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No longer want any kind of relationship with adult stepdaughter

bedazzled's picture

My Dh is 69 and I am 56. He has 2 children SD 33 SS 31. They have bullied me since day one. Nothing has ever changed it has only gotten worse. DH has enabled them to bully me. He will not stand up to them. He is afraid if he does they won't talk to him anymore. Stepdaughter has a kid now and she uses it as leverage.

Stepdaughter has now taken a role in my DH life that I feel has totally crossed the line. I feel here goal is to totally get rid of me once and for all. Her and her husband did the same to his Mother. They got rid of her husband. My DH cannot see his sweet little girl as the person she really is, so he says it is all just in my head.

So, My DH has a birthday coming up in 2 weeks. SD has taken it upon herself to throw DH a birthday party. Never said a word to me. DH and I were out of town and she sends him a message with the party list. I had no idea of any of it. She is inviting DH sisters and husbands and their kids. Her husbands family including the MIL whose husband they ran off. I am not invited either are any of my 3 kids. DH says to me well I will just take you with even if she doesn't like it. No way in hell would I go.

He also said he asked her before all this party thing that she needs to tell me she is sorry for how she has treated my for the last 14 years. He is the thing I do not want anykind of relationship with her. It is way way to late for that. Her bullying of me was very bad. It really affected myself esteam. I have picked myself back up with no help from DH. I am not willing to go down that road again. She has not said she was sorry, instead she started planning the party.

I feel it is a wife's position to have a party for her husband. It is not SD place. Her doing it behind my back and not even inviting his wife. I told husband I have had it. She has gone to far this time. That he does have a wife and she is not it. I know if he says anything to her she will try to make it so he thinks she is just being nice. She does not have nice, she only has backstabbing manipulation.

DH says he will tell her he does not want a party. We will see. He has never said no to her before. DH says he wants us all to be a happy family. It is way to late for that. Way to much cruel manipulative water under the bridge that he allowed. I don't go any where near her anymore and I will not put myself in any situation again where she can play her games. She is a evil
human being.

I told DH I will not be sitting at home by myself while his daughter plays the roll of Daddy's wife. I will start living my own life. It is DH's fault for not putting a stop to it years ago.
Now he can live with it. I can honestly say that I hate her.

Is anyone else at the point where they do not want any kind of a relationship with Skids at all? How has it work for you? Did it make your marriage better or worse?

Veritas's picture

Oh yes, I am there....I have no relationship with adult SS and finally my DH gets why I don't. It is mostly DH's fault for not backing me and shutting down the shit that SS would spew. All passive aggressive and narcissistic crap. Trying to make himself look like he was trying to have a relationship with me so DH would keep saying, "see, he's trying"....blah!!!

She is drawing a line in the sand. She is calling you out. I don't know you but I know for me personally, I would shut it down. You mentioned your DH is telling her to cancel it and that is good, but for me, if mine did not cancel it, I would cancel the marriage.

Each circumstance is different but you are not crazy, what the SD is doing is wrong on a hundred different levels and I'm sorry you are having to go through such an unnecessary hell....(((hugs)))

Frustrated a lot's picture

I have read the original post and many of the comments. It helps to know I'm not alone and I'm not crazy! My husband has three adult daughters. The youngest lives with mom and has made herself the ex wife's attack dog and trouble maker. She is beyond manipulative and does these things that are sometimes veiled and other times obvious and meant to hurt me. She is the baby so he will say she's just a kid. She's 21 and has done really rude things over the years and she knows full well exactly what she's doing. She is her mother's mini me. Her mother still wants full control and is a horrible narcissist so she uses her daughter to manipulate. It's very evil. There are so many things that have happened from making sure I'm not in pictures to threatening to kick my ass because my husband dragged me to his ex in-laws when we were in town near them. I didn't want to go because it seemed awkward and I didn't believe they wanted me there but he insisted they invited me too. It was awkward and the ex mother in law was not friendly. He has known them for years and misses them. The evil ex wife demanded everyone in her family cut off my husband after their divorce especially after he moved on with me. Even though she is the one that wanted the divorce and filed for divorce. She just forbid her parents from accepting him with someone else and she has also been instigated her kids against me and accepting us together. She is just evil and bitter and can't stand him moving on and wants to try make everyone miserable. She is used to having control and can't stand that now I'm in the picture. She can't stand the thought of her kids being even friends with me.  She has used me as a scapegoat even though I had nothing to do with their breakup at all. I did not even meet my husband until a month before his divorce was final. His divorce had been going on for almost a year. He tried to get her to go to counseling and she refused and would not even discuss reconciliation. He never cheated on her. When she wouldn't even talk to him, he decided to move on. Because she doesn't want to be seen as the one that decided to break up the family, she decided to use me as her scapegoat. When there have been family events her parents and brother look at me like I'm a horrible person or a home wrecker. They don't talk to me. I have no clue what she has told them but it has to be doozies, some lying nasty shit to make them act that way toward me when they know she's the one that wanted the divorce and filed and wouldn't even talk to my husband about reconciliation. Honestly I can't imagine what she tells people but she's a horrible vindictive narcissistic control freak so who knows. She has taught her youngest to be the same type of person. The world revolves around them and these girls have been treated like princesses their whole lives. The ones that live with mom are beyond self absorbed and want nothing but attention and praise 24/7. It's all about them all the time. Their dad my husband just went along with the spoiling and entitlement that his ex raised them with. He spoiled them too, not nearly as much as their mother.  The younger two are honestly the most self absorbed people I've ever been around in my life. I have made up my mind that I'm done with the two youngest. I don't want to be around them at all. The youngest especially has done conniving things to cause problems between me and my husband. She does things that she thinks will cause conflict. She does things to try to either hurt me or get under my skin to make me feel excluded, slighted, and also does passive aggressive things. She will do something horribly rude and exclusionary to me snd then a week later do something nice in front of my husband so she can say look dad I tried. It's all a very cunning manipulative phony act. I don't know if her mom gives her these ideas or she comes up with them all on her own. I see through ALL of it but my husband doesn't want to believe these games are intentional. For example she sent a secret package to my husband. It was anonymous. It was something that could have been sent by another woman. My husband was determined to figure out who sent it. He called his siblings and kids. His oldest said it may have been sent by his youngest. So he asked her and two days later she finally admitted it was her with the help of someone else. Obviously she meant his ex. Never have my husband's kids ever sent him anything anonymously because they want the attention and credit if they give him anything. And of course they cannot include me in any gift they give even though I have given them gifts. I don't give them anything anymore though I'm done being nice or giving to these selfish rude brats. I should clarify it's the younger two. The older one is much better probably because she is on her own and doesn't live with her mother who is a very poisonous influence. Anyway I believe that gift was sent with the intention of causing me to think it was from another woman and causing a fight between me and my husband. I think if his oldest daughter hadn't told him it was the youngest that sent it, he wouldn't have found out who sent it. That's some evil conniving behavior. This is just one example. Who does this kind of plotting? Someone that would go to these lengths to cause divisions and conflicts I don't even want to be in the same room with, ever. Some step kids just have evil motives and obviously only care about themselves and not their parent or their parents happiness. 

BobbyDazzler's picture

My oldest stepson. I disengaged from him several years back and it's very freeing. He doesn't bother with his father, my DH, so that makes it easier for me. I truly wouldn't care if he fell off the face of the Earth.

