. My sister and I were never invited to weddings on my dad's side. It never once occured to my sister, mom or I to get upset about that.

Your inlaws are not required to treat your kids the same way they treat your husband's kids. Your kids are not related to them. If your marriage were to end right now, chances are they would never see your kids again. However, husband's kids would still be in their lives.

ybarra357's picture

I do NOT consider my DH's adult spawn as 'our' family. No way in HELL. Same thing for my bios. I was invited to SD 28 wedding a few years back. pfft No thanks.

lady50's picture

Why is it always about blood relations? What do you tell a adopted foster child. "well you are not blood relations so you will be not treated the same way?" I think it is sad that it has come to this. When we got married I made it very CLEAR that ALL the children should be treated the same way, why should it make a diff if you are blood related or not. And again, people can invite who they want to....the concern I have is ...that my husband and I should be on the same page....I dont care if they are step kids or not, step cousins or not.....WE are ONE family ...and that is the button line!! We are all in this forum because of treatment that we do not agree with. Because of blended family status...and what is right and wrong... we are all in this forum because we also want to have a voice, and be treated as family. In the end it does not matter if we are blood relation or not. In the end it should not matter what others think and what choices they make in invitations to a wedding. What should matter is that a husband and wife should agree to be a family with ALL the kids...not just when it is convenient. I am not asking to be treated diff. I am just asking of my husband to see us as a whole family. He is the one that has always been preaching that our kids should be always be treated equal. Well, this time they are not. And he seems to "agree" with this, and end's up blaming me for not wanting to "support"his daughter at a wedding, that is not even hers!! Is that what a blended marriage is suppose to be all about...? It truly breaks my heart that I even have to have this argument with my husband. Sad All I ever ask for was a husband that stands by us, by our family not what others think or who they invite....I need someone with a back bone that stand up for OUR family not saying it's ok for his brother to treat tell us that not ALL of our kids count just some.

WTF...REALLY's picture

Your husband is being a hypocrite. He wants you to "support" your step daughter but he does not "support" his step kids.

You guys are gonna fight about this for a long time I bet.

WTF...REALLY's picture

I do agree you can't DEMAND people treat your kids a certain way. Not going to happen.

ldvilen's picture

Echo, people go after their DH's like this all the time on these pages. But, maybe they all have control issues?

lady50's picture

I already stated that he can go and attend. I gave him my blessing. He is the one that is putting a condition on this. I am not responsible for his brothers decisions. I also believe that I should not be held responsible for his decision to go, and that our marriage should not be affected by this. I didnt not make those rules. I only do not agree with it, I should not be held responsible for a decision I did not make. I already gave him my blessing to go. But I am also not responsible for a 25 year old step daughter that has a boyfriend to cheer her on as she walks down the aisle as a bridesmaids. How does that make controlling? How does me wanting a family not just a family of convenience make me having a control issue? I just just asking to treating fair that is all.

twoviewpoints's picture

Answer me this. If the SD was not bridesmaid and the invitation that arrived at your home only said Mr. and Mrs. ______ on it (omitting any mention of any children regardless of who they belong to) would you be attending with your husband ?

Now answer if SD was bridesmaid, your invitation named and only Mr. and Mrs. _______ and any other individual invitations had been mailed to individual homes (yes, still omitting your own children from guest list), would you be attending with you husband?

ldvilen's picture

Unfortunately, it is always about blood because that is the way some people make it. It certainly doesn't have to be. Again, some of this may be generational. I think younger people do define family more as: "Who I am close to is my family." Thus, I do think it is easier for them to invite a couple of long ago friends from high school to a wedding, but not invite their Great-Aunt Judy, whom they have only seen once or twice. They may even get upset when mom insists that they invite the Great-Aunt, because she'll have to drag her respirator along or something like that. I also think maturity comes into play. Most people getting married are still in their 20's.

This reminds me of a story I heard once. A small boy saw his dad carrying a large basket around and asked him what the basket was for. The dad replied, "I'm going to get grandpa and put him in this basket and throw him in the river. He has outlived his usefulness." The boy thought a while and then said, "Okay, I guess, BUT make sure you hang on to the basket! After all, I am going to need it for you some day." I guess the moral of the story is, what goes around, comes around.

Shaman29's picture

Let me get this straight. All of the kids are adults. Are they all living outside of your home? Or do your kids live on their own and your three skids live with you?

If your three skids live with you, then invitation was address in a proper fashion.

If your skids live on their own, they should have received their own invitation and I would agree the invitation was rude.

