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So My Partner Now Wants To Get All His Kids Round To Sort Out The Issues From His Daughter's Wedding

SavvyKim's picture

Thank you for everyone who has responded to my first post. I have disengaged from his kids and unfriended them on FB, it has taken them about 2 weeks to notice, he challenged me this morning about it as he said I am now alienating myself from them, I reminded him that I told him I was disengaging from them a few days after his daughter's wedding.

He now wants to bring all his kids and their partner's round on Sunday for a meeting to sort this issue out. I told him it had nothing to do with the rest of his kids, only to do with his daughter as she had organised the wedding all by herself. I also reminded him that he could have prevented all this by sticking up for me on the day, he then admitted that he felt he could not do anything on the day for fear of causing an upset at the wedding. He is trying to get things back to the way they were before the wedding, I told him that will never happen and he is welcome to have his relationship with his kids but I don't have to have a relationship with them.

I think his bullying tactics are starting to show again, he said he is in the middle of it all and it is upsetting for him, I said to him, well they were upset with a post I put up, so by removing them from my friends, they will not see anything else I post and from now on, also, friends don't treat people like this, things are not going to revolve around his kids and I really don't care if they are upset with me.

I feel I am going to be railroaded into meeting with them all, what do I do guys as I really do not want this?

Ispofacto's picture

Refuse. If they spring something on you, calmly and politely take your leave with your dignity firmly intact. You've got places to be and things to do.

SavvyKim's picture

Ispofacto, I really feel my partner cannot cope with me disengaging from his kids, I am just done with them and sick and tired of being made to feel guilty by him, he was also the main problem at the wedding, by siding with his daughter and trampling all over my feelings, this was the original post:

WalkOnBy's picture

Kim - if your partner can't cope with you disengaging, he might not be the right one for you. You absolutely get to protect yourself from those who seek to do you harm. Why should you have to do something you don't want to do just because it makes him uncomfortable??

I am glad to see you are blaming him for his behavior at the wedding.

twoviewpoints's picture

Sounds like he's trying to fix it with you so his life can go on as it were. The problem is it is he and his daughter that brought the final straw for you about. In your last post on this subject, you seemed to be waiting and expecting an apology from the SD. Bringing all the skids over to "sort out the issues" doesn't sound as if you're about to get an apology to me. Sounds more as if you considers you part of the problem that needs sorted.

Your SO can not force you to met with his children. But the longer you refuse, the more SO and his children will zero in on you as being the 'bad guy'. From your amount of lingering anger over the wedding, it doesn't appear you're ready to let bygones be bygones (I don't fault you for that), and I see no point in bringing the group together. SO and his children fail to yet see what , for you, really needs assorted. Their disrespectful rude treatment towards you and his enabling it.

Until they acknowledge their roles in all this, a sit down will ramp up into a finger pointing session. Don't expect SO to support and stand up for you when that happens. Either way you go, meet don't meet, I don't see this going well for you.

SavvyKim's picture

Exactly twoviewpoints, He wants me to justify myself to 4 of his kids and 3 partners, really? I also agree with you, he will not support me either for fear of upsetting his little princess, I have told him that I only wish to speak with his daughter and her new husband. I refused also to go out for the meal last Saturday, I simply told him I was not going to be bullied into going and had no wish to spend time with someone who had disrespected me in front of an audience like that.

KittyKatMomma's picture

He's in the middle because he put HIMSELF there.
His kids are grown yes?! as are you?!
therefore it's time to let them be the adults they think they are
and if they have an issue with you-they can come to you
vs running to Daddy whining they're not getting their way.

You're allowed to be disengaged from his kids-just like if you were disengaged from the asshole alcoholic down the street that starts fights if you just look at him funny.

fairyo's picture

Don't be railroaded- you have options here:

You could just arrange to meet SD without the other skids, this would take the audience away which is what she clearly wants. However, you may not want to be in the same space and I understand that.

You could just absent yourself from the house on Sunday so that when they arrive you are not there. Not a great option as this would get their backs up even more.

You could arrange an emergency so that soon after they arrive the whole thing is spoiled by your setting fire to something! Again, not a great idea as someone might get seriously hurt- although it would save face as long as no one found out you started the fire!

Arrange for someone else to be there- a friend, neighbour, lawyer, as an advocate. I don't see the problem with this except the lawyer might be expensive (unless they are a friend or neighbour!)

You can refuse- flat out, say no- although this will not go down well with DH I suspect.

