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Its me or them- Is this wrong?

zerostepdrama's picture

Let me start off by saying, I have not had to have this conversation with DH and have not had to do this. But because of the situation and the possibility, this may come up. And NOT saying I would say THEM or ME.

DH and skids (and BM) live in one state. State A

DH's family and BM's family live in another state. State B

BM/skids will go to State A a couple of times a year. Skids get to see BM's family but does not see DH's family during this time (understandable)

DH does not get to make it home to State B very often.

We are thinking about going to State B for Thanksgiving.

The 2 other times that I have been to State B with DH we have not taken the skids or my BS. It was a very adult trip. Once we went in the summer and once we went for Thanksgiving but went out to bars, etc.

I am worried that if we do go to State B for Thanksgiving, YSD will ask to come along.

If she does, I DO NOT want to go at all.

The thought of being in the car with her for 6+ hours makes me want to cry. I can't do it. Won't do it.

If she came with us to State B there is a strong possibility that she would go to BM's family for part of the trip. So I wouldnt have to deal with her the whole time.

I dont want to say to DH, me or her.

I think it's important that she gets to see her relatives on her dad's side, because she doesnt get to see them very often.

However, the trip wouldnt really be "kid friendly". DH and his family (cousins, same age) like to go out and drink and have fun when they are together. This is what we would end up doing after Thanksgiving dinner. So YSD would end up at BM's family anyways. As she has in the past. DH's family is weird and the likelihood of YSD staying with them is like zlich.

If I say You go with YSD, I'm staying here, I miss out on seeing DH's relatives and becoming part of the family. Also I put my DH in a tough spot and I dont want to do that.

Of course I could suck it up. Just deal with it.

And of course I could point out the reasons why I dont think YSD should even come on the trip with us.
-More money for food
-have to be on a kid schedule as opposed to an adult schedule. (as a parent I have no problem with that, as a Step Parent- I have a problem with it.)
-We would have to drive all over town to take YSD to BM's family, etc.

Thoughts? I'm way over thinking this... but what do others do?

YSD and I do not speak to each other at all. She acts like I dont even exist. I'm not sure that DH's family is even aware of the situation and it would make it even more awkward.


Sports Fan's picture

I totally understand your situation. Ours is the same. DH and BM grew up and went to school together so both their parents live in the same state. We now live in a different state 11 hours away from their original state.

In our case DH's parents would be more than happy to entertain skids while we did adult things but even so I would never do a trip like this. I would never survive the hours in the car with them. If we flew, maybe I would consider it but only if my BS came as well. I would never do a trip just us and skids. We barely survive our weekends with them because BM does so much PASing.

DH took skids to visit once before we got married and I did not go. I was fine with it. The only part I didn't like was that DH and I didn't see each other for the 6 days. DH took skids to see BM's parents twice during the trip. I wouldn't of did that if I were him, but his decision. If BM wants skids to have a relationship with her parents I feel it's on her to do it, not DH. They haven't seen skids since. BM has only visited once since the divorce. Apparently she didn't appreciate her family coming down on her for her affair and how she treated DH.

zerostepdrama's picture

DH's mom isn't your typical mom or grandma. She doesnt want to be bothered. I am sure if YSD asked to stay with her Grandma, she could stay there, but she wouldnt, because she would be bored there. Nothing to do.

I'm fine with DH doing trips with the skids without me. However its unlikely that DH will do this because he is so damn co-dependent at times it's like he needs me up his ass.

Willow2010's picture

YUK!! I would tell DH the following.

"Hey DH...If we go out to State B can we make it an adult vacation? I SOOO need some adult time. My BS is even getting on my nerves and it will be nice to have some alone time with you and get some partying done!"

Then if he still wants to take SD...I would wait a few weeks and make some excuse not to be able to go.

zerostepdrama's picture

LOL! He knows if I say that- what I really mean is- Dont even think about inviting YSD because if you do, I'm not going.

zerostepdrama's picture

I dont even see DH wanting to deal with YSD. But he may have it in his head that his family would want to see YSD. Yes for about 30 minutes and then everyone else is back to their own lives and now we are stuck with her.

B22S22's picture

I'd wonder what would become of SD if your DH still wanted to go bar hopping after dinner?

Does your SD ever stay with DH's family?

zerostepdrama's picture


YSD hasnt even lived in the same state as them since she was 8. She is now 15.

I think DH's mom has came to visit 2 times since DH has moved to this state. 1 time was summer 2013 and she was at our house and there was no plan for YSD to even come over and visit.

IMO DH's family isn't even that close. His own mom (my MIL) is a take it or leave it. If she sees you- fine. If not- fine.

Everyone has a "great" "relationship" over FB, but IMO that is the extent of it.

zerostepdrama's picture

You would think... but it is SD's family who we would be going to see. And she doesnt get to see them any other time, unless DH takes her along. And he doesnt go to that state very often.....

zerostepdrama's picture

The way the relationship is with YSD, I couldnt even pretend to like her, even around DH's family. I would prefer to not have to be fake or on edge or walking on egg shells.

If the trip doesnt work out, I am actually totally okay with that, because then I can go Black Friday shopping Smile with my sister.

zerostepdrama's picture

DH just sees it as a trip "going home" and not a vacation. To me, if I am taking time off work, time away from my own bio, money, and the drive- it better be enjoyable for me Smile LOL

Sports Fan's picture

I'm very protective of my vacation time. It's called vacation time for a reason. You're not suppose to be miserable during it. Otherwise you get back to work and feel like you didn't take any time off. You wasted your time and now have to wait until your next vacation period. I've had this happen way more times than it should have in my life and now I protect my time. I do things I am going to enjoy. I'm not saying I won't do anything with skids but if it's on my vacation time it is going to be because I want to.

Teas83's picture

I can understand how you're feeling. We spent Thanksgiving with my husband's family this year. I think they can tell that I've sort of disengaged from SD and I felt kind of uncomfortable being around them with SD there. They wouldn't understand why I don't want to be around her.

Is your husband the kind that would accuse you of hating his child if you ask that she not go with you?

zerostepdrama's picture

He knows I do not like his kids and he knows exactly why. So he wouldnt really be that surprised if I said I was skipping it if YSD was tagging along.