Already over Thanksgiving
In early October, one SS called DH to ask if he could go to California to spend Thanksgiving with his grandparents, even though it's his year to be with DH. In response, DH sends a message to BM via OFW saying, "SS asked me if he could go to California for Thanksgiving. Please confirm." BM sends 9 paragraphs in response about how it was just SS's idea and she doesn't even know if her parents will be in California...and on and on and on about nothing. DH then replies to SS and says, "your mom says you haven't confirmed with your grandparents", but he then tells SS he can go (SS is nearly 16 and DH is over fighting with them about coming over). Then we don't hear anything. Weeks later DH sends SS a text asking if he's going to California. He replies, "Ya". Again, no word from BM at all about this and no word from anyone on whether both SSs are going or just one.
So, last weekend, SSs are with us and I have to drive one to basketball practice. So, I ask him if his brother is going, too. He replies, "No. I'm going because I wanted to see my grandparents new condo." I say something like, "I'm sure it will be nice to get away on your own" and that's that, but really, not sure why SS gets to set his own trips, esp on DH's time.
This same weekend, my mom (who is in town for Thanksgiving) tells MIL that she won't be able to go to MIL's house to help her cook because she's doing something with me and my DD. MIL replies, "that's fine because other SS will be with me to help me cook." Ok...MIL was at our house earlier in the day, but did not mention anything to DH about it.
Then today, BM sends DH a message saying, "are you going to pick SS up or am I dropping him off on Thanksgiving. And what time?" This is all in their agreement. She drops SSs off at the start of the holiday time, which is 9am on Thanksgiving. She also includes something about how she dropped other SS off at the airport and she'll be cooking all day (for whom, we don't know, since her parents will be in California and her kids will be with DH. Also, when I met DH he told me that she "didn't celebrate Thanksgiving" because she always wanted to go away with her DH (now ex husband #2)). So, DH replies and says, "you can drop him off at 9am." BM then sends him a nasty reply saying, "I mentioned that I was cooking all day, so if you really wanted to be amicable you'd pick him up. You're not even going to have to drop him off because your mother is doing that!" Um, okay, DH has rearranged his Friday twice in the last month because BM had "plans" and couldn't do drop off, like in their agreement, but sure BM just send your nasty message. Also, if you want him to pick up then just ask. No additional responses sent to her and I also pointed out to DH that his doing Friday pick up for her has earned him no good will, so he should remember that the next time BM is "in a bind" and can't drop SSs off like she agreed to at the last mediation.
At the exact same time, MIL is texting DH asking if it's okay if SS stays with her on Wednesday night (which is not DH's night). DH texts her and asks why BM is telling him that she's bringing SS home from Thanksgiving. MIL replies that she made plans for SS to stay at her house on Thanksgiving because BIL's kids are staying over. She didn't ask DH's permission for that, so not sure why she's asking him about Wednesday. DH assumes that BM contacted MIL to ask if SS could stay because she was too busy to drive him...while also emailing DH about what a jerk he was for not offering to pick up. BM has no idea what might be going on at our house that day, but always assumes we have nothing going on and can easily take on whatever responsibilities she doesn't want.
I just can't with these women. There is so much triangulation and poor communication from both of them that even simple things like following the custody schedule become long, drawn-out, whose-on-first drama fests. It makes every holiday miserable.
Also, still no idea what time MIL expects us to be at her house for dinner, no idea who will be there, etc. BM probably knows since she and MIL seem to be besties lately (a month ago, MIL showed up at my house unannounced because she made plans to meet BM at pick up), but I have no idea since MIL never tells me or DH anything. I've already had to see her once this week for my daughter's birthday. Seeing her twice in one week might kill me.