I didn't include the fact that there have been family discussions with the SD30 before. This is really not about resolution because there is no talking to her. It has always turned into a screaming match. She has one view and that is her own. This is not just my perception, it's DH's as well. If I felt in my heart that the meeting would really be to resolve emotional hurts, I would be there with bells on. In truth, however, I know that this will just be a bashing party with me being the guest of honor. If this were for resolution, I have whole heartedly apologized MANY times in the past when I felt she had her feelings hurt for whatever reason, this is something she is incapable of doing. In my opinion, the reason she isn't able to forgive me is because she really doesn't know why she feels the way she does. It is just a culmination of 25 years of resentment burned into her by a CRAZY BM. She was always told that my BD and myself had taken her place and how DH had a "new family" now. BM put both SD and SS through torture growing up. BTW, BM is the one who pursued a divorce, my DH loved her and wanted to work on their marriage. Anyway, we have always tried to show them how we were all a family, providing their own bedrooms in our home, taking family vacations, being present at all of their activities, showing tons of affection and anything else we could think of to blend. I think the only person that can help her really get to the bottom of her problems is a psychologist. She also resents the fact that her father and I wanted her to try and work out her problems in her first marriage, not just slam the door. God knows we have been through enough hell in our marriage to give advice on trying to make things work, not just run out the door the first time the going gets tough. It has nothing to do with my being a "grown adult" and leading by example. I have taken the high road for 25 years, walked around on egg shells because it seemed no matter what I did, it was hurting her feelings. She hears that it's going to rain tomorrow and it's my fault....get the picture? She's not looking to resolve anything, she wants to point out all of my shortcomings. My DH has spoken with her over the phone about her issues and she is still hung up on the fact that 11 years ago, after she graduated high school, when she moved in with us that he had a private chat with her and told her that she is to respect me as an authority while living here. Apparently, that really stuck in her craw. For that to be one of her complaints 11 years later. Hell, she doesn't even admit that she doesn't return DH phone calls, so I can't expect her to admit the reasons of my "having a problem with her" could possibly be her fault. My problem with her is that she has a sense of entitlement about her, regarding everything. Everything is Everyone's fault other than her own. This all escalated when my BD sent out invitations for my 50th bday. SD agreed to make an appetizer to bring. The next day she sent my BD an email telling her that for personal reasons she wouldn't be able to bring one and that she would explain to my BD but BD just wouldn't understand. She continued on that "her voice and life events" don't get heard. Well, let me tell you, we hear them LOUD AND CLEAR. She said she just couldn't bring herself to do anything nice for me since it was my fault that DH and I didn't attend her 2nd wedding in Mexico!! It's always been about her needs and our failures AND what we can do for her. Quite frankly, if it makes me a bad person to finally say ENOUGH, then so be it.

Dear Longtime, what a relief to actually find out someone else has had similar problems with their SS and/or SD. I can't believe how your insight hit the nail on the head. Our situations sound so much alike I felt as if I was reading my own thoughts. It has truly gotten to the point with both SD and SS that I find it hard to even think about the holidays. I'm sure we won't see SD because she wants the "meeting of the minds" first. I, like you have let DH handle all of their tirades. Usually if they have a complaint, they call his cell phone anyway. DH is very soft spoken (almost as if he is worried he will lose them if he speaks up even though he feels like I do) and has told SD that we will set up a time to talk. I plainly told him, there is NO WAY that I will sit and be attacked and disrespected by someone who isn't capable of admitting fault and blaming the wicked SM for every negative thing in her life. I think one of the things that upsets me is the fact that after all of the years of HELL we went through with a sociopathic BM, I am now expected to join in for every birthday for the grand kids, Easter, home decor party and a multitude of other occasions when she is invited also. Don't get me wrong, I have done this in the past, with a smile on my face and tried to appear to be comfortable for the SD/SS sakes and to not cause more hurt for my DH. NO MORE! Why am I always the one who has to accept everything so this can all appear normal? How can they sit back and expect this of me after all that she personally put DH and I through for all these years, let alone what her actions have done to them?! We have done so many things to accomodate SS/SD it sickens me. We don't really matter to them, there are never calls to see how we are or any type of communication unless we initiate it. It is so one sided and I really don't understand why it's this way. Last Thanksgiving, we moved our time together with SS/SD to the Saturday before so we could accomodate them being able to spend the holiday with the other in-laws, BM etc.. 2 weeks before that Saturday, I sent a nice email to them all reminding them of the dinner and what would be served, the time, etc. The email I received from my SS wife was apologetic telling me that they had forgotten about the dinner and how she had planned to go with SD that day so SD could try on wedding dresses. SD called DH at work to tell him that she had forgotten as well and had dress appts. and she and fiance were having furniture delivered that afternoon. She said they would be there ASAP that afternoon. DH told them that dinner would be served at 3 p.m.(I was baking a prime rib that can't sit for 2 hours, waiting). SD showed up at around 230. Her fiance however was still at home 40 mins away waiting on the furniture. DH and I had no problem with that but the prime rib I had prepared couldn't wait for him (he had asked us not to wait). When I announced that dinner was being served, if looks could kill I would have dropped dead right there. She was so furious with me that she was shaking. She remained in the living room and I wasn't aware that she was upset until I went in and told her again that dinner was ready. She couldn't even look at me, her eyes were darting around and she snipped that she was waiting for her fiance. I kindly said, "well, honey, why don't you atleast come in and have a glass of tea with us?" I'm sure she was thinking how big of a bitch I was for not waiting. I didn't do it intentionally, I had other guests and everyone else was hungry. This is just a prime example that no matter what I do, it isn't the right thing. I have heard the theory of why we didn't go to her wedding...........it's because I supposedly thought it was extravagant..I personally could care less, as long as my DH didn't have to pay for it again. God, I could go on and on. I guess I am just grasping at straws to try and figure them out. I had so hoped that when they grew up they could finally have a relationship with their father. I guess there is too much psychological hurt for that to ever happen, 99% of which I blame on their BM and her sick mind games when they were growing up. Thanks again for listening to me ramble...sincerely.