I suggest you just tell everyone with a smile that you have moved on, put the wedding behind you and let them all know you wish them well but there is no need for a meeting- you have been invited to a birthday party and won't be home. Just keep doing that until they disappear. They will get tired of it eventually...

twoviewpoints's picture

"You could arrange an emergency so that soon after they arrive the whole thing is spoiled by your setting fire to something!"

Oh, Fairyo, I needed a laugh this morning and this was it Biggrin (seems so lonely on here today)

Yeah, that would certainly distract. I do like the idea of suggesting OP agree to a coffee meet chat between just SD and OP. If she is going to do this I'd want it to be on my terms. The two ladies alone can perhaps work it out or throw coffee at each other as they each stomp off in their different direction.

No one else there to say, do , excuse. It might work, perhaps temporarily, or it would definitely, at least, serve to give the OP a totally clear conscious of disengaging from SD for good. Unfortunately , I fear with OP's enabling unsupportive partner it's be a small Band-Aid on a huge wound that's been festering for a long time.

fairyo's picture

Thanks- I agree I am missing some people's opinion on this too! Festering wounds need radical treatment if they are to heal well-otherwise a limb may have to be removed!

still learning's picture

"I suggest you just tell everyone with a smile that you have moved on, put the wedding behind you and let them all know you wish them well but there is no need for a meeting- you have been invited to a birthday party and won't be home."

LOVE this advice, because the reality is that you'll never be able to *get back to* where you were before the wedding. You can't fix the rudeness that was show to SM at the wedding. Having a meeting of DH, skids and their spouses will turn into an all of us vs. SM showdown aka jumping into the snake pit!

When people show you who they are believe them. SD displayed her feelings about you for all to see during her wedding, now you know. Take this knowledge and move forward. Disengaging quietly and walking my own path has made peace between DH and I concerning his sons. I truly do wish them all well but instead of wanting to please skids, my highest priority is taking care of myself and my marriage now.

momjkm's picture

I agree with the ganged up on theory. Story of my life with my skids and their wives. Never see at least 2 of them together. I also agree that there is no need to have an audience. I would go with blow her and her drama off altogether.

hereiam's picture

Stand your ground. What happened, happened, and there is nothing to sort out. You now know where you stand with your SD (and your SO) and can move on accordingly.

I really don't understand all of these men who insist their wives/partners be best buddies with their kids. It's unnecessary and, usually, unwanted by them in the first place.

His daughter was okay treating you like some family acquaintance (barely) at her wedding but God forbid you unfriend any of them on Facebook (now, they are the victims). What they want is a one way street. You treat them like precious family, they can treat you like dirt. still have to treat them like they're golden. I don't think so.

Why can't your partner have a relationship with his kids without involving you? That's what I find so strange.

You are right, you do not have to have a relationship with them and the more he pushes, the worse it's going to be. He needs to let it go.

If the SD has something to say to you, she can say it, she doesn't need her siblings and their partners backing her up and backing you into a corner.

SavvyKim's picture

hereiam Why can't your partner have a relationship with his kids without involving you? That's what I find so strange.

It is because he felt he had everything, a big family, a partner who catered for all his kids at parties, who entertained them, looked after them, cooked and cleaned for them when we were on holiday, run around for them and him. Now it has all ground to a halt, he is not coping as our parties were the best, we always had a fantastic New Years Eve party - now it is all gone. He used to book flights for his kids and their partners to come on holiday with us without even consulting me, he just told me they were coming and I just had to accept it.

I keep reminding him, all this changed because of your daughter and you enabling her behavior, simple, so stop blaming me for being hurt and angry and now knowing how little she thinks of me. I do not want a relationship with her - or the boys now as they are ganging up on me.

hereiam's picture

It is because he felt he had everything, a big family, a partner who catered for all his kids at parties, who entertained them, looked after them, cooked and cleaned for them when we were on holiday, run around for them and him.

Well, that's just it isn't it? He had a partner who was doing all of these things for him and his kids. Maybe it's time HE became responsible for his own relationships and get togethers with his kids. He will either figure it out or he won't, not your problem.

SacrificialLamb's picture

"It is because he felt he had everything, a big family, a partner who catered for all his kids at parties, who entertained them, looked after them, cooked and cleaned for them when we were on holiday, run around for them and him."

Yeah, and shame on him for taking it all for granted.

hereiam's picture

Right? He took it for granted and his concern about WHO he was upsetting was misdirected.

So many of these men are more concerned about everybody elses feelings, except the women they live with, sleep with, and are supposedly committed to.

