I really dislike one of my stepsons
I really dislike one of my stepsons. We went through absolute hell the past year with BM going to war about how traumatic it was for this SS to come to our home. DH had a terrible mediation where he ended up agreeing to paying more child support than he owes under the law (BM just didn't provide information on a good chunk of her income and his useless lawyer didn't push the issue) and also agreed that SS only had to come to our home on Saturday and Sunday, not Friday evening, Saturday, and Sunday (a really stupid distinction, I know, but BM and SS felt like they won over that one). Now, not even four visitation weekends into the new schedule, BM emails DH - "SS would like to come to your home on Fridays now, so I'll bring both of them at the same time." I'm assuming this is more about BM not wanting to drive them twice - since this SS already told us that it's really unfair that BM has to drive twice. Or it’s about the fact that DH told SS that if he didn’t want to come at all he didn’t have to, it was his choice - leading BM to accuse DH of trying to change the visitation schedule without contacting her. But really, what happened to how traumatic it was for him to come to our house. DH's whole family got involved and told DH how terrible he was over this whole thing...and now, not traumatic any more. Funny how that happens. I know that this is a scenario largely created by BM, but this SS is a teenager, so really, he's old enough to understand that he's creating drama, too.
He's also started telling us about all the things that BM pays for, for him. Yes, SS, your dad is now paying BM twice as much as he used to, so of course, she's buying you more things. Also, she is probably paying herself more now (she's a partner in a small consulting firm), because she doesn't have to lower her income anymore for the mediation.
Last visitation weekend, he told his brother - other SS - that he was "disrespectful to mom" for forgetting his "new sweatshirt" that BM bought him at our house. So much so that BM insisted upon coming to our house mid-week to pick it up, even though it's been in the 90s out here and no one needs a sweatshirt.
I was really hoping that he would decide that he didn't want to come anymore, but how could he cause drama if he wasn't coming around and how could BM continue to cause drama if he wasn't around. She pretty much ignores the other SS when he is with us and he is more resistent to his mother's attempts to create mountains out of molehills. It was honestly so much nicer when he wasn't around as much.
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Your DH's response to the email should be
If SS wants to start coming on Friday night, You will need to go to court to modifed the visitation dates. I will not be available on Friday nights until the court has modified my visitation dates. Please tell Ss I love him and I look forward to his vistation on Saturday and Sunday. Thank you Have a good day.
Agree 100%!
Agree 100%!
I agree with this, but
I agree with this, but unfortunately, DH has been trained by many years of manipulation and gaslighting from MIL that he doesn't feel as if BM's behavior is terrible in any way.
BM has also told DH that she has noticed how much more "respectful" he is now that they are required to communicate through OurFamilyWizard. This was after she tried to get DH to attend a counseling session with her to "work out their "parenting" issues". BM, DH's communication to you has not changed, you've now gotten what you wanted, so you'll be quiet for the next two years. She's pretty much on a two year cycle of demanding mediation for non-issues. Next time, we'll just let her take DH to court as she is always threatening to do, because actually assuming positive intent or that she'll actually try to reach agreement on anything is just a fool's errand.
"BM, I was informes by SS,
"BM, I was informes by SS, you, and the courts that Friday visitations were traumatic for him. As I do not wish to contribute to more trauma, I don't believe it wise for SS to come on Fridays until he has been evaluated by a therapist to ensure Friday visitations are no longer traumatic. Once a mental health professional has signed off on SS's wellbeing, he may begin visitation again and we can discuss a modification to CS to reflect the additional visitation time."
She'll spew awfulness for a while, but don't play the game. Shut it down. If she is going to make these awful claims against you, then she can eat her words for a long while.
Oh, he's seeing a therapist.
Oh, he's seeing a therapist. According to BM, the therapist was sure to say that SS shouldn't come to our house at all. I believe her words, prior to the mediation, were "maybe after seeing a therapist, he'll be able to tell you how he really feels!!!"
In fact, she told DH that the only reason she demanded the mediation and the only reason she got BIL involved was because she was so concerned about SS’s well-being.
So much drama and I have no time for it.
UGH, the fact that your DH
UGH, the fact that your DH plays passive puppy dog to BM's manipulation would make me lose all respect for him. And he's enabling BM to turn his kids against him in the process.
It’s a bone of contention. I
It’s a bone of contention. I have suggested he seek therapy to undo years of programming by his mother that boundaries are bad and blame and shame are normal modes of human interaction. He’s too afraid to do anything because both his mother and brother have been telling him for years that he’s a terrible father and doesn’t care about his kids. Both tell him that he’s not nice enough to BM.
Do I wish I understood these dynamics before marrying him? Yes!! Do I think he can make progress and change? Yes, but it will take hard work and not caring what others think, including his children who have bought into BM’s stories that she is the victim.