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I have question for everyone

bedazzled's picture

What is the number 1 need that after living a life in this step world that you would like to have from your spouse? That you dream of some spouse sweeping in and giving you? What would you give up to get it? 
i will start My number 1 need that I wish my spouse would meet is knowing that now matter what DH has my back and would protect me. That my marriage would be my safe spot. That our marriage would be his safe spot. I can honestly say that I would stand up for my husband over my children. If my children put in that position. He is my number 1. What would I give up for him to fulfill that need for me. All the travel, all the material items, flowers, jewelry any gifts. Knowing my husband would always protect me and  I would alway protect him from whomever tried to hurt either one of us. To be an impenetrable team. That is my dream. 
What is yours?

tog redux's picture

That's what I have - and I wouldn't have stayed with him otherwise. For me, it's the only way to survive a step-situation, especially if there is a crazy BM involved.

Exjuliemccoy's picture

My DH has his faults, but he puts our marriage first.

I wish he could use his words to draw boundaries with his relatives instead of just retreating into his shell like a turtle, but I can't control that. How he chooses to deal with his people is up to him, and the outcome, while imperfect, has brought me the peace I've always wanted.

Focused_onourlife's picture

This ^^^ 100 percent! And when my DH does get tired of the drama and speak up I almost wish he didn't lol. He gets the point across either way and they know where his loyalties lies otherwise I would have bounced years ago.

Lollybobs's picture

No.1 need?  For DH to remove his rose-coloured spectacles where OSD is concerned, see her for who is she truly is and  therefore treat her in the same way he would treat anyone else who behaves as she does.

jam's picture

I would like for my dh to not go into auto (defend/excuse/throw me under the bus) mode anytime I say something about skids. It would be nice to hear "I am sorry that happened". Instead I have just learned to say nothing or very little because the three options that I know I will get, just make me feel worse.

After 15 years of marriage, I do feel that things are better. The difference is I say very little to dh about the skids and I have laid down bounderies that I enforce myself.

It would really be nice to feel protected. After 15 years THAT is still a work in progress.

What I would give up? NOTHING! My dh has not had to give up anything for me to treat him as a husband should be treated. I am kind & polite. I am kind to his kids when they are around. I encourage him to have a relationship with his kids. I take care of all the gift giving, etc and I would not tolerate my kids treating him with disrespect. I have been a very good wife and a good stepmother.

 

sandye21's picture

I have expressed this before and have received replies that say I should protect myself.  While I agree I should protect myself, it would be nice to know that if needed, I could depend on DH to ensure I 'felt' protected.  He has failed miserably at this, and it has been a major bone of contention in our marriage.  

We recently had a visitor from Italy.  She is 21 years old and I have learned SOOO much from her!  One thing is clarity.  She doesn't assume people read her thoughts or 'do the right thing'.  She is very clear about what she wants or doesn't want, then she assumes a pleasant attitude and life goes on.  For example:  We wanted to take her to the zoo.  She simply said with confidence in her voice, "I don't want to do that because I don't like to see animals in cages."  

I sometimes wonder if my DH has Aspergers or some sort of neurological condition that causes him to miss 'cues' and lacks the ability to comprehend that it is his job as a Husband to be there for me when I need support.  Hints just simply do not work with him.  So I have learned a lesson to leave nothing to mis-interpretation.  From now on, I will clearly communicate what I want and don't want.  This gives him the opportunity to come through with the appropriate action or he will suffer the consequences - and it will be clearly communicated that those consequences could be emotionally painful for him.

I know all of this sounds like a threat or an ultimatum.  You can take it as you wish.  I have learned sometimes you have to be very basic to, as Rags puts it, "to gain clarity."  In other words, "You scratch my back, I'll scratch yours - and you only get one chance.."  

jam's picture

You are so right, unfortunately I must be weak in the area of  "consequences". Current example. We will travel a couple hours to go out of state to the brother in-laws for Christmas dinner & gift exchange. My sd will have to travel 4 hours to go to the dinner. Our house is on the way. I do not want sd to travel 2 hours to my house and then leave the next day to complete the other 2 hours to get to the dinner. I make it clear as to the why I don't want them to spend the nite.  So when I mention it to dh he goes on about having a relationship with his daughter and that there are sacrifices that I should be willing to make, blah, blah, blah. He also mentions that his sacraifice is that he works hard as a provider which enabled me to be retired.  I was very clear on why I don't want sd to stop. #1 her family is large, her & her husband & their 5 kids ages 3 mos, 11 years, 9 years, 5 years, & 2 years. They will expect a big breakfast in the morning and will leave my house in a mess and my dh makes excuses that " sd's hands are full with five kids". 