Miss T's picture

I gave in to something like this early in my marriage. It set a bad precedent which I regret it to this day--ten years later. Today this would be my hill to die on.

Based on your past posts, you've been fighting essentially this same battle with these creatures for at least a couple of years. That's no way to live. Stop it at once. You need to fight this manipulation. If your DH doesn't back you up or gives in to his daughter's machinations, he needs to pay a very, very steep price. I would dump him.

 

sandye21's picture

I have not seen my SD in 7 years - it's been sheer bliss. My DH created this situation because like your DH he could not seem to find the courage to set limits with SD when it came to her obnoxious behavior. I would give your DH the choice of treating you with respect as his wife or living with a SD who WANTS to be his wife. SD needs to be shut down NOW!!!

Elena77's picture

Does your husband still have regular contact with his daughter even though you don't?  If so, does this bother you?

Thanks!!

TX2step's picture

This is exactly what I'm facing. Some day I will share the details of my horror.

Elena77's picture

 Hugs to you

Dovina's picture

I hope your DH sticks to what he says. You get to the point where you just cant turn the other cheek anymore. I don't blame you for not wanting to have a relationship with someone who obviously wants to cause discord. Its toxic and unhealthy for you.
My SD did the very same thing regarding her daddees special bday. It must be exhausting for them to think of all the occasions they can create to mark their territory.
She is in a pissing contest with you, except how sad for her because you aren't gonna play.

Dovina's picture

OMG TWINS!
That's SD times two :sick: Not to mention usually twins finish each others sentences, so I can just imagine how they devise plans to annihilate the SM.

Dovina's picture

My thoughts are with you. Relational aggression is bad enough but times two.. I am so sorry about that. It sucks times two!

mathfed's picture

This can happen to stepdads too. My wife's youngest son, who is 19, was able to get his way with his mother by using anger and rage when he was younger. I came into the picture about 4 years ago. He tried to continue being a bully to get his way, and I stepped in and put a stop to it. It came to a head several times in the short time he lived with us. In the first incident, he followed his mom from one end of the house to the other, roaring at her the whole way about what a horrible mom she is and how much he hates her. He was a big teenager, over 6 feet tall and about 300 pounds. He cornered my wife in our bedroom and stood there yelling in her face. I went into our bedroom, and told him that was enough. He told me he is having a conversation with his mom, and to butt out. I told him he's not having a conversation, he's screaming in her face. He told me 'F you. I replied 'F you back, get out of my room. He could see I wasn't kidding. He left the room, and completely lost his mind in the kitchen. He screamed at me how much he hates me, that I'm just his mom's worthless asshole boyfriend, and other pleasantries.

Since then, he has punched and kicked holes in the walls when told to mow the grass. He was taken out of the house in handcuffs for that one. I came home for lunch to find about 6 cops cars out front, all with lights going. There was also an ambulance and a fire truck. I walked toward the house to see this kid sitting out front in handcuffs. My first thought was that he had killed my wife. I went inside, and my wife was inside sobbing, talking to the police. The boy was taken away for a 72 hour hold that time.

In another incident, I had to get my two younger kids out of the house because he went into one of his screaming rages at his mom when she didn't give him his way.

The issues with this kid are so bad that I forget some of them and they tend to blend together. Editing to add another. About 2 1/2 years ago, my oldest son had to have open heart surgery. Of course, I was a nervous wreck and was really wondering if I was spending the last time with my son that I'd ever have. The surgery required us to be out of town for 3 weeks. While we were gone, my wife's son and his friends ransacked our house. We came back after the surgery, and the house was a complete wreck. I had to spend two hours snaking tub and sink drains just so we could take a shower. The son was nowhere to be found. My wife starting cleaning up the mess her son had made. I asked her where his ass was, and why he wasn't helping. He came over, started helping, and was angry about it the whole time. This incident probably takes the cake as the worst thing this guy has ever done to me.

He has moved in and out of our house three times, before we decided that he wasn't coming back. He went to live with his dad, and that fell apart quickly. He and his dad are just alike. He spent part of a year in a boarding home, and part of it in state custody until he turned 18.

He has dropped out of school, doesn't have a job, and uses drugs. He has called me a variety of things, including the piece of shit his mom married, and my wife's 'F buddy. About two months ago, he texted us that he was on a bus heading back to our house for a visit (which really means a concerted effort to try to force his way back in). I told him if he brings any drugs through the door, I call the cops. He started raging at me on my phone. My wife turned into Mama Bear, and was completely furious at me for confronting her kid. I told her our marriage is over if he comes in the house, and meant it. I'm not going to sacrifice my kids or myself to his uncontrollable rage. I blocked all of his numbers, blocked him on all social media, and told my wife I do not want him in the house. At all. To me, he has become a safety concern for the people around him. I can't make the decision for my wife to put an end to his abuse, but I absolutely have made that decision for myself and my two younger sons. My wife is free to visit her son whenever she wants. I choose to stay out of that situation from now on. I have nothing to do with this guy, and don't see that ever changing, given the current path he is on and the way he treats people around him

ownpersonalopinion1's picture

Mathfed...I wish my husband had the backbone you have. I finally had to ask him to leave.

sammigirl's picture

mathfed: Do what I did, call the cops and kick everyone out, just that. It takes a few minutes for them to grab their jacket. Then I had the locks ALL rekeyed.

You can go to Victim Advocate and obtain a Court Ordered Protection Order against your SS. He is violent and a Judge won't hesitate to issue you one. Then there can be no contact, even thru third party.

There is no reason you should put up with this violence. I kicked my DH to the curb, to SD's house, via Law Enforcement, rekeyed the locks, obtained a protective order and property possession order; nothing could be changed, until we had a hearing in front of the Judge. It was up to me to drop the orders or put them in place permanently.

Bottom line: It opened my DH's eyes, we are doing much better (4 years) and SD57 knows her pecking order now.

2Tired4Drama's picture

While I am so very thankful SD does not do this kind of crap I know fully well that she is entirely capable of it. And if she did pull it my SO would probably react the same way. He, too, is still living in this fantasy world that we can all be "one big happy family."

It is impossible for them to understand that just because it's their daughter, that she may not necessarily be a decent or nice person. My SO's daughter is a completely self-absorbed princess - and not a person I want to spend any of my life's moment's with!

The think I find most confusing is that if you described a situation or person who did what your SD does, your DH would probably think it was appalling. For example, if you had a female friend who treated you this way - excluded you, dismissed you, disrespected you - your DH would probably be yelling loud and clear, "WHY are you friends with this woman? Can't you see she treats you like crap?? I would tell her off big time and never see her again!"

But. We're talking about men's daughters here. So they can see these faults in others, but they can't see it in their little princesses. And some of those "men" will never, ever change their feelings nor behavior towards their daughters.

notasm3's picture

OP - your DH is a fool. I am 71 so I know how broken down and pathetically old most 70 year old men are. Which I why I married a cute guy almost a decade younger. At your age you could upgrade husbands so easily. He should worship you not cause you grief.

It's only been 9 months since I banished SS32 and his GF from my life - after the infamous home invasion where they basically moved into our home while we were on a 3 week vacation. They ransacked our home, ate our food and emptied 5 brand new 1.7 litre bottles of booze that we'd just bought to stock our bar.

