First off, I must say that marrying DH is the best thing I've ever done in my life. He is a beautiful soul and in 12 days we will be at our 1 yr anniv. He backs me in pursuing my personal goals and basically is the best provider that I've ever been with. I quit my job in Oct 08 b/c I am in Nursing School (first yr to be completed May 21, 09). We have a wonderful relationship when it's just him and I. He gets SD4 and I feel like I start to lose it. From the moment I know she's coming til the moment she walks out of the door I am irritated, nasty, have a headache, don't want to be affectionate with DH (he can't kiss me, barely can touch me). We get into arguments that are never a factor when she is not here, and basically I question everything that DH and I have.

I know that he wants to spend time with her as he only really see her once a month...but do I stop existing when she get here. I have a hard time interacting with her because I really have no desire to do so. I don't want to be a stepmother, I don't want to take care of BM child and I simply can't be fake about it. I've prayed to God, cried out to my husband, discussed it until my face was blue...but nothing changes about my attitude.

I hate that he has to pay $1200 a month in CS for both Skids. I hate that he still has to feed them when they come here, and the fact that he still buys them stuff when they are here. I hate that the BM of SD4 is allowed to be a leach...I basically hate the fact the Skids and BMs exist. I really don't feel bad about the way that I feel...But I know my relationship w/ Skids is hurting DH.

I just really feel that after 2.5 yrs of dating and 1 yr of marriage and my feelings have never changed...they probably never will...Just had to vent.