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That B*&^% (OSD) wins again

Disillusioned's picture

Well I worried that there would be consequences for DH finally standing up to OSD and BM and not accepting their inappropriate behaviour and well - there was. Grrrrr!!!!

She figured she would just keep throwing BM in my face, constantly inviting BM to events with DH & I that BM had no business being at.

Probably loving that after DH & I spending an entire evening with BM for YSD's bridal shower, then the full day at SGS's birthday party, then the family dinner where OSD failed to mention BM would be there, instead let DH & I believe that Dh was just attending a family dinner with DH's own family; you know in addition to dinner with his daughters, his father, his sister, his wife and oh yes Surprise! his EX-wife too

And then BM suddenly obtaining DH's cell phone # and calling DH on his cell - just for directions - like we're all one big happy family now Sad

And then OSD asking DH if he can come pick her and the baby up at the hospital and drive them home. Only to discover (as I had warned DH but he hadn't listened) that not only would be driving his daughter home along with his grandson and his me his wife, but oh, his EX-wife would also be coming along for the ride in the car with us...(and I'm sure BM and OSD were counting on the fact DH couldn't fit all of us in the car so, oh, they probably would have suggested that I didn't need to be there but BM did)

And of course, OSD also asked us to come this weekend to pick up OSGS and keep him for a couple days, knowing full well that BM of course would be there hanging around, wanting to be all emotional with DH and spend time with their daughter together and their grandsons. One big happy family

Well, the BS ended when DH told them no about the ride from the hospital to OSD's along with BM.

And that's when I started to worry that now OSD would really be pissed that she got caught at her game and called out on it

I knew there was no way she would take that without a fight, without doing something hurtful to get back at DH & I

I figured she would suddenly find some excuse why DH suddenly couldn't have SGS for the weekend, but I hoped she would behave better for the sake of SGS

Anyway, today was the day DH had decided and agreed with OSD in the end to pick up SGS. Since we had heard nothing from her since DH said no to the car trip with BM, we assumed it was still on. And I assumed she and BM would have something else up their sleeves, infantile nonsense when we got there today, but DH & I had our heads around it and were prepared to go for what we came for, to pick up SGS and have a nice weekend with him, and not let their behavior prevent that from happening.

So DH calls OSD this morning just to confirm everything with her, as she had given DH a list of things SGS could eat, what to buy for him/cook, etc..

OSD does not pick up the phone

DH says to me okay no problem let's go and buy all the groceries and we'll call on the way to picking up SGS

OSD does not return DH's call

So after we shop and it's now afternoon, DH sends her a text to confirm we'll be there at 4:00, and so on

Only then did she chose to respond to DH, and only to say that SGS was 'off his routine' had a cold and basically it wasn't happening. Nto apologetic, not friendly. Just a blunt 'won't be happening' type message

DH was upset, got very quiet, and I knew exactly what was bothering him so finally asked him if he was worried that this was payback for not cooperating with the whole hanging out with BM/driving her to OSD's place expectation. DH quietly said he wasn't sure, which meant yes he was wondering that

I then said to DH that I really hoped that was not the case with SD. That it was an inappropriate request and made him uncomfortable and they had no right to do that to US, and if his daughter was now withholding SGS just to get back at him, that would be really wrong

DH then says no, he doesn't really think she would do that, and I agreed (mostly to make him feel better, I totally wouldn't put that past her) and that if she was doing it to get back at him then she would have maybe said something to the effect that BM was there and looking after SGS's and we didn't need to come after all, or something like that, and DH agreed

However, it wasn't lost on me that if that was truly the case why didn't she let DH know first thing today that the plan was off? Why ignore DH's call/not bother to call back? Why only tell DH after we went and bought all the stuff for SGS she told him to, and was getting ready to go get him, why only then that oh, sorry, nope it won't be happening after all

Yes, I do think she was paying DH back. I think it pissed her off to no end that DH for once stood up to her and BM and said NO - not comfortable with the arrangement you both expect and no I won't be doing that

I hoped so much that DH wouldn't then regret that decision - and of course then blame me because it was after all more out of respect for me that he said no, and that OSD and BM were repeatedly crossing the line where I was concerned

Anyway, we both said no problem we now had the weekend to ourselves and things we could get done, although DH was disappointed and upset about it