DH has not tried to defend them. He knows there is no excuse. He did mention one time that maybe after a year ..... I stopped him right there and said at my age I didn't need people in my life like that. I've told my DH multiple times that I don't want to make him choose and that he is free to see his son. Just not on my turf.

SS and the GF would kill to get back in my good graces. We were going to take them and the grandchild to Disney (I own 3 timeshares at Disney). SS and GF no longer get to use our lake house or my vacation home. No more presents for SS and the GF.

They are both loser/users who just want to take and take. They would never do anything for DH or me. DH asked SS if he would keep our dog for one night (a 10 year old laid back perfectly trained dog). SS refused. When SS helped DH last year in the yard he demanded to be paid $20 an hour - and padded his hours.

I love having these two being just dead to me.

marblefawn's picture

Moose, I am sorry about this. You are absolutely correct on all accounts.

I was regularly being slighted - not bullied, but slighted. I divested from SD a year ago and I do feel better. But I don't think my SD is as manipulative as yours. Mine doesn't really invest much time in her father, so I don't think this scenario would happen for us.

Stick to your guns. If she had invited you, my answer might be a *little* different. But there is NO EXCUSE, NONE, for this as it is. If he presses you to come, just ask him, "Why would I want to go to a party for my husband that I wasn't even invited to?" If he doesn't cancel, I'd start rethinking the marriage. I hope he does the right thing.

SacrificialLamb's picture

Most of us would not want to include nasty toxic people in our lives. Why should we do the same if that toxic person is our spouse's child?

You did mention that your DH is 69. Is he about to turn 70? I am playing devil's advocate here, but did your DH want a bday party and see no one else was doing it? Just wanted to ask that foundational question. Even if that were the case, that does not excuse SD planning a birthday party for her father and not inviting her father's wife. And DH should not be going along with it. Isn't his wife the person he should most want to celebrate with?

So much of what you mentioned mirrors my own SD's behavior. DH also wanted to believe his little princess was such a sweet angel. But when I disengaged and she turned on him, holding the grandkids hostage, he did not much appreciate it. And being the whackjob she is who tries to rewrite history, she denied all the crap she had done before and said it never happened. That's when he started to realize she was not the wounded victim as she likes to portray herself. She is an expert at acting like she is so nice, butters her father up, but then started punishing him when she did not get her way.

Your DH and mine had a hand in raising these cretins....these SDs never heard the word no. So if they hear it now, someone is going to pay. If you disengage, it will be daddy.

I am happy to spend time with nice, respectful people. OSD does not qualify for that. DH can visit her on her own. But over my dead body would she plan a bday party for her father that I, his life partner, was not allowed to attend. But since we live far apart, I don't need to worry about this as much as other crap she tries to pull.

I have not seen her in several years, and my marriage has gotten much better. He is free to visit her and put up with her histrionics on his own. I could not be happier to not see her; I see nothing positive in visiting her whatsoever. He and I have a good life outside of her childish theatrics.

Elena77's picture

Doesn't it just grind you, on some level, that he continues to visit her, creating the illusion that her behavior towards you was ok??  I have SUCH DIFFICULTY getting past this concept.  

bedazzled's picture

Yes it does. How can a husband be nice to his daughter the try's to destroy his marriage and his wife?

sammigirl's picture

Yes, I have the very same problem.

My DH betrayed me to SD57 years ago, unbeknownst to me. Four years ago, SD57 threw DH under the bus, with a two page hate email to me; she had a melt down. I knew all the information she wrote in the email had to have come from my DH, over a 10 year period.

I was crushed emotionally and I hated both of them. They had bullied, lied, gossiped, and back stabbed me for 10 years, before I even realized it. I was busy with my career and taking care of DH (disabled). When I retired, it all came to head, because SD was jealous of my retirement and me giving DH even more attention and care. I provided us with health insurance and managed to keep a "Brady Bunch Family" for almost 30 years, with no appreciation in the end.

Long story short: SD57 is the other woman in our marriage. When I received the email, I printed it, showed it to DH, called Law Enforcement and had DH put to the curb to SD's home. Then I had a Court order of protection served on DH and a Court order of property possession in place the next day. I had the locks ALL rekeyed and there was to be absolutely no contact between the two of us, even third party. The orders were not lifted until we appeared before the Judge and I requested they be lifted. DH lived with his "other woman", until I was ready to work thru it. He hated it!

We are working thru it (4 years), but the betrayal is as you said; it is the worst hurdle to overcome. My SD57 has been put in her place. DH doesn't like it, but we are taking it as it comes. I know my SD57 is the other woman in our marriage, but she is down the line in the pecking order, or you might say I'm the Alpha Female.

I do not want to start over at this stage of my life. We worked hard for what we have the past 38 years. SD can just take it or leave it. She hardly ever contacts DH the past year. SD is going to punish DH now. SD will never stop bullying me or hating me. It is her problem, I'm moving on with our life. Too bad SD chose the low road, the high road is so much more fun.

Everyone's situation is different. The only advice I have, stay here on this site; the support is amazing. You will need to set boundaries for yourself and let DH and SD work it out. Never try to control, just take control of yourself.

My boundaries: I picked myself up, moved forward, and left the ugly mess behind me. DH is welcome to join me for the ride, but if he choses, he can sit it out. None of it is brought into our home, or everyone is ushered out for the last time. I don't care what DH and SD do now. I don't care what they say. I don't trust them, where I'm concerned. I actually have lost respect and love for my DH, because of his betrayal. I will never go back and be the recipient of bad treatment. I will throw DH to the curb one last time, if he doesn't behave; he knows this and truly believes me. I have my pride and freedom back. They have absolutely no influence on my well being. I have friends, hobbies, and keep very busy.

Our marriage is totally changed forever. It is not what I wanted for our retirement years. It is what it is. I love my DH, he is disabled and needs me too, and SD will never take care of her Dad. All SD wants is for me to disappear.

Also keep in mind that no matter who your DH's wife is, his DD will hate that woman; know you are not alone. Do not be hard on yourself. This is not your problem, it is their problem. It comes to "what you want".

(((hugs)))

Marianne's picture

My ASD sent a hate letter via email to DH in 2016 when she was 26. She sent me email to be sure to tell DH that she sent him something important. I read it first and it felt like a gut kick. Her hatred was foul and malignant. I'm so glad she did it. I became impartial to her and stopped trying. I appreciate how you handled yourself. I agree that the toll on your marriage sustains lasting damage. My ordeal with my SD was 15 years. Sd tells DH that she was just 18 when she wrote the letter and has matured---liar--email records the date and time. How blatant--I just can't stand what she did to our lives.

fairyo's picture

I disengaged eight months ago. It has been a tough eight months, but I was straight with DH and he didn't like it. It seemed I had allowed myself to be demonised and although I stood my ground I think DH thought I should continue being nice to his kids and not complicate his life. I had never found it easy being 'involved' in his family, but it was the all powerful OSD that finally tipped me over the edge.
Since then I have seen her once- she gave me a kiss when I left and I found that very strange as she had previously been reluctant to even hug me. She is a crazy mixed up child/woman who loves to manipulate everyone and she was frustrated that she couldn't do it to me.
Disengagement has been a real challenge to our relationship, and I am not sure what the coming festive season will bring. DH and I are spending Christmas alone which could turn out to be the best or worst thing we've ever done.
This weekend he is going to visit his sister who we haven't seen for more than a year. He didn't ask me to go but I asked him if I could- he said it's up to me.
I think I will go to see her with him as a signal that my issue is and always has been with OSD and not the other two skids.
I like to think we can start to build bridges now, but not with her- I'm not yet ready for that.

sammigirl's picture

fairyo: I have absolutely no problem being around, visiting, or interacting with my two grown SS's and DIL. My issue is also SD and SGD (mother/daughter). I refuse to go around them; although if we go to mutual grounds with a group, I can handle ignoring them. I will never engage with these two women again; but I also know there are going to be times I will have to be in their presence. I have been working at disengagement for eight years, total disengagement from SD the past four years. My DH doesn't like it for sure; but he caused the problem, so he reaps the results.

