Thanks so much Steve! What a blessing this website is. It is truly encouraging to read such similar stories as mine. I wonder why it is that most of us on here feel a connection because of our experiences and yet some of our spouses find it so hard to understand? Maybe it's just easier to sweep things under the rug and pretend that everything is peachy....I don't know. All I know is that someone usually ends up miserable. I love DH alot, if I didn't I would have left many years ago. But, I wish he would make me feel like he understands how I feel and quit making excuses for the selfish behavior of his kids. Again, thank you for your valuable input, I truly appreciate it.

There were a few responses....At first my SD said she would be happy to bring a dish and attend. BTW, they were both informed of the party a couple of months in advance, the email only went out 2 weeks before the party. Here are the emails:
FROM SD30:

BD – for personal reasons, I’m not going to be able to help with making the dip for SMs party. I will give you the recipe so that maybe someone who will be at the house that day helping you can possibly make it. It needs to set up for a couple of hours in the fridge.

I prefer not to go into my reasons because you may not understand. I have a habit of keeping things to myself because unfortunately my voice/life events are not heard.
I would also like for you to not make this a big deal by not telling SM or Dad. This really is an internal battle.
Thanks for understanding.

BD's response and a CC sent to SS as well:

SD30 -I'm a little confused by your email to say the least. On one hand I'm assuming you're still planning on coming to the party? But on the other hand because of your "internal battle regarding your voice/life events" not being heard, you don't feel like you will be able to make a dip? It is obvious that you have issues with my mother, that is what i am assuming this is about, then why are you even bothering to come to her party? Both Mom and Dad know, because of your friends enlightenment at your reception, how you, SS34 and others feel towards my mother. I'm sure your friend shared with you what she told my Mom about how everyone feels about her. What I'd like to know is, do you and SS34 not assume any responsibility for anything, or is my Mom going to get the blame for everything that has happened over the last 25 years? I find it really sad that you and SS34 both don't feel a natural desire to communicate with your Dad on a regular basis and can't find importance in initiating a phone call or even returning one for that matter. I'm assuming that you are feeling this way because Mom and Dad didn't come to your wedding? At that point Dad wasn't sure if he was going to even be able to keep his job, but still because of Mom's insistance, and yes it was her, that Dad give you a thousand dollar wedding gift, what a bitch huh? Whether you beleive it or not Mom and Dad both were very disappointed that they weren't able to go to Mexico for your wedding. They also were afraid that there would be repercussions because they weren't able to go. Guess they were right. You know, if you spent half as much time trying to understand their voices/life events as you do your own then I don't think there would be an issue at all. I don't know what to say to you SD30, because I think that my mom is going to be blamed for all of the negative feelings that you and SS34 have no matter what. I think it's time that everyone take a good long hard look in the mirror and quit blaming others for their shortcomings and assume a little bit of the responsibility for what has happened to this "Family"!

You want to talk about feelings getting hurt? How about we talk about the toasts made at your wedding reception. Here I am standing there, not being involved in any way, and SIL gets up to give a toast about how she has always wanted a sister and how she is so glad that she met SS34 because now she has the sister she always wanted. Talk about the wind getting knocked out of me. Why do you think we left right after that, kinda hard to hold in the tears after hearing something like that. My whole entire life I had always hoped that we could get past the "step" and just be sisters, at this point I think I can safely say that is never going to happen.

Another thing that blows my mind is how you can hold all of these grudges towards my Mom when she has done nothing to you, and yet after all of the things that your mother has said and done to both of you, you are able to forgive that?

I lived my whole entire life without my "blood" father not wanting to be a part of it, thank god I got to share "your" dad. I will never understand how you and SS34 both can treat him the way that you do. You act like he doesn't even matter to you, you can't call to see how he's doing, you can't return a phone call when he leaves a message, it's like pulling teeth to organize a family dinner. I can't even begin to imagine how he feels about all of this. Both of his parents are dead, he rarely sees his brothers, you won't return his calls, thank God he has my mother. Shame on you both for making him feel like he doesn't matter.

I realize that me writing this letter to you might not be the best thing for out "family's" future, but i really don't give a damn, i can't hold it in anyomore, i've been doing it for as long as i can remember. As far as me not sharing this with Dad and SM, that's not he way I'm wired. I'm not like you. When there is something like this that is causing so much hurt between the people that you love and the people that are the most important to you, my philosophy is to get it all out in the open and let the wounds heal once and for all. That's what families do.

Sincerely, BD28

SS34 response:

Not sure where this applies to me. Kind of disapointing to hear but you are entitled to your own point of view. My lack of attendence to the party is nothing personal. I don't harbor any opinions/ill will about SD30 wedding. It's not my business or my concern. I don't play the blame game, BD. I accept reality and move on. I'd venture to guess my effort regarding getting together and talking on the phone are proportionate to what I receive. You don't know the half of it from where I stand. Something to think about. If you want people to embrace the party perhaps you could include them a little earlier in the planning. A 2 week window is pretty tight. All it takes is a little email, "50th birthday coming up in a couple months let's keep it in mind". Just saying, probably would resolve a lot of the heartache. This communication thing, it's a two-way street.

Anyhow, this is just a taste of it. I think I will just let DH go alone and direct any questions and concerns to me, I have pretty much had it with these two. Thanks for listening!