Well, wait, a min, we already know whats going to happen if you go give OSD a piece of your mind.  

they are going to act like you are the prob.

We already know whats going to happen when they cut of DH out of gkids lives.... years are going to go by and no one is going to talk to no one (like in my SD's case)

whats the only thing left?  for you to leave DH and tell him to fix this.     what would happen then?  would they be DH's best friend? would dh be best friends with gkids?  would sd's manipulate?  would BM be forced on DH?  would Dh have a voice?  would DH be happy?  what would happen.

I only ask this because of the butterfly effect.  It screws up each way that I do it.  I dont know what is the right way to do it.  its going to be screwed each way.  Its not you.  Its them.  They are screwed up.  there is no way for you to fix this

I would nail SIL’s ass to the wall.  Let DH deal with his daughter.

This is such a shitty situation for you and DH to have to deal with but it is awesome that your are a team in all of this.

I told my DH this is happening to you, he said that already happened to him and If It was him again, he would say good, now I dont have to have anything to do with that bratty kid.  especially after what she did to my wife. 

how do you nail an ass to a wall, I would like to know 

Just LOVED it!  LOL LOL  Good for your DH for supporting you calling B.S..  I agree with Rags.  DH needs to nail sadistic SIL.  Who cares if she leaves and crawls under a rock forever.  Neither you or DH needs that kind of B.S. in your life.  If SD wants to stay away for a while that's OK too.  You can not allow people like that to bring such negativity into your marriage.  If they don't want to practice mutual respect you don't need them in your life.

So awful of SD to use her kids to hurt their grandfather.  I will never understand why parents will remove a loving supportive family member from their childrens lives over something stupid.  It sounds like this "punishment" will carry on for years so DH has to make a decision. Will he mope and beg to be in her good graces the entire time or will he loving reach out now and then but continue on with his life? 

SIL and OSD are both toxic, and as Booboobear said above, there is no way to fix this.  If you leave so he can see his kids, then he's giving in to extortion and will need to run his dating choices by his daughter for the rest of his life to avoid a repeat of this. If he doesn't give in, she will use her children as pawns and keep them away from him.  He just has to decide which of those he can live with more easily.

My guess is that DH's mother has some of these toxic traits? And she created SIL, plus DH went on to marry someone much like his mother and SIL - BM. Now his daughter is just following in their footsteps.

My SS19 has been off and on alienated for the last 4 years - when he comes back into DH's life, he inevitably gets mad because DH says something father-like (about his grades or something), and he disappears again.  I told DH that I think the only way he can have SS in his life is if he doesn't parent him, and can he live with that? He said - I don't think I can.

But plenty of people do live with toxic children extorting them for the rest of their lives.  My mother is 84 and in a Senior Living place, and one of the other residents has never seen her great-granddaughter because neither her daughter or granddaughter will let her. Daugher is toxic and comes in and out of her mother's life, using her kids and grandkids as pawns.  It's sad, and I can't imagine why this woman puts up with it, but that's the impossible choice that she took.

Ugh! The games people play.  My SD57 has played these games since I have known her (39) years.

I have NEVER responded to my narcisstic grown STEPKIDS.  Yes, they also played the grandkids games.  We never chased it.  It is their life, let them roll in the mud.  You wash up, move forward.  You will have a good day.   

As soon as you stop chasing your SD, she will run back to Daddy.  If she is like my SD, she won't be able to know what you two are enjoying without her.  With this said, she will never like you, but  you can live with that.

Sorry you have to deal with her.   Set a good example for your grandchildren by your actions.

Sometimes it is hard to not want to put these hateful adult skids in their place and defend yourself and your DH. I believe someone mentioned that doing this would make the haters make it out to be that you are the problem. I would suggest not saying anything to SD and SIL unless you have to and let your DH deal with them.

My DH and I get treated similar by the hateful adult steps. This past holiday, the adult steps didn't contact DH for XMas, thanksgiving, New Years, his bday. They are playing the same game with my DH, especially Adult SD of withholding the gskids from DH, because Daddeee isn't doing what YSD, YSS and OSS want. 