I choose to stay out of their territory and I am civil when they come to visit DH in my territory. Although, I have let them know it IS my territory and there are limits and respect will be shown.

I say you go to see her with your DH, if you feel comfortable with that. You are right in showing where the issue lies. If it does not go well, you don't have to go next time. I am always willing to test the waters and then take it from there.

We are also staying home for Christmas. I have arranged an open house in our new home for family and friends. It is an open invitation to relax, have snacks, drinks, and good conversation. I haven't been informed what skids are doing, don't care. DH can invite them if he wishes, and he knows this. If they show up, so be it. They live in a neighboring State and it is a 4 hour drive; I don't expect them, without they have a personal invitation and I was fixing a big holiday dinner or them alone. Not happening...

Good Luck

Goodluck's picture

I am so sorry. As you can see so many families go thru this. It doesn't make it better OR worse but it helps to know your not totally alone.

WHEN is dh birthday?

Here is what I would do...I would find you and your DH's closest friends EVEN if it is two or three couples and plan a dinner party at his favorite restaurant. WEEKS in advance. Those friends YOU invite should know how shitty their dad and you have been treated thus they wont spill the beans NOR would they want to be around that mess.

Keep the gathering small and meaningful.

Let sd plan her hoop de doo party for her dad. You can graciously decline the invite IF you are given one. You have other plans for that day. Learn to give yourself a break and learn to say NO MORE.... DARLING have a wonderful time at your daughters I will be going to my sisters or with a day trip with Julie. Don't ask hubby, just tell him lovingly.

bedazzled's picture

Thank you all so much for the support. I am sorry that any of you are going through this hell also. It is very helpful to know I am not alone. What several of you said is really true. It is the betrayal by DH and him not being able to see her for who she really is that hurts the most. DH answer is that if he can get her to apologize to me than all should be forgiven for the all the years of emotional abuse.. Then he thinks we should all be able to be the Brady bunch.
I do not want a relationship with her anymore. At one time I did. Now I do not. DH stood by and watched both his daughter and son bully me for all these years. he stood by and watched it eat me alive. he stood by and watched as I was circling the drain. He did nothing to stop it, nothing to have my back, nothing to pick me up. I did. I picked myself up. I got my self esteem back. I figured it out that it is not me . It is their sick and I do mean sick family. DH made his children into his mini spouses because he had a terrible marriage with their Mother.. He gave them the control over his life all on his own. He jumped thru the hoop every time they told him to. I really am just beginning to see how sick it all really is.
I will not put myself in a position where they have a chance to bully me anymore. I will be 100% disengaged. I will stand up for myself. No I will not accept any kind of lame apology from her. It would all just be more minupulation on her part. If DH wants to keep playing her game he can do it by himself.

Dh’s Birthday is December 28th. In all the years we have been together neither of his children have ever done anything for him for his birthday. I have planned a short surprise trip (he know we are going just not where ) for him. It will be over New Years weekend. So yes I am doing something special for his 70th birthday.

This really is the straw that broke the camels back for me with his daughter. I am totally done with her. She really did go way to far this time.

DH gets very angry when I say she is trying to be his wife. He says that is very sick. He can’t stand the truth. He is not angry with her he is angry with me. I don’t care if he is. He and BM ruined their marriage and ruined their kids by not putting the marriage first and the kids second. DH has nobody but himself to blame for the situation being what it is. He could have put a stop to it. I married a jellyfish. He will have to live with results of the situation he created..

I don’t know why I expected DH to hold his kids accountable for their actions, he won’t hold himself accountable for his own actions. He taught them by example.

This has been a rough year for me. I really needed my husbands support. I lost my brother and mother both this year. The holidays were all ready going to be hell for me..

Thank you all for being my support. I can’t even tell you how much I need it.

Would you accept an apology from your skids that made your life hell and ripped your marriage apart?

ldvilen's picture

I'll post something here that I posted on another topic. It is appropriate for your situation as well. It's long:

I think it goes without saying that a parent will always try or will always think it is much simpler than it is to get SKs and SM to make amends. There is not a lot of understanding of what SM’s role is or even should be. The tendency is to think that SM should be like a second mom, yet at the same time, people act like SM is overreaching or not minding her place whenever she does act like a second mom. Or, I often hear nowadays, a SM should act like an auntie. But, SM is not an auntie, and to try to force SM into some other bio-family pocket is unfair and minimizing of her real role of dad’s wife. It is a very odd situation to be in, and one that a SM can rarely win or even score points at.

People often forget two things: 1) SM is first and foremost, dad’s wife/ SO; and, 2) It is rare for someone else other than a bio-parent, including SMs, to have unconditional love for someone else’s child. No judgement is being placed here. It is just the way it is. And, yes, by the same token, it would be rare for a SK to have unconditional love for a step-parent. Unfortunately, even the people we are married to often forget this. So, if there is a problem or issue between dad’s kid and his wife, for example, dad will think a simple apology or tousling of the hair or group hug will resolve the issue. They don’t understand the complexity of the issue.

The real issue is that no one really wants to accept SM as dad’s wife or wants to accept that SM has any sort of authority whatsoever with dad (or ex- or the initial family). This is the way society has set it up for SMs. Divorce, OK. You can even get remarried, but SM is not supposed to act like dad’s wife. NO. SM is supposed to act like an auntie or servant or concubine. She is supposed to stay in the background and mind her place whenever someone from the initial family is around. God forbid the SKs, even adult SKs, see you hug or kiss or act like a couple of any sorts. This feeling is so strong in our society, that is nothing for an event to be planned, years after the divorce, that places DH and his ex- together as a couple OR DH and one of his adult children together vs. DH and his wife (SM). DH’s permission isn’t even needed, and SM is just expected to suck this up and take it every time. Whenever someone in the initial family wants to displace SM, displace her role as her husband’s wife, they can and are allowed to do so at any whim. SM is seen as the one to blame if she does not go along with someone basically pissing all over her and her DH’s marriage.

If often takes SMs years to catch on to these totally asinine Catch-22s. You are your husband’s wife or SO and you have every right to act like such. So, if your DH doesn’t insist from the beginning that you be treated as his wife, then it is going to be 20x times difficult to do so years down the road. I’m sure you, like me and most SMs, just assumed you’d be open and nice to the SKs and you’d all get along. In reality, BM and DH have way more influence over how SM and SKs get along and whether or not SM’s role as dad’s wife is accepted. Since you have, like so many of us, sucked it up and took it for years, there is a whole boatload of crap and anger and denial and betrayal from many sides that you are having to deal with now. It is not a simple fix and it is not something that a mere apology will resolve. If someone has been allowed or PASd to look at SM as a servant or concubine, one whom they can go after without very little if any recourse, then this imagine is either going to be there for life, or maybe, just maybe once the SK grows up, something may click in. But, I wouldn’t hold my breath.

