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So tired of dealing with SKID issues ... now its SS21

momof5_1969's picture

I posted a couple days ago about having to take younger SS18 to ER (he went by ambulance) and my DH, myself and SD17 were at the hospital while they ran tests. Well, SD17 texted her sister (SD22) that he was there, and then she was going to post it on FB -- so before SD17 posted it on FB i told her to let me text SS21 so he didn't hear about it on FB. So i texted SS21 about the incident at the ER, and SS21 called me while we were still at the hospital and i told him everything we knew. SS21 is at college which is almost 2 hours away, and he was wondering if he should drive down or not -- told him no because we were getting ready to be discharged.

So here it is, today, two days later, and i get a text message from SS21 this am -- he sent it last night at a little after midnight -- saying he would appreciate it if I would let him know next time when SS18 is sick or in the hospital, that he would rather hear it from me than on facebook. I was flabbergasted! The tone of his text was accusing like I was leaving him out. i even told him on the phone while we were at the hospital that if anything changed or if he got worse that I'd let him know.

So i texted SS21 back and basically said what the heck! Told him that SS18 had not been back in the hospital and had not gotten worse, and things were still the same and asked him what was going on. He said that he had heard that SS18 had gotten worse. I asked him where he had heard this from. i asked him if he had heard this from SD22 (which i think he did hear that from her, but won't admit it). He says facebook. I don't believe him, but whatever. i don't need this crap!

I'm getting it from SS21, SD17 (she's been pouting and ignoring me all weekend, which is fine, she can stay in her room so i don't have to see her crabby pissy face all weekend), getting it from SD22, and from SD22's boyfriend! i've had it with these skids and the people that go along with them!

So i told DH tonight what SS21 said, and his shoulders just slumped forward. he looked at me and said "what are wrong with my kids?" The reality of his kids is really sinking in -- i feel bad for him, but am also very glad that he is seeing the light of how they have been treating me for years now.

it just seems to never end with this drama -- one thing after another. Does anyone else ever feel that way. i feel like they only like me is when I'm buying them stuff, and they remember only the moment and not anything that i've done for them in the past -- all the things i've done for them in the past or the ways i've showed them I love them in the past. I feel like i have to start fresh every single day and every single moment with them. i feel like they are vacuums and they are sucking the life out of me.

For example, SD17's birthday -- i did more for her than i even did for my own daughter for her birthday. Got her flowers, balloons, a cake, a beautiful scarf, got her her ear pierced where she wanted it, took her to Red Robin with her friend and my daughter for milkshakes and appetizers, she got to go out to dinner again with her Dad and brother. And now she has been locked up in her room, shunning me for a couple of days now, all because of choices SHE made -- like she's punishing me! Forgets all the things that i gave her for Christmas. All the nice texts that i send her to let her know i'm thinking of her. The decorations I put up for her birthday. Coming to get her at the drop of a hat when she wants it. blah blah blah. Forgets all this crap ---- says all we ever do is yell at her. i honestly can't remember the last time we yelled at her.

She locked herself in her room and refused to unlock the door, so yes we did yell when she wouldn't open it. Then she opens the door and she is already yelling at us before we can even try to talk to her. She thinks that she is in trouble because we are mad at SD22 and we are taking it out on her -- think again little twit! okay, i've vented enough.....thanks for listening Smile

momof5_1969's picture

Yes it is like quicksand....most definitely!

Jsmom's picture

You have to stop being so involved with the ones that are awful to you and focus on the one who is nice. Completely stop spending money on anyone that gives attitude.

Delilah's picture

Then I ask you - why the hell are you making such an effort with your skids given they chuck it back in your face and disrespect you? :?

Ok, your ss needed you and it was an emergency so I am not talking about that BUT I AM talking about throwing a party, making a fuss of them, putting effort and thought into things, ringing your ss...STOP. I would tell them all while they are together and DH is with you, that seeing as they continually disrespect you, your effort and thought, that whatever you do you are wrong (case in point the fact you thoughtfully rung your ss21 to inform him of your younger ss's situation before he heard it elsewhere for him to only look for a reason to bitch at you the next couple of days - bloody rude brat), that you refuse to put yourself in that situation anymore and as you cant win there is no point in making an effort. That way they cant look for reasons to pin the blame on you, when there is no need of it. Consequence of their attitude and something they need to learn as adults, that happens when you treat people you should respect so nastily. Then take yourself out of the equation.

