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Dear Abby Blows It Again...

2Tired4Drama's picture

Submitted by 2Tired4Drama on Tue, 02/21/2023 - 11:52am

Forums: 
Adult Stepchildren

DEAR ABBY: I am a widow who has been in a long-term relationship with a widower. I am concerned about his relationship with his 27-year-old daughter. She wants time with him, excluding me, and he encourages it and hides it from me. Most recently, they traveled out of state together and he didn't tell me. I think this is abnormal and I find it confusing. He says she has anxiety and needs to spend time with him. Should I be concerned? -- EXCLUDED IN OHIO

DEAR EXCLUDED: If your gentleman friend and his daughter have to smuggle their times together past you, there is a reason. The reason may be that you seem to disapprove of him spending alone time with his daughter. He shouldn't have to explain or make excuses for it. He's the only parent she has left. If you and he are able to have ample private time to keep your relationship flourishing, I see no reason for concern. If you can't accept that they are a package deal, find another gentleman friend.

---

Boy, oh boy.  I am QUITE certain that those of us on STalk can fill in the blanks behind this one!   

The think I find most aggravating part is Dear Abby automatically and assuredly applies the stepparent stereotype that the LW (letter writer) has done something wrong. HAS to be the LW's fault, right? 

Of course, there is zero mention of whether or not SD has overstepped boundaries, plays victim/anxious, interferes with the couple's relationship, manipulates her father, purposely excludes LW from activities, bad mouths LW to her father and others, refuses to speak to LW, or is flat-out rude and confrontational. 

Abby also says father and daughter are still a "package" deal, even though she's 27 years old!

If you could have answered this, based only on what LW stated, what would your reply to her have been?

 

 

 

 

 

SeeYouNever's picture

Submitted by SeeYouNever on Tue, 02/21/2023 - 12:51pm

So The boyfriend is lying about his whereabouts and being sneaky, and enabling his daughter suffering from some sort of mental illness by sneaking around instead of telling her to go to therapy but it's the letter writer who is in the wrong.

She seriously said that he shouldn't have to explain himself when he disappears for days at a time and doesn't tell her where he's going or who he's with. Seriously. I mean dear Abby how do we know he is actually with his daughter and not with some other woman?

Thanks for sharing this there are so many layers and possible messed up directions!

 

Stepdrama2020's picture

Submitted by Stepdrama2020 on Tue, 02/21/2023 - 1:00pm

Run. If your BF is dishonest to you, and hides the fact he is on vacation with his adult DD, then frankly he is not only a liar but a creepy one at that. To learn more about these toxic, enmeshed, dysfunctional relationships look up steptalk.org. Here you will find so many bright, talented, beautiful survivors of such relationships, and their nightmares they have endured.  Signed Dear Abby    Wink

 

Olivia2020's picture

Submitted by Olivia2020 on Thu, 03/02/2023 - 1:25pm

It's not normal and not ok...I've seen it when it was flaunted in my face, who knows what goes on when no one is around on their secret rendezvous!

Kaycee's picture

Submitted by Kaycee on Tue, 02/21/2023 - 1:25pm

...your response is PERFECT! 

There is no reasonable explanation for a man to travel with his daughter and keep it a secret from his partner. Unless perhaps they are going to pick up an expensive, thoughtful, suprise gift for his partner in appreciation for all she endures.  

 

ndc's picture

Submitted by ndc on Tue, 02/21/2023 - 1:34pm

Well, her ultimate advice - if you can't accept that they're a package deal, find another gentleman friend - is correct.  No one in their right mind accepts a man and his adult daughter as a "package deal," and this woman needs to put her fastest sneakers on and RUN from her sneaky, lying, enabling BF.

Rumplestiltskin's picture

Submitted by Rumplestiltskin on Tue, 02/21/2023 - 1:57pm

I realize that all families are different, but the adult kids who need tons of alone time with their parents is a foreign concept to me. My mom has passed about 2 years ago, and though the thought of seeing my dad with someone new is uncomfortable, it isn't because i am afraid of it cutting into our alone time. Maybe it's a cultural thing, but the only person i've ever felt the need, as an adult, to have "alone time" with is an intimate partner. We have Sunday dinner twice a month with my dad, my sister, all the kids, and any significant others are invited. I talk to my dad on the phone about 5 times a week. But extended alone time? Weird to me.   ETA it sounds like codependency to me. 

