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My partner has moved his 20yo son in our home

CrisS23's picture

I am 30 yo and my partner is 49. He has 2 kids (girl:18 and boy:20) We have been together for around 2 years now and we have has a very beautiful relationship. It all went down the drain when we bought a house together last summer (we paid 50/50).

He told me that his son will sleep at our place for a few nights a week because they will drive together to work (where his son is an intern), which in my mind made sense. But that was the only talk about this that we have ever had and his son has been at our place for the past half year without my bf coming and even asking me if I am ok with this. 

When I asked him what is the agreement they have and why didn’t he came and talked to me about that and that I feel we don’t have a lot of privacy in our relationship, his answer was “you don’t like my children”, which is not the case. The second attempt I had at talking about it, he had an even more agressive reaction, but he calmed down after I tried explaining that I feel I have no privacy and that it was not fair to not even ask me if I am ok with his son moving in. He seemed symphatetic of me at that point, but nothing has changed. He also told me that this was his plan even before to buy the house, that his son can just come here whenever he wants (he didn’t mention anything to me about it before me insisting on it)

The problem is that his silence about it has caused a serious problem in my mind and now the situation pisses me off more than it should. 

Most of the time his soon feels he is here as a guest and does not contribute to any house chores.. I am mostly left cleaning after him when he lives for the weekend. 

How can a tackle this situation since it is a very sensitive subject for my partner?

 

 

 

 

Thumper's picture

Partner....as in Business Partner ? OR is he your boyfriend or girlfriend? My adult child told me i should  NOT assume ones gender these days...

You have been hoodwinked I think.

Talk to him again, offer a rental contract for adult kid to sign that includes move IN date and 6months intervals, rent costs, rent inclusions, house rules ==no overnight sleeping guests allowed male or female, no smoking inside home, no drugs, no parties, renter must purchase own food, no music allowed past volume 2 on tuner. Renter must have carpets professional cleaned every 3months in room and checked professionally every 3months for fleas, ants, roaches ect.  No coming in the house past 10pm Sunday thru Friday, Sat not past 12midnight. Renters Parking spot is in street and NOT ever in driveway or your parking spot. No pets allowed. Renter must supply all personal products including food and laundry products (yours is locked in lockbox moving forward).

IF your partner cant hack the renters agreement, then he can do a quick claim to buy you out or you buy him out or sell the house in 90days. HE picks. In the mean time no adult kids allowed.

Pretty cut and dry if you ask me.

Doubt if kid will want to move in under those conditions.

 

 

 

Thumper's picture

He was on my insurance at no cost to him. And I just found out today that he paid for many of his prescriptions with my "card on file." I think he knew what he was doing because he didn't charge his ED medication to it. I'm out about $250, but it's not actionable in court because we were married at the time, and I'm not going to ask him for the money because we are no contact, and my peace of mind is worth way more than $250.

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What "Basket" Balls he has to use your card for his medication. Hell, I would send him the bill and see if he pays it. What a jerk.

 

hereiam's picture

The problem is that his silence about it has caused a serious problem in my mind and now the situation pisses me off more than it should. 

No, you are pissed off the right amount. .

Why is it more important that it is a sensitive subject for you partner, than how YOU feel about the situation?

I would not stay silent about this and would do as Goodluck suggests.

If his son feels that he is a guest, I would let him know that he has worn out his welcome and it's time for him to go home. Otherwise, a contract is in order and a timeline to GET OUT.

It has nothing to do with not liking somebody. I like a lot of people, doesn't mean I want them living with me and my husband. In fact, we agreed a long time ago that no other adult lives with us, it is very hard on a relationship.

CrisS23's picture

I totally agree.. I just thought that it is sensitive since he is his son tho.. I would probably also react in certain ways if someone questioned thing like this. But indeed my privacy and my feelings should not be neglected.. which they totally have!

tog redux's picture

I wish I could be a fly on the wall for these conversations:

SM: DH, I'd like to talk about SS being here all the time.

DH: You hate my children!

I have to say, in 9 years together, DH has not once accused me of hating his son. It's a childish, bullying response meant to avoid having a grown-up conversation with his "partner".

joan mary's picture

you don’t like my children” is the perfect way to STOP a conversation.  It diverts all the issue away from him and his lack of discussion with you about this issue.   For many people the years of being single make it difficult to talk about the basic parameters of day to day life.  For many dad's the guilt of not being in the same house with their kids end up destroying the next relationship.  

For you, talking about the 20 year old kid is also a way of talking around the subject.  Instead of saying, "Hey, I am really pissed that you gave permission for your kid to camp at our house without seeing if it is okay with me".  or "Hey, I did not sign up to own half a house that I don't get to make any decisions about."  Along with "Hey, I am really mad that you dont clean up after your kid."  See the difference.  Don't let him redirect the conversation to the kid.  You are mad at HIM!!!

Own your unhappiness at him.  Be brave enough to tell him how pissed you are at him and not his 20 year old kid.  The kid is just being a kid.  My own bio kids were rotten at that age, total pigs, expecting the world, ungrateful, etc.  They are great people today but at 20 they had issues.

Instead of just putting the house on the market and heading for the hills I suggest that you tell your partner you want to go for counseling.  With or without him, go yourself.  You will need it to help you change this narrative away from the kid an unto the lack of fairness in your relationship.  

 

 

 

CrisS23's picture

I swear this is the best response I have gotten from anyone. And it is a very good idea to focus at me being angry at him, that makes it much easier to understand. 

Thanks for your answer! I seriously appreciate it! 

Sgavilan's picture

Hi Cris, sorry to hear what you’ve been dealing with. I can’t say if you’ve been used or not, only you who are in the r/ship. What I recommend is as other users say begin your exit plan ASAP, you deserve much better starting with respect in major family and financial decisions. 

My husband has an 8yo son who lives with his mum and stays with us one night a fortnight, and 2 of our own kids together. I’ve made it very clear to my husband that if he brings his kids to live FT in our home the marriage is over. He does not take this seriously which causes a lot of tension. Best of luck! 

Too old for this's picture

 I suggest you tell him that HE not his son is the problem.  He had no right to hoodwink you like this. And hoodwink he did.  That is disrespectful and shows he is not the man you fell in love with.  It definitely means he is not lifetime partner material.  Explain this to him.  If he tries to deflect by making it about you not “liking” his son then you really need to cut your losses.  Take my word for it.  It will only get worse and you will be in for an upsetting life with him.

Rags's picture

Since your partner is such a fan of lack of communication..... call the locksmith, rekey-key the locks and tell them that next time they should both speak to you first before entering your home.  Time for the SKid to launch and for your partner to clearly understand that you are to be consulted on all things related to who resides in your home.

See how he likes being treated as a mushroom.  Keep him in the dark and feed him a bunch of crap until he chooses to see the light.

KC is not the stepmother's picture

I would tell him that since there are now three people living there the costs need to be split 3 ways. He can pay 2/3 for him and his son or the son can pay his own way.  Either way it's not your responsibility.