OSD mistreating DH because she did not get her way!
So further to my last post about OSD and DH's sister deliberately planning YSD's bridal shower on DH's birthday (so "we" could all just go out for Dh's birthday dinner afterwards - the 'we' being another 'surprise' appearance of BM at it of course) well I figured there would be repercussions for DH & I as a result of DH saying no that would not be happening
Well there certainly was
OSD gave DH the same treatment she gives me every year on my birthday - nothing! No phone call, not even a text, and sadly no phone call from SGS either.
This hurt DH a lot
And DH's sister also did not call him, which again is something they do for the "family" (never for me of course) she just sent him a text message
So, DH was treated exactly like, well, me! Like he is not family, doesn't matter, and they could care less
DH is just so fed up because they, especially OSD, had already crossed the line on so many levels....she had informed everyone in DH's family that "we" would all just get together for his dinner right after YSD's shower. We meaning BM too of course. She obviously knew neither DH or I would be comfortable with that, but even BM aside, OSD had not so much as even checked with DH or I if that night was good for a get together. No consideration that "we" (as in DH & I) might have plans, she didn't even tell us directly that "we" would be going out for his dinner then - she told the rest of the family, so they could simply 'inform' us that that was what we were doing!! She told everyone else so they could let us know what WE (DH & I) were doing!
That takes such nerve! To think that she his daughter can dictate when, where and how he & I will celebrate his birthday rather than he and me, you know, his WIFE. And to have tried to sneak in BM to the dinner on top of it all - especially after DH recently made it clear he was not happy with those situations - is totally over the top
And because DH rightfully stood up to her, she refused to so much as call him on his birthday, and withheld SGS from doing the same
Even DH is disgusted with her behaviour and is admitting that something is definitely wrong with her
She can't seem to get that she does not call all the shots in our life, and she probably can't stand the fact DH's response was that he was spending that night with his WIFE and that was that
Consider yourself lucky if
Consider yourself lucky if she snubs you and DH. Look upon this as a favor instead of punishment. Eventually your DH will get sick of the game and quit trying like my DH did when SD shunned him. Her loss.
Yes he is down right now,
Yes he is down right now, very disappointed in her, I would not be surprised if DH really did withdraw from her to some extent. It is what she needs. Later this week should be interesting, everyone is supposed to be here for dinner for the 'family dinner' for DH's birthday...I think DH will be paying lots of attention to YSD (which OSD hates) and lots of attention for OSD...not so much!
I agree with this one .
I agree with this one .
Have you told all family you
Have you told all family you two are going out after and you will be doing family celebration later in week?
Well, now he sees who she
Well, now he sees who she really is. Hopefully.
Good job when your DH set his
Good job when your DH set his own dinner date with you. That's a good sign, I would let him handle it and be silent.
It's a CONTROL issue of course. My SD can't stand "not" to be in control, even in conversation. She finishes sentences for people, etc., drives me crazy; the grandkids can't even talk for themselves.
My SD also mistreats DH, since he chose to come back home a year ago, after I booted him to her house to live. After a few weeks we decided to work thru our problems; he hated living with SD, so my point was made. She drives by our home every day to go to town; she never stops, even if I'm not home. She texts DH once about every 10 days, and maybe sees him twice a month; yes, she is mad at him. I have been disengaged for six years; this suits me fine, but it does hurt DH.
Guess what? It is his problem! DH mentioned it one day; my reply: "I didn't raise your rude daughter. It's you and BM that created this rude person. It is not my problem and I refuse to make it my problem or be involved any further. I don't even want to discuss it." This was a year ago and DH still sulks and is depressed, always waiting for SD's communication. My theory, "You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink".
I am tired of trying to console DH and worrying about it. It's been a year that I basically disengaged from DH's moods, concerning my SD.
Your DH loves his daughter. These mind games your SD plays with everyone will probably not end; she loves the drama. It is a way of getting attention from daddy. With that said, you can let it take it's course; your DH will see her true colors, and he will continue to take her abuse.
This is what is happening with my DH. It is a two way street; my DH can go up the street and visit any time, he doesn't. I know he has only been up to SD & SIL's house twice in 5 months; that is when he wanted SIL to help him with something. You see when DH doesn't give and SD doesn't give, it's not MY problem, it's their problem. I don't care any more; I'm not just saying that, I mean it.