So later in the evening he takes me out for dinner and during dinner starts saying how he feels really bad, and is going to send OSD a text about the baby and how he's doing

This just ticked me off - not about asking about the baby of course - but that DH would "feel bad" and then just carry on talking to OSD like everything was just wonderful as always. Whether that is right or wrong, I just get so sick of there always being consequences for DH & I if we so much as breathe, but OSD can do whatever nasty thing she wants and DH just carries on kissing her ass

I know why (that old guilt/fear his kids will walk out his life thing, and now add to that withholding SGS's thing) and I'm generally pretty forgiving of that, but this evening it just really ticked me off....guess because I'm already so totally fed up with OSD and all her constant pot stirring - which I'm sure is the only reason she has been shoving BM down my throat lately - just to get a rise and stick it to me like she loves to do

Anyway I regret doing it now but when DH said how 'bad' he felt I pipped up and said that I didn't feel bad at all, not one bit, their behavior was inappropriate and was making DH & I feel uncomfortable not to mention disrespected, and too bad if they were now upset that DH put a stop to it all

That resulted in an argument, DH pissed at me, me totally fed up with him. And well - the bitch won again, her bullshit interfering with our marriage. Then again, I'm sure many of you will say and you will be correct, it's not her in the end it's DH Sad

DH needs to stand up for what is right and then stick to it. Not make an effort to be a supportive husband which by default also meant being an actual parent to his infantile adult daughter, only to back down and regret it as soon as she plays the same old 'I'll cut you out of my life/withhold SGS' card

Honestly all of this has gotten so old

sandye21's picture

How frustrating!!! When you told your DH you did not feel bad about SD he transferred all of his anger toward SD at you. How convenient! NOW he can blame it all on you! Been there, done that! DH needs to make a choice: Is he going to be a husband to you or try to make up for not being the Daddy he should have been?

A 'blended family' does NOT include BM - that's a deal breaker. You have a right as DH's wife not to be subjected to this B.S. There is no reason why your DH can not have a relationship with SD that is separate from BM. The only skid events my DH attended with his wife present was SD's graduation (BM was seated in another section so we didn't see her) and wedding. If my SD tried the old 'Parent Trap' game with me I'd be raising hell. I would make sure that DH knew that if he backed down from saying "No" to SD, the consequences from me would be a lot worse than SD being miffed.

You are uncomfortable with SD's constant pushing of BM on your and DH, and SD is getting a sadistic charge out of it. Take yourself out of the equation and do not play into it. Next time there is a 'family' celebration tell DH you are not going but you do not mind if he attends - as long as BM is not there. If BM is present, you fully expect him to leave to show his love and respect for you as his wife. Don't allow him to blame you for anything . HE is the one who should have put his foot down - and not back-tracked.

Maxwell09's picture

I feel bad for you. I gave birth 8 months ago and I was flat out exhausted to think and here's this twat SD who's not only just given birth but still has the evilness inside her rocking the boat at full speed. Disgusting. She needs to stop playing games with her father's marriage and worry about her child and newborn. The only way she will stop though is if he keeps a zero tolerance. Sure he'll pay for it (even more than other dads because this twat is clearly dedicated) but the games will eventually stop or he'll stop caring.

sammigirl's picture

Oh, we've been here so many times in the past. My DH is not good at playing these games, unless he thinks them up. So here's what ended up happening, after a several incidents like yours over the years.

DH set the visits, period! I let DH handle all the arrangements, groceries, picking up, dropping off, etc. I stayed home and we had our own house rules with visits in our own home.

There were many times, my DH was sad, because SD and grown SGD used the Gkids to play these games, but he finally realized what was happening and has handled it much better than I ever dreamed. Only because I stepped back where my SGkids and SGGkids are concerned. I let DH learn and he admits BM plays these games. I witnessed the conversation, one day, between SD55 and DH; "I'm not going to try and keep up with my Ex on visiting, spending, or otherwise with you kids, grandkids, or the great-grandkids". It pretty much ended the games and I still stay out of it.

