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More drama and games from YSD

Disillusioned's picture

SSIL's parent's were visiting YSD and her family last week. As per the usual from YSD, after they leave she posts about 60+ pictures on FB with lots of comments about how wonderful they are, how much they love them, enjoyed the visit, and so on

Always does this when SSIL's parent's visit 

And on the occassions BM has visited she had done the same, even including BM's now ex (pretty sure an ex due to OSD finally getting rid of him) SO. How much she loves and misses them, how great the visit was, etc..

On the occasions DH & I have visited, she has never posted anything at all, with the exception of a picture of her and DH and how much she loved the visit with him, loves and misses, him. 

Not one pic, not one comment, not one word about me of course. 

After our visits this did hurt my feelings at the time to be the only one excluded. Especially considering she doesn't seem to like her MIL very much and came right out and said on more than one occasion that her FIL is nasty. Yet even they get a big shout-out and as for me, someone she suppossedly likes (good one!) not one word. Even more disgusting when I think of whenever we have gone to visit I have done so much for her and her family, from a pile of gifts, to helping her with cooking, shopping, cleaning, running her around on her errands, bying them dinner, buying their groceries to help out, going pretty much wherever she has decided to drag DH & I. This list goes on

So basically she posts with tons of love and kudo's to her parents, step-parent with the exception of me of 23+ yeas in her life, and her parents-in-law of about 6 years

So glad I've finally disengaged from her! 

She has always put on a big show in front of DH and for DH that she really does just love me, or certainly a big show of how "nice" she is to me, so I always found all her slights, alienation, exclusion, and downright hurtful rude disprecful behavior towards me 'confusing'....that is until I realized that confusing behavior was actually passive/agreesive and at this point, I simply have no interest. She can post tons of great things about every single person in her life with the exception of me, or only of me LOL, I truly no longer care

JRI's picture

Step relations - they are different from all other human relationships, imo.  I think on one level, your SD does like and appreciate you.  But on another level, you don't really exist for her.  Anyway, thats how it seems in my family.  My SD and YSS are like your SD, fine on the surface but underneath not so much.  My OSS seems to sincerely like me.  It's all odd.  Anyway, I'd stay polite and civil and I wouldnt expect more from her.  Steplife -weird.

Disillusioned's picture

In your case JRI, I so hope that's true. You seem to have a good handle on your skids and so nice the eldest seems to sincerely like you!

In my case I believe it's much deeper than me simply not being important to YSD. Too many hurtful things said and done. I always thought OSD was the one with the most hosility, but I really beleive it is in fact YSD - she's just much more decietful about it

diver111's picture

Why don't you unfollow her on FB so you don't see these posts? I unfollowed my MIL and SIL and life is so much better! 

Disillusioned's picture

Considered that Diver, more than once, but it would just cause upset in our situation. Validation for SD who would say I am the one with the problem. For now, not worth the confrontation that would cause.... Sad

SacrificialLamb's picture

When I defriended my SDs and SIL, they morphed into huge victims, crying to DH they could not understand how I could defriend all of them at once. So yeah, it could backfire.

2Tired4Drama's picture

Seriously. The only account I have on FB is a pseudo one which I needed to have for work and is only for cursory look-arounds. I have no friends, connections, follows, nor likes.  I have no FB presence in my real name.  One of the main reasons is because I could see years ago that FB would become very problematic, especially if you were in a step situation.

The entire FB platform is nothing but a sh!t-stirrer for families and friendships. I don't need it in my life.

I have looked at the public-facing info my SD and her DH have posted over the years and it's almost identical to what you are experiencing, Disillusioned.

The posts are all professional photos making SD, her DH, dogs and now kids look like the cover of a magazine. Her DH also posts all these things about how important family is, photos of lavish dinner parties for HIS father, accompanied by hearts, likes and loving comments from BM.

Never, not once, a photo of my SO (father/grandfather) - at least on the public facing side and I am doubtful there is anything on the private side either.  When we last visited, I went out of my way to make sure that I was not in ANY photo that was taken. In fact, as usual, I took all the photos of everyone else with their cameras. If SD chooses to do something with them (post them, print them, whatever) at least I know there is absolutely no image of me nor will there ever be any comments or questions about me.

That's the way I want it. That's the way I've chosen to disengage. I treat SD like an arrogant young coworker I have to contend with but do not like nor respect. She gets the bare minimum of attention from me, in a cool, polite but detached way. 

Just as I wouldn't expect a young coworker to acknowledge me in any way outside of the workplace, I don't expect it from SD either. If I MUST be around her, which I avoid at all costs, I keep my mouth shut and don't make any comments on her personal choices nor do I mention anything about my life as I prefer to keep her out of it.

I know it is always disappointing, Disillusioned. But disengaging is the only solution. It is an ongoing process and there are things that crop up from time to time which cause simmering emotions to surface, like you are experiencing. 

The best thing to do is visualize it all like a bag of useless items that you have no need for, nor space for, in your life. Acknowledge the worthlessness, leave the bag at the curb, and keep on moving forward. 

 

 

AgedOut's picture

I like the way you put it: "That's the way I want it. That's the way I've chosen to disengage. I treat SD like an arrogant young coworker I have to contend with but do not like nor respect. She gets the bare minimum of attention from me, in a cool, polite but detached way"

2Tired4Drama's picture

I think it is helpful to try and frame these step issues in a way that we can logically address the emotions that often try to override the situation.

