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My husband talks mean to my children

CarrieB40's picture

Hi,

 I have 2 daughters ages 23 and 18 from my first marriage. I have been with my current husband for 15 years and we have an 18 month old daughter together.

My husband has 3 grown children, only the youngest lived with us but is now in his own. His 2 oldest daughters have not adjusted well to our relationship. Did not attend our wedding and basically have tried to exclude me from as much as possible over the years.

I truly felt once I had our daughter together it would bring the family  closer but I was so wrong.

It seemed as though things were improving but then they didn't attend the baby shower for their sister. That struck me hard. To top it all off they claimed they were never invited. My best friend put the shower on for me and so I know she invited them and I got confirmation of their invite from my husband's sister. They still deny that lie.

Things came to a final boiling point when my husband paid for a trip for my 2 oldest girls and his girls to go and see a concert together. We paid for flights, hotel, shopping etc. Once home , my kids said that most of What they heard was how awful their Dad was to their mom, that he was a bad father and on and on. This is not the first time this has happened and I really had hoped their would be no bashing and they could just enjoy themselves.

I called them both out on this, they yelled and called me names in front of the baby and left. That was over a year ago.

Since then, my marriage has slowly been falling apart. My husband was very upset with his kids (first time ever). They have been spiteful and so mean. He's been left out of his granddaughters life and treated like a dog.

I feel responsible. I invited them to his birthday party and they showed up. A very rare occurrence. 

My hubby is resentful towards me and my kids since all this happened. He tells my kids and me that we have no respect , don't care about him and last night grabbed my oldest daughters arm and told her to F*** off. 

I feel it's the end of the road for us as I cannot accept this treatment towards my kids for NO reason.

Is he taking the frustration he had with his kids out on us?!

 

Help.

ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

It probably is the frustration, building up, and now being taken out on you guys. However, regardless of reason, this kind of behavior is ABSOLUTELY NOT okay. You don't deserve this, your kids don't deserve this.

If he's open to couseling I think you try that. But if not, I think you need to look at a way to protect yourself and the kids.

It doesn't sound like your kids are malicious to him at all.. (from this narrow snippet)

justmakingthebest's picture

The fact that he put his hands on your daughter and cussed her would have me out the door so fast his head would spin. I would have an RO protecting my kids (even your joint) and myself from him. Don't play games with him. He crossed a line.

His issues are with his kids not yours. He needs counseling for his emotional baggage.

STaround's picture

Totally unacceptable. Either leave or tell him never again.   

A lot of issues.  Your kids need to stop tattling.  And this, their marriage was dead? Sunds like you were dating a married man, o course his kids resent the situation.  They might not have known marriage was dead.  They may have viewed seperation as transitional time, and he did not give them time to transition. 

susanm's picture

They may have viewed the 2 year separation as "transition time" but she did not even meet him until the end of that 2 years.  And OP said they have been married for 15 years.  So unless they got married instantly it has been at least 18 years since the breakup of the marriage.  Time for the first marriage kids to get the hell OVER IT.

STaround's picture

If he was not divorced yet, they may always regard her as the other woman.  Different people may have different views on that.  He may even think that.  

CarrieB40's picture

I did say we met 2 years after their separation. The divorce was final a couple months later and we officially started dating not long after.

Curious Georgetta's picture

to carry tales about the adult  kids of the man who paid for their trip. Surely, they did not expect your husband to appreciate the tale bearing.

I would assume that perhaps your adult child was adding to the drama when your.husband had his inappropriate incident.

There is never an excuse or acceptable explanation for grabbing, or laying hands on another person in ange

If this is a first time ever occurrence, your husband should apologize and reassure your daughter that this will never again happen. If it is a recurring behavior , your husband needs help .  If he has a tendency to have violent outburst ,then you need to consider and reflect on why you stay.

In any case your daughter should stop her tale bearing.

CarrieB40's picture

I don't see it as being ungrateful. I think it was confusion as to why they continue to bash their father to them. We are pretty open about everything and they talk to me about most things, this being no different. 

STaround's picture

Being open does not excuse being rude.   They are old enough to know better.  He may regard them as critizing his kids or his parenting.  It was wrong, tell them to knock it off. It seems to me that they are trying to drive his kids out, and he wont tolerate it.  Not that how he hanled it was right, but you need to tell them they need to stop tattling and they will not drive his kids out. 

CarrieB40's picture

Oh no. There have been many instances my husband has been treated horribly by his kids.  What is rude is the fact that this bashing continues. They have never been treated badly by any of us. We've only wanted acceptance. 

His outburst with my daughter had nothing to do with this subject. He was drinking and talking down on us. She was trying to calm him down. 

The entire thing has gotten out of hand. Obviously counselling is needed once again. It's a sad state of affairs for everyone involved.

STaround's picture

YOUR kids have NO right to criticize his parenting.  Tell them to knock it off.  Telling a parent his kids are rude is not going to calm anyone down.   You said they did not understand.  You need to tell them not their business. 

Again, he has no right to grab them.  

CarrieB40's picture

My kids have NEVER  criticized his parenting nor have they ever told him His own kids are rude. His own children have told my kids he wasn't a good dad and hurt their mom and on and on. My kids are confused as to why my husbands adult kids keep telling them this stuff. 

The altercation between my oldest and my hubby had nothing to do with this subject.

Curious Georgetta's picture

his willingness to treat family members badly and if he responded to his first family in the same fashion, maybe it was not so much bashing as just remembering.

Want2's picture

Wow this has been going on for a very long time. I glanced at your earlier posts and see you have repeatedly asked for advice that apparently you didn’t take. I get it. I did the same with friends and family during my 22 years of marriage to an abuser.

There have been a lot of unhealthy dynamics at play and the common denominator seems to be your acceptance of less than. Even now you say you feel responsible. There’s a grain of truth in that but NOT your responsibility for your husband’s or his daughters’ behavior which you seem to think.

No, you are responsible for knowing the best thing to do with the SDs is to disengage but not truly doing it. For seeing that your DH doesn’t respect you and yours but not enforcing a standard. For allowing wishful thinking to guide you.

CG was right when she said you need to figure out why you stay. I think you know you shouldn’t and I understand how hard it is to leave but the crux of it is WHY. If you do go to counseling I hope you start right there instead of trying to sort out why others behave the way they do. It doesn’t matter. You are responsible for you.