What makes DH different is that he doesn't seem to care. He doesn't dote on the gskids, as gskids are being taught to ignore me and who knows what else. We don't go to events with gskids, where DH and I are going to be put in a situation where adult steps and certain inlaws can treat us like idiots. I have a couple of inlaws who don't like me also. 

It seems withholding gskids from the bio grandparent, who has remarried, is a common, hateful tactic used by adult skids who want to manipulate their parent into doing whatever they want. It is sad for those grandparents who let their lives revolve around the gskids and have no life of their own.

why not plan a nice trip for you and DH? Even day trips. Do what you loved to do before the gskids. Don't let bully adult SD ruin your lives or marriage over gskids. She may just still want to break up your marriage. Don't trust her, she sounds like a very nasty person.

good luck going forward.

I would still send polite cards to mark special events. They may get returned but it stops any chance of “you abandoned us” by leaving the door cracked without putting much out there.

This has nothing to do with you and if you were to leave him both of you would be miserable. Any person willing to behave this way under these conditions would still find a reason to behave this way. If it wasn’t you it would be him not spending enough on birthdays or some other petty stupid thing.  

Life is a journey and this is only the next chapter is this drama.  Just because she walked away right now, doesn't mean she won't be back.  DH finally stood up for himself and changed the game.  This is an unfolding of a new way, not the end.  

I would reccomend DH have his will nice and tight so you aren't stuck with any drama from either one of those women.   Last thing you need if something happens to DH.  

Meanwhile enjoy your peace.  Its been hard won and worth celebrating, even if its only here.  Cheers!

  Yep…I think remember this poster.  And if I recall correctly, her DH is a pretty big jerk to his sister and cause drama over tiny things all the time.  I remember one time he made a GIANT issue out of a bottle of water that SIL got out of the fridge and did not offer him a bottle or something to that nature.  (If I have the right poster. Lol) 

 It sucks that SIL and BM are friends but it is what it is.  But DH cannot control what his sister talks about.  She was telling everyone about her night and DH told her to “park it”  If my bro would have done that to me, I would have told him to shove it up is ass and that I will talk about my night if I want to. 

My guess is that skid is tired of watching her dad flip out all the time over his EX wife, his sister or his new wife.  I would guess that it is like walking on egg shells around him.  

SS34's GF went that route with DH when he wouldn't "make me behave" - ie let them use my vacation home after their ransacked our primary home while we were on vacation.  I've just 100% written them off.

DH just ignored it.  SS comes back saying how much he wants DH to be in his son's life.  As I see none of them I have no clue how much time DH actually spends with the child, but I do know that he sees him.

Your situation parallels mine in so many ways....the SD who uses the sgkids as pawns, the SIL on the periphery with her sermons about the importance of family... (although everyone is supposed to go visit her - the roads don't go both ways).

The good thing is that you and your DH are on the same page. It was something seemingly minor that made your SD freak out and proclaim she was out of your lives. 

There really is nothing else you can do. Your DH can decide he wants to put up with his daughter's childishness or have  a life.  

My DH got sick of his middle aged children's behavior, they are punishing him because he dared to choose a life outside of the Original Family, but I am not sure he even notices. From his viewpoint, they are adults, he is having a good time in retirement. 

Just ignore the big baby; she will be back begging shortly when she sees she is having no effect. 

In my experience SD will be back once she realizes her extortion attempt of removing herself and her children from your husbands life's is not generating the reaction she wants.  Not sure how long it will take but she will miss having you and H to use in generating her required drama.  

You or your husband will not need to do anything other than go on happily living your lives and poof her drama can again be yours! I suggest that you stay disengaged when she reappears as there will always be something that will set her off   

This same situation happend to us.  A few years later SD announced she was furious at me  because in her eyes I had been enjoying  not having to deal with her entirely too much.  Of course even though SD and her brother were the ones that stopped talking to H, she then attempted to turn it around to falsely accuse and blame me for her father not talking to her.  LOL.  

Let her.  I did and will just continue living my best life.  Over Ten years of blessed disengagement to date.  I think you will find that having the toxicity out of your life was a blessing she unwittingly gave you!   

