I've been to 2 marriage counselors with my DH. They both said marriage comes first because the kids will grow up and move away.

So, the marriage should always come first. I believe in this as well. The marriage is, after all, the foundation and all homes need to be built on a solid foundation.

AGREE! Putting the marriage first is not about being a bad parent! It is about not letting the kids control your life.

Children do better in a single parent home than they do in a step-parent home. Studies consistently show they are better adjusted and do better in school. Think about it. This person replaces your mother/father and biology/instinct tells you they are a threat. I can only imagine the countless step-homes and step-children lives destroyed by re-marriage.

The conclusion is to not remarry until the kids are out of high school. Date and have overnight guests if the kids are gone but make sure they leave no traces of their visit and wash both the wine glasses.

This makes the priorities simple.

Both are my priority.

The marriage/relationship should be the priority, regardless of previous status (widow/widower/single parent/etc.). The couple should be a positive example and should be teaching the kids/skids how to treat each other in a solid, stable love relationship.

However, the needs (not wants, cell phones, fads, jobs, whining, etc.) of the kids will come first from time to time. They are dependent upon the adults in their lives to provide food, clothing and shelter and to make them feel safe. Adults should be setting boundaries and rewarding good choices and setting consequences for bad choices.

That is my Pollyanna view of the situation.

You cannot have a 50/50 relationship with your SO and your kids. It doesn't work that way (trust me, mine nearly failed because my H decided to play this game). One or both will suffer and you'll be left alone at some point. Sure you'll be a considered either a good wife/husband or a good parent. But unless a person is willing to commit themselves fully to their SO, and then to your kids, then the relationship will ultimately fail.

I'm not saying ignore the kids or push them aside or not see to their needs. I'm simply saying if you don't make your relationship the priority and then attend to the kids, the chances of the relationship being successful is fairly low. And even worse, the kids will grow up without a good example of a successful relationship and they will not understand how to have a true, supporting, loving relationship with someone else.

The marriage/partners come first and are always the priority. As equity life partners the couple are also equity parents to any children in their marital home regardless of the biology of the kids.

Raising the children is the top responsibility but never the top priority. The marriage always is and should be the top priority for the partners in the marriage. If not, the couple may as well plan on a divorce at some point.

My father told me when I was a teen to never put him in the position of having to choose between his wife and me. His wife is my mom but the message is clear and applies regardless if the marriage is a first, second, third, etc, or if the partner is a new one due to divorce, death of a spouse, etc.......

Regardless of what Dr. Laura says the marriage comes first. PERIOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I was widowed when my kids were 3 and 5. I remarried, and yes, steplife was rough and I'll admit there were times my kids were resentful of my DH.

However, I see it like one of those giant scales... to keep things finely balanced, you need to watch/attend to each "side" -- sometimes one side more than the other, sometimes less. If you "choose a side" the scale will go off balance. So neither is your sole priority, both are, just at different times, for different amounts, and different reasons.

Just my waxing philosophical here.

I agree with B22S22. I had two marriages and have to DD 16 & 12. The comments above are correct, they are being raised happy and healthy kids even if I was widowed 7 years ago. While I was dating last year I saw they had to compromise their comfort zones, makes sascifices only because they love me and want me to be happy. Yes, I had to keep things balanced....between my fiance and kids. But in my case, kids need came first as there is nobody to help out with and when all was done, I told them....now you leave me alone...it is mommy time and I gave full attention to him. Although it was a lot for me handle some days but it was doable.

Only if I knew I am dating a disney dad with mini wife syndrome....I wouldn't have wasted a sec of my time on him (started a new topic yday - broke up with....).

So my opinion is for a widow, if your kids are very young...the chances of a blended family is good if there is no drama from DH side, otherwise wait till they graduate from HS and move away.

In the meantime having fun is highly suggested!!

As a widow with two kids who has also remarried, I believe the marriage comes first. In my first marriage, the marriage was not first. My complaint was usually that I felt like I was somewhere around 4 or 5 on his list. After his job, kids his family and sometimes friends. We were good parents to our kids but not all that happy in our marriage. Of course it is impossible to know how much of the unhappiness was because of his mental illness. We were actually considering separating when he died.

At the time of his death, BS had just graduated high school. BD was a Sophmore. I met DH soon after. I had planned to wait to introduce DH to my kids until I thought they were ready. It ended up being sooner than I had planned. BD didn't like the idea of me having friends that she didn't know. She wanted to meet him. Three years later and two months after BD graduated from HS, we were married. We didn't wait because we were waiting until BD graduated. I never considered graduation to be a cut off date where my kids would no longer need me. I did avoid the month of her graduation along with several other dates where we had commitments that were important to us.

There is no arbitrary age or milestone, like high school graduation, that will make this easier on your kids. Losing a parent is hard at any age. I wanted to crawl into a hole and be left alone. As the surviving parent that wasn't an option. I had to show my kids that life goes on. Many of my friends and family were not supportive of the marriage. They thought I was doing something wrong or hurting my kids. The ironic thing is that my kids and my late husbands family have been the most supportive.

My remarriage is not what hurt the kids. Their father's death is what hurt them. No matter what I do as a mother, I will never replace their father. DH will never replace their father. The kids see my remarriage as a good thing. They treat DH with respect and DH treats them with respect. He's not their father and doesn't try to be. He respects the memory of my first husband. We talk about him openly in our home.

I am widowed and believe my marriage comes first and the kids come second. If your marriage isn't happy, then your kids are not happy. Besides, the kids grow up and then it is just you and your spouse, you need a good solid marriage.

I'd say it's much the same whatever route led to the kids being there (bio, step-, adopted, etc). The whole reason marriage ever existed is because humans reproduce sexually (one of the few topics where both left- and right-wing sociologists agree!). Of course there are childless marriages, either by intent or because nature worked that way, but they are, so to speak, along for the ride on an institution which developed primarily to facilitate bringing up children and transferring property between generations. Coming from that starting point, a 'the marriage vs the kids' conflict is a non sequitur. If you want your spouse's happiness then you want the kid's happiness too: each will promote the other.

My marriage would not of lasted the 34 years it has.

We come first allways. I have tried to explain this to my divorced SD43,

That she loves her children but is not in Love with them. No relationship will survive the test of time

without being first for each other.

Good Luck Warm Regards Jake