My SD is 26. My DH loves his daughter and wants her to be happy but not at MY expense. Not at the expense of our relationship.

disrestep's picture

If I were I your shoes, and you really do not want to meet with them, I would first let my partner know "They are your kids not mine, and as a parent you should be meeting with them to discuss any issues you have with them, not me. It is not my place to do this, I am not their parent, you are. I do not wish to do your dirty work for you." When issues came up in the past with my adult skids, I would have to suggest to my DH that it's his job as a parent to deal with them if he had problems with their rudeness, not me. There were times when he asked me to call or talk to them and I flat out refused, said "No way, not my place, your kids, deal with them." Sometimes he did, sometimes not. I also told my DH that if anyone in my family ever treated him rudely, I would deal with them and never expect him to.

My hunch is your partner is afraid to rock-the-boat with his adult kids and wants a Brady Bunch family. Not sure beside the wedding what else they have done to get you to the point of disengaging. I know it took me a good few years of adult skid hatefulness to shut down and just not want to deal with them. At the beginning, I started to keep a list of dates and events where they were hateful. When my DH started to try and get me to go to a skid event with him, out came the list to remind him of all the instances in better detail than I could remember. There were many, many instances of their hatefulness. Because I love my DH, I needed him to know why I felt that way and the list helped.

Hope some of this info. helps you out. Good luck.

sandye21's picture

^^^This!^^^ I know what it is like to be outnumbered by people who hate you. SD, her husband and DH - as a team. Me = alone to defend myself. Calmly but firmly say, "No! We've already discussed this." No other dialog is required. If he pulls a 'surprise intervention' simply walk out.

I would suggest visiting a counselor on your own to gain the self-confidence to stand with your boundaries - or tell DH to get lost. DH does not think you or your marriage is valuable enough to him to demonstrate that he supports you to his kids.

SacrificialLamb's picture

DH wants the other kids there for one reason - reinforcements for himself.

He is trying to drag you back into the fold to make life easy for HIM. He is "in the middle" because of his own cowardice. He put himself there.

I would continue to tell him it is not fair for you to be "outnumbered" by having a meeting with all of his children. There is one person you have an issue with - SD - and if she had remorse for how the event felt for you, she would be taking the initiative to contact you. If I feel like I have upset someone and I care about that person, I immediately try to work it out. This has not happened for you.

Your DH should not be trying to persuade you to meet with his children, but should be telling his DD that snubbing his long time partner was not acceptable.

bearcub25's picture

You could also use this as an opportunity to tell the SD and her siblings how you felt at the wedding. Then make your exit. Don't tell your DH what you plan, just start out this little meeting with your thoughts and words.

Tell them how it made you feel to not be allowed to sit with your DH, who was probably the only person you were comfortable with, and be alone at the table at the reception. Tell them that because of the way they made you feel, you do not care to interact with them going forward.

Also tell them that you are all adults, and adults are allowed to have their own feelings and opinions on matters, its not mutual to only bio family.

Your DH wants to clear the air, then by all means clear the air with how you are feeling.

fairyo's picture

I think the problem is they wouldn't listen-they would just enjoy 'ganging up'- they don't want to hear Savvy's side of anything. These are bullying tactics and the fire should not be fed. I would say I'm too busy Sunday- how about next week?-then find something else to do next week. They'll give up eventually.

steppingback's picture

Your husband's children made it clear that they do not want you as part of the family. You are just respecting their wishes and not acting like family. They need to stop complaining about getting what they want. In a similar situation I have walked out. It works for me.

Harry's picture

So SD does what she wants. Makes your place as SM being that you sit with the band at the wedding. Your husband showed you. His playing Happy Family with his DD and XW was more important than you and your feelings. And, And, And what do you get an apology !!!
That great.
It's like stealing a million $, buying a boat, new car then sending an apology, and everything is just OK.
The damage is done, it can not be undone. It's going to happen again and you will get another apology.
Just blowing smoke

Ruby88's picture

Tell him there's no need for a meeting where you should be present unless there is an unequivocal apology to be made toward you. Otherwise you're not interested. I think disengaging is fine but I do think it's important for those of us who have disengaged to be open to forgiveness if someone is truly sorry and seeking it. I'm not saying that's what these kids or the step daughter is doing, but make it clear to him you're not looking for discussion, the only thing that would matter would be an acknowledgment of what happened and a sincere apology for it. I speak from experience, I was disengaged for several years but they did finally acknowledge and apologize for all the nonsense they pulled and since then things have been really good. It may never happen for you and that's OK but I'd make it short and sweet what you require in order for him to have his happy home back

notasm3's picture

My Dh's 32 year old son has a GF and a child who is almost 2. I do not wish any of them ill will. But I so not give a sh** what happens to them.