So that leaves me just hoping sd does not come to my house. The only boundary I know that I will be able to enforce is that the 11 & 2 year old will wear a pull-up since they are still bed wetters. The 9 & 5 year olds finally out grew wetting the bed. Long story but I fought a long hard battle to get that boundary in place. I actually may be worried for nothing because I had apparently offended sd with my insisting on skids wearing pull-ups and they (as a family) have not spent the nite in close to a year. We have had overnights with the sgkids one at a time which was very nice & enjoyable.

sandye21's picture

Gosh!  I remember this from along time ago and even then agreed whole-heartedly with you.  It is hard to comprehend why SD would be offended that you don't want to ruin the mattress for future guests.   And DH still making excuses.  What does he say to cleaning up after them?

Don't feel alone being weak about dishing out and sticking with consequences.  Until very recently I would inform DH of the consequences if he failed to at least SHOW that he wanted to protect and support me.  Time after time I would get ticked, threaten, pout, and in the end life went on as usual.  Not anymore. I took my cue from the girl who recently visited us, and SDM.  I clearly spelled it out for him. When she left I asked him if he wanted to work on the marriage or part ways.  He responded that he wanted to work on the marriage.  I informed him that if he 'slipped' again there would be 'permanent' consequences.  No more chances.

shes driving me crazy in my retirement's picture

bedazzledl - Exactly what you said.  That when his Twit would do things and say things that were mean, nasty, etc. he wold tell her to stop it right now.  And then show her the door or what ever telling her she is not welcome.  Alais,  my case that never happened.  And now we are where we are now.

MissTexas's picture

man who doesn't suffer from divorced daddy guilt, and who would put his marriage FIRST, the way I have done. That's all.

While I have made sacrifice after sacrifice (reminds me of the children's book "The Giving Tree" at times)  to ensure he is happy, always, I cannot say he has done the same for me. He has not given up anything to be in my life. He's a hard worker, pays the bills (his words,and I agree) but there is so much more to love and marriage. I have told him I would much rather have the wolf at the door, and know unequivocally he treasures me the way I deserve, and we would be in the trenches together fighting whatever comes our direction.

As for what I would give up, I don't have much left to give him that I already have not given. It's as if little pieces of me have been slowly devoured, little by little, where DH's relationship with his adult offspring are concerned.

Similarly, I would never allow my kids to treat him the way his kids have treated me, and certainly not without addressing it and putting the relationship in the proper perspective. When SD did what she did to me it was horrific, but when HE DID NOTHING ABOUT IT, I felt as if someone had removed my insides, my soul, and replaced it all with tears. It was a death of sorts, and my soul still weeps when I think about it.

Thankfully, other things, and aspects of our relationship bring a smile to my face. As long as there is something to smile about and be thankful for, we abound with joy from within. A book "Healing The Soul Of A Woman" (Joyce Meyer) and a few others have helped me keep my perspective.

When DH doesn't do what he knows he HAS to do, we ALL SUFFER greatly.

Merry's picture

I wish my DH would stop being afraid of his kids. He's afraid that if he doesn't do whatever they order him to do that they will stop loving him. On some level he knows this is ridiculous but here we are. 

His knee-jerk reaction is to do what they want. He has on occasion pushed back, but then they punish him by not speaking to him. It's heartbreaking. 

This rarely affects me, but when it does I am not shy about speaking up. So naturally I become the problem, and I totally reject that. Pffftttt, blame me if you'd like, but my position stands.

 

SacrificialLamb's picture

All I have cared about , since I was around 6 years old, was peace. I grew up in a crazy household, but that is another story. 

At this point I want to ensure my DH protects the peace that I want. Go visit your spoiled brat middle aged kids I don't care. Let me live in peace.

It took a while to get here, but that's where we are, and his poor SDs are spinning their wheels trying to think of how to ruin it. Since I am so far removed from them, their options are limited.