I feel bad for you; because it's difficult to see how DH is treated and manipulated; but it only enhances the problems, if you discuss it or try to fix it. I dislike my SD beyond words, because of all these games; but it truly is DH's problem and I won't get involved in his past family gatherings. SD tried this with BM also; didn't happen only once and I stay home, therefore, DH refuses to go without me. It causes some quiet moments with myself and DH; but I won't subject myself to his EX, SD55, nor SGD30.

A new born baby is the worst ammunition and your SD knows it. Just saying where we were also.

Good Luck

Disillusioned's picture

Thanks luvmypuppy and yes this is exactly what is we have been feeling that OSD and BM are now pulling...the poor me/us victim cards. Mean ol' DH and his wife refused to drive us home from hospital, right after the baby/his grandson was born and so on

They can play it that way all they want and I know this was not the case, but it's frustrating because on top of the victim card if they play the 'just withhold SGS card' then it really makes it difficult

It extortion is what that is

Disillusioned's picture

Wow sandye21 you summed that up very accurately. And I know you've been through this stuff too with your DH not supporting you Sad

Yes this IS exactly what I find sooooooo frustrating. You are so right! OSD and BM having no boundaries, completely crossing the line and being at best "insensitive" as my sister puts it, or downright disrespectful as I feel. And then on top of it, as happens so often with us SM's, when you dare to understandably stand up for yourself and speak your mind, then your DH who is supposed to be on your side suddenly turns on you too, just because the alternative would be to admit that his offspring is waaaaay in the wrong, and that's just too much for his ego to bear.

Better to kick your wife down and allow her to think she's the blame, then accept that who you raised is behaving like an embarrassing asshole Smile

Oh well, for now it's blown over. DH sent his text message to OSD, and she responded telling him they had to take the baby back to the hospital, okay for now, but will probably have to go back for more tests.....and so again he feels all these things are going on with him being excluded from knowing, but at least she responded and told him that much

Disillusioned's picture

yes wineisthecure, I just wish there is some way I could make DH understand that too! Sad

Disillusioned's picture

Yes you have been through hell with this StepAside Sad

The funny thing is, for 16 of the 17 years that DH & I have been together, there have never been any problems like this where BM has been concerned.

I guess I shouldn`t say never as there have been the odd time that she went a little far, but nothing that caused any real issues

This whole nonsense has only started really, in the last year

It started with DH`s sister inviting BM to FIL`s birthday party, then to the small `family` dinner for just DH`s family afterwards at her place, and maybe because DH & I just sucked it up and didn`t make a stick (although both of us felt that was inappropriate) DH`s daughter just kept the trend going

But yes you are right, now that OSD has kids she is really using them as leverage to continue to stir the pot and try to get what she wants - to make me feel uncomfortable and BM is an excellent tool for her to do that!

It will be interesting going forward to see how she reacts - I honestly don`t thing her, or BM, or DH`s sister thought for one minute that DH would ever stand up to them and say no.

I think they thought they could do this more and more often, with total disrespect to DH and most especially me, and we would just continue to take all their crap

OSD is a sore loser though....so we will see if she continues to push this.

I`m thinking she`ll just play the victim card once again, and be somewhat distant going forward until she thinks she can play us again

Disillusioned's picture

Good for your DH for standing up to it sammigirl. Sad that your SD - and at 55 wow she is like my Dh's sister 57 carrying on like this at those ages, just wow. And clearly trained your SGD to do the same Sad

I'm glad your DH doesn't attend those events without you, that include BM, that's making a statement to your SD for sure!

sammigirl's picture

My DH doesn't really stand up for me when it comes to SD, but at the same time, I set my own boundaries and he respects most of them. He would never cross SD55 or SGD30; they are his Princess's, but at least he understands that I will no longer take the arrangements they make and control. It is a sort of a double edged sword, if you know what I'm saying.

I think you can set some boundaries for yourself; after all it's your sanity at stake.

Disillusioned's picture

I think DH feels bad about both FrauleinAsh, bad that he was forced into the position of saying No to OSD and BM - something he rarely does - and bad that it may have resulted in OSD and BM playing the victim 'DH was mean' card, and of course retaliating by distancing herself and SGS's

Do I think OSD is doing it deliberately?

Well, I would like to believe that no she is just being as my sister says "insensitive" towards me by inviting DH & I to things when she knows full well but has neglected to mention that BM will be there for the whole time as well....like sitting down to a small 'family dinner' with us, or coming along for the ride in DH's car while we're asked to help OSD, etc... etc...