Despite those particular details, you were completely out of line calling your BIL to inquire about the invitation. Clearly it was meant for your H, you and the skids only. It doesn't matter how insulted you are by the exclusion, you have no business dictating who your H's niece should invite to her wedding. Especially if your kids and the step-cousins are not close.

And excuse me.......what freaking man makes this big of a deal about seeing his (adult??) daughter wear a bridesmaid dress and supporting her role as bridesmaid in a wedding? Zero?? Maybe less than zero?? I have a distinct feeling this is your view of how he sees it and is not the reality.

Your marriage will be over if you don't attend? Seems to me there is a lot more going here (christmas presents being opened in front of your kids??), if that is the stance your H is making at this point. Attend or divorce?? Really?

Bottom line, based on your post and comments, you're being childish and making mountains out of molehills. Or this was just the final straw for you in a long line of in-law snubs over the last nine years.

Regardless, this wedding is probably the least of your problems. You should be focusing on the real issues surrounding your marriage, rather than focus on something so idiotic as who was invited to a wedding for extended family.

lady50's picture

I did not call to complain the bride or groom. I thought that perhaps they made a mistake and called the in law about this. It was strange to me they addressed only 3 kids and not all of the 8 kids. Which non of them live at home. I believe anyone would have done the same. Again, it is not about who got invited. It is about my husband telling me to attend to support his 25 year old daughter standing up at the wedding. She has a boyfriend, and that is HIS job not my husband's or mine! Again they are all adult kids. And I should not have to risk my marriage for this. It is ridiculous for my husband to even ask me to make this choice!!

lady50's picture

I did not call to complain the bride or groom. I thought that perhaps they made a mistake and called the in law about this. It was strange to me they addressed only 3 kids and not all of the 8 kids. Which non of them live at home. I believe anyone would have done the same. Again, it is not about who got invited. It is about my husband telling me to attend to support his 25 year old daughter standing up at the wedding. She has a boyfriend, and that is HIS job not my husband's or mine! Again they are all adult kids. And I should not have to risk my marriage for this. It is ridiculous for my husband to even ask me to make this choice!!

Shaman29's picture

Question.

Next Halloween, do you want to dress up as the pot or the kettle??

You started off screeching unfair regarding the invitation to the wedding. Unfair to your kids. You demand you ALL be looked at as one family. You even went so far as to CALL and complain to your BIL (Emily Post is still spinning in her grave over that breach of etiquette on your part). The only thing your step-niece and her fiance did wrong was not send out the skid invitations to their own places of residence. No one owes you, or anyone else and explanation regarding the guest list.

However, when your H asks you to attend the wedding to be there to support his daughter, you tell him to pound sand.

Where are your "We Are Family" values now?? Or do they only count when it comes to your kids?? Don't bother to answer, judging from what you said your H told you (attend or the marriage is over), I have a feeling you have spent the last nine years playing tit for tat when it comes to kids and skids.

You're talking about adults here, not little kids. I have a feeling you care WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYY more about this than your kids actually do.

I'm going to say it again, you have bigger issues in your marriage. Way more than the exclusion of your bios to a wedding for people I seriously doubt your bios ever think about in any way. The issues are so bad, your H is insisting you join him. Do you really believe he wants you there because of your SD?

hereiam's picture

Why is it always about blood relations?

It is not always about blood relations. Again, what is the emotional relationship between your BIL's daughter and your adult kids? Just because you are married to this woman's uncle, doesn't mean she considers your kids her to be her cousins.

I guarantee you that my SD24 does not consider ANY of my family to be her family and DH and I have been together since she was 5. Over the years, my family has bought her birthday and Christmas gifts and made her feel welcome but the fact is, they don't feel like family to her. No big deal to me or to them, the emotional connection is just not there.

The invitation thing was weird, if none of the kids live with you, but they were not out of line just because they didn't invite your adult kids.

WTF...REALLY's picture

Question in regards to the invite. Is it ok for the OP to send a Christmas party invite to the BIL home and put some other family's name on it not living with him and exclude others? Like...your invited, your wife is invited, one one of your two adult kids are invited and you mom. So the dad and the other kid is not invited.

Would this not be considered very rude and hurtful?

hereiam's picture

Again, it is not about who got invited. It is about my husband telling me to attend to support his 25 year old daughter standing up at the wedding.