Exjuliemccoy's picture

For years, I asked for, whined, and begged for peace. I too grew up in a family with near constant low-level chaos. But I've learned that peace isn't something someone else can give to you; you have to create it for yourself, and at times be willing to be ruthless to get it.

It took completely stepping back from my DH's people for me to acheive that peace. The first eighteen years of my marriage were filled with drama, strife, catastrophe, and more drama - all from DH's family, kids, and exes. These several years since I disengaged have been so peaceful!  DH has figured out that the change in me is a permanent one. No way would I ever go back to being a doormat for his people.

SacrificialLamb's picture

It upsets my SDs that they have no way to get at me. But being far away, disengaged, is the only way. My DH does the bare minimum to maintain a relationship with his family. The older he gets the more he says he does not want to go anywhere. And the roads only go one way to the Holy Land.

sandye21's picture

"My number 1 need that I wish my spouse would meet is knowing that now matter what DH has my back and would protect me. That my marriage would be my safe spot."  Me too.  My DH has consistently shown just the opposite throughout our 28 years of marriage.  This is why I am considering a separation from DH.  There has been just too many times when I have said, "Next time it will be the end of our marriage."  It finally occurs to you that a husband should never play 'nice guy' to someone who has been disrespectful of you.

bedazzled's picture

100% " it finally occurs to you that a husbandshould never play 'nice guy' to someone who has been disrespectful to you" 

That is it that is everything that I feel and have tried to get DH to understand for 15 years. He never will. So my choices are the same as yours. Leave or live in a empty shell of a marriage. I don't care who it is family, friends etc. They should never accept someone being disrespectful to their spouse. 

 

Lollybobs's picture

' It finally occurs to you that a husband should never play 'nice guy' to someone who has been disrespectful of you'

And this is the problem. ...split loyalties ultimately cause a lack of loyalty.

Rags's picture

I already have it.  And I commit myself to giving the same to my bride.  She and we... are my priority.

bedazzled's picture

I spoke to a counselor today. I am not really sure how I am feeling about it. He says that a husband should stand up to anyone who disrespects his spouse. But then he adds that their is an astrick by that.  That he believes in blended marriages that the children no matter what age, if a line is drawn that the Bio must chose the child. That the children are number 1 and that the spouse is a close #2.

My biggest problem with that is my own experience. I as I have said before am a SD. My father remarried when I was in my 20's. I did not like her. I pushed and pushed. My father stood up for her to me. I did not like it. I did draw the line in the sand. My father told me to get out of his house until I could respect him and his wilf. I was mad for several months. I thought about it.

Did I really want my father to be alone for me? I swallowed my pride and said I was sorry. The relationship has been steady ever since. My father is now 93 years old. Would I have wanted his alone for the past 25 years for benifit? He has had many health issues, I love him and wanted to be there for him but not every single day. His wife has been. She has been there everyday. He is only able to still live where he wants to in his home because of her. If he had done what I wanted and this couselor says he should have done, he would be in a nursing home now or dead. 

So maybe the couselor thinks he should have left her because the kids come first and found someone I liked. Someone I was OK with. Maybe he would have found that person. Maybe he wouldn't. Would there have been anyone I approved of If I knew that I had the final say? What if who I approved of my Dad didn't really Love the same way he loved the wife I was allowed to get rid of?  Now that my Dad is at the end of his life would it have been fair for me to take that away from him? Just because he happened to be my Dad.

I have 3 bio kids. so if they treated my DH like trash, I should chose them over him even though I Love him? 

If you think about what this couselor is saying. It is really sad. Society says once you have children you can never think about your own happiness again.They now own you.  Even when your children are adults with children of their own. Your happiness depends on what they chose for you. Wow my son just got married. He and his new wife love each other very much. So now when they have children their spouse is no longer #1? They belong to their children. I guess society also says that once you have children and your marriage fails or your spouse dies which is what happened to me. You do not have the right to happiness unless it is approved of by the chrildren. No matter what age. 

I believe in God. The couselor is supposedly a christian couselor. It this really what God wants? I am very lucky. I did not raise my children to have that much power over me. They want me to be happy. They want me to be happy with whom I chose. They trust my choice. These parents who did not raise their children this way are they really happy that they handed their lives over to their children? If they are then they never should have gotten remarried. They never should have let someone fall in love with them, Knowing that their children have all the power over them. That is very selfish.  If you can't or won't put your spouse first stay single don't pull anyone else into your mess. That is not love. If you can't make the total commitment don't make it at all. That is just using someone for your own comfort. 