SavvyKim's picture

Another huge row last night, I told him that there was no need for a meeting with his kids, that I was disengaged from them and the only person I need to speak to was his daughter, he is still firmly on her side and told me I am just being nasty. He told me nothing was done intentionally, he thought I was OK with the table plan, I repeated that I knew nothing about the wedding or seating plans. He then remarked that I could have gone and looked at the seating plan before the wedding, well yes, maybe I could have, but the organisation was so poor, nobody knew where the ceremony was going to be let alone where we would be eating, but that fact aside, it was still too late at that time as all the decisions had been made.

He is still placing the blame on me telling me I am causing this whole situation and I am turning his kids against me. He has more or less said he will not allow me to disengage from his kids, if so, our relationship will not work. I told him I will be civil with them when I see them, but I do not wish to socialize with them all the time and certainly not go on holiday with them again as he treats me like I am not there anyway when his kids are with us. So, he then says, 'so it is all my fault then is it' and I simply replied - yes it is. He said he did not want to have make excuses for me not going to birthdays etc, I said fine, I will explain to his daughter that I will not be attending any future family events, because, she showed me I have nothing to do with her family at the wedding.

The best one was when I said how would your daughter feel if her new husband's daughter did that to her at her wedding, he said that she would not do that and her new husband would not allow it, so I said what is the difference then, he said, well, they are married. I said, to him, have you ever thought why your kids don't think our relationship is serious is because you don't think I am good enough to marry, he just said, you know I never wanted to get married, I just replied, well that is why you are the problem and why all your boys will not marry their partners is because of you.

I want to save my relationship, but I feel I am being pushed into doing something I do not want to do - spend time with his kids, I just do not go back to how it was, they are grown up for goodness sake, they do not see their mother as much as they see their dad. Her partner got it right, he disengaged from the word go and moved their mother in with him. He had the sense not to turn up at the wedding because of the daughter and him don't quite see eye to eye.

I am really stuck, it is just making me even more angry with him. Sad

hereiam's picture

I can see why you feel stuck, you have a lot invested in this relationship but how much more do you want to invest in a guy who doesn't care about your feelings? He wants it his way and his way only.

He says the relationship won't work if you disengage from his kids? Your relationship should have nothing to do with his kids. They are adults and so are you. I'm not so sure about your partner.

sandye21's picture

"-- he just said, you know I never wanted to get married,--" And there is your answer. DH would have never said that if he honestly cared about you. He either wants to break your self-worth down or he really does not want to be married to you. Either way, save up for an exit plan. If my DH ever said that to me I would grant him his wish.

fairyo's picture

He sounds like a bully. Savvy you have a tagline- do you feel that you have done? I think this situation has just brought out some underlying issues between yourself and this man. I worry that there will be nothing for you but to start your exit plan. I think you deserve better.

Harry's picture

If that the way he feels, ok with the tables, pictures and sees nothing wrong with that. You are at a dead end.
The SD was wrong, and you have to apologize to her ????
This will never end. It's a power play in SD part

MadHatter's picture

I would gladly show up for the meeting just to hear what my partner had to say. I also wouldn't hesitate to tell them that because you felt so very left out, unwanted, and unappreciated, that you feel like you have gained a new understanding of where you stand in the family. As a result, you have decided to accommodate them by limiting, or removing, your presence at future family events and you expect them to do the same. Then, I would open the door and invite them all to leave my home.

You probably shouldn't take my advice if you wish to remain with your partner. I've found out that disengaging isn't easy when their dear daddy isn't on board, and you have to be willing to pack up and go. I left my own home, the one I owned before DH and I got married, when I first disengaged because he continued to press the subject.

momjkm's picture

I wish I would have known my DH considers his kids feelings before mine before I got married- because I would NEVER have married him. I feel betrayed that my DH is like this. So now my kids/grandson are attached to him . So consider yourself lucky to still have the option. I now know why so many second marriages fail especially when kids are involved.

mapitout's picture

Okay, let's think about are outnumbered. Could you have a meeting and be quiet while they justified every single shitty slight? Could you write out ahead of time what you wish to say without regard to their blather and simply read it when they are finished yapping? Could you not take the bait? Can you keep your cool in the face of threat and fear? Could you ask them to think about how they might feel if in your shoes? Mad Hatter makes a good point, there's risk involved and you have to know what you're willing to lose. You won't win anyway, not with what you've described, it's doubtful that anything you say won't be held against you. So if you have this "meeting", be prepared to lose; I would say NOTHING, let them carry on while you sit beside your SO and observe. Thank them for coming and tell them you have much to think about in the days to come.

