Vacation? um nope!
So the skids want to go on vacation with us this year -- it would just be two days, one overnight, due to DH's work schedule. The first place they wanted to go fell through (major fires burning in vacation spot), so they've come up with Plan B. I told DH I wasn't going to go on Plan A, which was camping and sleeping on the ground with a bunch of ingrates, while I do all of the work and they sit on their asses. Didn't sound like fun to me.
So Plan A fell through and now Plan B is a house at the beach, which I would love, but again, it would be ME doing all the cooking and cleaning and making sure that everything was put back the way it should be. NO THANK YOU.
DH says he doesn't know if he wants to go if I'm not going. He says "what am I going to do over there without you?" I said "visit with your kids?" He shrugged his shoulders and says he's not sure he is going. Here's the thing, if he doesn't go, they'll blame me. If he does go and talks me into going, again, scenario above -- me doing all the work, us paying for all the food, fun, entertainment, etc. NO THANK YOU.
I've disengaged from these assholes about two years now, and it's been great. Yes, I still feel a little guilty that I do nothing for them (AT ALL), not birthday cards, birthday gifts, birthday wishes, nothing. Christmas I did nothing for them. He is more than welcome to go purchase things for them -- I will not purchase gifts for people who are so ungrateful.
So the reason I'm writing tonight is I have a hint of guilt, but not a whole lot. The last vacation I went on with these kids (they are 19 and older now) it was awful. His daughters are bitches and I can't stand them. Feelings are mutual -- they dislike me too.
And no I wasn't the other woman at all -- I came into his life years after their divorce, but I still get their mother and grandmother bad mouthing me to anyone and everyone who will listen. So they sabotage me all the time with the skids -- so until skids grow up and grow a brain of their own, they will always have animosity towards me.
So, no, I don't want to go on vacation with them. I know that they will ask us to pay for things that they very well can afford just fine. Yes it irritates me because I DON'T want to do anything for them -- EVER.
I wish I didn't hate them and am constantly praying for help with that, but I do. Sigh.
Don't go and don't allow
Don't go and don't allow anyone to make you feel guilty about it.
Even if everyone were to pitch in and help, that still wouldn't be an ideal vacation. Who wants to cook and clean while on vacation?
DF and I are already fighting about his family reunion which is not unti next summer. They are planning a cruise. There are two plans in effect for the pre cruise days. Everyone stay at his aunt's house or rent a house. I'm screaming hell no to both options. When I'm on vacation, I want my own space~ no sharing rooms or houses. Cooking is not an option. I eat out the whole time. Therefore, I'm not willing to chip in and help purchase food I'm not going to eat. Cleaning is out of the question. That's why hotels have housekeepers.
DF and most of his family are all about saving a buck. If that means all bunching up in a house and taking turns cooking and cleaning, so be it.
He SHOULD go without out you
He SHOULD go without out you and should do that every time its possible from now on. It's an excellent time for one on one quality time with his kids and camping is the best option to do just that. By eliminating all the electronics as a part of the deal they're forced to interact as human families used to do. Sharing the work and the fun. I took my boys camping once a month for years (we can do that in southern California) sans new wife. Of all the things that happened to my kids during that time span that's what they remember.
For a child there is nothing like exploring a ghost town in the desert or canoeing on a lake in the mountains.
I'm sorry...why are you not
I'm sorry...why are you not going on vacation? THEY can stay home...NOT you...you, nor your DH should have to "sit this one out" because they have personal unresolved issues that effect their behaviors and life choices...NO no notta no way not today is not happening...sorry for your loss...you do not sacrifice your vacation with your husband just because they WANT to intrude on your personal time and space....
Just tell them "NO"..them coming on your vacation does not work for you...so what if they don't understand...they don't want to understand...Who cares if they blame you...they have been doing that since day one anyway...and until they grow up...they will continue to avoid owning responsibility for the shape the relationship is in because of their own choices...
Ohh and the the guilt? IT WILL PASS....Why let them hijack YOUR vacation?...because they want to? Excuse me? I don't think so...(that is a major intrusion on your personal time with your DH...reserved for just the two of you....they are not 12 year olds anymore..VAcatins are to get away from your problems...not bring them with you.. that is NOT a vacation....they are adults...the thinking that you need to sit home while your dh is on vacation with his ADULT children is just wacked...and shows how many of us that are steps just succumb to "Well, it is what they want" idea behind everything...there is nothing wrong with telling them no for heaven's sake...It's like they can't handle the reality of the word "No", and a hole is going to blow in the universe if they are ever told no for anything....Give me a break...if they want to have a time with DH that is his choice at this point but...really...is your vacation time the only option...why do we constantly have accommodate their subtle demands...ESPECIALLY when they treat us like garbage...I do not think so....