I do believe that blended marriages can work if, and only if both the parents are on the same page and stand by their spouse. There is no grey area. The second the kids are able to get between the couple it is down hill. My Dads marriage his 3rd with 2 children from the first and 2 children from the second and none from the 3rd has lasted for 33 years so far. As a child of divorce. I can say it is not wrong to put your spouse first. It is wrong to put your kids first. God deceided that it says so in the bible. 

All the excuses that people use, the kids were not ready for it, they only want mom and dad together, they are damaged because of the divorce are BS. They are damaged because they had parents that wanted to be their BFF instead of a parent and teach them right from wrong.

My DH will admit that his children a mean, narcisstic adults. That neither of them really have any true close friends. That they abuse everyone around them. But he makes excuses and justify's it.  Their love and he admits it is money and power. He says that but he still has hope that they will change. 

I have come to the conclusion that my DH acts the way he does because he can't  face the reality of what he raised. His reality is way to painful for him to face. HIs hope now is that his Gkids will be different. That doesn't happen. Narcissists will raise narcissists. It must suck to know that you raised 2 horrible mean narcisstic people. They both are very sucessful money wise. But that is it. 

I raised my 3 children by myself. Their father died when they were young. They all have good jobs, They are married or in a commited relationship. They treat people kindly. They have had to work for what they have. They are happy and they want their Mom happy. They are far from perfect. DH says I can control my children. He says he can not control his children. I really dont think at this age it is control. I think it is being raised to respect others.

What I can now see. Since I have emotionally taken a step back. DH had a chance with wife #3 to experience a marriage where the spouse put each other as number.1. He did not do that I can now see in his other 2 marriages either. He also chooses not to do that in this marriage. He will never really experience what it means to be married to your #1. He will spend his life to his dying day chasing and trying to pick up the crumbs of what his children throw him. He really thinks that is Love. 

Go ahead society tell us all how children should always be put first above your spouse. It is working out so well. Just look around at the mess of self centered narrcissists we have raised. The next gerneration should be a real treat.  
 

 

Rags's picture

You found an idiot therapist. Fire them and find one with an actual intellect.

Never forget that your therapist works for  you and if they are incapable of delivering on the support that you need, hire a different one.  

For my own edification, does this therapist know of your experiences as an SD with a confident father who is commited to his marriage?  If the therapist knows and still is spouting this bullshit about putting kids above one's equity life partner then this therapist is a special kind of stupid.  I would suggest that you find a professionally educated secular therapist rather than seeking therapy from a church therapist.   

Religious therapists quide and counsel from a spriritual perspective while mental health professionals counsel with a healthy outcome for their clients as their goal.  Not always do the two align.  Separate the spiritual guidance you seek from your emotional health efforts.

IMHO of course.

Good luck.

Exjuliemccoy's picture

I agree with Rags for two reasons.

Firstly, because a religious counselor can only counsel within the scope of their chosen faith/doctrine. Because of this, most lack the knowledge and clarity to help with step issues, particularly as they relate to stepmoms. The one you got is definitely an idiot.

Secondly, because this couselor seems to either be allowing their personal philosophy to override biblical teachings or cherry picking which rules God wants you to follow. Advising that your H should put his adult kids above his wife is not only the step policy of failure, it goes against the biblical teachings of Genesis 2:24 - "Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: they shall be one flesh"; and Ephesians 6:1-4 “Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right." Or how about the good ole fifth commandment  “Honor your father and mother” (this is the first commandment with a promise), “that it may go well with you and that you may live long in the land.”? See? I can cherry pick, too.

Rags sums it up well when he advises you to "separate your spiritual guidance from your emotional health efforts". I recommend finding an experienced female therapist who is or has been a stepmom. Get a list of qualified counselors/therapists, prepare a list of questions regarding their experience and approach to step dynamics vis a vis marriage, and interview them one by one.

 

captjacksprrw's picture

OK so Therapists are like auto mechanics.  Some are very talented and others make it worse.  Dump them now.  In my case, a Priest looked right at my DW and explained that the marriage is the crucial center.  If need be, OSS was an adult and if he had to be out at at the homeless shelter then visit, show love and take him a couple meals. 

