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How many of you would stay in contact with skids....

dadsnewwife's picture

Just many of you would stay in contact with your skids if your spouse died?

Dh and I have discussed this more than once. Dh gets depressed because he knows I wouldn't. His 3 sons were older when we met and I have no connection with them nor does he to my 4 daughters. The difference is...MY daughters have a their father if anything happened to me, but his sons don't have another parent. Their mother has been out of the picture since 1997 and although she keeps in touch with her sons, they don't have much of a relationship with her. She is mentally ill and can barely take care of herself and hasn't seen her sons in like 5 years. To the, "Dad's house" is "home" for the holidays and where they come to visit, not their mother's. Dh has had health issues, so gets depressed that if he dies, his sons will have noone to turn to and nowhere to go at the holidays. His 3 sons are 32, 31, and 21. They all have abused drugs and have mental issues, so there is little chance any of them will marry and have more "family" in their lives. It's very sad, but I don't feel this late in my life that they are MY responsibility to care for at the holidays or any other time. I have nothing in common with them (nor do my daughters). Dh knows I would move out-of-state closer to my family if anything happened to him and then...his sons would have nowhere to go. He was a single father for years, and with the mental issues all of his sons have, he has this unnatural feeling of responsibility towards them even though they are adults. I disengaged from his sons almost a year or more ago, so you can imagine his sons don't think much of me either. I had been through their drug use for 4 years and it almost ruined my marriage. It was time to disengage.

K.C.'s picture


LONGTIME SM's picture

As in intact families they have each other when their parents pass. Your husband should not expect you to try to maintain a relationship in this situation.

twopines's picture

Exactly. His sons can get together with each other for holidays and whatnot. Very sensible and normal.

Poodle's picture

They'd contact me once to take whatever was left in the will then that would be it -- a mutual end to our trials and tribulations. Sorry your DH feels bad about their being left as orphans effectively, but that is what happens when parents die -- he seems somewhat unrealistic and childlike in his hopes.

Sweet T's picture

I still have contact with my stepsons despite our divorce will be final on Monday. I just had them and their mom over last week. I wish it was because mine died...

twopines's picture

Not me. I don't have their phone numbers or addresses. I can't imagine the point of me keeping in contact with them.

hereiam's picture

Nope, no reason to.

And it's not because I hate her or there is bad blood between us but there is nothing else between us, either.

AllySkoo's picture

Guess I'm the oddball. Yeah, I would, for the sake of my bios if nothing else - my SDs are their sisters and I would want them to have that. I'd probably see them less (not that I see them all that much NOW) because I honestly don't like their choices all that much and I don't want my own kids to be like them. But I'd encourage at least SOME contact with their siblings, yeah.

(Just for the record, it's nothing illegal or dangerous, no drug use or other crap. And the SDs aren't Bad girls. But 2 teen pregnancies, sleazy boyfriends, "ghetto talk", dead end jobs or welfare collecting... *sigh* Yeah, NOT what I want for my kids!)

Smellissa's picture

Anyone who knows my situation knows that I would definitely still see both SDs, but this brought another question to mind. If I died, would Hubby still take my SDs to see my family?

Hubby seems to be having a busy day at work today, but I'd really like to call him and find out.

My mom, step-dad, brother and sisters see SDs as their nieces and nephews (not their sister's kids - they definitely fell ownership towards SDs) and my SDs know them as THEIR family to!

Orange County Ca's picture

I would not initiate contact even on Holidays unless they had been in contact the previous year.

I understand you're fed up and with good reason. Listen you can't save everyone and sometimes you can only save yourself.

But sometimes lying is not a bad thing to do especially when you're talking to someone about something that is to happen after they die.

Anon2009's picture

I get along with my SDs. Hopefully we'd remain in touch. However, if they decided not to and wanted out of step life, I'd understand and respect that too.

ChiefGrownup's picture

My skids are both still minors. I have told my DH that I would offer to their mother to maintain the same visitation schedule they now have (or some adjustment but similar). I would try to continue to instill his values in his kids. I would also make sure they visited their dad's relatives.

The BM would probably take me up on this because she can barely tolerate her own kids for the short half week she has them now.

