You are here

SD getting married

Amanda van Dijk's picture

Dear step moms and dads 

I need some advice specifically from those dealing with difficult adult step children. I have been married for 6 years and my adult step children have been disrespectful and passive aggressive since the beginning. Things escalated in the last few months when they became overtly mean and hateful, they pick up fights with their father and go on and off with him to punish him for wanting us to stay together.  My husband acknowledged all of this and he finally sees them for who they are. He is astonished by their selfishness and doesn't know what to do.

Now his oldest is getting married and I am not invited. I find this very humiliating and hurtful specially because I did nothing to deserve this. I don't like the idea that my husband will be there without me, but I also hate the idea that he would miss her wedding. So I told him he can attend the wedding and that he doesn't have to worry about me, I did not want to be a part of this childish situation and honestly I don't want to be in a toxic surroundings and with people who are full of resent 

Now I doubt what I did, did I took the right decision? Is this the right thing to do in such situations? I don't think there would be a chance for us to have a relationship in the future, but how would that affect my marriage? Is there people here who had similar challenges and how did you deal with them ?
 

With love

Amanda

Winterglow's picture

NO! If you are not invited then he doesn't go. You are married and inviting only one of you is a shitty thing to do. And if your husband does go without you he is just giving his approval to your exclusion. So he'll miss his daughter's wedding? Big deal. She doesn't deserve to have him there. You are a couple and should be treated as such!

Amanda van Dijk's picture

Thank you for your reply

I guess I have been very empathetic and concerned about her feelings more than about the consequences of all of this on my marriage and mental wellbeing

Findthemiddle's picture

 You are damned if you do and damned if you don't.  The damage is done.   Even if he makes her invite you - do you really want to go?  If he goes without you is that a deal breaker for you?  If he doesnt go will all the drama surrounding that be worth it?   There is no good option in this situation.  How is your marriage otherwise?  I am so sorry you're having to deal with this.  In end, the sd's intent is to put a wedge between you and your husband - what does he say?

Amanda van Dijk's picture

Thanks for your reply 

I started to have my doubts when I saw the way he reacted when I told him he can go without me. He was relieved like he was hoping that I will not go and not have him to stand up for his marriage and ask why I was not invited. 

shamds's picture

Who doesn't want the drama of having to stand up for his wife and its easier to cave in to the skids.

it doesn't take much to resent men like this. It took me telling my husband i wanted a divorce as I wasn't going to tolerate the disrespect and shoved to the side like me and my kids with hubby didn't exist and everything expected to revolve around adult skids. 

he finally manned up and it took him a year before he confronted miniwife to remind her she was his daughter, not wife and therefore didn't get to answer back to me and disrespect me, it meant hubby has no interest in hearing anything about stepmum as its all irrelevant to him. 
 

yeah they sulked but even my husband has brains that caving into skids and pushing me to divorce is stupid because he won't find another woman like me and if our marriage ends, its not like skids will maintain a relationship with him so its bloody pointless caving into them.

I've wondered what would happen when skids marry, hubby has survived 12+ yrs of not seeing hobag hcgubm. A wedding would be a place for her and het psychotic family to cause a scene. Why would my husband torture himself with bio mums presence just so skids can fake 1 big happy original family when bio mum can't even behave??

Amanda van Dijk's picture

Thank you

You are describing the exact picture I am seeing right now

They just want him to be there for the wedding photos

tog redux's picture

I would do the same thing you did and tell him he can go alone ; however, I have no doubt my DH would refuse to go if I wasn't  invited. In fact, he would refuse anything that I wasn't invited to. 
 

Sounds like your DH has let them treat you with disrespect for years and not taken a stand.  That's where your real issue lies. 

Amanda van Dijk's picture

I have been shocked by his reaction to this all. He kept silent until I told him he can go without me. He did not even ask them why I am not invited. He played cool with the both sides and avoided any type of confrontation. Like he was planning to stay silent until a day before the wedding so that I can not do anything.

notarelative's picture

There is nothing you can do. This is DH's to deal with. 
The options are few and whatever DH chooses will color the future. If he acquiesces and you don't go, he is setting the stage for his invitation and your exclusion from future holiday and grandchildren events. 