CANYOUHELP's picture

No meeting, this is a crazy set are in a lose, lose, and more lose position if you agree to any of this. You are not wanted, like so many of us, we did nothing to deserve it, yet we have no way of fixing it...our situation is hopeless, and likely so is yours. You have accepted it, it sounds; but your husband who is fully responsible for it, needs to..When people want you excluded, they do not suddenly decide they want to include you.

We are all the reason for all the problems with skids, that's why you disengage. No longer part of the problem, just part of the solution.

mapitout's picture


SavvyKim's picture

I was out all day yesterday supporting my friend whilst she had her very dear and lovely horse put to sleep, I was crying my eyes out as it brought back memories from 6 years ago when I had to do the same with my horse. When he came in he gave me a brief cuddle and told me he loved me, then he went to bed leaving me in tears. He woke up this morning and turned and gave me a kiss, something he has not done in a long time, as he was leaving for work he could see I was not my usual self and asked me what was wrong, I just shrugged it off, again he told me he loved me. Why does he do this and then in the next breath trample all over my feelings?

I do not know what the laws are here in the UK for common law wives, but with a heavy heart, I have decided to go and see a solicitor next week to find out if I have any legal standing to get a settlement from him so I can move out and live my own life. I just don't think he will ever change and I do not want to be around his kids anymore. I co-own the villas in Florida, but everything in the UK is in his name only, so I really do not know where I stand. If I am entitled to anything, at least I will be able to stand up to him then knowing I will be OK.

sandye21's picture

SavvyKim, Sorry about your horse and your friend's horse.

As far as your relationship with your DH, I am sorry and happy for you at the same time. It is always sad to leave a relationship, no matter how bad it is. It takes time to process, heal and move on - but you know this. But I am happy you have at least decided to see a solicitor. You DH is manipulating you as any narcissist would. They take delight in of setting you up so they can pull you down again. It is a game. Please keep coming back to Steptalk. Not only will it remind you that you did the right thing, you will be able to share you experiences with others who fall into the same boat. (((HUGS)))

fairyo's picture

Savvy I am so sorry you had that on your plate yesterday- I'm sure your friend appreciated your being there for her.
Why does your DH behave like this- affectionate one minute and bullying the next? It is called manipulation. I was married to a man like this- hot and cold, nice and nasty, kind and mean. I never knew when he walked in the door what sort of mood he was in or whether his mood would change in a split second. In the end I gave up analysing and it is now 16 years since we parted. I made another life- it isn't perfect and I know DH is hard work just now but at least I can predict his actions, and even what he's going to say!

In the UK there is nothing legal about common law- you will be entitled to nothing. However, I should go and see a solicitor anyway. I went to see a few on a free advisory session and picked the one I thought was best, I hope that this is still an option for you.

I don't know if you are a UK citizen or not, or whether you have any family or friends here, or whether you can just return to Florida and get your villas sold.

Although you have made some errors I feel you do have the savvy to put things right. It won't be easy but there will be options for you other than staying with this man and his brood who will never make you happy.

Good luck, and make sure you stay around here. Meanwhile, will the meeting go ahead- I think Mapitout had some good advice, if they turn up just sit in silence and think about your plan. That is the only way to deal with them!

disrestep's picture

Savvykim, It is so very hard to put a beloved animal down. My sincerest condolences to you and your friend.

You have to do what is best for yourself. It is not always easy. I always tell myself that things work out for a reason. I am sure in time you will figure it all out.

Be strong and take care,

SavvyKim's picture

We have had another big row tonight and he has told me he wants me to leave, seeing as though I will not accept his daughter's or his view on the whole thing, I have no where to go and now where to live, I hope his bitch of a daughter is happy that her dad will be lonely for the rest of his life, seriously thinking of taking my own life now, nowhere to go.

CANYOUHELP's picture

YOU owe HIS kids nothing, especially if he does nothing to make them respect you, in whatever relationship you are in with him. Why not make him leave instead? Why is HE calling the shots? Not certain about your financial situation or ownership status, but if you can stay in the house--do it!

If not, get out, never look back....let he and his daughter wife have their continuous love fest with a dumber woman than you! You, on the other hand, will look out for YOU...and find your peace and happiness somewhere else.

hereiam's picture

Please do not do anything drastic. Check your laws there, here in the States you cannot just be booted from your place of residence in a minute, no matter who owns it.