I would do this because they are a piece of him and I love him lots. Especially for the boy I feel I still have a lot to offer. He is autistic and his BM has done the bare minimum (not even that really) of training him and developing his abilities. He's doing better since I came along and I would want to keep that up. Also, before I came along his older sister was allowed to torment him mercilessly. I put a stop to that and would not want to leave him unprotected again.

There's a chance the girl might yet be influenced for the positive, as well.

At the very least, my in laws deserve better than what they would get from BM alone so I would be there to make sure the kids maintain contact with them.

So, yes, I would keep up with them.

cmwolfe1264's picture

I would because of the relationship I have established with my grandchildren and some of my husband's siblings. However, I do not have any family where we live and I don't know if the grandchildren would be enough of a reason to stay here. Especially since their Father won't be there to encourage a good relationship with me so the relationships with the SKs could go downhill FAST!! If that were to happen again, I would definitely move far, far away. I would hate hurting the grands but so have to look out for myself especially if I am alone Sad

Bio-Step-Mom's picture

I do not have any ill-will towards skids, but I doubt I'd have any type of relationship with them if DH and I split or he died.

And I doubt my bios would want any relationship with DH or skids if we split or I died.

eh. It is what it is.

SMto2's picture

While I'd like to think it might be possible, I feel almost certain SSs would not want any relationship with either me or my 2 DSs with DH in that circumstance. In fact, one reason I decided to have DS #2 with DH was that I knew that if something happened to DH and me, our DS #1 would not have any contact with SSs and would be without any immediate family. Now he and DS #2 have each other, which gives me peace of mind.

weekendwidow's picture

Nope. There is absolutely no reason to be in contact with them. I'm sure I will get a "where's my stuff" text message, but not a phone call.

BethAnne's picture

I have thought about this a few times and haven't reached an answer yet. SD is only 6, she is sweet and we get along, but she isn't mine. I truly detest BM, just seeing her makes my stomach churn. I feel it would be good for SD to keep me in her life as I would be a good influence that she wouldn't receive from elsewhere in her family. But at the same time I want nothing to do with her mother. My husband has said that he would expect me to make sure that SD was ok and looked after, but the way things are set up she would be financially supported via an insurance payout (better than I would). Though her mother isn't that great with money and is currently unable to look after SD full time due to physical/mental disabilities. Perhaps if BM agreed to me sharing legal parental rights via addoption I would consider it, but otherwise as the way things stand I think I would have little to do with SD.

whatamess's picture

As things stand today, I would not. There is one I would touch base with periodically but the other two, no. I don't see them now so nothing would change.

momof5_1969's picture

They don't have any contact with me now except when they want that's a big NO. I've already even decided I will change my will if he dies first and leave them out of everything. Nothing says that I have to keep them in my will if he goes first. I would rather all of my stuff go to anybody but them. They are a***holes.

z3girl's picture

I know DH would wish our bios would continue to have contact with SD23, but I'm fairly confident we wouldn't see her anymore. We only see her once or twice a year as it is. I would actually prefer not to have her around my bios because I'm not impressed with how she has turned out so far, and would hate to have her influence my kids in any way. I don't dislike her, but there is no connection, and what little I do know is not impressive.

Pilgrim Soul's picture

I actually have a real life example, as I had skids in my first marriage, pretty decent skids by comparison. After that marriage broke up, I have not had any interactions with them. ( My ex is alive and remarried, so it would be awkward).

My 1st SS from that marriage is only 5 years younger than me, lives in Europe and visits his dad, my ex, infrequently. He is wonderful to my boys ( who are the same age as his older daughter) and i encourage them to respond in kind, to their half-brother and niece. They love him, which is very heart-warming. Their half-sister, who is in her 30s, with two kids of her own, has always been indifferent to them, and i feel no need to encourage anything or to stay in touch. When she had her second baby, i put together a gift for the boys to give to her. I wish they had a better relationship with her, but they don't. She is a cold fish.

I am sure that with my current skids the relationship would continue if DH suddenlly died - in court.