If DH tells them he won't attend without you, he may be uninvited.

If DH tells them he won't attend without you, and you attend, it will be an awkward day. But, you can grit your teeth, smile, and get through it. 

The reality is that DH can either stand up for his marriage or decide his daughter is in charge. Whatever he does has consequences. DH has to decide which consequence he can live with. 

 

hereiam's picture

I think you did the right thing by telling your DH to go without you. Do you think he will go?

My DH would absolutely NOT go, however, my SD would never dream of not inviting me. She is not that stupid, nor that rude.

He is astonished by their selfishness and doesn't know what to do.

Really? What he should do, is stop allowing their blatant disrespect of you and HIM (yes, they are disrespecting him), and allow natural consequences. His kids are adults and know better, so should reap the consequences, just like anybody else who would pull this crap. If a friend of DH's invited him to something but you were purposely not invited, out of spite, would he go? Would he want to be around someone who hated his wife and picked fights with him as an excuse to punish him for getting married? He should be embarrassed by his daughter's behavior.

Regardless of SD's feelings about her dad's wife (because this is probably not about you, personally), one does not invite just half of a couple to a wedding. She should be the one who is humiliated; she is being very childish, disrespectful, and rude. I can't imagine who would want to marry her.

Bottom line is, what your husband allows, will continue. Of course, he loves his kids, but if they can't be supportive of his happiness, and inclusive of his wife, perhaps they need to take a backseat in his life. Their behavior will never change if they are not given a reason to change it. Does your husband have the backbone for that? To support his wife and demand respect for his marriage? They don't have to be buddy-buddy with you but they need to accept and respect the fact that you are his wife.

 

tog redux's picture

Yep. My SS would not ever invite DH and not me, because DH never allowed him to exclude me or treat me badly. In this case, it's been allowed for years, it seems.

2Tired4Drama's picture

Tell your DH this: He should tell SD that he doesn't like her soon-to-be husband and doesn't want her marrying him. Therefore, he won't be going to the wedding and in the future, he will not see SD unless she is alone and without her husband.

There.  How will that go over? Not very well, I guess. But your DH should see that this is the same thing that SD is asking HIM to do.  

See how the tables can be turned?

SacrificialLamb's picture

Yep. I had a similar incident once years ago, when DH was still 100% clueless (he is still semi-clueless).

The SD's wanted an Original Family Reunion, complete with OSD's DH, children, and YSD's SO.

I asked DH what the rest of the family will be doing while they have their Original Family Reunion. I could just hang out with OSD's DH and children, and YSD's SO.  After all, OSD's DH and children were not part of the Original Family,  and YSD had been married before so was her exDH going to be there too?

DH got the message and there was no reunion. 

 

ndc's picture

You did the right thing by telling DH he could go without you. He did the WRONG thing by being relieved and planning to go without you.  He is creating a pattern where his kids will now feel free to exclude you and expect him to show up without you.  It's sad that your DH is not willing to stand up for your marriage. 

Kes's picture

Any decent husband would refuse to go where his wife is not welcome, even to his daughter's wedding.  It is immaterial whether or not you would enjoy it or would prefer not to go - to me it is a matter of principal that your husband should not tolerate you being wilfully excluded in this horribly mean manner. 

AgedOut's picture

I read this and walked away before replying. 

I asked the Mr and he said I would never have known only he was invited because he would have said no the second he heard only him. We are a team, he could go alone but he wouldn't. 

Rags's picture

Make sure he understands that he can go without you but if that is his choice, his key will not work when he gets home from the event.

Kaylee's picture

It is rude and ignorant of SD to blatantly leave you out of the invitation.

Your husband should grow some balls and tell her he isn't going unless you are invited too 

FFS, you are his WIFE. Even if SD doesn't like you, she should be able to be polite and civil.

FWSM1964's picture

even though he discussed the situation with SD25 who confirmed that all other guests except him were allowed plus ones.  

He did tell his SD25 at the wedding how happy he is with me and how he misses not having me at the event, which met with her displeasure.

Her justification for no plus ones for her father and mother was that HCBM has no partner and hasn't dated in the 15 years since the date of separation.

At the time of the wedding, HCBM had hopes that my partner would go back to her so that they could play "happy family", hence no plus one.

As such, HCBM would feel very uncomfortable in my presence and being attached to her apron strings, SD25 could not disrespect her.

SD21 was also on board with this, while SD25 told her father that HCBM is really a nice person even if he no longer thinks so and that he should give her another chance.

It was SD25's wedding day, so I was relieved at not going. I do not ever have to meet her, play nice with her, or develop a relationship with her or her like-minded sister. I have disengaged fully. 

In fact, other than the wedding, my partner's daughters have refused to see their father since SD25's wedding, except for in passing, while they were living in the matrimonial home.

Because of HCBM's emotional manipulation of her children throughout their formative years, all of them felt guilty about meeting me. 

My partner's sons overcame their guilt after discussing the matter with their father, and we have socialized several times with their spouses.

They even told their father in confidence on a couple of occasions that I am great match for him and that they are glad that he has happily moved on with his life.

Earlier this year, the SD's moved out of the matrimonial home and it was sold 3-4 months later. HCBM moved over 800 miles away and finally agreed to the divorce.

Yet still, even in her physical absence, his daughters refuse to spend time with their father. They feel more connected to their spouses' families than to their own mother and father.

Who am I to deny him one rare day with them? I would do it again.

During the wedding weekend, my biokids and I visited my eldest son who was living 6 hours away at the time.  We had a blast as I made sure that I was not home alone wallowing in the injustice of being excluded.

I mentioned in a previous post that HCBM, SD25, and SD21 made snide remarks in the kitchen when first introduced to the girlfriends (now spouses) of SS33 and SS29, the latter of whom were sitting at the dinner table with my partner and his sons.

Imagine the remarks they would have made about me..and they don't even know me!  Keeping myself away from bitchy toxicity is my preference.

In fact, I had way more fun with my biokids than I ever could have had at SD25's wedding, which is fine with me.

Dogmom1321's picture

I hope DH isn't paying a DIME for this wedding if you are being treated this way.

So is this going to be the expectation moving forward? Excluding you from Thanksgiving, Christmas, grandchildren, etc?

 

Dogmom1321's picture

I hope DH isn't paying a DIME for this wedding if you are being treated this way.

So is this going to be the expectation moving forward? Excluding you from Thanksgiving, Christmas, grandchildren, etc?

 

Loxy's picture

That's a really good question - is your DH contributing to the wedding as that makes the slight (ie not inviting you) even more disgusting. 

CLove's picture

When SDnow22 refused to invite me to her high school graduation, thenSOnowDH refused to go. Her two favorite aunties, two favorite cousins, mom dad and sister all had tickets. She told him "there are no more tickets". He told her he wasnt going without me, period. His sister offered him her ticket, he refused.

Now hes thrown me under the bus many times since in different ways, but hes also had my back in many ways. And hes not a good communicator in many ways. But on this occasion he had my back. Guess what?

She got me a ticket and invited me. I went. It was miserable hot, hard bench no water. We enjoyed a nice lunch 3 hours later. She didnt appreciate a thing. But so what. It was established that I would not be left out unless they wanted to leave him out too.

I couldnt imagine my husband, despite his MANY flaws, would allow this to happen. He simply would not go.

Each of our situations are slightly different but the same issues keep cropping up. 

This isnt going to be the end, not by a long shot. My reccomendation is that you tell DH that in spite of you saying "go alone with my blessing", on thinking it over you changed your mind and do not give your blessing. You can quote some of the responses you got here - maybe THAT will get through to him...

Merry's picture

When my SD got married, she told DH it would be "too uncomfortable" if I were there so she wanted him to come by himself. DH and I talked about it--the precedent it would set, the control she would imagine she had, the tiptoeing around BM. HE decided I should go and that's what he told SD. This was a minor miracle, as DH doesn't ever TELL SD anything. He just knew how I felt about it and he went to bat for me.

But I didn't go to the rehearsal dinner, attend the photo session, etc. Just the wedding and reception, and we left mercifully early. Did I enjoy myself? No, but that's not why I was there. I will never forget walking out of the reception hall with DH. I was cold, he took off his suit jacket and put it around my shoulders, and his arm around my waist. He KNEW everybody could see us. Nope, not hiding this relationship.

Rags's picture

I would go with DH and if DH has a set of balls  he would march proudly into the event with his beautiful  bride on his arm.  Invited or not.  Rubbing their noses in their behavioral stench would be a regular event  if I were your DH.

smh

NYCEastside's picture

Tell DH that you have thought the situation over and changed your mind. She clearly doesn't want to invite you and DH is a coward in allowing this to happen. Dissucss it with DH. If I were you, I would go out and buy a fabulous dress, get my hair done, look drop dead gorgeous, and walk in on DH's arm - invited or not. . YOU are her father's wife. YOU and DH are a married couple. You are not a doormat. You don't have to like her and she doesn't have to like you but  but she has to grow up and learn how to be civil and respectful. This is somkething she should have learned from her parents (DH).  This event will set the course for the future. You are not a "nothing" in DH's life so don't be treated as such.

 

eminem's picture

I wouldnt go even if invited you will feel very uncomfortable been there but thats just me ,i have never been invited to anything that Sd 32 and 29 have even now they parents themselves and you think they woud grow up when they had their own children but no theyve hard a hard deal all their life me me me always about them ..My hubby has gone to his grandchildrens christening but he hates going he dreads gets all worked up and feels sick ,he goes to the church than to the afters for 1 /2 hrs than leaves he knows its all for show for the family photos .

The 1st granchild christening he went to the church and wouldnt get into photos with his ex so he left after the cermony eldest Sd wasent impressed and sent me abusive text messages that night fuelled with drink i let it go for that reason but when it started again the next day i called her out on it and she said i ruined her sons christening because her dad  wouldnt even get in a photo with her mother ..Like i wasent even there lol.

 

When she graduated i wasent allowed at that either as not enough( TICKETS) so i had to sit and wait in a pub until the cermony was over and guess what her mothers boyfriend was there ,they all arrived into the pub and we left and went to another pub and had a great night.

im married 16 years together 23 and this crap is still going on and always will because they never stop because they are ruthless and have no respect for anyone .

Miss T's picture

... even though I helped finance the turd's education. BM was behind disinviting me to the graduation, and I imagine that knowing my money financed her son's schooling put her nose even further out of joint than it already was. And no, I did not break up that marriage. She's just a typical BM. That DH went along with her bitchery still sticks in my craw.

I've smartened up considerable since then, and today I absolutely would not tolerate being disrespected this way. They will invite me to all future doings where spouses belong, as you, OP, belong at that wedding.

You get to decide whether to send them regrets because you're having your nails done that day.

MissTexas's picture

him showing up without you sends a clear message, that he WILL NOT SHOW UP WITH HIS WIFE IN THE FUTURE.

No! Take a stand. Tell him he is more concerned with pleasing his daughter than he is with pleasing his wife, and keeping his marriage happy.

If he sees how terrible they are, he would be willing to do what makes you happy. If you're happy, then HE'S HAPPY. 

Keep in mind he could just be feeding you lip service when he admits how terrible they are. Many do this to seemingly make it easier on them. I've said it before, and I'll say it again, playing both sides of the fence isn't good for your balls. If there are NO BALLS, then none to damage. Your DH, my dear, is a balless wonder.

Yes. So many people feel like interlopers in their own marriages. Like a concubine who is only played with when it's convenient for daddy. You ddin't get married so you could be on "house arrest" while he mingles with is FORMER FAMILY. 

Nope! Not EVEN AN OPTION!

