Dinner With My Friends Tonight...
So tonight I had dinner with three of my friends tonight -- they are all in long-term marriages, never divorced, with the same man for years -- so no step issues. Other than one of my friends has had step parents, and her husband has a step mom. She hates her step mom and he hates his step mom. So when we get together and she starts bad mouthing her step mom, I always cringe. It obviously starts me thinking about my own skids who hate my guts and never come around -- I'm sure it's because I'm such a bitch.
It just makes me sad. When my friend starts talking like this it makes me want to start defending MYSELF -- not her step mom or her husband's step mom -- but MYSELF. I'll say "well I don't do that...." or whatever.
People just simply don't understand that being a step mom is the HARDEST job ever -- unappreciated, unloved, hated, disrespected, etc. It's just hard to listen to. She knows how hard it has been for me. Sure, I've done things over the years that I'm not proud of -- and it usually was because I'd been pushed so far I'd snap.
I think from now on I just need to listen, and stop defending myself. Oh well. This is my life. Thankfully, all the skids are OUT of our house, and do not ever come around. It's sad that they have chosen this, but on the other hand I'm thankful because they are assholes.
You are absolutely right in
You are absolutely right in your perspective that the hardest job in the parenting world is Sparenting. We are the usurping spouse of mommy or daddy and threaten the righteous superiority of the spouse/parent we replaced regardless of the circumstances of the demise of that prior relationship.
We are not the REAL mom or dad, though we have every responsibility to care for and protect the Skids when they are in our presence and we have absolutely no legal standing other than complete liability if something bad happens to the Skid in our presence. That said, I firmly believe that we can take every right we choose until we are told otherwise by a Judge and even then we can keep doing what we choose until a Judge forces us to stop which is highly unlikely and certainly never has happened in my nearly 20 years as a Step Dad.
Listening is always a great idea. The more we listen the more effective we will be when addressing the relevant situation.
That said, I rarely will sit quietly when someone is ranting about a situation I may know something about or if their rants are just stupid. Rather than defending yourself you may want to try some probing questions regarding why your friend and her DH hate their step mothers. "She's a bitch" and "She is evil", etc are just throw away answers and should not be accepted. I always push for specifics in these types of conversations. That usually either initiates actual meaningful conversation or the other person tends to drop it.
IMHO of course.
I agree. Ask for specifics.
I agree. Ask for specifics. When I asked DH for specifics about how I was making SD so uncomfortable in my home, he couldn't come up with anything. That was the last time I was accused of making her uncomfortable. Maybe when you ask you friends for specifics it will dawn on them how utterly ridiculous and unjutified their reasoning has been to justify the label, "Bitch".
You shouldn't have to defend yourself as a Stepmother to your friends and you shouldn't have to listen to their tirades about their Stepmothers either. Especially if they know this is a sensitive subject with you. I sure hope you DO ask for specifics, and I'd like to know what their responses are.
I think you could make your
I think you could make your friends aware of how hard the ROLE of a SM is. It is often not about the personality of each specific woman but about the unrealistic expectations, and conflicts of interest that make the ROLE difficult to play. Are you adult friends griping about their childhood experiences with their SMs or their current situations? Do they have good relationships with their dads?
What if you told them, I am sure this is how my skids talk about me? Will it make them go seek another audience for their bitching?
Remember Cinderella? Hating
Remember Cinderella? Hating step parents is almost universal. It's genetically in us but unlike many other mammals we can't kill the previous off-spring when a new adult "takes over". We have to invest too much time in our off spring to start over.
In a perfect world we would recognize that children can't handle step-parenting and never try it. If we lost a spouse we would carry on without replacing them until the kids were independent. If that took 17 1/2 more years well it would be the price to pay for a divorce.
So many people hating - just look at your group. A half dozen people hating when it all could have been avoided or at least most of it as sometimes even adult kids can't stand being steps.
People, situations, and
People, situations, and family dynamics are all different. Maybe those step parents really do suck. There are plenty of horrible step parents out there; there are plenty of horrible people who happen to be step parents. I would ask them what makes their SP so hate-worthy.
I agree that being a step parent is not easy but I don't think it's the hardest job ever. It's certainly no picnic for the step children who are still young when their parents divorce and re-marry.
I haven't been the worst step mother and I haven't been the best step mother, but I have always felt bad for my SD22, who's parents split when she was almost 5. As hard as it was for me (who never wanted to have children) to accept her into my life, I'm sure it was a lot harder for her to see her parents with different people, to be shuffled back and forth, and used by her mother.
You don't need to defend yourself to those people, you are not the step parent they are talking about. We are not all the same.