I support my DH in our marriage and let him deal with his kids. If he mentions the kids, I just acknowledge that I heard him and change the subject. It's the only thing we have ever had disagreement on, so it is much more peaceful in our house.
Sammigirl, my DH & SD play
Sammigirl, my DH & SD play the exact same games with each other as yours do. The only difference is my DH doesn't seem to care that SD ignores him, but he does get pouty about not seeing her children (his grandkids). SD refuses to bring her children to our home, but on the other hand DH hates going to SD's house as well & rarely goes there. SD treats DH horribly,I understand him not wanting to be around her, but it is still his choice to let her behavior keep him away from the grands. The grands Easter baskets are still sitting at our house because DH & SD continue their pi$$ing match. Thanks to this site, I could care less about any of it. I refuse to participate in their toxic chess game, or let it affect my life in anyway. It has taken some practice & discomfort at first, but so worth it in the end.
OP, get ready for SD to begin using SGS as a pawn in her games against you & DH. My advice would be to let DH handle it all & slowly back away from SGS. Be kind & polite, but do not get too attached. If SD sees you care about SGS she will use him to punish you for years to come.
I would suggest that it is
I would suggest that it is time for DH to stop choosing to be hurt by their toxic crap. It is his choice. To take away their power he has to move past letting them hurt him. Confront their toxic behavior, take away their power, and grow a thick hide to prevent them from hurting him regardless of what they try to do to manipulate and control.
If he continues to be hurt and tolerate their crap without full confrontation of their crap he is not only facilitating their continued crap he is welcoming it.
An effective tactic is to laugh at their pathetic crap openly and publically preferably directly in their faces when they do it.
IMHO of course.
Good luck.
Yes Clevergirl, could not
Yes Clevergirl, could not agree more. Even DH at this point is thinking the same thing. OSD is way out of line
That would certainly drive
That would certainly drive the message home Sally
I really like your comment
I really like your comment sammigirl about "disengaging from DH's moods regarding SD" yes that is the key, second step after disengaging from evil adult skids (and inlaws) is to disengage from our DH's moods and attitude about it too!
As difficult as it is to see DH defensive about OSD, worse for me to see him down about it, and while I will be kind and sympathetic towards him, I will no longer allow his anger or sadness about his daughter dictate how much I have to tolerate from her
Absolutely Rags...I think
Absolutely Rags...I think this is where it is all at now. If DH does not stand up and say/do something about it, he is participating in allowing himself to be abused by them.
skids pissed all over their
skids pissed all over their father when they lived with bm. if they did not get their way, they ignored him for months on end. they live acorss the country and he had rights to phone visitation. each time he called they screened his calls and did not answer...on the cell phones he bought and paid for service.
it was humiliating to listen to him grovel as he left voice mails.
um, hello sweetie. this is dad honeypie. i love you and miss you. please call me back when you are not busy."
busy? really? he had no pride in his role as a father.
then bm kicks them all out as they turn 18. who do they run to for money? dh of course. then they suck up to him with sugary talk. he eats it up.
now that skids are all adults he forgets just how badly they treated him. its flowers and sunshine from the day they were born.
and one skid routinely swore at him to his face. he also did not defend me he did the same to me. yet i did not tolerate it.
Yes Sugarspice it's such a
Yes Sugarspice it's such a common theme sadly
Your DH is doing what so many do
My OSD routinely ignores DH whenever she doesn't get her own way, just like over this recent birthday thing.
DH has always tried to be a good parent, never missed visitation, never missed CS payments, took SD's whenever BM just did whatever she wanted, and of course immediately took OSD in when BM threw her out, and so she lived with us for 2+ years full time in her late teens
She has told DH he is "nothing but a piece of sh*& father" to his face publicly in a room full of people (this was in her 20's) tried to force him to choose between her or me, withholds SGS's when she thinks it will get to him (does the same to BM too) and yet, DH takes it all and rarely stands up
I hope one day your DH will, mine has started too...there is push back for sure, but I honestly think most skids do this because they want to be #1 and everything to revolve around them, and if they thought for one second they were going to be #zero because DH was going to walk away from them until the abuse of him and I stopped, maybe it would be a different story
The one time my DH really did disengage from OSD she after time 'came around' and for a few years was somewhat normal again. I think she needs a whole big does of that again, along with DH's sister and definitely BM too!