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OSD rude and furious with DH (most likely me)

Disillusioned's picture

For Mother's Day I received a beautiful bouquet of flowers from YSD, with a Mother's Day card saying that she's thinking of me, loves me, etc...

I called her immediately to say thank you, she was very pleased that I was pleased, said I totally deserve them and so on

I also wanted to post a picture of them on FB to my friends and family, but as always, worried if wind of that got to OSD she would create a problem

DH encouraged me to post something however. He said since OSD wasn't friends with me on FB, she wouldn't know. When I told him YSD is friends with me on FB and OSD would see it if she liked or commented, DH then said too bad for OSD. That he actually hoped she would see it. That YSD did something nice for me, and if I wanted to send out a notice about it he could care less how OSD felt about it

I thought about that, and decided that I was done letting what OSD thinks and does effect my decisions any longer. I mean, she chose to have no relationship with me, she made it clear she doesn't want one, and I've respected her choice.

However, she also seems to feel she can dictate my relationship with YSD, and she doesn't have the right to go that far

So, I posted a picture of the flowers on FB saying how thoughtful of YSD, that she was a sweetheart, etc......YSD loved it (both DH and YSD love it when I brag to my own family and friends about how great YSD is LOL)

So all was well. Or so I thought

The other day DH tells me he had called OSD and she was really rude, abrupt, and aloof with him. He was just trying to talk with her about her house, as he learned from FIL she had sold her home, and bought a new one (in the very town we had originally been thinking of moving to but it was too far) all last week.

DH also told me she rudely said she wasn't coming to our housewarming party....this is after she had already previously confirmed she would be there along with SSIL and SGS's

I suggested that maybe it had nothing to do with him, she had a lot going on with her life right now between selling her home and all, and that maybe she was just having a bad day like we all do from time to time

DH said no, she was really nasty and he was not happy about it.

He said there was nothing he has done, or could think of that could have ticked her off so much since the last time he and OSD talked

The only thing we can think of, is she is furious about my post about YSD

DH mentioned again that he could care less if that's what she's upset about.

And there is no point in DH actually asking OSD what she is upset about, whenever he has done this in the past she refuses to say, but cuts him off as she has been doing. And that usually follows that rude, nastiness to him & I on any occasions we might talk with her

For my part, I have nothing to say to her so I don't really care.

DH is quite ticked off at her though.

Should I have not posted anything on FB, even thought DH and YSD love when I do, just to avoid the possibility of OSD thinking we were poking at her? Or, should I just live my life and stop letting her tantrums dictate what I do?

Disillusioned's picture

No not egging me on HeavenLife, he simply wanted to see YSD all happy with the praise she would receive for doing something so thoughtful.

And really, why shouldn't she?

Because her sister will get upset we should refrain from acknowledging anything to my own family and friends that YSD does?

DH just simply didn't have the same hesitations that I do when it come to how his older daughter would react

It is a tough battle all the time when it comes this; I have a great relationship with one SD, and want to do nice things for her since she is so sweet to me, and I knows she treasures that. But my dilemma is always the other SD who on one hand makes it clear she despises me and wants nothing to do with me, but on the other gets upset if I do have a good relationship with her sister

There are so many things I have not done for YSD over the years, all because I was afraid of OSD's reaction, and really in the end I wonder how fair that is to YSD???

Disillusioned's picture

That's already the case Tuesday, I'm not friends on FB with OSD, she would only have seen it if YSD responded (which YSD did, and very happily so)

Disillusioned's picture

Yes StepAside, I absolutely thought OSD would be angry if she found out....but, I really wrestle with why that should stop me from sending something out to my own family and friends, especially just to thank YSD for something nice that she did

If OSD has a problem with it, well, that's OSD's problem as far as I'm concerned. She doesn't want a relationship with me, makes it clear I'm simply 'tolerated' for her Dad's sake, and that's her choice. I've backed right off and chosen to respect her decision. But, now I think it's time that she do the same not only for me, but for her sister YSD, who chooses instead to have a great relationship with me

In the end, decided that it's not fair to YSD for me to hold back just because her sister figures she can dictate the relationship YSD and I have. I did what made not only me happy, but more importantly, what I know made DH and YSD happy too

I don't really care any longer about making OSD happy!

stepmomfromhell's picture

What you are doing is pitting sisters against each other!!!
You do understand that don't you? That it can also damage the relationship between these 2 sisters, with you, and their father. If you don't want the OSD to know the kind of relationship you have with her younger sister, wouldn't it be a better idea, to thank her via private message or in person or put OSD on block?

stepmomfromhell's picture

Think about it for a moment; It looks like Disillusioned is pitting one sister against the other, knowingly or unknowingly. If she looks back at what she has done. She knew she was going to upset the older sister without caring what the outcome would be.

Just a word of warning, this might get her DH upset with her and her DH might end up siding with OSD.

WalkOnBy's picture

Meh - people do nice things and should be recognized. People do shitty things, too, and just because the shitty one might be upset about something the nice one did wouldn't make me think twice.

For me? I wouldn't give one shit about what the older one thinks.