It could be that she is just being totally "insensitive" but, OSD has a long history of conniving spiteful behavior towards DH & myself. She has demonstrated on many occasions that she is very jealous and insecure when it comes to my relationship with DH. Right down to giving DH an ultimatum at one point that he had to choose between her or me. She has put us through a terrible time over the years

So to answer your question, do I believe OSD is doing this deliberately? YES I absolutely do. Even if it didn't start off that way, I think she decided it would be great to shove BM in my face as much as she could whenever the opportunity presented itself of late

Even on the occasions DH & I are with his family and BM isn't there, OSD makes a point of always bringing BM up. I've always been very complimentary of BM, never said a bad word about her, and never made SD's ever feel they couldn't talk about their Mom in my presence, but OSD takes it too far and even that is obvious to me.

She has used other people to play me down too, not just BM. This is just her newest ploy. The opportunity presented itself with YSD's bridal shower, the birthday party for OSGS, the birth of YSGS all legitimate reasons recently where we should all be in the same space with BM, but OSD just kept the events coming and coming after that, and none of those ones were legitimate

Can not believe how some people just keep poking at others, can't seem to get over their stupid little insecurities, and need for revenge for perceived ills. So sad

sammigirl's picture

It is passive aggressive behavior and your SD knows exactly what she is doing. I've been in this game for 36 years and I can tell you my SD takes a different approach every day, if the other behaviors are not working.

Even now, that I'm disengaged for the past six years, SD never stops. Right now she is playing the victim in it all and DH is staying silent about it all. At least I've had peace for the past six months. It's always something. I just move forward, but never let my guard down, because today is a new day and SD comes up with something new, when I least expect it.

Disengagement and living with my SD's drama is like a hemorrhoid; it flares up and is a complete pain in the behind.

Good Luck and like I suggested, set "yourself" some boundaries. You should not have to attend these family dinners and put up with the disrespect.

still learning's picture

"Disengagement and living with my SD's drama is like a hemorrhoid; it flares up and is a complete pain in the behind."

So true and quotable! This is exactly how I feel about ss's. It could be months before I have to deal with it again but then all of a sudden BOOM there it is again.

Disillusioned's picture

Nowhere was anything said anything about her wanting to get her parents back together that I know of, other than you tomma24365????

Please don't insert untrue statements, like me saying she wants them back together and that's her motive when absolutely nowhere was that said - although now that you mention it, that wouldn't surprise me either!

What has been said all along is that she is either being insensitive - as you say doesn't give a crap about my feelings - or she is deliberately trying to piss me off by shoving BM down my throat as much as she can to get a rise out of me

I tend to think both would be true here.

She wants both her parents to be around for helping with the baby for example, knows full well that as divorced people expecting everyone to all ride together in the car up to her place, on top of all sorts of other small family gatherings, is ridiculous. And oh yes, if it makes her SM of SF feel uncomfortable all the better, play it up

That would be her behaving like a turd I think

stepinafrica's picture

Well if you are forced to be at functions with the EX, then play the part well 100%. Pile on the PDA with your husband. Make sure to talk to her husband. She will get paranoid and think you are digging for dirt on her and she will withdraw.

still learning's picture

The old withhold the grandkids if I don't get my way game. Yeah, that gets real old real quick. Hurt DH while silently but very LOUDLY broadcasting their displeasure that he dared to say no to something overboard or inappropriate. How dare he refuse to exclude his wife, the nerve! The golden uterus should have had precedence over SM now that there is a baby (pawn) involved (sarcasm of course). *sheesh!*

ss26 did this to DH, didn't bring the kids over for 4 months because DH had the audacity to say "no" to an overboard request. ss26 wanted both of us to travel for an hour each way to watch their 2 kids and their kids cousin (not related to DH). Dh said "no" you can drop them off here and we'll watch them (even the cousin) rather than us being the traveling nannies chasing 3 kids around in a public place with lots of people. DH made some excuse about how I wasn't available to travel, thus throwing me under the bus. ss lives 10 mins away, 4 months absence for one no. Though they did manage to make it over for the annual xmas gift and money grab.

I wouldn't discuss it with DH or give it any more energy. DH may be pouty but like most men can be easily distracted.