This is where disengagement comes into play. Disengagement is not an either/or thing, or set in stone. It is just your way of saying that, “I am married to or with my DH, I am his wife or SO, and if that role is not accepted, then I don’t want any part of a relationship with that person, SK, or whomever it may happen to be. On the other hand, I recognize that your children are your children, and you have every right to have a relationship with them, even as adults. So, going forward, I will go with you to any events I want to or feel comfortable going to. If I don’t want to go, I won’t go. You (DH) can go alone if you want to, and I respect you wanting to attend these events alone, if you so choose.” On the other hand, I should say that is MY form of disengagement. A SM has to do what works for her, because usually no matter what a SM does, someone is going to find fault with it. You do what works for you and stick with it. There is a saying I heard the other day that went something like, “Never let anyone take up space in your head that isn’t at least paying rent.”

SacrificialLamb's picture

My OSD is in her 40's. Someone that age has habits well-ingrained. She also is the result of permissive parenting while growing up, and also that she herself in more interested in winning via manipulation rather than self introspection and improvement.

I also believe she has strong narcissistic tendencies and thus would never apologize because she still maintains she did nothing wrong (which is hysterical to me).

But in general, if she ever apologized to me, I would accept her apology, but I would still make the choice to not spend time around her. I would have to see a lot of evidence that she had really changed before I would want to be in her presence. I am not submitting myself to being around a person who has been unkind to me just because it's DH's child. He can keep his blinders if he wants.

This dadswife is OVER IT's picture

In a word, hello no! 

Elena77's picture

Accept an apology. Ever.  All you'll be doing, is being drawn back into all that dysfunction.  My advice is to disengage and, never again for any reason, re-engage.

best of luck to you.  You sound like a wonderful woman.

fairyo's picture

This is my first Christmas since I disengaged- I am glad that DH and I are spending Christmas day alone with no obligations to anyone else. It seems the right thing to do after the year we have had.I am sorry for your losses-I am all too aware that there are people missing around the festive table as we get older and for some Christmas is a painful time. I really hope you can find a little peace and that next year will be a better and brighter one for us all.

As an after note no, I am not ready to accept an apology from DH or OSD. I don't think one will ever come, but meanwhile I keep reading the posts from people on here and realising that we have to make the best of what we have, otherwise what would we do?

CANYOUHELP's picture

Rude people never apologize, they are too ignorant to realize they are rude, their social skills are weak and they are stuck somewhere in development as emotional juveniles. I have seen a "few" step situations that really work. In those cases, there is no jealousy between the kids and the step parent. No jealousy ever, that I see. They look out for each other, include each other and honestly like each other. They are happy to see each other. But that is definitely not the norm, and certainly does not exist at all in my life.

Within cases where the SM is not wanted, not included, because serious jealousy exists-and I think this is the root cause in most cases, (you absolutely have a doormat daddeeee-in the center of this triangle), you have no option but to disengage to preserve your own sanity and emotional health. There is nobody on your side, nobody supporting you. You are your only means of support, not withstanding ST. Here you learn you are not alone, not crazy, not mean, you are normal. You stop questioning yourself and start developing a plan to help yourself, and these wonderful, experienced posters help you.

Disengagement is not easy and it is far from perfect, just when I think I am making progress, I mess it all up and say something rather than keeping my mouth closed, like I do most of the time. There are ladies on this site who do a wonderful job of it, but even the best are always evaluating what is to come in their life. Like the posters state it is a process, one that improves very slowly (in my case), over time. Not the best alternative, but the only choice women married to buddy daddeees have, unfortunately.

sammigirl's picture

CANYOUHELP: You are right, jealousy is the key problem with Skids and SM's. My own SD57 told me that she was jealous of her Dad and my relationship, because BM and Dad never had a good relationship. I had absolutely no problem with SD57 telling me this; but I had hoped by SD telling me this, it would put our relationship in prospective for her. SD knows she's jealous, but she refuses to handle it.

Apologizing is not something my DH nor SD will ever do. They have blamed the entire disengagement on me. At first I was infuriated. I even told both of them I was sorry, as well as, I own my part of the problem. I received absolutely no response from either. I was astounded that two adults could just look right through me and not understand that I was trying to work at our relationship. With that said, I let it go and disengaged; what else is a person to do. They truly do not understand why I don't want to play the cruel match. I am not a confrontational person and hate drama. They love it.

As long as we have step-families, we are going to have to deal with these elements. I chose total disengagement from my SD57, after 30+ years of trying. DH and I have been married 38 years and it has absolutely nothing to do with SD57; even though she would like that. When you reach a point of no choice, you move forward. I love my DH and I want my marriage in tact. I did not say my vows to my skids and they are a totally different issue in my life.

You are doing well with your disengagement and will have rough times, like the rest of us here. It will never go away, it is something we all will deal with in our own way. SM's are labeled. I had two SM's in my life and absolutely would have never disrespected them, for fear of losing my Father's love. Times change, thus we must work with it.

((hugs))
Sammi

CANYOUHELP's picture

Hi Sammi,

You are such an awesome poster and friend to me. ST and posters like me have gained much insight from your shared experiences and encouragement. Keep up the wonderful coaching you are doing on this site. You make a difference!

bedazzled's picture

I can't even start to tell you how much I appreciate all of your support. It is the first time in 13 years of going thru this alone, that I have had any support.

Here is where I am at.

I do not want any kind of relationship with my husbands 2 children. I am totally disengaged. I will not put myself anywhere near them. They can no longer control me. DH can keep his head in the sand that SD wants him to be happy. She wants him to be single. I do not want some fake apoligy from her that is only ment to minupulate her Dad. She is dead to me.

For his birthday DH is free to go out to dinner with his 2 children and SD husband and her spawn. DH made this mess he needs to live with it not me.

The party with DH extended family is not her territory. It is mine as his wife. SD has not had anything to do with DH extended family at all. Her family was her BM family not DH family. Most of his family wouldn't know her on the street. So, It is not OK for her to try to take another role away from me. I will not allow her to take my role as wife. This marriage is only big enough for 1 wife. IF DH can't see that then the marriage is over.

Thank you again for all the support! You are all I have.

bedazzled's picture

I told DH today that I am not looking or want a sorry from his daughter. I told him I will not stand by while she pushes my out even further with both her feet.

I also said that I am not concerned about fixing SD and mine relationship as there is not one to begin with.

I told him we need to build back our relationship. We need to make our relationship solid and unable to be pushed apart by his kids. Our relationship is my only care.

He is still focusing on fixing SD and mine relationship. He cannot get it, He made it the way it is, this is his mess.

bedazzled's picture

I told DH today that I am not looking or want a sorry from his daughter. I told him I will not stand by while she pushes my out even further with both her feet.

I also said that I am not concerned about fixing SD and mine relationship as there is not one to begin with.

I told him we need to build back our relationship. We need to make our relationship solid and unable to be pushed apart by his kids. Our relationship is my only care.