He is not worth taking your own life, please find a friend or someone to talk to and to help you through this.

mapitout's picture

"seriously thinking of taking my own life now", I hope you're not serious! There is another way. Call a suicide hotline in your area ASAP.

notsurehowtodeal's picture

You need some "in person" support. Please call your friend who owned the horse and let her help you. If that is not possible call a support line. You need some help making sense of how quickly your life has changed.

stepmum-mark2's picture

Do NOT leave the house no matter what (unless he gets violent) until you have had legal advice. I`m not sure on the law regarding de-facto where you are but until you know do not give up any chance you have.

Stay strong, and get legal advice asap.

SavvyKim's picture

He can throw me out, everything is in his name, the only properties we have between us are in Florida, I co-own them, here in the UK, he has set everything up just with his name only, I have no money and nowhere to live.

stepmum-mark2's picture

You need to get legal advice urgently.

You may be right and you may have no rights to anything there, but you may find you are entitled to more than you think.

Is he likely to leave you stranded (he does seem to be a bit all over the place) but what are the chances he would not help you get back to the US or whatever?

SavvyKim's picture

I live in the UK and not in the USA, the way he was last night, yes, I am sure he would just kick me out, he told me he wants me to leave, I will try to hold off until next week and see a solicitor to see where I stand, I have lived with him for nearly 11 years.

stepmum-mark2's picture

Sorry, I thought I read you had joint property in the US and for some reason assumed that`s where you were from (but living with him in the UK)

If he harasses you about moving out just tell him you need some time to get yourself sorted! I can`t believe that after 11 years you would be entitled to nothing of the assets there.

(I`m in Australia and I know that we are treated the same as if we were married - after living together for a year I think)

BethAnne's picture

Hi Kim, I am so sad to hear your story and that your partner is being so obstinate. I just wanted to give you a couple of places where you can go for help.

116 123 is the smaritans help line, they can be someone to talk to if you are feeling desperate, suicidal or just need someone to listen, please do call them. It is free to call and will not show up on your bill.

The citizens advice bureau has an office is most towns and are a great resource to point you in the right direction when you don't know where to start. Check their hours as some have limited opening hours. Their website has some information too. From a brief look at the advice for England (it may vary if you are in another country) they say to stay in the house you are renting until you have consulted with a solicitor as you may be able to have a claim to staying there through a court if you need to. They will also be able to advise you if you would be entitled to any benifits if you split from your boyfriend and if you could get into a shelter if you need it.

Reach out to your friends and family in your time of need. They want to help you and make sure you are ok.

BethAnne's picture

I would also make sure to go to the bank (or post office) Saturday morning and set up an account in your name if you do not have your own account yet. Also call your solicitor and see if they can fit you in earlier in the week.

SacrificialLamb's picture

SavvyKim you have not updated since last night when you were threatening suicide. Can you give an update?

SavvyKim's picture

Hi Guys, I am OK, I had a show with my horse on Saturday, so got back very late and was very tired as I only slept for about an hour Friday evening. I came back from the show and he acted like we had never had an argument on the Friday night, he then said we would go and see his daughter on Monday night so I can tell her how the wedding made me feel, so now it is Monday, I will be at her house with my partner at about 7pm (UK time) this evening, any advise on what to say and how to leave it?

hereiam's picture

Get it off of your chest, if you must, but regardless of what you do or don't say or what happens, your partner has shown you who he is through all of this.

still learning's picture

The daughter already knows how you feel, DH knows how you feel, probably the entire family, her friends and everyone at the wedding was likely told how you felt about everything through the lens of SD of course. I'm not sure what benefit you're going to get by repeating the whole emotional ordeal to SD. If she wanted to apologize she already would have.

DH is on her side as is the rest of her/his family. You're willingly walking right into a vipers nest. What to say; "Honey, I have a headache and am not feeling up to this tonight. Go on w/out me. Have a great visit with SD."

If you really want to further discuss your feelings about the wedding get a therapist just for you. No DH, just you to sort out your feeling and get some professional advice on how to approach or not approach this issue.

mapitout's picture

Write down your thoughts before going, that way you will narrow it down to the most elemental and important. Think of it as a dressage class, where the preparation shows up as a seamless, choreographed illustration of the time you took to work with your horse and the judges take notice.

disrestep's picture

Glad all is well. Good ideas above in writing down your thoughts first and getting it off your chest.

I am assuming the meeting is your partner's idea and not yours. If so, if it were me, I would then let my partner do most of the talking along with the SD. Whenever I felt the need to discuss with the adult SD her disrespectful behavior toward me or my DH, she became irrational and nasty. I would then be calm and relaxed and not get angry. What this did was show my DH what a hateful person she really is and that she cannot act like a rational human being toward me.

Everyone is different. So your stepD could be polite. You never know. I do hope your partner has your back though and supports you. I'd also be aware they may be recording the whole meeting. Who knows?

