O/T - When a spouse dies ...
Just curious what others may think about the length of time to grieve after the death of a spouse before getting involved in another relationship. Grief is obviously very personal and each situation is different. Some of you here may actually be married to widows/widowers and have first-hand experience.
The reason I bring it up is I know of two instances of friends who have died and then their spouse remarried within (what I consider) a short period of time. In both cases the surviving spouse was male and in their 50's. There were no children (adult or otherwise) in either home.
In one instance, the wife had a serious illness, recovered for a while, and then had a relapse and eventually succumbed. The husband was remarried within one year's time.
In the second case, the wife was involved in a deadly car accident while on the way to work. Within three months time, the husband had met someone and was "planning his future" to include selling the home and traveling the world with his new girlfriend.
I truly do not mean to be judgmental, because everyone's experience is different, and there certainly very valid reasons for going on with one's life. Sometimes, especially with long illnesses, the couple already has done a "long goodbye" and when death actually comes, it frees the remaining spouse who may move on quickly.
Maybe it has to do with the age of the widower? Perhaps they feel they need to move quickly, as life is precious and they need to get whatever joy they can?
It's difficult to think that someone spent so many years of their life with their spouse, and can then be (seemingly) left behind as nothing more than a memory. I also wonder how well these new relationships fare, and if residual effects show up later.
Somehow when I hear these stories I am a bit saddened - especially ones where the couple has been together for decades.
That's an interesting
That's an interesting perspective - about how difficult the loss is when it HAS been a good marriage. I guess for some people they need to fill the void with another person. Others, who may be more comfortable alone, may take longer and use that time for reflecting on memories of their life together. They may not feel the need to move on more quickly.
I can't describe it better.
I can't describe it better.
My own theory is men need
My own theory is men need women way more than women need men. Their wife was probably their entire universe (outside of work), she took care of the house, the cooking, the laundry, kept him company in his spare time. Men are lost without their women.
On the other hand, when the male spouse dies, the woman is like "yay! freedom from cooking, cleaning, laundry, and the soul sucking spouse that has no interests outside of following her around.
Tounge in cheek, but probably fairly close to the truth.
You have a point about the
You have a point about the domestic aspect of it. In some cases men do want/need to have a woman in their life to keep the home fires burning, so to speak. I also wonder about the "new" women who come along - how do they feel about stepping in to the void so quickly? You often hear anecdotal stories of the widower who is innundated with caring casserole brigades of single women looking to help out, so I guess there are enough of them who don't find it a problem!
"Now there's no one to tell
"Now there's no one to tell me what to do anymore!"
^^^^^^^^^^
This will be my grandmother, and while she loves my grandfather she is plain sick of his *hit and will say if she had known he was going to turn out like this she would have never married him. He is very demanding and demeaning in his old age, it is actually cumbersome on the whole family at this point.
I don't think she will remarry when he passes because she will just want to be left the hell alone but if she passes first he will probably remarry asap. He has never cooked, she does his clothes shopping, washes his clothes, presses his clothes, she makes sure he takes his pills and without her he would be as helpless as a child. Their marriage is a very old school marriage where he is the boss and she needs to do what he says.
I think some people just can't be alone, I am not that person, I love to be alone but I have other friends who simply HAVE to have a man in their lives constantly and I get that they are just different than me in their needs.
Yesterday I was at a balloon
Yesterday I was at a balloon releasing ceremony for a friend who had passed way from cancer a week and 1/2 ago. Her husband came across as a strange duck anyway but I was stunned at what came out his mouth. He talked about his wife, going on about how organized and in control she was. Then he said he was concerned because he would be inundated with women - and he went on and on. one woman finally informed him that many single women are satisfied to remain single. What really floored me was not once did he say he loved his wife.
I can make no judgements about this man since I didn't know him and did not know the history he and his wife shared. He seemed a bit stoic, strong emotions might have been a threat to him so he had to present himself as cool.
It DID get me thinking about how my DH would act if he was placed in the same situation. I hope he will be respectful of my memory.
I have the same thoughts, to
I have the same thoughts, to be honest, Sandye. When I heard about these instances, I also thought, "If something happened to me, would my SO quickly move on?" I certainly wouldn't want him to be alone the rest of his life, and definitely would want him to be happy. But I also wouldn't want him jumping into something else so quickly it would seem as though our entire life together was inconsequential. Nor do I think that it would be fair to the woman; I would not want him to possibly hurt someone else by not entering into it without a clear heart. I would hope he would first do whatever grief work he needed then move on.
I guess I'm looking at it through my own personal lens. If something happened to him, I can't imagine meeting someone and being seriously involved in a few months or a year's time. But you never know until you've lived the experience.
Maybe some of those old "traditions" like mourning a year had some value - it made people spend some time reflecting on their loss, and resolving it, before moving on.
"Maybe some of those old
"Maybe some of those old "traditions" like mourning a year had some value - it made people spend some time reflecting on their loss, and resolving it, before moving on." It is an individual thing but you bring up a good point of waiting a bit before committing to a new relationship. It took almost a full year to feel grief of my Sister's death in February of last year, then it hit me like a ton of bricks at Christmas. I also think this holds true in a divorce. I've known so many people who have gotten married shortly after the divorce - and in most cases they needed to resolve issues that should have been dealt with before getting married again.
As I wrote, I just hope my DH respects my memory enough to not bring up the negative stuff right away like my friend's DH did.
"He did not love her...and
"He did not love her...and had his exit strategy planned...she died suddenly...he was ready to start dating about a month after she died...What we have together is so perfect and it would not have happened had she not died."