Disillusioned's picture

Wow Plums, you could not possibly have more accurately described this situation! And thanks, that's great feedback too!

Disillusioned's picture

Gotta disagree with you there StepAside LOL, I have a huge extended family scattered literally around the globe, and we do chose FB to keep in touch. I love FB for that reason. And I most certainly am not miserable in my life....well not most of the time anyway haha!

Disillusioned's picture

Yes, Heaven my DH did think it might actually do OSD some good to see it. He disagrees with her treatment toward her parents and step-parents, and believes YSD is the far more mature and considerate one. DH really hopes one day OSD might see, by YSD's example, that there really is another way to act

Whether we agree with DH or not, that's his opinion

And, posting to my own friends and family on FB is not "posting it all over FB" it was sent only to the people I'm connected too, those same people who love sharing and receiving updates on all extended family - including YSD

Icansorelate's picture

you need to just stop caring about what OSD thinks about anything. Stop thinking about her, stop talking about her, stop DH from talking about her to you...just let it go.

OSD's problems are HER problems. Stop caring.

sandye21's picture

^^^THIS!!^^^ "DH mentioned again that he could care less if that's what she's upset about." OK, so why did he even mention it to you? There's a game going on. Drama for adrenaline.

notasm3's picture

You and your DH need to "ignore the whore" when it comes to OSD. She sounds pretty worthless - someone who contributes little to nothing to anyone's well being.

twoviewpoints's picture

Mother's Day was three weeks ago. You'd have heard of OSD's displeasure before now . I'm thinking it has more to do with the more recent decision of who is speaking at YSD's wedding/reception.

I'm betting she just has been updated on SF speaking with BM and you with Dad. Oh, and the bridal party luncheon you're hosting. I suspect she's currently just as angry at BM right now as she is Dad.

Disillusioned's picture

There is a block as stated in several posts now stepmomfromhell, and no, not pitting sisters against each other at all

More like OSD actively attempting to pit YSD against her me her SM

If I want to post to my own family and friends (which includes YSD) then I most certainly will

OSD chose to hate me and not have any sort of a relationship and that is fine, her choice to make. That does not mean I have to hide my relationship with YSD, just to please the very person who has a problem, and has created the problems in the first place

I would get it if I were deliberately posting this on OSD's page, or going out of my way to make sure she finds out, but I'm not. I'm simply living my life and not allowing her to dictate it any longer.

There is wonderful freedom in that

She does not get to have her cake and eat it too.

Disillusioned's picture

stepmomfrohell, your post is actually quite hard to follow. You realize you are asking me to consider the very person who has done nothing but try to destroy every relationship I have (beginning with hers of course) - from an ultimatum to DH that it's her or me, or actively trowing a fit if I continue to have a relationship with YSD, just because OSD has decided she doesn't want one with me

Why on earth would I stop to consider the very person who has gone out of her way to damage so much?

Do you think for one moment she would even appreciate that much?

No, I am done stopping to consider if thanking one SD publicly for a wonderful deed is offensive to the other. If it is offensive to her, she really needs to give her head a good shake and ask why?

I'm with my DH on this one, might actually have done her some good to see that you know what? Life goes on even if she chose to walk away from it. She doesn't have to be civil or nice or accept me in any way, but, she can't force YSD or myself to do the same

Disillusioned's picture

So what you're saying heaven is secretly thank YSD for doing something great, rather than making a big deal about it, just to avoid upsetting the evil problem child who is only happy when no-one (along with herself) has any sort of relationship with me?


You see, I choose to reward good behaviour (that's good parenting) and ignore the bad

So YSD gets a lot of praise for something wonderful, and deservedly so.

OSD gets nothing - exactly what she has made it clear she wants

But oh, now wait a moment, I'm also not allowed to make a big deal about YSD's good behavior because oh the nasty one will get nastier?

funny, that is how I've lived my life for almost 20 years with the two of them. YSD being a sweetheart and me wanting to do so much for her, but always holding back because OSD who has made it clear she despises me and wants nothing over the years, will throw a big temper tantrum

I'm done bowing done to OSD's tantrums. Tired of walking on eggshells to please someone who has never so much as done a single thing but try to make my life pure hell.

I don't hate her, I spent many years in fact trying very hard with her. Now I've backed off because that's what she wants. She got what she wanted. But it ends there

Disillusioned's picture

Hey Sandy, no game. DH's main concern was really making YSD feel good about what she did. DH was pretty much moved to tears by it, and wanted YSD to know how much it meant to me. DH really wanted me to post to my friends and family (which YSD would see) because that would really build her up

I was the one hesitating as always, thinking that I just didn't want the drama that would cause with OSD, in case she did see it on YSD's page. So DH's comment about not caring what OSD thought was really not about stirring the pot with her, but about preventing her from stirring the pot because YSD and I were having a good moment together.

The funny thing is, if OSD ever turned around and did something like that DH would be jumping up and down and begging me to post it on every website and on the news too LOL, he would want her to know how overjoyed we were.

I bet not one person would then say 'but what about YSD? aren't you just egging her on? or now you're just pitting sisters against each other?'