He is still focusing on fixing SD and mine relationship. He cannot get it, He made it the way it is, this is his mess.

fairyo's picture

It is his mess- spot on. My DH expected me to fall in with his crazy messed-up family and be a good little woman. I moved and sold my house to be with him, I took his grandkids away with him, had them to stay, visited his kids more often than I was comfortable with. From the very early days I felt that there was something between OSD and me that didn't feel right and I couldn't put my fingers on it but I increasingly came to feel that she was working on driving a wedge between DH and myself. Over time I became sick of complaining to friends and family about the overwhelming and toxic influence she had on my life but they didn't really understand it. Imagine my joy at finding Steptalk- here were women and men who completely understood this dynamic and the relief I felt was immense.
The problem was she became too much for me, I had to disengage and accept that she had won. In a moment of weakness I gave her the opportunity to call me 'evil' and DH took her side.
I disengaged and now he has to deal with his rotten family all on his own.
Recently I went with him to visit his sister- I wanted to show him that my issue is with OSD. Interestingly, they did not discuss each other's children except in the most rudimentary way and I kept silent, choosing to speak only on neutral matters. I am really not interested in his broken relationships and I left the Christmas cards out for him to write himself to his own family this year.
We are spending Christmas alone, just me and him. It is the only way I can avoid them and have some peace.

SacrificialLamb's picture

Fairyo, this was exactly how I started. For years I was not comfortable around OSD but could not put my finger on it. She is an expert manipulator, fooled her father that she was such a sweet innocent daughter. He knew she was gossipy and manipulative, but never thought his sweet DD would manipulate HIM because she always told him what a wonderful daddy he was.....lol

I found out later she had been saying things to him to make him feel guilty (like she never saw him anymore because he was too busy with his new family - my bios and I). He didn't tell me until years later that he didn't deal with those issues properly; he thought they would go away if he ignored them and he showed her how nice and sweet I am, and tried to facilitate a blended family. That didn't work. She didn't care how nice and sweet I am. DH also tried to show me how nice and sweet OSD is, but I sure wasn't falling for that.

I wish I had found this site at that time and disengaged slowly. Instead, as OSD became more overt in her tactics, I was not quiet in my response. I am not sure what brought on OSD's more obvious goal of getting me gone, but I suspect it was that we moved, and daddy was farther from her than before. She expected him to move by her. I told her I did not appreciate what she was doing and a war erupted. Things would have been easier if I could have just peacefully disengaged. On a good note, she really exposed herself. Fortunately, DH and I are at a good place now; I have not seen OSD in several years. DH has to deal with her on his own.

mathfed's picture

This is the same kind of resolution that ended up working for my wife and I. Her youngest son has been horrible to me. It's felt like my wife had an expectation that I go along with his abuse. She and he have had a bad relationship long before I ever entered the picture. I think she expected that I would somehow make that all better, but she's never really had my back with her son. Her son would verbally rip me to shreds, and then go to my wife for backup against me. She would get furious at me for confronting her son. A couple of months ago, it all came to a head when my wife's son texted me that:

"You know you're a real piece of shit just because you can't see your fucking mom doesn't mean I don't want to see mine. I AM HER FUCKING KID YOU'RE JUST SOME PIECE OF SHIT SHE MARRIED. I KNOW SHE CAN AND HAVE SEEN HER DO BETTER THAN YOU."

This was because he texted us that he was on a bus, heading to our place. I texted back that if he brings and drugs through the door, I call the cops. My mom died of breast cancer when I was 21. I was bewildered that my wife's son would bring my dead mother into his attempt to verbally obliterate me. My wife was furious at me, yet again, for confronting her son. That was when I gave up, and the light bulb went on for me. As far as her son goes, I am in a game that I will never win. The only way to win is not to play. After getting the text above, I told my wife that I was done. She could tell her son that he was successful in splitting us up. I was finished. I won't go along with being treated like that, by anyone. If that's what being married to her means, then I want out. She finally heard me.

He is now my wife's problem to deal with. I want nothing to do with him. I will have nothing to do with him. I don't want to hear about him, and I don't ask about him. My wife deals with him on her own. I would be perfectly happy to never have to see that maniac again.

fairyo's picture

You didn't make the mess- you cannot save the mess. I am glad that you found your way through it. DH and I are not quite there, but we are finding things easier.
I had no energy left to fight a battle I clearly could not win. He has her and her craziness all to himself now, and her now increasingly entitled offspring. This Christmas will be a bit of a test, I only hope I can get to 2018 without having seen any of his maniac kids. We will see.

SacrificialLamb's picture

It took the same "I am done with this marriage" for my DH to realize that pandering to his adult DD was going to cost him his marriage. So he had to step up and act like a father and not a buddy. DD had to go back to being a DD rather than a wife.

My OSD also used the death of my brother decades ago to rub salt in the wound. She's just a vicious person unless she is acknowledged as having the world revolve around her. Sounds like you SS is the same.

fairyo's picture

Soon it will be six months since I set eyes on OSD- I'm hoping I can say a similar thing in six years time. She has no right to be in my life.

sandye21's picture

Fairyo, It's been 7 years since I've been around SD, and I have never missed looking at her ugly, blowfish, rolling eyes face. DH is welcome to visit her just about whenever he wants but I want nothing to do with her. Actually, she taught me a big lesson: Before her meltdown I was a doormat for a lot of toxic people. Now I do not allow them in my life. I have also learned to set limits with anyone who wants to use me as a doormat or play games - this includes DH.

bedazzled's picture

I need help to sort this out. DH is furious that I have disengaged. I have told him I want to work on us. Build a rock hard foundation for us that nobody can come between. He will only focus on that he wants resolution between his daughter and I. He wants me to accept an apology from her. He says we already have a solid foundation. (Is he crazy?) His 2 kids come between us every week at least.?

Why can’t he just leave it and let me be disengaged?

Another side note . I told him that I take 50% of Blame for my first marriage ending even though husband had drug issues. DH will not for 1 second admit he had anything to do at all with his first 2 marriages breaking up.

I want to focus on us. He wants to focus on relationship with his kids.

SacrificialLamb's picture

Ask your DH what is he gaining by forcing you and SD to have a relationship. Ask him what he is losing if you and SD do not have a relationship. Make him think about why this is so important to him.

Ask him what other adults he would allow to treat you poorly.

Ask how he knows SD is going to behave properly moving forward. Why did she behave the way she did, why does she now have remorse and why does he believe her behavior will be appropriate in the future?

Ask him how he plans to defend his wife in the future from other people's poor behavior.

Tell him without satisfactory answers to the above questions, why should you subject yourself to someone else's poor behavior when you have no evidence things will be different? Just because he is willing to play Daddy Doormat to his child, you marrying him does not mean you are willing to play Mrs. Doormat.

This is not a child on a custody order who comes to visit daddy on the weekends. This is an adult old enough to understand proper behavior. She HAS NOT behaved properly. She would only apologize for one reason - to look like such a nice girl to her dad and show him that YOU are the one with the problem.