So next time something happens, not your responsibility to inform the others about it. Up to DH and his grown children to communicate with one another. Block them on your facebook, so you dont have to witness their shitty behaviour and allow them the opportunity to passive aggressive (which they will be if that is the only opportunity to be that way with you). Let DH arrangement sd's next birthday and put that time, energy and money in YOUR own bio kids birthdays - after all why the hell should they get less than your skids - more so given your skids dont even deserve that effort! Its not like they really appreciate it or you - if they did they wouldnt continue to throw it back in your face and by continuing to make effort when they treat you in this way is actually sending them the message that their behaviour is acceptable, and all it does is make you try harder!

They need a lift? Not your problem. They need money? Not your problem. They need to be told x? Not your problem, ask your father.

Oh and like hell would my skid decide to lock me out of one of the rooms I own, even if at that time they are inhabiting it, tough. Dismantle the lock, take it off the damn door and if its attached as part of the mechanism then replace the entire door. That way, your sd cant lock it and the adults out. IMO all children shouldnt have locks on their doors. If they insist they *need* one or they are *entitled to privacy* then I suggest they move out into their own home, until then your home, your rules. Besides who is paying the bills? Them? I think not and they need a reminder of who is in charge and what they cant get away with - this would send sd a message and like hell would I let the little brat get away with it (she probably sulking because her brother is getting attention - like hes enjoying being ill) }:)

P.S. Next time the brats decide to pull attitude on you, you can legitimately say "I have no idea why you are sulking towards me. I had nothing to do with that, so quit the attitude or leave me alone..." Then I would TELL DH he either does something or I would be changing the house numbers so his brats cant ring and you dont have to listen to them anymore (in fact lets hope they do it again so you have a reason to do this - ha they will have something to whine about then!)

momof5_1969's picture

Delilah.....wow! That was an amazing response and just the kick in the pants that i needed --- i was shaking my head yes yes yes the whole time I was reading -- if I could have shouted amen I would have! You are so right! SD17 hasn't spoken to me for almost 3 days....and you know what -- why do I care?!! i mean really? Good ridence!!

You are soooooo right! My counselor told me to not buy oldest SD22 anymore presents -- i bought her some really nice things for the baby, presents for the baby shower (that i wasn't invited to), Christmas presents, money for Christmas, etc. WHY WHY WHY???? Why am I a glutton for punishment? I guess i keep thinking in a sick sort of way if I do this or do that, or do more, or do more, or do more, then they will love me and treat me with respect -- then pass it on to the others and it will stop.

Six years i've been doing this -- it's not getting any better. it's not changed. i guess i just don't want to give them any fuel for their fire, and me the ever optimist think that if i continue to be nice that it will eventually pay off. Sigh.

on a good note, last night after i told my DH what his son did (SD21) did, he said "what is wrong with my kids?" He just looked so defeated ..... he's so tired of his kids treating me like crap and he truly felt horrible that they treat me so poorly. I actually am kinda glad he is having the reality slap in the face about his kids, and hope it continues. i've been trying to tell him this for so long. So for him to acknowledge it was affirming.

i'm so thankful for this site -- don't know what i'd do without it! Thanks all for your responses -- they help! oh, and haven't heard back from SS21 since the little episode -- not even an apology --- usually he apologizes, so this surprises me. i'm sure that SD22 got him all worked up. oh well. Such is life!

sandye21's picture

Once I saw a movie about a SD and Stepmother. The teen SD was rebellious, hanging around with the wrong people so BM sent her to stay with DH and SM. DH totally supported SM, while through sweet, nurturing perseverance, SM won over SD and all lived happily ever after. I suppose the SMs who watched this tale thought to themselves, 'If I just continue to give, give, give, ignore insults, be just as sweet as I can be, SD will just HAVE to fall in love with me.' The movie was NOT based on a true story. The script had to have been written by someone who did not have the slightest clue about what it's really like to be a SM, or the fact that many DHs do not have the courage to support SMs. On this site there have been only a few success stories, and even these end in equitable tolerance rather than love, love, love. On the contrary, when we are faced with reality, we find it is a whole different world than what is presented on TV. I also tried for over 20 years to win my SD over, while she grew more obnoxious and sadistic as the years passed. It was like one of those bad movies when you ask yourself, 'When is this going to end?'

TwinMom65's picture

I learned YEARS ago, NOT to ingratiate myself to my skids... I have to tell you, I've been doing this over 15 years, and I can honestly say that for me, NOTHING HAS CHANGED...stop giving..you will regret it later!! I remember years ago when one of my SS's locked himself in one of MY bedrooms in MY house, I simply removed the door to the bedroom. Until he lost the attitude and apologized. He never pulled THAT shit again, believe me..LOL..Glad to hear your DH is empathetic to you. That is excellent for you and your relationship with him, MY DH will ALWAYS take his kids side over me, and they have his blessing (no matter how convoluted), to treat me like shit. I put little to no effort into any of them, they don't for me... :jawdrop: