SD Coming next weekend
SD20 texted me last night....she wants to surprise her dad with a visit next weekend. She said they got their taxes done and have money to get new tires, which they need before making the trip....
She said there going to leave early in the afternoon to start the 4 hour drive. I let her know we may not be home yet because we both work. I'm surprised (but glad) DH hasn't offered her a key.
She doesn't work and the 3 of them live with BM...her husband works, but they blow through money like its water.
The way she said it kind of made me feel like she was hoping I'd offer her money for tires. Ummmm ....no.
She doesn't drive, but they have a car, a truck and a motorcycle. The vehicles are gas guzzlers and always need work done to them. They asked DH to borrower money for a used truck but DH declined by saying it didn't sound like a good deal. We'll give them money to help out with gas, and I don't mind doing that because it still saves us at least $400 by not going to see them. Plus I don't have to deal with the anxiety of being in the presence of BM and the strolls down memory lane she always starts.
I'm sure BM will be brought up, but I can deal with her better in conversation than in person!
I have tried to have a good relationship with SD20, and on the surface we get along, but its a very shallow relationship. She had made snide remarks and comments that insinuate that I'm not important and I don't matter. I have tried to bite my tongue, but I'm done doing that. My thoughts now are if you think you're grown up enough to call yourself an adult, be married and have a child of your own, then you are also grown up enough to face reality. I will speak up when I feel disrespected.
Having been a SD, my situation was very different with my SM, who at one time was my mom's best friend...she didn't cause the break up of my parent's marriage, but she started chasing my dad before I was even born. And she was the widow of my dad's cousin and therefore my stepsister were also my cousins....yeah...it was a mess, lol. But DH and I didn't know each other all those years ago when he and his 1st wife divorced. But I feel like SD resents that her parents aren't together and she probably feels like something has been stolen from her. But I am not responsible! Her relationship with her dad has improved since he's been with me. I encouraged that and helped facilitate it. She doesn't get it, though.
I think I've bent over backward and have done too much in the past and I need to stop. I've been trying to semi-disengage. She doesn't include me in her video calls anymore, but that was her doing. I just show up and participate...I can always slip off to the kitchen and find something to do if it gets to be too much.
I guess I'm steeling up my nerves before next weekend gets here.
You can say anything with a smile
Yes, definitely speak up if they are rude or insult you. You can keep it from getting too intense by regulating your tone and your expression. Take a deep breath, smile, and say what you need to say. You can mostly get away with saying anything as long you say it with a smile. For example "Well, its too bad you can't stay longer. I will show you both out. "
I'll be looking forward
To showing them out! After a wonderful visit, of course.
I think because she says it with a syrup-y smile is how SD has gotten away with saying things before, lol. But its a two-way street.
Oh fun times
Breathe hun. I remember the dread and anxiety before ex SD's visitation. For me the after effects were worse. I always thought well this time may not be so bad. Obviously I was wrong everytime.
Blast her with a smile if you must. No one has the right to walk into your home and disrespect you. If she dishes it out hope she can take it
YOU MATTER, and it matters how you are treated.
I hope your DH sees her antics and defends you. That is key to making it in step world.
Blessings
And let the games begin!
DH, SD and I have a group video text app (telegram) and at lunch she starts sending messages, and DH and I both responded and remarks how cute the baby is, Yada yada...
And everything SD says is directed at DH....getting the baby to say Papaw....and I said "she's talking so much! Maybe some day she'll say Grammy"
DH says "oh, yes! We'll have her saying it"
Then SD says "who do you want to talk to? Papaw? Tell papaw hi and what a good girl your are!"
I said "well, Grammy has had a great time talking to you, but I'm going to get back to work"
DH said "Grammy is the sweetest person to talk to"
SD continued to direct every to DH. And its fine. If that's what she wants, but if she doesn't want me involved, she will lose the benefits that come with me.
I am sure DH sees it. Especially based on his reactions. I do feel like he's hearing me and its sinking in over time. And I'm sooo glad for that.
If she treats me this way, like someone who just happens to be there...that's what she'll get. Nothing more.
And I will continue to speak up .DH has put her in her place a few times over the years...like when she made a tic tock video with pictures of her parents and then a mixing bowl and then her popping up saying "and that's how I was made".... He asked her if she was trying to hurt someone's feelings after I mentioned it to him.
It's just a weekend. And I can and will speak up and I can just as easily sit there as I can cook and clean up after them.
But you won't... right? Definitely sit there.
You can cook and clean up after them.... but you won't.... right?
Take care of you.
No more
Thanks to the support (especially your words!) and reading the experience of other step lifers here, I feel strong enough to sit my a$$ down with a smile.
Hungry? Ok, sure. I enjoy cooking, but if they can't help clean up, then I won't be cooking again because I'm not hired help. Wanna go out? Sure...after helping clean up from the meal for 7 that I made.