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I really need help figuring this outPOd

bedazzled's picture

Please help me figure this out. SD has stepped up her game. She has accused me of abusing my husband and that she is now here to protect him from me. I am not an abusive person. Anyone who knows me knows that. I confronted DH and told him that she has taken it over the top and there is no going back. She is falsely accusing me of something very serious. I told either he gets her out of the middle of our marriage or he needs to leave . I am done with her games. She crossed a line. I was abused by my first husband and I will not take lightly someone accusing of abusing my husband. It is a lie. She is trying to come between my husband and myself. 

I stand by what I said I will not stay in a marriage with SD planted in the middle like this. 

I come home from work today and DH left a letter On my bed. It goes into what love is in the Bible. How we need to all forget the past and start a new. That mistakes have been made and we need to forgive and move on. 

I  called my husband and said who is this letter supposed  to be for. He say us and his 2 kids.

So, here is my take on it. He has never been treated poorly by anyone in my family including my 3 kids. He has always been welcomed with open arms. He has never never felt any alienation, brutal cruelty or been made the target of two narcissistic human beings. 

I have been bullied, slandered, isolated, and abused for 15 years. His children have never never once in their lives with me or anyone else ever been held accountable for any of their actions. So now I am suppose just forgive 15 years of abuse? I am suppose to just forgive being acused of abusing my husband? DH is giving his kids another chance to never be held accountable for any actions. 

I am so far past wanting any kind of relationship which these sick, mean, narcissistic human beings that DH and BM failed at parenting. 

Just  because DH as the couselor said made his child believe that they are God like. Does not mean the rest of the population of the world agree.

So I told DH if he wants a marriage with me  make it about him and I. Concentrate on Us. Not them. Remove them from our marriage. You want to write me a letter make it about HIM and I. We are the 2 people in this marriage. 

As long as his children are never held accountable for i actions I do not want any kind of interaction with them at all.  They do not have a free pass to abuse me and move on. 

Even in AA or any other 12 step program people have to make restitutions to the people the hurt. They don’t get a free pass. DH is just looking for another free pass for his abusive children. 

If DH does not want to hold his POS accoumtable to him for the abuse he has taken from them that is his choice. He cannot others to accept that from them

Am I looking at this the right way?

sandye21's picture

" I told either he gets her out of the middle of our marriage or he needs to leave . "    Good for you!  Your DH needs to make a decision.  Is his marriage going to be his top priority or is he going to go against the Bible and make the skids his priority?  If he chooses the latter, he is a hypocrite and not living by the Bible.

Since your DH wants to incorporate religion into his decision and use it to justify placing the skids first over his wife, maybe it should be pointed out to him that according to the Bible, his first priority is to God, second priority is his wife and THEN the skids.

You really don't have to put up with this.  Disengage from SD and the situation.  Your DH can visit SD on his own, away from your home.  Don't even discuss her.  If he brings her up change the subject.  Put yourself first and foremost until he has a 'Come to Jesus' epiphany about the importance of his marriage.

 

Jojab1636's picture

I am in the same boat in terms of never wanting to be around the SD's.   With the Holidays coming, what would you say if DH wanted to spend Christmas with the SD's?  Just curious - I am currently having this discussion with my DH.  

sandye21's picture

One of the first things I did when I disengaged was to set up boundaries.  You can decide what is best for you.   If you want DH to be with you on the holidays, let him know it is non-negotiable.  He should be able to visit with the skids before or after the day of the holiday.  There will be other things that are equally important to him.  You can remind him that in a mutually respective marriage there is give and take.

bedazzled's picture

In my situation Skids have always spent the holidays with BM. Even before DH and I were together he did not see them on holidays. I am very lucky with this. We do have an understanding that they are not welcome in our home. Especially now with the abuse accusations by SD. They will never be allowed in our home ever. DH will see them by himself in the days before the holidays. BM has always owned the holidays.  

Jojab1636's picture

This hasn't been an issue for us until this year.  The SD's normally are with their BM.  However, 29SD had a huge blow out with her Mom and doesn't want anything to do with her anymore.  It also appears that 29SD has done something to her Mom's extended family too.  The SD doesn't feel welcomed there either.  The other SD has never shown an interest in spending the holidays with her DADDDEEE until this year.  Petty sure it has nothing to do with not wanting or liking her mom as her mom financially supports her.  Hmmmm, not sure what is going on this year.  

Jojab1636's picture

This hasn't been an issue for us until this year.  The SD's normally are with their BM.  However, 29SD had a huge blow out with her Mom and doesn't want anything to do with her anymore.  It also appears that 29SD has done something to her Mom's extended family too.  The SD doesn't feel welcomed there either.  The other SD has never shown an interest in spending the holidays with her DADDDEEE until this year.  Petty sure it has nothing to do with not wanting or liking her mom as her mom financially supports her.  Hmmmm, not sure what is going on this year.  

Kes's picture

Absolutely you are seeing it the right way.  If your DH doesn't want to step up and support you, his wife, and make his kids accountable then it is an abusive relationship, which I know you don't want, having had one in your first marriage. DH needs to make big changes if he wants to hold on to you.  

Lollybobs's picture

'I come home from work today and DH left a letter On my bed. It goes into what love is in the Bible. How we need to all forget the past and start a new. That mistakes have been made and we need to forgive and move on.'

Oh I'd be moving on all alright...

