My DH 'tries' to be supportive of me when it comes to his sister and daughter, but suffers from too much guilt about the divorce, and lives in fear of saying or doing anything that would tick especially his daughter off, in case she walks out of his life and/or withholds him seeing his grandchildren

I've learned to just disengage from them, more and more each day, but gotta say DH was really on it last weekend

We both know that OSD is trying to PAS OSGS against me as much as she can. She is subtle (but not subtle enough LOL) and will do things like pump up DH to OSGS right before a visit with us. It's not that she will come out and say anything horrible about me, but, she will do the old "SGS, aren't you excited about seeing Grandpa DH?" "SGS, Grandpa DH bought you a new toy and is bringing it today" "SGS, make sure you tell Grandpa DH blah blah blah when he arrives" "SGS, make sure you run and give Grandpa a big happy hello and tell him how happy you are to see him" etc.. etc...

So when we arrive SGS does exactly what OSD has instructed him to do, runs to DH, does all of the above and it's as if I'm not there.

Now, DH & I both know she does this and silly her actually thinks that I care about that. Normally I just walk on by and don't even let on I noticed, let alone care. (SGS always ends up coming to me later when this part is done, and is by my side a lot, despite how much OSD tries to prevent it)

However this visit, after the initial greeting of Grandpa by SGS, and ignoring me, DH stops SGS in his tracks and says loudly "hey, what about Grandma Disillusioned? Where's her hello?"

Now, this child receives no encouragement at all to have a relationship with me (although OSD likes to drop him off with us and expects me to look after him) and she actively discourages him from liking me. But, when someone gives him "permission" as DH did, the child comes running to me, huge hug, big smile

This in turn ticks off OSD because she was hoping it would appear that SGS cares as little for me as her, only wants to see his grandpa, etc...and she follows up with completely ignoring me when we walk in the room, then her and DH's sister side up together to continue to act like I don't exist. All a big plan, but, DH foiled that one simply by making it clear that he expected respect from SGS for me, and that he would insure his wife was acknowledged the same as him

Add to that, that SGS was very happy to do that, irritates OSD even more. But good for DH for showing me this support!

And when DH gave SGS a gift from "us" the child looks at it, takes it, and is about to run off but again DH stops him and says "Did you thank Grandma Disillusioned"?) Well OSD snaps at this point, and says sarcastically "Did you thank GRANDPA DH?"

Later she takes out the game, and has coaxed SGS into playing it with DH's sister. The three of them are loudly laughing, carrying on as if this game is the best in the world. At least OSD and DH's sister seemed to be having fun, SGS was rather quiet and seem sort of bored. DH & I are having a good discussion with FIL and SSIL, and the entire time we're trying to talk they are getting louder and louder, drowning our conversation out

While this is going on I remember I left my purse in the kitchen so go to pick it up, as I'm coming out SGS looks up and sees me and runs over yelling "Grandma Disillusioned, can you be on my team?" Then before I can answer he runs back to his seat, and pulls the chair next to it out for me to sit on.

DH's sister and daughter go quiet, then start to pretend they don't notice, but DH again did notice and says wow, how sweet is that, look SGS even was a gentleman and pulled the chair out for Disillusioned, how cute etc.. etc..." DH is on to them, and again showing his support for his wife

Well DH's sister stands up and says she has stuff to do, Disillusioned can take over her game, play for her, and fill in for her, etc.. " and of course suddenly OSD loses interest in being part of the game any longer, but starts loudly talking about their new house to DH, and how they're putting in a pool for SGS, how SGS loves to swim, how SGS is going to have so much fun. On and on trying to distract SGS from the game with me, which works, he finally says "What pool Mommy?" and then as she tells him all about it he comes over to sit with her to hear about his pool

Once she's accomplished this, and he is no longer interested in having a game with me, she goes back to talking to everyone else in a normal tone. SGS gets bored and asked DH to help him "poke" Papa Fil. DH pretends to poke FIL in the ear, FIL pretends to poke DH in the ribs, SGS laughs his head off then yells "Grandma Disillusioned, you're on my team, come help me get Papa FIL"

So as soon as I get up to start our 'sneak attack" with SGS, OSD loses it and screams "SGS, do NOT poke Papa!"

FIL, DH & I look at each other. Poor little SGS froze on the spot. So I say calmly "SGS, we know this is just pretend and we're not really going to poke Papa Fil now are we?" SGS is nodding yes, and then FIL jumps up with a huge display of pretend poking SGS - thank you FIL! - his little way of showing his support, and lack of appreciation for OSD's behavior at the same time it would seem.

DH sister now comes back into the room, sits down beside me, then turns to face OSD, with her back completely to me. Very rude. Again I ignore and start talking to FIL and DH, but DH looks at me, looks at them, shakes his head a little and then says to his sister and daughter "how about we have a family discussion, that involves EVERYONE in the room" Very pointed, definitely drew attention to how rude his sister had just been to me...not that it had any real effect, at dinner they sat together and carried on in their loud discussion with each other, deliberately seated me away from them and completely ignored me

Of course the best course of action is what disengagement, and I continue to work hard at it, but boy it really makes it so much easier when you seem to have the support of your husband (not to mention FIL) that's for sure