To me...my vac time is my most precious time...off limits sacred special time that I cherish when I get it...I draw a strong healthy boundary line in the sand when it comes to anyone especially step kids intruding on that special space...but that's just me...
funny thing about choosing to live the life you love...guilt fades...but resentment builds...
Respect yourself and take the vacation with your husband without them...
mom of five---At first I
mom of five---At first I thought I was reading a post that just was in the wrong section of ST. Then I realized your steps were adults as I continued reading.
DH and you should be using vacation time for yourselves. Let these other grown ups provide for their own vacation of interest at their own expense. That is the beauty of being done with raising children. This should be your time as a couple. It is no longer "all about them." It is now supposed to be the time in life that it is "all about the two of you" and with no guilt .
Last time I went on vacation
Last time I went on vacation with my SD (18 at the time), we let her bring a friend and I think they thought I was along to be their maid. They slept all day, messed up the rental and made what was supposed to be a fun week at the beach miserable. NEVER again.....leave the kids at home and have a nice guilt free vacation with hubby. If they are over 18 they can use their own money and take their own vacation with their friends.
At least your husband said
At least your husband said "what am I going to do over there without you". Mine planned a wonderful vacation for just him and his 21 and 23 year old kids. I was only invited as an afterthought when he saw how hurt my feelings were. I was told I could go, but I had to tolerate him smoking pot with his kids. I cannot stand parents that want to engage in intoxicating drug activity with their children. Kids will be kids, but We are supposed to protect our children, not encourage them to do things that could hurt them. No way would these idiots even consider putting their drug use away for a few days so I could attend their vacation. while your husband said "what am I going to do without you", mine said something like "what are we going to do with you along? We will be hiking, exploring caves, riding bikes, climbing hills......you will probably just slow us down.
Is this idiot still your
Is this idiot still your husband? :jawdrop: :sick:
At 21 and 23 they're adults
At 21 and 23 they're adults and would be smoking pot with or without him. Up to 18, sometimes 21, your/his/our first responsibility is protecting our 'children' beyond that spouses are first priority.
Outside of this - You can attend their vacation even if they're smoking pot. it's not going to hurt them. plus they're going to do healthy activities like hike, explore, ride, climb... GO ALONG ON THIS ONE!
Thanks for all the responses
Thanks for all the responses -- I still have to continue to say that this forum has been such a life saver to me.
About two years ago I was having a tough time with his kids -- so they would have been 17, 19, 21, 22 -- and decided to do a bible study with some "friends" from church. It was a great study on Brokenness and broken people and God loving us. I thought it would be a good thing because I'd done the study already by myself.
So one of the chapters (I can't remember what the topic was) I decided to confess to people I thought were safe for me -- that I was struggling with hating my step kids. I mean hated. I wished they would go away and never return kind of hate. Not death. Just go away. One of the women in the group hasn't spoken to me since that confession
Oh well. Showed her true colors I guess, and helped me realize that not all people can handle harsh realities.
Yah, that was a thought that I had about my husband in his comment "what will I do without you there?" Ummmmm you'll have to do the cooking and cleaning up after your crappy kids.
That was the thought that I had -- he wasn't going to miss me, just miss the fact that I do everything.
This way I don't have to be the one that has to tell everyone to clean up after themselves, be the one who does most of the cleaning (without arguing), be the one that cooks for everyone with no help -- uummmmmmm no no and hell no.
Yah, now they are aged 19, 21, 24 and 25.
The last vacation we went on with all the kids it was a nightmare. The girls bitch the whole time -- the youngest one especially -- and makes everybody else miserable because she is miserable. Sure maybe she's changed in a year, but I doubt it! Bleh.
I'd put money of it that if
I'd put money of it that if your DH has to cook, clean, etc. for them it will be his last 'fantasy' family vacation. Encourage him to go have 'quality' time with the skids without you, like you are doing him a favor. Your guilt will fade fast when you hear about it from his lips.
I'm surprised they're
I'm surprised they're spending time with Daddy especially if they hate it. With you not showing up I'm going out on a limb and saying it may start a revolution and less kids will show up next year possibly ending the whole tradition.
A great book by Dr mchenry
A great book by Dr mchenry called living the life you love has helped me learn the art of telling underproductive people "No"...I love it!...I would highly recommend it..It sounds like your step kids have not heard that word often and they still take you for granted...