The title of your post implies that it IS about who did and didn't get invited and the reason you don't want to go is because your kids were not invited. Your DH threw the thing in about supporting his daughter AFTER you said you weren't going because your kids were not invited.

ctnmom's picture

Sorry ladies , but in this situation as she explained it in her post, I agree with Rags. My kids are 26,23 and 16, the older two launched when they were 17 and are wildly successful, 16yo is heading that way, I really have no reason to be over protective. But you don't invite my kids, then invite my husbands kids? I won't change the locks but I'm not f**king going either. And I might have called myself to make sure that was the case, because the exclusion was beyond rude.

notasm3's picture

"Clearly she sees her and her husband and their 8 children as a family, a package deal. Isn’t that what we all want or aim for? "

HELL TO THE NO!!!!!!!

How many people really want to include random adult skids in their "family"? OP wants to see them all as one united family. Her DH obviously does not. I think his view is more common. He's still an ass for trying to dictate what she does.

I think it's hard enough (but not impossible) to include skids in your family when you actual participate in raising them from young children. Grown ass adults - well no. I might happen. But it does not happen automatically.

enuf's picture

I think lady50 may be more upset because she voiced her concerns and opinions to her dh and he poo-pooed her. Moreover, she mentions that her marriage may be over if she is not supportive of her dh because he will be upset if she does not attend. His dd is only standing in the wedding and not the bride, at least that is the way I understood it. I think the issue is a matter of principle for Lady50.

My advice is to be direct with your dh and put the ball in his court. Tell him these are my feelings. They are not his and that you are not asking him to own your feelings or even to agree with them. Also, let him know that you are surprised by dh, as you are expressing an opinion about something you feel strongly about, and all of a sudden you are not being a "good wife" if you do not attend. That you love him and your decision is based on principle and it is not about you rejecting him. You have considered all the issues and you still feel strongly about not attending. If you have a change of heart you will let him know.

If he chooses this difference of opinion to be the hill that your marriage dies on, then he has spoken volumes of his priorities. In that case, do not want to be with a man that would breakup a marriage because his dd wants him to be supportive of her and he is insisting that you also be supportive of her. My goodness she is an a adult not a 5 year old. It is not like she graduated from college or is getting married herself. She will probably speak to you and him for 5 minutes and then party when after the wedding vows are said. Your dh is an adult and he can decide whether to go or not, but you should not pressured or bullied to be supportive of something that you feel is not just.

My dh, we weren't even married at the time, used to yell and get very angry if I did not attend his Christmas visit with him to his friends house who had children the age of mine. My birthday is on Christmas and at the time my sons were living with me. He expected me to glorify these other kids while they entertained the guests and leaving my kids behind.

One time I pleaded with him not to be so upset, that I wanted to spend my birthday with my children. His answer "just because it is your birthday does not make it your holiday!" I still refused to go with him and he stomped out the door angry as heck. My dh was an officer in one of the service branches, he served two tours in a war and yet he hates going to visit persons he has known for over 50 years by himself. Once he got back, he forgot why he was so upset.

My guess is that my dh did not feel comfortable going alone, and was trying to bully me into it. I think that maybe your dh does not feel comfortable going by himself and that is why he is upset. Once he gets there, he will be fine as it sounds that he knows persons that will be in attendance, including his children. Let him huff and puff, he probably just nervous about doing it alone. Say what you have to say once, do not keep trying to justify it or try to have him see your point. Just let him make his own decision on his own time. Once you have said what you have said step away. Comes the day of the wedding leave the house and tell you him have made other plans, leave early before he even realizes you will not be there in time to leave for the wedding.

Best of luck.

notarelative's picture

Do your kids even care that they are not invited?
Mine would be jumping for joy. A wedding (that would be an obligation if they had an invitation) and they don't have to go. Mine would be thrilled.

Unless my kids were close to the bride or groom I wouldn't expect my kids to be invited.

oneoffour's picture

Coming in a bit late in the game...
However I can understand why you feel hurt. Your DH has agreed that you are a complete family - all 10 of you - but when it comes down to it, he decides what is and isn't considered 'family'.

But... this is not a hill to die on. Nor do you have to go Just ask him if your family chose not to include his adult children to guests at a wedding, how would he feel? If he says it would be a rude thing to do, he is being a hypocrite. But if he says he wouldn't care, you have your answer.

He is making a fuss about his daughter getting all gussied up and spanxed into a strapless dress because he thinks this will make you feel more like going. Just tell him that this is his family and as his wife you don't want to appear rude and will attend. It is not to see his daughter in a dress but to witness a marital union that you hope lasts for 60 years. Then grab the registry list as fast as you can and select anything for the bathroom or kitchen. Because you KNOW the gift thing will be left to you, don't you? And nothing says how you really feel like "Don't know you very well but have fun with these silicone spatulas and knife set. Oh and the shower curtain." We gave my niece who had been living with her husband for 2 years but still had the full 3 ring circus wedding the 2 coolers that were on her registry. Yup on sale at Target that week.