You are also an adult and have the right to make a choice to keep toxic people out of your life. Him forcing a painful situation on you for his own benefit shows he has only his best interests at heart, not yours.

fairyo's picture

My DH is still 'punishing' me nine months on. He has accepted my disengagement in that we no longer even talk about his kids, but he disengaged from me. It has been very hard but at my age and in my circumstances leaving is not an option. I am still hopeful that it will all be well- reading posts on here about how long it took other people has helped me immensely, but if I was younger and had enough money I would have left him, or at least threatened to.
All disengagements are different, it is not one size fits all- you have to try and work out how to get through this by putting yourself first. Respect yourself. You are doing nothing wrong by insisting on your own space. My DH when I first met him also blamed wives 1 and 3 for his misery, wife 2 he admitted he'd made a mistake and had an affair but you know? wife 2 drove him to it! I didn't figure this out until it was all too late!
I let DH free to focus on his kids and he is still doing that- I spent most of this year focusing on me. I had a whale of a time catching up with friends, going on away breaks, spending time with people I love and love me, and doing what I wanted to do. DH has not even had a holiday this year! He is worn out with it all.
He is still stuck in doormat daddy mode but I sense a change in his attitude to me- he is less sulky, more talkative and more relaxed. He also knows I will not compromise.
I have let him free to focus on his kids and it is not making him happy- what this coming year will bring I don't know- but I'm determined to stick it out.

still learning's picture

"He will only focus on that he wants resolution between his daughter and I. He wants me to accept an apology from her."

There is resolution between the two of you, you've resolved to disengage and have peace in your life...end of story. If she wants to appolgize, great, good for her. Doesn't mean you have to reengage on any level.

You had a life and a family before marrying DH, you're his partner not hers. Just focus on yourself, your marriage, your kids, your life, your happiness. View her like you would view someone else's toddler throwing a fit at the grocery store. Avert your eyes and walk away.

depressedme's picture

Omg moose I’m going through exactly the same issue at the moment it’s basically about to split us up and sh has made me feel so guilty for disengaging. I really feel your pain I don’t want another divorce either. It’s so bloody hard!! Why do adults need to come first or between a married couple?

still learning's picture

Send DH on his merry way to the party while you go off for the weekend and have a great time elsewhere. Make sure to ignore his calls and return them at your leisure.
Show him that he can run off to be w/the mini wife all he wants but his real wife won't be home waiting.

bedazzled's picture

Just an update. So DH went over to SD house Saturday before christmas to pick up gifts from her. He came home with 6 gifts from her, husband and spawn. All were for Dad/Grandpa.
So there was a card for me from SD. This is what she said. "The situation is causing my dad pain and I don't want that and I guess you don't either. I am willing to forgive you and move on."

She is one crazy B#$ch! I went nuts. I let DH read it and he was very upset. He finally is seeing his daughter for the Narcistic personality disorder that she has. So she called DH on Christmas. Wants to know if he like all the gifts she gave him. One was a sweater and she went on and on how BM always gave him a sweater for Christmas and now she was doing the tradition.
He told her I liked the card. (He says that is how we have to handle it. Not let her know she upset us.)

SO, SD thinks she got away with it again. She has stepped up her game to get rid of my now. She called DH and said she hadn't been able to get a hold of him and that I am blocking her calls on his phone. DH told her I was not doing that. He was having trouble with his phone. She insisted and called him again saying same thing. He told her no again that I was not doing that. Third time she texted him saying same thing and that it was not alright for me to be blocking her calls. So, DH tells her he will deal with me about it. (I have not blocked her calls). He said he didn't know what else to say to her so she would drop it. DH husband says he has to still be nice to her or he won't get to see his grandspawn. So, He says we have to just play her game and act as if she apologized and just be very shallow and on the surface with her.

I really don't know how I feel about all this. I want to punch the no good piece of sh&t in the face. DH says we are united and she can't come between us. That he sees her for who she is but he wants to see his grandspawn. He says he knows she is trying to break us up and that it won't happen.

How do you all feel about letting adult Skids think they won and just playing their game? Has that worked for any of you? What has it done to your marriage over time?

I have no intention of not being disengaged from her. I still will not go around her.

Anyone in same boat?

sandye21's picture

Your DH is playing both you and his SD for his own comfort and lack of a backbone. To you he acknowledges SD is narcissistic, even acting like he is mad as her for the card but not mad enough to tell her in front of you that she is to respect you as his wife. This is to shut you up. Then he wants you to continue being a doormat and dismiss unacceptable behavior from SD so he can see his Grandkids. You've had enough and deserve better from your DH. If he can not support you as a husband you should not have to support him by serving as convenient whipping post for SD.

Time to disengage completely. If you do not want to be around SD, (and who could blame you?), simply take yourself out of the equation. Don't bring her up and if HD does, just say, "Hmmm", and change the subject. He should be able to visit her just about whenever he wants unless it is a holiday or a special day for the two of you, but you should avoid her like the plague. Stay completely uninvolved. Be prepared though for a 'transition period' where DH is resistant to change and continue to blame you. Stand your ground and don't allow it. It is his responsibility to resolve this mess and he is doing a very bad job.

SpaceCadette's picture

I don't know why but the SD's are the worst. Daddy is their first boyfriend and they never want to give him up. They can go on to marry and have 10 children but Daddy is supposed to be sitting at home alone waiting for them to invite him into their lives.

God forbid daddy marry someone who isn't BM and be happy, spend $ on his new wife that should go into the SPOILED BRAT INHERITANCE.

CANYOUHELP's picture

Block the b immediately and tell DH to kiss your arse big time. You are being bullied.  Take control, who cares if they "like" it?  Has anybody cared about your feelings? I can answer that question myself; mine are all blocked, zero contact.  I have no idea what their phone numbers are any more.....peaceful.

SacrificialLamb's picture

"The situation is causing my dad pain and I don't want that and I guess you don't either. I am willing to forgive you and move on."

Translation: SD is putting it all in the SM court, because things won't get better - and SD will make sure they don't - she thinks she laid the ground work to exonerate herself. Everything will be your fault. After, she just appointed herself her father's protector, buttering him up so he will think about how much she cares about him. How sweet. :?

"So she called DH on Christmas. Wants to know if he like all the gifts she gave him."

Translation: Wants to see if she caused a fight between the two of you, which was her objective. Especially with trying to recreate what BM used to give him, because SD thinks DH will mention that to you....which he did.

"She called DH and said she hadn't been able to get a hold of him and that I am blocking her calls on his phone. "

Comment: So much for forgiveness, eh? You're immediately guilty.

" DH husband says he has to still be nice to her or he won't get to see his grandspawn. "

Comment: Oh yes, the ultimate leverage. Heard that one too. Sacrifice the SM so SD is happy and DH gets his way. SD happy/DH gets his way/SM sacrificed on the Altar of Step Hell. Not exactly what you signed up for, eh? Know that one well too.

The only way to deal with these kind of games is to not play. My OSD is middle-aged and is an EXPERT. Don't give her the victory or the defeat. Just absolutely refuse to play. Tell DH you understand he loves his DD and gkids. Since he is self-serving (like my own), wants to retain his benefits at your expense and you are not allowed to have his protection against her poor behavior, you do not want to hear one word about her or gkids. You will be polite at holidays if you have to see her, but nothing else. I am not involved in anything to do with my SD. Nothing at all. And yes, things got much better after OSD was left playing a game with no other participants.

fairyo's picture

Yep- I'm sure OSD was surprised I didn't engage at all over the holidays. There were phone calls with DH, of which I heard snippets. She was clearly frustrated that her games weren't working- I wasn't dragged back in- I remained beyond the sphere of her control and she was hating it! I did look at a couple of her Facebook posts before blocking her again. Now we are in a new year and returning to normal- DH hasn't even mentioned of he's going to see her this week. He must be getting pretty sick of it all now he has to play with her all by himself.