Good luck,

fairyo's picture

Savvy so glad you got back to us and I hope this situation may resolve itself. I would try to be as calm as possible- now when I'm in these situations I remember to press my lips together to make myself listen before I speak. It worked recently when I met up with my SS- though I didn't feel under attack in the way I think you feel.
As SD and DH have called this meeting I would first listen- try to be objective and just let them say what they want. If they want a response from you then you should be calm, polite but brief. Say what you need to and no more. Give them no ammunition.
If they are rude or abusive just ask quietly; 'Have I been rude or abusive to you?' Then say no more. You deserve respect.
I think I would make a statement around wanting to put it all in the past, put water under the bridge, but also make sure she knows you were upset and the reasons why, stated clearly.
Then,just say that you now accept your position in the family and therefore want to get your own life/time back and that you have the right not to be forced to do things you don't want to.
I hope this is an opportunity for you to speak your truth, and not just a chance for them to bully you into re-engagement. Don't take any backward steps-move forward. Good luck.

sandye21's picture

I agree. You might be placing yourself in a lose-lose situation by agreeing to a meeting with people, including DH, who have demonstrated they do not have your best interests at heart. If you decide to take part in this 'discussion' make sure to take your own car. I would stay mum until you see where the conversation is heading. If you want to then state your feelings, do so, then get in your car and go home. Then make an appointment with a good therapist to 'interpret' the discussion realistically.

SavvyKim's picture

Hi Guys, I will comment later, don't worry, everything went better than expected, will report when I get back from my horse this evening x

SavvyKim's picture

Hi Guys,

His daughter did not know or understand why I was so upset with her, so I went through the scenario if this happened to her with her husband's daughter, she said it would not bother her at all, I said, you will say that now, however, if it happens, she will feel differently at the time. She said that she simply did not think I would want a corsage, I said to her that indicated to me that I had nothing to do with the wedding party. I then pointed out about her brother abruptly telling me to move to the back in the ceremony, and the fact she had honored me with the same status as her father's company cleaner seeing as she had sat me with her.

She said that she did not want any partner's of her mum and dad on the top table, so I asked her why she felt it so important to separate her dad and myself, she just said, well, dad had to do a speech, I then told her that the golden rule with weddings, is not to separate couples as it does cause upset. I told her that I am prepared to put it behind me, but will not forgive her for not giving me more though when planning her wedding.

She then asked if she could come on holiday with her father and me next May, of course I felt backed into a corner, so under pressure said yes, only because my partner wants to take his grandchild to Disneyland, which I fully understand. Then just before we left, she said her husband's best friend and girlfriend wanted to come out there with us, she could see I was not happy about that, since then, I have spoken to my partner and apparently, they had discussed this a week ago and he said he had no problem with it, again, agreeing to something without discussing it with me before saying yes. So this morning, I spoke to him and told him I was not comfortable having someone in our villa with us that I don't know, so I said I will not be railroaded into it and they will not be staying with us, so he said no problem, we can stay somewhere else and let his daughter and their friends have the villa - so in essence, I am kicked out of my own holiday home again.

I really am trying to hold it together, but can clearly see that what the daughter wants, the daughter gets and I have to take a back seat again. She is now planning to get pregnant again after May next year, I said, well will that stop us moving to Florida and he said no, we are moving out there, so I will just keep peace and quietly disengage by making excuses not being able to turn up at parties etc.

ldvilen's picture

Thank you. I always think it is important for SMs to speak up when these sort of exclusionary situations occur; otherwise, they will continue for all of us, as there is a lot of societal ignorance out there regarding SMs. There is no such thing as separate but equal.

hereiam's picture

I am kicked out of my own holiday home again.

This^^^ and the whole holiday thing, planned behind your back, is unacceptable.

mapitout's picture

I like the way things went up until the holiday query. I believe it's not too late to think through this by saying that you were not given all of the information up front i.e. the money you and DH would spend to stay in another place, spend it on them and their friends to stay in another place or put the quietus on the friends going at all. I don't know, but something that puts you a consideration when plans are made. I have been in a similar situation, OSS completely ignoring my input on visits that involve me, I finally confronted it, at a cost. I am now fully dis-engaged from the entitled beast and DH has to navigate it all alone. I no longer regret my decision to speak up, I made a mistake by not doing it sooner and setting appropriate boundaries, as did DH. Their true colors came through and he and his wife were dumb enough to put it in writing and copy DH on it! I am VERY clear on their true feelings and have no doubt about my response to disengage. I feel terribly sorry for my DH, he has cancer and doesn't need this stress, neither is of us were prepared for this when we married and I hung in with the SKIDS BS long enough, I won't be railroaded by a bunch of spoiled adults, I have paid my dues, I am a self made woman and nobody gets to speak to my life the way they have attempted to, NOBODY!