ITB2012's picture

He's trying to guilt you into letting it all continue and is being heavy handed by dropping Bible verses into his justification.

My DH tries the "let's not bring up the past and start new" because he does not want to deal with things, not because he's trying to be forgiving and actually move forward in a different direction.

shes driving me crazy in my retirement's picture

Agree with this gaslighting.  What about the Commandment - Honor thy father and thy mother? and the other ones?

Abuse is abuse and, trust me, once you stop taking it you will feel so much better. 

MurphysLaw's picture

“Am I looking at this the right way?”

After 15 YEARS, Yes you FINALLY ARE.

Stand your ground.

Curious Georgetta's picture

to be. The right way for him is whatever he decides it to be. 

The right way for you as a couple is whatever compromise agreement that you can reach and live with; If you cannot reach a mutually acceptable compromise then maybe you should try living apart.

 

bedazzled's picture

I have a question for you. I saw on one of your posts that you are not even a stepparent. Why are you commenting on something you know nothing about? You have not walked in the shoes of the stepparents who post here. How can you judge what any of us are going through? I do not want the advice from someone who has no idea what it feels like to be in the situations that the actual stepparents on this site are in. If you are a kind person leave the posters on this site alone. Join a site where you actually have a clue as to what the members are going through. You should not be giving advice for something you have never experienced. 

StepUltimate's picture

It's unclear what kind of thrill it brings CG to constantly be TROLLING on this website. 

Rags's picture

I would ramp up the pain on SD by suing her for Defamation, Slander or Libel in any applicable combination that has the most significant consequences for SD.  Let DH know that bible references or not, you will not be victimized by his toxic spawn and will rub her nose firmly in the stench of her toxic behavior with legal and financial consequences.

Bring the pain. Let SD learn.  As for DH, give him a counter bible reference. Make it two references. Eph 5:25 “For husbands, this means love your wives, just as Christ loved the church. He gave up his life for her." and Gen 2:24 “Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh."

Enjoy!

Diablo

SacrificialLamb's picture

Your DH is more afraid to lose his children than he is afraid to lose you. He is taking you for granted. He needs a big reality check that you are not putting up with it anymore or you are leaving. Then hopefully he will be more afraid of losing you. If not, you know what to do.

BTW, my OSD told DH I was abusing him also, because he finally defended me against her poor behavior. It took him forever to do so, and she never said I was abusive before.  But when he finally defended me, I was suddenly an abuser. It's how she manipulates. She bullies, and DH was afraid of her and not seeing her children. And she did exactly what he was afraid of, punished him and withdrew the grandchildren.

Your DH knows how his children are. He knows what they are doing to you. He may even care and feel bad about it, but he cares about his comfort more and what he stands to lose by standing up to his children.   Mine admitted later he knew what my SDs were doing but he didn't know what to do about it. So he just stuck his head in the sand.

bedazzled's picture

The thing about forgetting and moving on for me is that when people don’t own their own actions, and show any remorse, and you just forget and move on, you are really just opening yourselves  up for their continued abuse. Like ispofacto said forgiveness only come with repentance.  The pattern will not stop if they are not accountable for their actions. If DH would have stood up to them and held them accountable, we would have not gone thru these years of abuse.

Rags's picture

It will stop when you bring the right painful consequences to play.     You know these people. You know what will get under their skin.  You know what will drive them insane.

Get creative and have fun.

Merry's picture

Sure, just forget all the abuse and move on. All that does is set you up for more abuse. That's stupid, and couching it in Bible verses (most certainly entirely out of context) is another attempt to control and guilt you into doing what he wants.

I'm sorry you've been accused of something terrible that you didn't do.

shes driving me crazy in my retirement's picture

Hi bedazzled:

You said this:  "As long as his children are never held accountable for i actions I do not want any kind of interaction with them at all.  They do not have a free pass to abuse me and move on. 

Even in AA or any other 12 step program people have to make restitutions to the people the hurt. They don’t get a free pass. DH is just looking for another free pass for his abusive children.

That is so right on.  Those programs do that to make people ACCOUNTABLE and ACKNOWLEDGE the hurt and pain they caused. 

At least if they apoligized and acknowledged that they hurt you you would feel they at least gave a darn about what they did to you.  By not doing they they leave you to deal with it, after all, as they see it, it's your problem not theirs.

CANYOUHELP's picture

You need to stay away from abusers and abusive situations. In most cases that includes the adult step brats. In my case, even DH if he is with them.  Not witnessing the worship service ever again......no wife should be that badly abused to be married.

CLove's picture

Standing up for yourself is hard, but you are doing the right thing.

I had a similar situation - SD20 accused me of abusing her sister SD13 (whom I have a wonderful relationship with btw, who tells me she loves me, btw) and she also accused me of abusing HER, the person who was there for her when her mother was beating on her.

I had to draw boundaries and tell DH that I will NEVER live with her ever again.  SD20 went no contact on us. Thank goodness.

still learning's picture

Pack his belongings up and send him off to live with his loving daughter to protect him from your abusiveness.  Tell him it's for his own good!  Then enjoy the peace.  

fedupinwa's picture

Do you even go to church?  Do the two of you run your house based on biblical principles?  My ex loved to pull up the convenient bible verse to prove a point and it pissed me off.  You can't pick and choose when you need to follow it.  And a note?  WTF! Why can't he talk to you about wanting to start fresh with the relationships?  Seems the two of you need some counseling and boundary setting STAT.