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Stepson's Birthday

Jennifer11's picture


I am new to this forum and could really use some advice. My stepson is celebrating his 6th birthday next month.

His mom and dad alternate having him for his birthday. Last year, we had him on his birthday so we planned his birthday party. We invited his mom, but she chose not to attend.

This year, his mom is planning his birthday party. My stepson is really excited about his party and told me that he wanted me and his dad to come. Although it would be awkward for the adults, my husband and I are willing to put our discomfort aside to be there for his son.

My husband talked to his ex about it. He shared with her that his son asked that we come to his party. She told him that we are not invited and can't come.

For context, my husband and his ex wife divorced when my stepson was nearly one year old. They were on the rocks before he was born and things didn't get better after he was born, so my husband initiated the divorce. I met him when his son was 3.5 years old. We got married late last year.

I am really close to my stepson. I have known him since he was 3.5 years old and we have a really great relationship. He's my little buddy. I don't know his mom very well as I have only met her a few times. She does not get along with my husband at all, though.

Anyway, I feel so terrible because I feel like this puts me in a position where I have to disappoint my stepson. I don't know what to tell him when he asks me if I am coming to his birthday party.

Should I tell him that I have other plans? I don't want to tell him that though because there is nothing more important to me than being at his events and I don't want him to think he's not a priority to me. Should we tell him that we are not invited to his party and will celebrate with him the following weekend? I'm not sure this is the best thing because then it puts him in the middle. I really do not know the best way to handle this.

Any advice will be greatly appreciated.

oneoffour's picture

Just tell him this is his mother's party to plan and you will all celebrate the following weekend. Which is pretty cool seeing his birthday lasts longer!

You aren't letting him down, his mother is. If he asks if you are coming tell him you aren't invited this time. Don't throw his mother under the bus because that would be petty. And consider this an example of what is in your future. You may not always be there for the big events. You just don't get invited. And frankly if DH and BM have a cold and frosty relationship hanging around at a party with her will be just full of tension.

Maxwell09's picture

Just tell him that this year is his mom's turn to give him a birthday party but that when yall see him after yall will do something special.

Andie91801's picture

If you want to piss off BM give him the present before his birthday other than that listen to all the advice celebrate his birthday after. Explain to him and he will understand

Best of luck


Evil3's picture

I had the opposite thought as you when my SKs were little. I hated with a passion that my DH and BM would act like BFFs and combine parties and such "for the sake of the kids." It's bullshit as far as I'm concerned. If DH and BM still want to play house and act like one happy family, they should have never divorced. It's not healthy to lead kids on. If divorced parents keeps doing that, the SKs will ultimately turn on the SM and try to break up the marriage so that mommmmeeeeeee and daddddeeeeee can get back together. The kid will see the evil SM as being in the way of the parents getting back together. This is the case even when kids were too young to have ever known their parents together. It's much better the way your BM is doing things. It's time your SS is told that while mom and dad are divorced, they both love SS and it will mean having two celebrations. One at Mom's and one at Dad's. Trust me. It's much better this way.

Jennifer11's picture

Thank you all for the advice.

In this case my stepson does not have any memory of his parents being together because they divorced when he was one, so I don't think he has any expectation of them getting back together.

My husband and I would actually prefer to do separate birthday celebrations. It's just that this year, maybe because he is getting older, my stepson has specifically asked us to come to the birthday party his mom is throwing for him. All of his friends will be there and I think he is just really excited and wants all of his family to be there too. He doesn't understand the history between his parents and why they wouldn't both be at his birthday.

Anyway, I think we will just be honest with him and tell him that we would love to be there but we are not invited this year and tell him that we will celebrate with him the following weekend.

I don't think giving him his present early to spoil any presents she gives him is something we are interested in doing. It's really about being there for him for his important life events. We are not trying to compete or have any drama with his mom.

STEP--MOM--1's picture

I agree with above. We've done it both ways and it's so much better separate. SS even gets excited because he has two parties. BM does his school friend etc and we do our family and his cousins!!!