ESMOD's picture

Submitted by ESMOD on Tue, 02/21/2023 - 1:58pm

I mean.. if the OP was having an occasional lunch with his daughter and not making a point to tell his SO because his SO and daughter did not like each other.. or if the SO was trying to cut him off from his daughter.. that is one thing.. but going on an out of state trip with someone without telling your SO feels like a big deception.

I mean.. yes.. his daughter will always be his daughter.. and you can even say that he has a right to have a relationship with her.. even if it may be separate from the one with his partner.. as long as it isn't to the point where his partner is getting an overly short end of the stick.. 

I think it's probably more likely that Abby tried to tell the LW that there was little chance of changing the relationship with the father/daughter.. so at that point.. she could accept it.. or leave.  It doesn't mean that what the dad did in hiding the trip was right.. or that even the extent of enmeshment with his daughter is healthy.. but that it is what it is.. and sometimes we do have to accept that the dynamic is dysfunctional and that we can't be happy in that space/relationship.

la_dulce_vida's picture

Submitted by la_dulce_vida on Tue, 02/21/2023 - 4:17pm

How insulting of Dear Abby!!! How dare she imply that HIM sneaking is because his girlfriend hasn't been accepting of his enmeshment with his daughter.

If the daughter is that much of a mess that she needs her father to sneak away on vacation with her, she needs therapy.

But men are also dumb. (okay some men) They think that hiding something is a good way to not piss off their partner, but, in fact, is a GREAT way to piss off your partner when they find out you're sneaking around.

My partner of almost 4 years (also a Widower) used to hide the fact he spent time with his (now 34 year old) daughter but it was because I didn't approve of them getting shit-faced drunk when they would hang out. So, in actuality, what he was hiding was getting drunk. I finally pointed out to him that if he was SO worried about his daughter because of her depression over her mom's death, getting drunk with her was REALLY irresponsible because alcohol would further depress her.

He's learned that he has my FULL support for spending time with his daughter and he's more open about their time together. But he has also taken steps to stop the heavy drinking with her. Their visits are much more sober and normal, now.

Kona_California's picture

Submitted by Kona_California on Tue, 02/21/2023 - 6:46pm

Since when is it encouraged for a husband to travel out of state and not tell his wife? That is never OK no matter the situation. 

Abby's response is incredibly slanted. Sure, MAYBE the LW might make it difficult for her DH to be open, but that is total speculation. And even if that was true, just because it might be difficult to communicate doesn't excuse his choice. I do think that the SD is entitled to spend time with her dad, and the dad is allowed to spend time with his daughter, but it's highly concerning that they feel the need to lie to the wife and spend so much time away it involves crossing state boarders. 

There is such negative regard for step parents in the media and this is making it worse!

shamds's picture

Submitted by shamds on Tue, 02/21/2023 - 11:26pm

For 5.5 yrs that when they reconnected and contacted hubby, we were already married 3.5 yrs with 2 toddlers. My husband has been firm on the fact that we are his priority and responsibility and take precedence over skid wants.

that if we plan an outing and skids want xyz then its sorry because they can't be civil and respectful or pleasant to be around. Hubby feels that at their ages of sd27, sd17 that they should be more independent and not require as much 1 on 1 time as me (his wife) or our 2 young kids. They need to be out in the world becoming independent self sufficient adults. 
 

i don't find any man taking off with his adult daughter interstate and not telling his significant other as very much an appealing man or catch

reedle2021's picture

Submitted by reedle2021 on Thu, 02/23/2023 - 1:21pm

Stepdrama2020 - You nailed it!  Smile

I also agree that this LW should run from this situation.  This man will forever be enmeshed with his adult daughter - the LW will never have any happiness in the relationship.  Her boyfriend's adult daughter sounds like a mini-wife!  And also, if this 27 year old woman has such anxiety that she needs her daddy, that's a problem - she needs some serious psychotherapy.  Her dad deserves to have a life and a partner - he doesn't deserve to be manipulated into spending every single second of his life appeasing his daughter.  How selfish of her.  Abby completed missed the mark on this one and any step parent knows it.   

Winterglow's picture

Submitted by Winterglow on Thu, 03/02/2023 - 2:07pm

Does this woman really believe that the 27 yo is his daughter?

There is none so blind ...