Disillusioned's picture

It's funny stepmeanie, up until tonight I tended to believe it was mostly DH's sister, and his daughter that were behind it all, and that BM just happily went along with it

But DH & I spoke with YSD this evening about the bridal shower I'll be holding in a few months for her. I had originally planned on inviting BM & her SO but after all the nonsense of late, I decided no way she was coming

Well tonight YSD asks me if it would be okay if the shower I'm holding could be sort of an after-rehearsal dinner party. Since it's what YSD wanted I said sure, but, I know that BM will be at the rehearsal stuff. Grrrr!

And the first thought that popped into my head - BM put her up to this one too. So now yes, BM will be attending even the shower that DH & I are holding Sad

notasm3's picture

WTF? There's a HUGE difference between a shower and a rehearsal dinner. I'd be uber pissed if I offered to give a shower for someone and they sent a message that they'd rather that I hosted the rehearsal dinner.

That is uber rude. So I would have no problem in being equally rude and telling her that yes you would give the party but that no BM is NOT invited.

I learned early to say a firm "NO" when asked to do something that was offensive to me. Back in college many decades ago a girl was always trying to sidle up and flirt with my football player boyfriend (and rub up against him with her big boobies while he sat there with a deer in the headlights look on his face). One day she approached the table where he and I were sitting and asked if she could join us. I just very politely said "no" and dismissed her. She was never expecting that. My friends could not believe that I did that. But I knew I'd "nipped that in the butt" (yes I know it's really bud).

Just this Christmas I had no trouble saying "no" when DH asked if his son and GF could come to his family dinner. I'd rather take a little flack for being pushy than to be a pushover doormat.

twoviewpoints's picture

Isn't the rehearsal dinner usually the groom's parents doings (host and pay for)?

IMO YSD is attempting to get Dad to foot he rehearsal dinner bill in lieu of what you actually offered her. You offered a bridal shower (I'm assuming you had intensions of a Sunday afternoon with refreshments for her friends/relatives, perhaps a few co-workers). Instead she's taking formal after dinner for the wedding party. And yes, it'd be d*mn rude if you host the rehearsal dinner and didn't invite bride's mother.... but rehearsal dinner isn't what you offered.

Tell YSD no. If she's no longer in your gracious offer of a bridal shower, fine, you understand, however Dad and you didn't sign on to host her and her husband2b's rehearsal dinner. And yes, if the groom's parents host a rehearsal dinner both Dad/you and BM/SO would and should all be invited.

Disillusioned's picture

Stepinafrica, that actually describes DH's daughter to a T! She plays all sorts of games but boy, if I so much as say hello to SSIL, she rudely walks up and interrupts/inserts herself - yup, paranoid

AVR1962's picture

It will continue to get real old too. I don't think your husband ever took a strong stand with his ex when he was married and he is not going to change now. My husband was so strong with hurt and anger for his ex but he and she never talked, he was the one that refused and seriously for family sake I think this makes matters worse. His sons have sided against him, I think mostly for my part in his life which completely takes away from the real issues that lay under all the relationships. Maybe with time and their own life experiences their thoughts/views will be different. I think that will be the ponly thing that makes them see things differently.

Disillusioned's picture

I hear what you're saying notasm3 Sad I am super ticked off

This was originally a get together for my family (not all of whom are invited to the wedding simply because there are too many of us haha) but still many would want to have a little celebratory get together with YSD anyway...a lot of my nephews and nieces that grew up with YSD for example, and also my & DH's friends that we know wouldn't be invited to the shower that OSD is holding...

It is at a beautiful restaurant right on the beach in our city, was going to be an afternoon thing on a weekend, all food etc..covered by myself & DH of course

YSD was just over the top excited by this and has thanked me about a hundred times LOL, but now, she is asking if we can move it to a Thursday night, directly following the wedding rehearsal, so the whole bridal party would be coming too which I'm fine with, but if BM is going to be at the rehearsal then I really find it extra irritating that this was changed

Oh and now the 'shower' would be held starting at 8:00 p.m. which means not everyone is going to make it as planned, some people will literally have to stay in a hotel and book the next day off because they don't live close to us Sad

I just wonder if OSD (who is also in the bridal party - she's the matron of honour) or BM, put YSD up to this!