Attend the wedding as a guest, enjoy the free food and play nice. And ease off with the expectations of others. If his family do not give your family gifts, the same rule applies. They can swap gifts out the kazoo but the list will be limited. I actually think you should cut out all gifts to his side of the family and let them know you bought a herd of goats through heifer.org for a 3rd world village under their names. Christmas is such a farce these days with the gimme-itis.

I really doubt your kids will mind. But the exclusion (once again) has brought out the momma bear in you. Lady59, they are grown and out of the house. Personally I would let the inviter know that you and DH would be attending however these are the addresses for your stepchildren as you are not privy to their social calendar and they may want to re-direct the invite. Did you notice the invite was for Skid and not Skids plus one?

oneoffour's picture

OP posted that when they married they agreed would all be treated the same. One can assume (which may be wrong of me) that treating all the kids the same would mean they are a family unit. OP thinks this applies to everyone in their extended family and maybe DH doesn't. He may think it applies to their immediate blended family only.

ldvilen's picture

I think a lot of people who posted here Sunday were. lady50 was a new poster, and there were multiple people here who went on a mega-posting frenzy and had the callousness to bring up a discussion about Trump. Now, that is a lack of etiquette. Not giving the best impression. And, I doubt she'll come back. If the majority of comments on any of these discussion are going to be the usual suspects just promoting their egos over and over through multiple posts, then I don't think any of us are going to be hanging out here much longer. Unfortunately, lady50s was the only discussion topic available for hours for whatever reason, and I think a lot of people got carried away and had nothing better to do than take out their own piss and vinegar here. And, I don't even care if anyone wants to include me in that group or not.

20YearsAsAStep-Mom's picture

I think the invite was rude by inviting 3 Skids who do not live at the residence - they are adults with their own address. Maybe they were trying to save on postage costs lol.

I understand why you would be upset that your kids were not invited but that is the bride and groom's call. Perhaps they just do not feel all that close to your adult kids.

Sounds like there are underlying issues at play here and exclusion of your kids has been going on for years at other family functions. This is the final straw so to speak and you are upset.

Unfortunately you cannot change this or control others actions. Of course your DH wants you to go to the wedding with him....but he is trying to bully you into it instead of talking it out calmly and with some sensitivity to your hurt feelings.

Once the anger and hurt wears off perhaps try to sit DH down and talk it out - but I think you should go and have a good time anyway!

Good luck.

zerostepdrama's picture

Late to the game... and sorry if these have already been asked/answered but a couple of questions:

Were all the kids (his and yours) adults when you and your DH got married?

Do all of the kids feel like they are a big family? Do they feel like siblings? Do your 5 feel just as close to their step siblings as they do to their own bio sibling who they grew up with their entire life?

If all the kids were adults or close to it, when marrying at that stage, shouldn't the emphasis of family be on you and your DH and not on the both of you and all the kids? I would think that the kids are probably old enough that they are starting their own families and are less concerned with this family and maybe more concerned with their SOs and children.

Not sure why you and DH would need to support SD for being a bridesmaid. So your DH is kind of off in my opinion. Like hello she is standing up in a wedding. What does she want a cookie and a medal?

I'm guessing a lot of this frustration is coming from you trying to make everyone a family and feel like a family and your kids being left out in certain situations.

However later in life marriages with older kids, its harder to do that. Just because their is a marriage license that does not make you guys a family. Families feel like families and want to be a family. You can not force that on to other people to feel that same way.

My skids are all a lot older then my bio. It was easier (A LOT!) for my BS to accept DH as a parental figure and as family then it has been for the skids to do the same with me. They are already older and have their own mind set of who is their family and what a family means to them.

zerostepdrama's picture

Oh and one more thing just because you and DH agreed to be a family and include all the kids as such, it doesnt mean DH's family has to follow that.

Okay and another thing to add... I have a sister that I grew up with and we are 3 1/2 years apart, she's older. Same mom and dad.

When I was freshman in college by dad and SM adopted a girl as a baby. They also have always lived 3-6 hours away from me since they adopted my adopted sister. So she never felt like a sister to me.

When I got married, AS (Adopted sister) was mad that she wasn't in my wedding because my bio sister was my maid of honor and my niece (Bio sister's daughter) was my bridesmaid. AS felt that because she was technically my sister that I should have had her in my wedding as well.

I wasn't trying to exclude anyone but I dont have that sister bond with her. If I was going to have more people in my wedding party, sorry but their is a line of about 15 other people that I would have chose before her. We just dont have any kind of relationship.

