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Non-step related ~ Best Friends Husband talking to his best friends widow

Sandybeaches's picture

Question~ I am on the fence here...

My best friend has called a few times this week very upset.  Her husband's best friend died suddenly a few months ago and her husband has been talking with his widow lately.  He didn't really know her to well before his friend died but since his death he has  called her to offer to help out with anything she might need and has just listened to her cry and talk.  So first he is not the only one of the guys friends that calls to check on the widow others do also.  However my friend is a little bothered because he listens to this woman cry but isn't all that great at listening to her.

So I kind of think that my friends husband just misses his friend and so does his widow and he is just checking on her because he knows his friend would do the same.  However the other side of me says it may start out innocent but the widow in a Vulnerable state could become attached and her husband may not even see that or he could become attracted to her vulnerability.  It is a tuff call but I do think it is innocent.  What are your thoughts and how would you feel if your husband did this?  

notsurehowtodeal's picture

Your friend is right to be concerned. This is a dynamic that can lead to an affair. After 911 there were a number of firefighters who left their wives for the widows of fallen firefighters.

I can see where it would bother your friend that while he won't listen to her, he will listen to the widow of his friend. That would bother me as well. Could she also reach out to the widow? Maybe if she and her husband spent time with the widow together, it would cut down on the one-on-one phone calls?

Sandybeaches's picture

Very good advice and relevant information.  I think I remember seeing it at that time.  

As I said I was on the fence about it and that is why I put it out here because I appreciate the opinions of others on this site.  We deal with the hard issues and I knew I could get some sound opinions thank you!! 

As of now it has only been a few phone calls but plans from him to go and help her with a few things.  He and some of the other friends are all vowing to keep her included but to be honest from what she said my friend and her husband never socialized with these people her husband and the guy were friends they weren't friends as couples. 

I appreciate the input because I didn't want to be the one to say something if others thought it was innocent 

still learning's picture

Your bff's husband should not be playing therapist to this widow.  He's done his part as any good friend would but he is a married man and boundaries need to be set.  I like the suggestion of both of them going over to check on her and if she wants to talk he can hand the phone to his wife or have her on speaker.  Ideally she needs to see a therapist to help her process her grief if she feels overwhelmed and unable to function.  The husband should refer her to a local grief counselor and hopefully she'll get the gentle hint that he's not available for that position anymore.  

We've all seen the soaps and movies where these situations of someone of the opposite sex offering comfort goes too far.  She is vulnerable and he is the knight in shining armour "coming to her emotional rescue..." (Rod Stewart lol)  

Sandybeaches's picture

Yes that is so true and good point.  I too like the idea of them seeing her together.  That way if it is all innocent the widow would still have someone to help her out and be friends with people conncected to her husband

Lifer33's picture

But id be reminding him that she must have her own friends and family and perhaps nows the time to step away a bit. 

nappisan's picture

Im sorry but i feel differently about this ,,,i think your friend needs to tread carefully here with how she approaches this .  Why cant your friend also go with her husband when he goes to help the widow and offer support too????    I am a widow myself ,, i lost my husband in a car accident.  My husband and his best friend were extremely close,, after he died ,, the best mate would contact me daily,,, this was nothing more than two people who dearly loved the same person and  by her husband communicating and offering to help the widow with things, is his way of honouring his best mate,, it actually has nothing to do with the 'vunerable' widow herself.   I too found myself in the situation you are describing,, the mates would offer to help with things around the property,,, well never again,, as i had numourous angry wives send me nasty text messages and phonecalls telling me to stay away from their husbands  .......the last thing on my mind was to 'steal' or get involved with someone elses husband ,,,after all id just lost my own and wouldnt wish that upon anyone.   I still felt married but all of a sudden i was made to feel like a predator and stopped getting invited to things by the circle of so called 'friends'.  Nothing is worse than when everyone has finished their greiving and continues on with daily life and forgets that your mearly existing day to day and trying to find a new path through the mess.  I think your friend needs to put her own insecurity aside about this,, if she is worried,, there is nothing stopping her being apart of the support system. I wish the wives of my husbands mates were a support instead of becoming a pack of nasty mean girls,,, what if the situation was reversed    

Rags's picture

It must be crap.

The obvious thing to me is why did he have no interface with this woman before his BFF died, and suddenly he is her confidant and shoulder to cry on?  It may all be perfectly innocent, however, it smells.  

I would recommend that your friend lock up all of the assets, get the best lawyer in town, and make it clear to her DH that his being another woman's confidant violates his vows to their marriage and it ends now. Or... his own marriage ends.

I get the desire to comfort this woman, but... not at the cost of his own marriage or any cost at all to the peace of mind of his own wife.

This is crap.  He needs his nose rubbed in it with the exclamation point of a firm swat to his rump.  Figuratively of course.