This just sounds creepy and fishy to me. No wonder the poor woman was unhappy, maybe she knew DH wanted to take her out. Sheesh, how about a little respect for the deceased. Before that DH's mentally ill mother dies suddenly. I see a weird pattern of men whose wives die suddenly in this family. If I were you I'd watch my back.
Wow, lot to think about OP.
Wow, lot to think about OP. I agree with the poster that wrote we just don't respect the loss of loved ones like we use to. After the mourning period, a male wore a black arm band that signaled the major loss and was a signal for others, even strangers, to treat him gently and though not mentioned, to understand if he acted tense, distracted, even a tad mean during the grieving process. The grieving process lasted a year.
Today, oh today, everything is done so fast. Our employers give us off 3 days for funeral and that is about that. Once over things go back to normal, except the bereaved who struggles with the grief silently as most no longer care. Society has become so callous about so many things.
Now, I also agree with the poster who said that men need women more than women need men. That is a fact! Men live longer when they are married because we women take care of them.
I think a year before dating is appropriate. Of course with elderly men, they are the minority with all kinds of widows, divorcees, and gold diggers available. Being alone can be difficult for men or women.
That's not always true. My
That's not always true.
My exHs great grandfather married his dead wife's sister one month after she passed. He had a 1.5 year old and she was 25 or 26, an old maid in those days. They went on to have 6 or 7 more kids.
My own grandparents were married 6 months after his first wife died in child birth. They didn't know each other when he was married. They met on a blind date and got married very quickly.
Each situation is different but I don't think a year of mourning is the norm everywhere.
Havent been on in awhile but
Havent been on in awhile but do check this site out from time to time. I saw this topic and figured I would give my 2 cents.
I married a widower, a year after his wife passed away. I didnt know her and from what I understand she was a wonderful person. When my husband asked to get married I asked him are you ready to try and make a new life, he assured me he was. We got along great, the first 6 months. After that it became a living hell for me. His adult kids for one. His adult kids were so use to getting everything they wanted and never having to buy anything because daddy did it all. They thought I was here to take something away from them, I wasnt. His son n law wanted me to do a prenump I had know problem with that but my husband said know when 2 people over each other there is no need for it. My life became a living hell.
I was a very nice person before i came into this family, friends use to tell me you are to nice and that nice people like you dont make it in this world, at the time when I was told this I thought your out of your mind.
They were right. I'm now a bitch. I dont kiss there ass anymore, I dont go to there house and its been over a year since they have been here and im so fine with it.
If i never saw them again it would be a blessing. I cant tell you how many times they have tryed to break us up, and my husband never wanted to here it.
I have been married 8 years, I have lisened to him talk about his wife and the things they did over and over and over. I cant get him to do anything with me. Mind you all these years I have lisened, I now change the conversation. I hope he gets the point. I did not marry him to here about his wife over and over. Im not trying to be a bitch but im tired of being a 3rd wheel.
If I could go back in time knowing what I know now I would have never married.
Know one here has any idea of the HELL i went though with this family, I stayed and will stay because I gave up everything to become his wife. Does he treat me like his wife NO. more like a care taker and dog sitter and to take care of his home. The home we live it that his adult kids dont want me in.
I guess I will stop here because I could write a book on this... If your thinking about marrying a widower with ADULT BRATS run for the hills it wont work, save yourself the heart acke
My mother lost my father when
My mother lost my father when she was 58. She is now 76 and never remarried or even dated. She said she had already had the best so there was no point. I wish she would have dated. She lives a very lonely life and I have carried guilt to make her life better. I have taken her on every vacation I have been on since my father passed away
Whenever I go out to eat I always ask her to come. She wasted almost 20 years being alone and lonely..and I spent 20 years trying to make it easier on her 
Done, it's not your fault.
Done, it's not your fault. Your mother chose not to date / remarry. Stop letting it run your life
Lady, I am trying ever so
Lady, I am trying ever so slowly to pull away and put distance between us. It doesn't help that I made the decision to buy a house 3/10's of mile from her right after my father passed. She had to have 4 hip replacement surgeries due to infections and incompetent doctors so I had to help her with everything for the past year. Even getting dressed every morning and showering. She is finally able to do these things for herself so I am beginning my distancing but I feel so guilty
I don't know how many more years she will have and pulling away now is killing me. Ugh, I want my life back though...
Done, I do think it sounds
Done, I do think it sounds like you are trying and I'm thinking that finding a companion may not be so easy for her given her condition. Can she afford in-home assistance for her medical needs? As your mother, I would think taking a piece of your life away would bother her to some degree and she wouldn't want you to feel this way
I feel bad for you...
Comment removed do to too
Comment removed do to too much personal information.
I would hope my SO, Takes the
I would hope my SO, Takes the time to cherish the memories before creating new ones with someone else.
The thought of another woman with all my stuff, sickens me to the point that I want an Egyptian funeral.
I understand I have no control, but i consider it to be a most direspectful, dismissive action to replace a person so quickly and callously either after death or dissolution of a relationship.
Just my feelings, right or wrong, I think it devalues all the person was in life and to the relationship they shared.
That's kind of how I view it,
That's kind of how I view it, too SimplyB. I would hope that my SO would spend time reflecting on our lives together, taking time to deal with his grief, and then move on with a clear heart and mind. It is better to be alone with memories for awhile, IMO, than to jump right into another relationship with someone else. But - each case is different. This is just how I view it. Maybe it's because I am not afraid to be alone at all, and at times in my life I've lived alone for years. Being alone does not mean you must be lonely. I also would not want to be involved with another person just to assuage my own grief as I don't think that's fair to them.