Oh brother! DIssilusioned, We love you! and Suport you! YouROCK!

Sd doesn’t care about her kids at all, they’re just pawns in her manipulative games.

unless family are a physical threat to the grandkids, no adult should use kids as a manipulative pawn to guil and control people

these people have no respect for others

Give it some time, Disillusioned. 

I'm not surprised there was lots of stressful moments in the gatherings and holidays this year for your family. This is all the 'first time without FIL' and I'm sure the adjustments have not been easy. FIL is kind of what held everyone civil an able to all function while the 'elephant in the room' so to say, quietly simmered on. 

Your SIL, as obnoxious as she is with all her dysfunction and issues, is also hurting and missing this year. She's basically alone. She has never built her own life. No real friends, no SO/DH, she has always spent her life living through other people (your family). Yeah, she's clinging to BM (her one non-related BFF) an OSD and your grandchildren because it's all she knows and has. She has always pitted herself in some left over jealousy/competition/rivalry with her brother... they've been at it since early childhood.  And the last few years she has been the designated primary care taker of FIL, taking him to appointments, social events, making sure he had what he needed blah blah. 

And with him now gone, yeah, she is clinging to all she has left. OSD and the grandkids. She was always invited and included while MIL and FIl lived, then when just FIL lived. Now with both gone I'm sure she fears no longer being included. I'm sure she was thrilled to death to still be invited and attend Christmas Eve at BM's... part of why SIL purchased a new home close to them all. It's all she has.

I'm also sure your Dh's short but very direct words to SIL at Christmas lunch upset her. He fed her fear. Very likely has been boo-hooing and the holiday blues to BM and OSD and here came big bad mean old brother to make her feel unwanted and misplaced. 

OSD now is 'punishing' her father with the one thing she has to punish him with. The grandkids. And it's not the first time she has kept the kids from her father and you.It'sjust the first time she has went so far as to indicate permanently. Give her some time and space. 

OSD is cycling and you know , if from no other place than here, that you can't reason with a crazy lady. Let her play out her cycle. Send the boy's gifts as you normally would give to them. call to speak to them occasionally (worst she can do is slam the phone down). Go about your and Dh's daily life, maybe even a short weekend get-away and try not to dwell on it. 

That’s a plus!

These emotionally stunted girls seem to all follow the sane playbook.

We recently had to attempt to create boundaries w SD, who’s a narcissist who’s never been told “NO” before. At our counselor’s & pastor’s urging, DH very kindly let her know it’s not acceptable for her to call them, as well as our close friends, in a smear campaign and whining about a decades old divorce (I didn’t cause it, I came years later). SD called back with venom in her voice and with a vengeance. It was quite the performance. Never once did she own her part, (calling everyone),but instead blamed me, projected her own character flaws onto  me (which DH knows I am not the things she said I was), and this 45 year old “woman” who’s been given everything, (DH has put all his kids through college and given them millions in debt-free real estate) has the nerve (stupidity?) to tell him when he’s ready to stand up to me and start being a father, then call, but until then he could “keep his crazy” because she wasn’t interested.

Ultimately she’s requiring  him to choose his wife or her. She’s behaving like a scorned lover. Geeze!

Bottom line, they all try to withhold their relationship/kids, whatever to hurt their fathers. That’s her choice and her problem. When she chose the behavior, she chose the consequence. They go hand in hand.

In our case, we are both ecstatic, as DH sees through her toxic BS. So I guess she can keep HER CRAZY, I’ll take DH.

If SIL and OSD want to cut you and your DH out of their lives, then I say fan-bloody-tastic.  That is 2 less toxic people you will have to deal with.  Too bad SGS is caught up in this but that is the price you pay as a child when your parents make choices for you.  I would suggest you enjoy your interlude, however brief it might be, from dealing with these two bullies.  Once your OSD and SIL realize their tactics are not working, I suspect they will return and try a different approach, but at that point in time you get to set the rules of engagement or disengagement.

all right, you ALL need to "PARK IT"

anyway, where are you going to find a nail long enough to go all the way through an ass and then also into a wall. and what about all the blood from the nail.