SacrificialLamb's picture

I think after a few years of OSD and spawn not having my name on the cards and gifts she has gotten the message. Now YSD has been trying to get me to talk about it.

YSD visited over the holidays, who name dropped the sgkids frequently to me, tried to get me to participate in Facetiming them for their "Gift Rapture" (you've never seen kids with more toys). YSD was trying to bait me to into talking about them and I did not bite. Slept through the glorious Facetime Event. As soon as I got out of bed, YSD directed comments to me about sgkids opening their presents. I ignored it. I mean what was I supposed to say? Wow! Little kids excited about opening presents! Stunning.

Big whoop. After OSD said I was not allowed in her home I was done. I am truly disengaged. I was hurt before; no more. OSD cut out a loving and normal (and they need normal) person out of her kids lives simply because she is jealous that Dad has another woman in his life besides her.

thisisus's picture

My adult stepdaughter has never had a conversation with me. When my now husband and I moved in together she went nuts and caused drama, cut him off, etc. She called people who dated him in the past or who wanted to and used that as an excuse not to communicate with me. I don't know those people. When we got engaged, same drama. Married, same thing. She verbally attacked me once in a Facebook message and called me a horrible person, etc. I was hurt being attacked by a stranger and posted a prayer request for myself on my private FB page. I stated I was attacked by a mentally ill woman for no reason and needed prayers. Somehow she read it and knew it was about her and flipped out. I never mentioned her by name but man she flipped. I'm actually glad she managed to somehow stalk my page and read it. Taught her a lesson about how to treat strangers. Since then, nearly three years ago, she has submarined snd cut off her dad which is fine. It hurts his feelings but it is what it is. As soon as she needs more money, she will come crawling back. I don't expect an apology. She is diagnosed with a serious mental illness. I feel sorry for her snd pray for her. She makes up things, creates storming her head and is delusional. If she ever acts normal, I will of course welcome that with open arms. I already forgiven her. I just wish she would get help. These adult stepchildren who cause drama are more than likely all mentally ill. Also, many people enjoy creating drama where there is none. It gives them something to do, something to talk about in their boring and miserable lives. 

Missingme's picture

All very true. I have the same to deal with. Skids, especially SDs, who ostracize to punish their father. Well, ostrasize until they need to use him for money or fixes. While on one hand the silence is beautiful (for me), on the other hand seeing his deeply hurt feelings (that are never acknowledged by him) is very sad. But then are also the resulting mood swings that are unbearable, which the causes me to feel such animosity towards him and them. The guilty dad syndrome is probably the biggest challenge in all of stepparenting. 

Birchclimber's picture

"The guilty dad syndrome is probably the biggest challenge in all of step parenting".  I could not agree more.  We're in the "ostracize phase" of step parenting right now and it's rough.  It leaves me feeling incredibly anxious because, although the peace and quiet is nice for now, I know that the two SDs will resurface and begin the guilt inducing emails once again. I am so tired of this cycle.  In our case, my DH doesn't have an email address, so that last email that YSD sent, came to my email address.  It's so difficult to have to read the crap that she writes to him. 

Before this latest bout of the "silent treatment" began, she would call (once or twice a year and only if she needed something) and start off with pleasantries but would eventually end up with the "damsel in distress" routine.  I'm sure you're all familiar with it.  She'd complain about dire straits, has incurable diseases, not enough money to make ends meet, her kids want stuff that she can't afford, we never see you anymore, your not being a very attentive dad/grandfather etc. etc. etc.  When I see their names show up on my call display, I start to feel nauseated because I know that the disturbing drama is about to begin again.

After doing a lot of reading on the subject of toxic adult stepchildren, I have come to the conclusion that YSD is a narcissist and that her sister (OSD) and all of their kids (SGKs) are her flying monkeys.  Apparently, it's a personality disorder that can never be changed.  That doesn't leave much hope for the future, does it?

SacrificialLamb's picture

I too have two adult SD's. They are middle-aged. OSD is the narcissist (aging very poorly - ugly on the inside eventually shows on the outside) and YSD is her flying monkey.

You're right, there is not much hope for improved behavior in the future. All you can do is disengagement 100%.

You are in no way obligated to receive emails from your DH's relatives. If they cause you stress, block them.

sandye21's picture

As I wrote, a couple of years ago, the only thing you can do is disengage if you want to continue to be married to a spineless man - and THAT is where the problem lies.  You do not owe it to him to be his and SD's 'secretary' for emails.  He can either learn to answer his own emails or phone her.  It's all about mutual respect.  If you are always the one to give the balance is off.

Almost 11 years ago I went complete 'no contact' with SD and was never sorry for doing it.  Since then, I have realized what a poor husband DH is, and am in the process of divorcing him.

Ask yourself what were the reasons you married your DH in the first place.  Many times we are living our childhood though our DHs and his spawn, hoping for the love and acceptance we didn't get from our parents.  Begin working on loving yourself, then you will come to the conclusion that this punishing behavior has no place in your life.  It will enable you to set limits with DH.  The Skids are HIS job to deal with, not yours.

sleepycat's picture

I recommend a two-step solution for adult SD living in a separate home. I believe SD will sometimes  try to drive a wedge between dad and his wife for multiple reasons such as money flow, control, attention, and inheritance. This type of SD is more concerned about herself than her father's happiness. In my case, it was a 40+ SD with no real job (not trying for one either), wrecked life of bad choices, resulting in poverty. Her "wedge" behavior ramped up the year dad said he was winding down money support due to retiring soon.

  1. Establish family rules, including requirements for respect, behavior, and all forms of  communication. Let the SD know these are iron-clad rules.
  2. Present a united front to the SD. This does not mean a husband and wife need to seem like one person to their children. Instead, it means they show their children they back each other up, whether they agree with how something was handled or not. If an agreement needs to be reached, they discuss it privately, away from the SD. It also means that both dad and wife are present when communicating, whether phone, cc'ed on email, or in person so as to not give the SD an isolated target.

Don’t believe ignoring the problems will work. It will only result in better SD success rates. Stress to dad that you and he have a future together of love and happiness, that he needs to prioritize your marriage over the adult daughter. I have no suggestion if he does not agree to present a united front, except counselling.

Birchclimber's picture

Absolutely perfect, Sleepycat.  Especially the part about Dad and wife being present when communicating.  My YSD has recently become abusive, demanding and belligerent with her father when she thought that I wasn't able to hear their telephone conversation.   Since she has started that level of abuse with him, these are now my words to live by.

BobbyDazzler's picture

your DH should have told her immediately that the party is off due to the lack of respect shown to you and your kids.  What is with these weak men that don't stand up to their kids when the kids re being full-on shits? My DH has seen things more clearly with his oldest son over the years but he still doesn't call this SS 'out' when he needs to.  I'm in the lovely grey rock zone with my stepsons. I do like my youngest SS but he rarely has anything to do with his father so I don't have anything to do with him except the ocassional family get together.  The oldest SS is a self-entitled, nervy, DB and none of my kids or I like him and dread when he's around. The little I have to do with him is fine because I treat him politely when needed and have no conversation with him when he's around.