 

jam's picture

I have to admit that when my dh & I married, we thought the kids should come first since they existed before the marriage. What I quickly learned was that although I had their best interest at heart, they only wanted to destroy the married. After a few years of that I advised my dh that the marriage HAD to come first and for the reasons I just mentioned. Putting the marriage first was very hard to get into place because we had already given these arrogant brats our power and they did not want to relinguish that power. I found myself in a very big battle to get something back that should have never been given away in the first place AND I found myself all alone. Not only was there a battle to get my power back, (notice I said my power not our power & I have to also admit that at this point I really had NEVER had ANY) and I also had a battle with my dh to be MY ally instead of his kids.  

I still can not beleive how dumb I was and the additional problems we brought on ourselves by putting dh's children first in our marriage.

SacrificialLamb's picture

I don't know if we every said "the kids come first". His kids were almost 30; mine were in middle school when we got married. We just expected our kids were important to us and that we were all reasonable and would get along.  I really hate this "who comes first" discussion.

I am not eligible for the role of daughter and Dh's daughters are not eligible for the role of wife. But they don't care; they want to make sure they are in Spot #1 all the time; even though they are in their 40's.  OSD expects to be #1 with her own DH, but also with her father. 

People need to stick to their roles. Life would be easier if they did. But that requires an understanding of boundaries.

CANYOUHELP's picture

I think in dysfunctional situations, these husbands have told the adult kids (at some point in time and in some way);they come first and then have to play both ends against the middle (because it does not work). Daddeee ends up messing up with all parties and eventually realizing the hard way-- the majority of the time is spent with the wife/spouse --so maybe they need to be reasonable to live peacefully in a marriage. This, of course, infuriates pushy adult kid(s), who start the guilt trip thing and the whole sick, ridiculous cycle starts over. Daddeee just will not man up and set the record straight out of fear of his own children. But, the adult kids do begin to catch on to that daddee's actions are not matching his words--in due time.

The wife/spouse has to be the priority or else the marriage with end. Marriage is not about hosting a bunch a selfish adults out of entitlement.  

Miss T's picture

.. DH would stop with the pouting and the accusatory observations that "You never liked my son, blah blah blah" whenever he has to be reminded of boundaries that we agreed on, or when novel situations crop up that require the boundaries be adjusted, however microscopically.

I behave civilly, I keep my end of the bargain, and generally do my best to keep the (sometimes uneasy) peace he and I have made regarding his son. But things change, new situations come up, and I sometimes have to re-assert or re-define my boundaries. And every damn time, I get the drama and the "You never liked my son!" crap.

It's not actually true that I never liked his son. I liked him just fine for about 15 seconds, at which point the lilttle creep attempted to jerk my chain. I clapped back (gently), and his father gave ME a dirty look.

So yeah, I don't like him and I wish DH would stop trying to guilt me about it , and that he would not pull the martyr routine whenever I insist on boundaries or resist attempts to poke a toe over them. I end up having to unpack and minutely explain  every microaggression and justify my defense against it. It's exhausting, and I end up feeling like a crazy person. It's like trying to explain calculus to a monkey.

I wish he'd just stop it.

SacrificialLamb's picture

When I heard that from my DH I asked why would I like OSD? Give me some reasons. Crickets.

Miss T's picture

... and I may ask it. Thus far DH's whining, bullying, guilting, and gaslighting haven't inspired me to affection for SS. Maybe DH has more tricks up his sleeve.

Or here's a thought: SS could stir himself to mount a charm offensive. Thus far he hasn't seemed interested. Methinks Daddee needs to let the spawn manage his own relationships.

SusieCue's picture

It would be for my husband to stop being manipulated by SD15. It would be for him to put our marriage first. I read an article that said marriage should come first because when the kids are gone, you only have each other. And if you raised selfish little assholes you are doing everyone a disservice. Sure, when they're babies put them first. But when they're teenage c*nts that act as mini wives and try to split you up... Put them in their place. I'm at the point where I'm thinking that divorce is the only option. I'm sick of this little bitch's BS and I'm sick of my husband not seeing her for what she is. Ever since I met this girl she's been nothing but a thorn in my side. I hate her now, and I don't see this coming to an end when she turns 18... She's the type that will be sponging off of Daddy until she's 40.