fairyo's picture

Thanks for letting us know Savvy and well done for speaking your point clearly felt under pressure to say yes to the holiday. You could quite clearly have said, 'I don't want to feel pressured into making a decision right now...' and left it there.
I still don't think they've learned anything-they have been having discussions behind your back! Yes, they put you back on the back seat and they think you'll stay there.
Savvy no one can live your life for you- you are right to 'quietly' disengage and make sure you still have that exit plan, but I suspect you have made one too much compromise again.
Sending you some Fairy dust.

disrestep's picture

Savvy, I was happy to see everything went better than expected and then saw your next post. I applaud you for taking a stand and letting them know what you did at the meeting. It does take courage to stand up to people like that when you feel outnumbered.

I think it is really unfair to you the way your partner is making vacation arrangements with the daughter at a villa you half own and then telling you after the fact. If it were me, I would refuse to give up a villa I half own on my vacation to anyone, nevermind a rude adult step. They need to stay elsewhere, not you and partner, unless you are okay with being kicked out of your own place. Then, the daughter inviting other people. That is selfish.

Maybe you can try counselling with your partner. It seems like he just does not get it and places the daughter's needs and wishes way before yours. This seems to have gone on for a long while. Again, if it were me, I would be seeking legal counsel about how to get my half back of the villa and getting my ducks in a row to come up with a plan and resources to leave this guy if it gets worse and go on with a better life where I am really truly happy. But that is me.

My now DH was like this when we first started dating. The whole world revolved around his adult kids. Daughter was a mini-wife. At first, I didn't care - we were just dating - to each his own. The more he wanted to do things together with me, the more the skids would try and stop us. This went on for almost 2 years and then I was done - just like that - done with it all. I told him I didn't sign up for this bleep. No more ruined holidays or arguments about what they want. I didn't care. Needless to say, he and I worked it out and now are happily married. Maybe you and your partner can work things out.

Good luck,

SavvyKim's picture

Thank you ladies for your support, I will not be doing the parties either in the future, I will always make an excuse not to do them saying I have planned something else on those dates, no doubt, he will be expecting me to do our annual New Year's Eve party, however, I have decided I do not want to do it and his kids can go elsewhere, I want to celebrate it just with a nice meal with my other half, I am sick and tired of all the work I have to put in and the mess that needs cleaning up the next day.

It will be so easy for me to disengage, my horse comes before his kids and I will never put their requests again in front of him. I have already got out of going to his daughters kid's 2nd birthday - I am at a show with my horse. She invited me round on Friday night instead, oh hey, I need to get my horse ready for a show on Saturday as well.

I think I feel strong enough now to talk to his kids and set the boundaries with regards to them inviting themselves on holiday with us, I am simply going to say that they are old enough to be going on their own from now on and they are welcome to go out as a family for 2 weeks a year without us, or their dad can join them, but I want my partner and I to have our time together without anyone.

SavvyKim's picture

keepitsimplestupid, I am the joint owner of both villas, I suggested he put his daughter etc in our 5 bedroom villa, but he said no because he wanted his grandchild and her husbands's daughter to be able to stay in the princess bedroom in our 6 bedroom villa and his daughter wanted her room when she has stayed in the past, so I have to play second fiddle again. I will suggest we visit somewhere else in the USA whilst they are there, I will enjoy that, no cooking and taken out for meals will suit me fine Blum 3

BethAnne's picture

I was surprised by the SD's willingness to have the meeting with you, but it makes sense now as she was trying to get a vacation for her and her friends out of the situation.

I know you had a meeting with a solicitor this week, I hope you keep it to learn where you stand legally should you decide to separate in the future and to see if there is anything you can do in the mean time to improve your position. It will be worth it just so that next time if you are tempted to leave you know the situation, and will not be put off by unknowns.

Mrs Fireball's picture

That's what I thought too- SD agenda exposed. Mission Accomplished. Now SD gets a free vacation with her friends.

Livingoutloud's picture

I think the real issue is that he refuses to marry you. That's what you really upset about. Not other stuff. You just don't want to face the real issue

ldvilen's picture

This was covered earlier--my understanding is both were fine being not married. And, being married to your DH doesn't affect anything anyway. We all know that a SO of one year can be treated the same as a wife of 25-years, when it comes to relationships with bio-dad and being a SM.