No way, no one would thing about it and with good reason, because YSD would be totally cool with it and happy that OSD was doing something nice

By keeping everything hush hush and walking on eggshells around OSD, that is just enabling her to continue to act out of control. But by rewarding good behaviour, and paying no attention to bad, in my opinion is not enabling the bad

Disillusioned's picture

You got it notasm, that's exactly it....OSD truly does contribute nothing. She is a taker sadly, guilts DH into so much and always has. Happy to accept all sorts of money, gifts, etc.. for herself and her family but can't so much as say thank you

OSD is a very intitled person. She believes she is a victim because her parents divorced and as such, the world owes her. Everyone (including step-parents) are supposed to bow down to her, but she on the other had feels she has every right to be horrific to those same good people in return

She is very controlling and honestly believed she could simply tell DH to dump me and that he would. Not for any specific reason. This was many years ago and her argument was that since she was his DAUGHTER and I was JUST his (then) girlfriend there need not be any further discussion. She literally told DH that no more needed to be said, he should have dumped me already, simply because she "didn't like Disillusioned"

That didn't happen and she has done nothing but try to damage our relationship since. And, she has also tried very hard to damage the relationship FIL and I have (with equally little success) as well as with YSD and I

And despite all that, I have still always considered her and tried not to tick her off. Well, I agree with you. No more worrying whether she will freak or not. If she does, too bad. Clearly going out of my way to appease her has not accomplished very much!

stepmomfromhell's picture

I'm not saying be careful, I'm not saying walk on eggshells either. What I'm saying is; When you reward your YSD, why do you need to make it public, in plain view of OSD, that only rubs it in her face.... You might as well say to OSD screw you from the get go.

It doesn't matter how bad she treated anyone, but revenge through these little kind gestures to YSD, could set OSD against her sister and also her father, it then could come home to roost, and you will end up in a situation that you won't like..... It's called Karma.

I don't expect you to take what I'm saying, but just be warned what could happen down the road.

Disillusioned's picture

Actually twoviewpoints, I really think she has just been stewing about the whole Mother's Day thing for three weeks. She does not talk to DH unless he calls her, and she knows he always does call, so it was just a matter of time.

With that said, you are probably right that she's angry about DH and BM getting up to speak (although separately) at YSD's wedding. BM did not speak at her wedding.

I won't be speaking at YSD's wedding, and since YSD says BM will be doing exactly what DH does, it will be just the parents going up. I don't feel it's my place to do that, nor do I feel it's my place to host the bridal dinner either...but since YSD asked me to I will.

I'm regretting that decision already Sad

sammigirl's picture

Watch your back; your DH is giving too much information, too freely. You are capable of telling your DH to stop with the encouragement; it's causing too much drama for you.

Disillusioned's picture

You're still missing the point stepmomfromhell, it was not in plain sight of OSD - it was sent to MY family and friends only, which does not include her. Of course she is friends with YSD on FB so I figured yes she could find out, but, so what?

If OSD is mad because I let my family and friends know what YSD did, and because YSD received lots of praise for it, then OSD needs to grow up!

Like Walkon said - reward the good and ignore the bad

stepmomfromhell's picture

I'm just looking at the longterm effects your actions of being YSD as your BFF in plain sight of OSD who you don't like at all, and who's friends with her sister on FB. Since she is friends with YSD on FB, OSD could get her sister's newsfeed noticing you praising YSD.

You might think it's fun and entertaining at the moment to get OSD upset, but you won't when this all blows up in your face.

And you might think this will never happen to you, but believe me it has blown up in other SMs faces when they pit one skid against the other.

Don't take my word for it.... Find out for yourself!

Disillusioned's picture

I think you have it backwards stepmomfromhell

I'm not the one who has the problem with OSD - she has it with me.

I have always been exactly the same to both SD's.

The difference is OSD saw nothing but hatred and negativity and made it clear to me not only in her actions towards me (but summed it up in so many words as well) that she wants nothing to do with me, that she simply 'tolerates' me for the sake of her Dad, and the day it ever ends with her Dad & I, I will never hear from her again.

YSD, who was treated no differently than OSD loves me to bits. Thinks of me as her 'other mom', talks with me weekly, tells me she loves and values me, never would think of not acknowledging me on my birthday, Mother's Day, etc...

The best thing any step-parent can do, IMO, is take your lead from your skids

If my OSD wants nothing to do with me, that's perfectly fine. I tried with her for many years, and now I respect her choice.

My YSD wants a better relationship with me, and so she has it

I do not find it "fun and entertaining to upset OSD" as you've untruthfully stated. Please make sure your keep your 'assumptions' as that. Otherwise you're making up lies and stirring the pot, and basically offering completely invaluable input

The truth of the matter is what I've repeatedly said to you: I will praise my YSD for being a mature, decent human being every single time. And if my OSD gets upset about that - that is HER problem. It will get zero response from me.

My OSD can dictate the relationship being herself and me - she has done that very well - but she can not however, dictate the relationship between YSD & I, how and when I choose to thank YSD for something nice. It has nothing to do with OSD.

If OSD is so angry that YSD and I get along and others know it, maybe OSD should start acting like a grown-up, otherwise she doesn't have a leg to stand on