1StepForward2's picture

Lady50

I think this is one of those situations that will never change. I remember about 20 years ago I went to one of my cousins weddings I noticed two of my cousins (step children to my uncle) were not there. I asked my aunt, where are they? She said “they weren't invited.” I was shocked and really couldn't wrap my head around why they weren't there. We all grew up together from around 10 years old. They were cousins to me.

My aunt went to the wedding tho and I'm sure it hurt like hell that her kids weren't but she handled it with grace.

I think that's all you can do. Go to the wedding. Enjoy yourself with your DH. When people ask where your kids are tell them as nice as my aunt did that they weren't invited.

Some things in life are not fair and this is one of them but it is not a hill I would want to die on.

lady50's picture

Thank you for all the advice I received. I wrote my thoughts down and how I feel. There is a reason why forums such as this exist, we all have step kids, and many times the treatment is not right on either side. All of my husband's family have known my children for over 13 years. We have been married around 9. If my husband would have said, I like you to be there to watch the bride and groom exchange wedding vows, and how bad he feels that his family is treating part of the family like they dont exist. But all he is concerned about is his daughter, and watching her go down the aisle??? That is a little too strange for me, he didnt care about any of the other children, only her. And she is not even getting married! For his family to treat our children that way is one thing, but for him that is a whole new issue for me.
I will have to let some time pass and make my decision, one that I can live with. I am not good in pretending that it's all good when it's not. I am thinking let him go and explain why half of his family is not attending, especially his wife.
Thanks again for all the advice and some of you had kind words.

notasm3's picture

I understand totally what you are saying. You and your DH have no control over the wedding party. But your DH is not acknowledging your feelings. And is basically telling you that you must do as he demands or you have no marriage. That is just WRONG!

stepmomfromhell's picture

Why do you insist that your kids be invited to the wedding?

Your BIL sees your kids as NOT FAMILY and so they aren't invited, and you are having a fit over this, this is not a hill to die on! Would you pitch a fit if this was a baby shower or a graduation and other family didn't want your kids their? This might be out of your DH's control and to get him to change his mind could only cause trouble... I would back off, or it could get back to the rest of his family, and any invite that comes through the internet or post will not include you.

Are you going to continue to whine about this until your in laws don't want to see your face again?... As I said before this is not a hill to die on... Play nice and you and your kids might be invited to future in law events in the future.

In the meantime, why not plan a special event for "just you and your kids without his kids?".... Maybe take sometime off work and go somewhere to make up for your children's hurt feelings.

There are 2 sides to every story and we are only hearing yours. There are clearly reasons why she excluded your children.

She is the bride, He is the Groom. It is there day. You need to step back and respect that. Don't cause drama.

OF COURSE her father (your bil) should. The father-daughter relationship is the most important relationship in a girl's/woman's life on her wedding day. Calm down, step off and leave it alone. You seem to articulate why the extended stepfamily relationships are often strained.

Dh should go, You should go, explain it to your kids. Leave it at that and step off, and if anyone asks why your kids aren't there explain with grace and be a star, that will make you Dh happy.... Remember that your Dh's family doesn't think you kids are family... Sad story but that's the way it is, and maybe they are saving you from drama, maybe the step niece invited dh's ex. Would you and your kids enjoy being at the wedding then? Just a thought.

dadsnewwife's picture

I, too, am late to this, but read OP's reply about how when you marry later in life, you do NOT instantly become one big family...instead members are part of various families. Dh and I have been married 4 years and we will NEVER be one big happy family. He hs 3 grown sons (all with mental & addiction issues) and I have 4 daughters who are normal people with jobs. My DD30 got married last year and although her 2 stepsiblings from her father were at her wedding, dh's sons weren't (thank God). They are an embarrassment. Glad our "family" picture only included dh, me and my daughters, although I only have the picture at the wedding which also included my siblings and their spouses as dh would hate to see a "family" picture which didn't include his sons. Personally, I LOVE it and wish his kids didn't exist. I have that picture on my desk at work. Smile

So, I would probably go the wedding and just consider it dh's side of the family. My daughters would think it strange to be invited to any wedding on my dh's side of the family anyway. As DD28 said once, "They are your dh's family...NOT ours." Point taken.

lady50's picture

so I'm thinking of going to the wedding only because my husband asked me to join him...it doesn't seem to bother him that only half of our family is not invited.....the funny part is my step kids that did get invited choose not to attend.... however I do feel guilty of going because only half the family got invited I'm in a dilemma I don't know should I go or shouldn't I???? input is appreciayed thank you in advance!!!