Rags's picture

I have raised him as my own since SS-21 (nearly 22) was 15mos old. I would stay in touch with my son.

marriageplus2's picture

If DH was sick or suddenly died.....I have thought about that "what if", I would not contact them. They are his little mini wives and they are making my life a living hell. I would love to have the chance to see the look on their face when they find out I screwed them over in a way only a wife can do. "Nope, sorry ADULT kids, your daddy (weed smoking buddy) died last week and I have already spread the ashes". "Oh, by the way he never got around to getting his will made out leaving everything to you, so you won't be getting anything....ever". (sound of slamming door).

ltman's picture

Make sure of the laws in your state. Some states have it if the parent dies without a will the estate is divided up with the spouse getting half or less and the rest going to the children. NC is one. In some instances the surviving spouse gets as little as one third of the estate.

missflo's picture

I seriously doubt it, they resent me. Tolerate me, but resentment is there. He is all we have in common really. Pretty sure if he was gone there would be no contact.
Wouldn't destroy me.

sandye21's picture

I haven't seen or heard from SD in 3 1/2 years and have no desire to change it. Don't know her phone number and don't plan to. If DH gets sick and wants to see her she can visit him in the hospital under strict limitations. I do not want her in my home. If DH passes I'll notify his family and they can relay the message to her. Sounds pretty cold but I can not trust her as far as I can throw her. I am not taking any chances.

jeaniemarie's picture

I don't talk to the older one now, so I would see no reason to keep in touch with him if something were to happen to my fiance. I would not have a problem being in touch with the younger one, but somehow I doubt that would happen. Their mom would make damn sure of that! The two kids cut their step-grandmother out of their lives after their grandfather died. I believe they would do the same thing to me.

marigold's picture

I wouldn't. I don't like either one of dh's adult kids right now due to certain situations we're involved with them in at the moment.

Unfortunately, his son lives with us right now, and I cannot wait for the day he moves out.

Done62's picture

Hell No....I don't have a relationship with them now and my FDH is alive and kicking....

Sweetnothings's picture

Hell no !!!

Once they had said their farewells to their Father, if they even bothered to turn up, and I had carried out any last wishes on my DH's behalf, which I would honour, I will NEVER lay eyes on them again.

dmtst's picture

No 2 SS will barely speak to me, their invisible stepmom as it is. They would only ask at the Funeral what they get, and probably conspire to kill me to get it all. They only think of him as a bank today, and a windfall of cash when he dies. They are just 2 greedy immature adults that only care about what they can get from DH...that won't change if he dies, they will still want his hard earned $$$, and all they can get, without ever trying to have a real relationship with him while he is alive. No doubt that BM will encourage them to sue me for all his money so she can get some from them!

shes driving me crazy in my retirement's picture

I would have no problem staying in touch with two of my DH's children. They are very nice, caring people. The third one, the Twit, no way no how. Heck, I don't want anything to do with her now.

joan mary's picture

Tell your DH that the fantasy of a step mom that comes in to "save the day" is just that - a fantasy. Parents die, people move away, some relationships last and some don't. Live in the real world and accept that the relationships are what they are and all the wishing or saddness wont change the facts.

Encourage him to have the kind of relationship with his kids that he wants while he is alive. Maybe then he will realize that is the best gift he can give them and he can accept the limitations of the kids.

dadsnewwife's picture

Thanks for all of your replies. I feel less guilty now for not feeling responsible for adult stepkids if dh were to pass. I guess I should consider myself lucky...dh's sons have never treated me disrespectfully or unkind. They are actually kind-hearted boys with just some major mental/addiction problems. As for the life insurance (which is all dh has), I would probably give them some if they needed it, but I would be watching them VERY closely. The oldest is on disability for mental illness (unrehabilitative drug user), so obviously NO money would go to him. SS31 is doing fine on his own, but has always been good to his dad (other than the 6 years he was on drugs)and SS21...well, the jury is still out on him. I simply do not have any kind of connection to them and honestly, don't care.

Jelly2's picture

I'd have just enough contact with them for them to clean out the shed of rusty tools-because everything else we have dh and I got together. Im sure they would prowl around like the money hungry wolves they are, but nope, not a dime neither when dh dies or when I do. I would probably have to get restraining orders on them!

LadyOfShalott's picture

Two of my three skids are diagnosed bipolar, so I will actually be rather happy and relieved the day I need never deal with them again. If DH goes first, I may not even have a "funeral" for him, so I don't have to invite them to it. }:)