I'm having the hardest time. How do you all do it?
As a quick snapshot, my bf and I have been together since April 2017, we were long distance until October 2017 when I moved to HI, he has a son (now 4) who I adore and he splits custody with, he was married from 2015 - 2016 and only just got his divorce paperwork finalized a few weeks ago.
Our entire relationship he's been in battle mode with her, resenting every demand she has and all the attorney charge she's caused. He told me she tried making it to where my bf couldn't have any visitation with his son at all, she tried putting him in jail when he insisted on having time with his son, she actually DID have his fatehr put in jail when he stepped in, made constant threats and just created daily confrontation at the drop of a hat. But then when we started dating and were long distance, he called and asked if I would be OK with him going to the movies with her while she had their son. Um. WTF? It's confusing she asks him out on dates and then will turn and try and paint a nasty picture of him to the courts.
However, recently, they've been all nicey-nice to each other. They've had to use the My Family Wizard app and they message each other on it CONSTANTLY. I've talked to him about how I feel, and he is open about letting me see their messages and it isn't anything inappropriate, but for some reason I'm just furious over it. Just the fact that they talk at all. Recently it's caused me a level of anger and pain that makes me cry so hard it hurts my chest. In the past, I knew they messaged but it didn't bother me as much because he showed how much he didn't like her and would ask for my input on how to deal with her. I would help and make his tone nicer to her. Now I'm not involved, and he defends needing to talk to her. Which makes perfect sense, but now I feel like this unreasonable outsider.
A big issue that's come up is I don't feel like he involves me in plans the way I feel a partner should. This October will be the first time he can take his son to CA to see his family there, and he's been really excited to have him to himself during fall break. He invited me to go, but I was still looking into if it was possible since I didn't have a lot of vacation days left. The BM is also from CA and has family there, so without talking to me or asking how I felt about it first, he ended up offering to share his time with his son that week if she also wanted to take a trip to CA. Normally I would understand this is fantastic since their son will be able to see both sides of the family. But I'm soooo angry at him for not including me in this. I'm soooooo angry they're both going on this trip to CA (in my mind together) and I won't see him for over a week while they're both there. It's amplified my hatred towards her and resentment towards him. It turns out I'm not going on the trip and I'm feeling so emotionally unsafe and insecure.
I'm afraid I'm just not able to handle this. Just thinking about it as I type is making me shake and want to cry. I just HATE thinking about them interacting and the fact that he put HER first in this plan. I've been so insecure I've been looking to hear how much better I am than her, when that level of pettiness is not normally me. I wonder if meeting her might help me calm down, or if it will make things worse.
We have an appointment to go to couple's counseling starting in a couple of weeks. I just need help with this. It feels like my heart is physically being crushed. :(
This probably isn't what you
This probably isn't what you want to hear, but they don't sound emotionally divorced to me. Why would he ever want to go to a movie with a woman who tried to put him in jail, and DID put his father in jail? Co-parenting is fine, but this is not that - this is them still involved in an unhealthy relationship. It may not be sexual, but it's not the separate, boundaried relationship that divorced co-parents have to establish. I don't blame you for being upset.
Edit: Also - if you need couples counseling after a year and a half, it doesn't bode well for your relationship.
That's exactly what I've
That's exactly what I've thought, and I've told him I wanted to end it because of that. He insists he's over it and doesn't want our relationship to end. He's begged for us not to end but and I absolutely love him and the good we do have... but I don't know what else to do. It's eating me alive at this point.
I agree with sybarite below -
I agree with sybarite below - go to therapy on your own first. You need to sort all of this out. "Love" should not be this painful.
We both talked about couples
We both talked about couples vs individual and we decided on couples for two reasons. First, I have Kaiser and where I am, I can only see my therapist once per MONTH. When I started going, they made an error in scheduling me for the second visit, so my second visit was two months after the first. It isn't frequent enough for it to be effective for me. The second reason, my close friend is a therapist who does both individual and couples. She said if the reason I'm going is because of my relationship, it would help to have have context and help me through certain issues if he's there. But once open enrollment begins at my work I'm switching out of Kaiser so I can get weekly individual counseling.
This would really bother me
This would really bother me too. I had similar feelings when my SO and BM would have “nice” talks (about her relationships, etc), after some of the most hate-filled, dysfunctional communications I’ve ever seen and heard. They hate each other to the core. It was constant hate and fighting, almost to the point I couldn’t handle it. But then all of a sudden she would call and want to “talk”. And everything would be fine. WTF? It didn’t make sense to me and made me nervous. They use OFW now also, and there is never any chit-chat or phone calls, ever, Thankfully. It’s maybe two or 3 times a month, only when needed. And that is for two kids, one who had a medical condition that requires medication and extra Dr. appt’s. So it’s hard to believe they need to be in constant communication about one SS.
What are they communicating about exactly? Is it all about SS? It definitely seems like unneeded communication. It’s good to have a positive relationship when you share a kid, but there’s also going overboard.
I would be very bothered about the CA trip. Did you tell him it bothered you? What was his response? I honestly don’t feel like couples counseling is a nail in your relationship coffin. I would argue that even happy couples could better understand each other. I know couples who have done it even when their relationship wasn’t terrible. Adjusting to/navigating step life is hard for anyone.Why not get help with it?