SacrificialLamb's picture

These guys care about their comfort #1. Comfort means they will say anything to get themselves off the hook short term. When they get caught in a lie they told previously to get themselves off the hook, then they go into save themselves in the short term mode again.

ybarra357's picture

I wouldn’t attend a function I wasn’t invited to.  They could have security escort you out. Wouldn’t that be something?  I wonder what your DH would do if that happened?  Would he be OK with you been kicked out?  Would he leave with you?  Might be worth it to test him to see.  But could possibly be fun to cause a raucous at the wedding. I imagine the wedding videographer would film you getting the boot and maybe put it on FB, IG or Youtube.  LOL. 

Amanda van Dijk's picture

I wrote this here because all of this is impacting me so much and I sit at a turning point in my marriage. I have indured lots of passive aggressiveness, rejection and invalidation because of this. Here I am expecting to get advice and guidance which I got from lots of amazing wise people. Why would you mention the worst possibility and then laugh about it? What is so funny about people treated this way?

2Tired4Drama's picture

I really think ybarra was simply trying to inject some humor in this situation. Sometimes having a good laugh at the insanity of steplife is the only thing that can keep us sane! 

stepmomnorth's picture

Sorry to hear you are going through this. That seems pretty horrible for your husband only to be invited. I hope your husband will realize how bad that is and take a stand. It's setting a pretty bad example for the future if he attends without.. As if stating its ok to disclude you from events. You are a partnership, it's not a one person deal. I hope your partner realizes this, it's probably time for a frank discussion to let him know how you feel, letting him know that you feel hurt by this.

Loxy's picture

Most people avoid confrontation, it's human nature. However, we all have morals and values and need to decide when we take a stand and the fact that your DH is not willing to take a stand to demand respect for you (as his wife) would be a deal-breaker for me.

You sound like a lovely person and I think you deserve better than a cowardly man who doesn't have your back. 

Rags's picture

This is why if the OP attends with her DH, the toxic spawn is entirely unlikely to say a thing. Maybe dirty looks, whispers to their mate, etc... but... confronting the FOTBG/MOTBG or FOTBG's/MOTBG's spouse is generally not going to happen.

I am always team go looking radiant, beam on the mate's arm, overtly broadcast how happy we are, and dare anyone to saw a word. When they do, laugh heartily in their face and give them a "bless your sweet little heart" then get on with the event... happily.

Amanda van Dijk's picture

Because of you comments and contributions I have got lots of insight and I stood up for my self and my marriage. I will definitely wright an update soon.

Thanks everyone!

2Tired4Drama's picture

As I mentioned previously, ask your DH if he would dictate those same terms to his daughter:  In other words, Dh needs to tell her he does not like her future husband and he will not be attending the wedding. In the future, any visits with her will have to be without her husband.  Also, her husband cannot be included in any family events like vacations, holidays, birthdays, etc.

Let us know what his response is. 

Rags's picture

What a great idea.  Toxic failed family adult progeny could stand to have their noses rubbed in their toxic crap and applied to them and their own choice of mates.  See how  they like it when mommy or daddy parrot their own crap back at them.

"Realize that if you are disrespectful to my wife and do not include her, your DH is not included in any future family events.  My wife will be on my arm at every single family event. PERIOD! DOT! If you even wrinkle your brow at that, your DH will not be allowed at any family event. How do you like the smell of your own behavioral shit when your nose is rubbed in it?  Any questions? Buy-bye."

Adult kids need to realize that they need their parents far more than their parens need adult kids.

2Tired4Drama's picture

...but the general message is exactly the same, Rags!

DH to his DD:

"Suzy, I understand your wedding is very important to you. This is the day you will formally join with your soon-to-be DH who is the love of your life. While he may be the love of your life and your choice for a husband, you need to know I don't like him and want nothing to do with him. Therefore, in the future if you want to see me then you must leave your DH at home. Do not include him in any future family activities or events as he is not welcome. I will leave it up to you to tell him this." 

Rags's picture

To be fully honest, I would temper the wording a bit in direct conversation.

I like yours, with an add...... "...... I will leave it up to you to tell him.  Expect your new husband to be treated as you have been treating my wife for years.  Which ends now btw."