Ugh calling your man just to
Ugh calling your man just to chat? I would say put her on speaker and she can talk to both of us since we're all "friends" here. Thankfully they don't call each other either.
BF and BM communicate about every little thing that has to do with SS, and about the dissatisfaction of tone/actions/behavior/whatever criticism they have about the other. Here's a typical string of communication that happens surrounding a hand-off:
BM: "Can you meet at X place at X time instead of the original plan?"
BF: "I can't because XYZ but I can do X time."
BM: "Ok that works. Also friendly reminder to please make sure he has XYZ with him. I'm always the one buying these and he's running low, so I would appreciate you sending him back with what is obviously needed. I'm tired of having to send reminders so please ensure moving forward this gets done."
BF: "I will make sure this is with him. But in the past 3 months I have purchased XYZ too, attached are the receipts for your reference. It looks like he needs more, so why don't we both purchase more."
BM: "This is not true but I, his mother, will purchase more in good faith."
BF: "Sounds good. See you soon."
BM: "I'm here, don't see you guys."
BF: "We're just now pulling up."
LIKE JESUS CHRIST SHUT UP. How are they both not completely exhausted?!
With the CA trip, yes I told him exactly how much it bothered me. He basically said sorry, I can see why you'd be frustrated. But when I brought it up again last night, he said we talked about this, it's time to move forward.
He is putting his EX before you
Hate to say that. Buts it’s black and white. He is still attached to EX or Happy Family with EX included. You don’t stand a chance in this three some. Did I say Three some ?? Leave now, before you waste more of your life on this
That's exactly what I'm
That's exactly what I'm gathering and what I've said to him. I moved all the way to this rock in the middle of the pacific for this relationship, so I'm trying my hardest. It's just so disappointing I'm not getting the same amount of sacrifice and committment in return.
OK - he's still relating to
OK - he's still relating to her in the same old way he did when they were married. Back and forth, back and forth - he'll have to learn to just limit the amount of information he gives her and how he communicates with her. That whole thing about how she's the only one who buys X,Y,Z, etc - he should just ignore. This could take him YEARS to learn how to co-parent with her without all of this crap back and forth. It did for my DH. If there is a BM who wants to exert control in this manner, it takes the men a long time to learn how to deal with it.
Question: Do you want to sign on for this? Do you plan to have kids with him? Are you sure love is enough? Think these through long and hard, especially how you will feel 10 years from now if this is still going on - and picture more court battles, more visitation issues, etc in those 10 years.
Your perspective really put
Your perspective really put some pieces together for me. Yes, he's still relating to her the same old way as when they were married. And yes, he has to ignore her controlling messages. It's been a year since I've moved here to HI for the relationship, and although there's been some progress, it's all stuff that should have happened before he started any relationship.
You must position yourself
You must position yourself within your marriage as an equity life partner and not the afterthought. Your SO engaging his XW and playing happy buddies with her during his CA trip is a huge red flag that you are not an equity life partner.
It took a while but I was able to get my bride to gain clarity on similar issues with my SS's SpermClan. We never lived near enough for anything other than long distance visitation. The CO stipulated 7wks of SpermLand visitation per year. 5wks summer, 1wk winter, 1wk spring. It also stipulated that any time after the first 10 days of summer visitaiton we could take 10 days with the kid to spend with my ILs in SpermLand. Sounds much like your SO is doing on this CA trip. The proble was that it was always a battle to get our 10 days so that we could incorporate that into our family visiting my IL tribe.
That hill isn't worth the climb IMHO. So we just quit and started beating the shit out of them in court for any deviation from the CO. One thing I didn't have to fight was being an all in equity life partner. My wife and I have always been on the same page regarding our all in equity life partnership coming before anything else. Including kids. Kids are the top marital responsibility but do not ever displace the marriage as the priority.
Time to tune your SO that you are not an afterthought. Of find a new SO.
The opposite of love.
The opposite of love is indifference. The opposite of love is NOT hate.
Being in constant battle with your ex is another way of still maintaining the relationship.
I went through this when I was first with ExDH. He and the ex used to argue. Then the next day, she would call him up and ask him for a Fondu recipe. There were many many other examples of this.
It was unnerving and it made me feel really insecure.
It died down over the years...but still.
I can look back with absolute clarity and realize now that he wasn't over it. He wasn't over the hurt of his marriage ending. Not only was it the wrong time for me to be with him....he was just the wrong man.
I'm not saying this is exactly what you're going through, but the most important thing I've learned from being married to him and subsequently divorcing him is this....
You have to ask yourself what it is you really want from a relationship/marriage. Once you figure that out, you have to BELIEVE that you are worthy of it. Next you have to TELL your partner what is is you want your marriage or relationship to be like. If your partner can't give that to you, you HAVE TO walk. Its that simple.
My husband had a psycho exwife
out for revenge in divorce. He is over her and can’t stand her, doesn’t love her but is civil with the kids when they talk about her but never comments about any bullshit the ex says because he doesn’t want a he said she said scenario. Hubby doesn’t want to see her ever. Any pick ups/drop off when kids lived with her were at driveway and ss went to front door to grab his sisters as hubby had sole custody of ss.
you’d think with a nasty divorce and her putting the dad in jail there would be no way in hell he’d want her. This isn’t normal going to movies together and excluding you if you are his partner. They are still emotionally married and you need to confront your partner about this