We all have had to deal with coworkers we don't like!  Or as my mother told me when I got my first job, "There's always going to be one a$$hole at work so get used to it."

Likewise, there's often going to be a$$holes in your personal life so figure out the best way to deal with them. Detached and distant is a very good way to (dis)engage.

Disillusioned's picture

Good insights 2Tired, and sounds like you have a good handle on what to do in your situation. Good for you! 

In my case, I do actually like FB. It's a great way for my family and friends to keep each other updated. I have a good network on there and usually lots of support. 

It's unfortunate that some people such as your SD and mine, would rather use it as a way to get back at people. But that's on them. Most of my family and friends know what she's like and they don't pay much attention to her posts either LOL. Whatever reaction she's seeking from me, she's not getting. 

Outside of FB, my disengagment and attitude towards my YSD is the same as you with yours She is to me exactly as you describe. Like a co-worker that is not a team player, and out to stir the pot. Someone that outside of work I would have nothing to do with, and when forced to be around that person am polite, mature and upbeat but do not consider my friend or family and avoid big time. 

As one poster said, my YSD is pleasantly irrelevant in my life! 

 

2Tired4Drama's picture

spend as little time with her as possible. Above all, do not be her personal maid - cooking, cleaning, shopping, errand running, etc.  The only doormat at her house should be the one outside the door. 

If you can afford it, I would strongly urge you NOT to stay with her in her home. Tell your DH (find any reason other than YSD) that you need to stay in a hotel because you need your rest. Or he should go and visit by himself. I would also find other things to do/people to visit while you are there, so your entire visit isn't just focused on SD. 

It worked out well for me recently as I spent as little time with SD and her clan as possible, yet got to catch up with friends and stay in private space without having to be under SD's roof. 

 

Disillusioned's picture

Smart 2Tired!

And at this point I don't plan on visiting her. I'm sure at some point in the near future she does plan to come here. Usually she spends all her time with BM, SIL and OSD as well as SSIL's parents, with as little to no time with DH & I as possible. That works for me!

And it will all be up to DH going forward during her visits to pay for things, cook, clean, run her errands, etc... she won't get that great consideration and effort from me again.

Just my pleasant distance, polite and friendly when I'm forced to be around her, with no personal information asked about her or her family or given about me or mine! 

Merry's picture

Ahhh, Fakebook. My SD is much the same. She is polite to me, sometimes friendly, in person. And that's it.

And it's fine with me. I wish we had a relationship, but, you know, I am the one who is SO unapproachable and controls her father. Right.

Disillusioned's picture

Funny Merry how they always blame the SM when they don't have the relationship with daddy that they think they should

I'm sure part of my YSD's issues with me right now is the fact that DH no longer calls and/or videos her every weekend for the regular Sunday "family" conversations

Ever since I told DH I would no longer participate on the Sunday phone calls to YSD, he stopped calling her. 

I asked him once or twice why, that I did not need to be a part of those calls in order for him to talk to her. I even rienforced that by reminding him that often she wouldn't even answer when 'we' called on the weekend, but then would call DH later in the week during a weekday in the middle of the morning or afternoon, when she knew  I would be working and therefore not available for the call. So if that was not evidence enough for DH that not only would it not be a problem it I wasn't participating in the family calls, but clearly SD would welcome it

DH still doesn't call her but then again, I think a lot of the daddy/daughter carrying on with them is more of a mutual attention-seeking need to "impress" others most especially me, somehow than anything else. When I'm not a part of those calls and it's just the two of them with no one to impress by their carrying on/alienation of non-family like myself, then it's just not nearly as dramatic or attention-getting for them LOL

Either way, like you, I'm sure I'm being blamed by YSD for the lack of every Sunday phone call from DH. She probably says the same as yours; I'm controling him, interferrring in their relationship, etc... Way easier to blame it on that that own up to your own insecurities and realize the disney relationship you put on show for others that is so important to you, is simply fake and not even remotely impresses me

CallMeCrazy's picture

You have been struggling with DH's daughters for many years now. Why, now that you no longer have minor skids, are you inviting this drama into your life by following SD's FB? I've unfollowed a couple of people who I swear post certain things just to annoy/poke at me and they probably quite enjoy it. What they don't know is that I stopped following them quite awhile back and I no longer care because it doesn't impact my life a whit. 

Life becomes very peaceful when you turn away from drama. Just unfollow them and don't give goofy excuses as to why you "can't." Disengaging is your friend. :) 

Disillusioned's picture

CallMe, I'm glad it worked in your case. In my case it's not that simple. I don't follow YSD LOL, mostly ignore her posts. But unfriending her on FB at this point would cause exactly what you and I are trying to avoid: huge drama, conflict and confrontation. In fact doing that would give YSD exactly the validation she needs to go running to DH to complain about how mean I am and set herself up to look at sweet and innocent

With that said, I have told me DH about her crap on FB and have told him I would simply like to unfriend her so I don't have to put up with her pot-stirring any longer. But I know that will simply cause a new war and more stress for DH which I don't want to inflict. 

I appreicate your comments and understand what you're saying. But that approach does not work in every case. Each of us needs to disengage appropriately for what works in our individual situations. And I've disengaged as much as humanly possible in my step-situation Smile

CLove's picture

Hey - I thought I had the trademark on this statement!

Its been a VERY long process for me as it doesnt come naturally - 7 years in and Im understanding that my role as giver, doer, provider, helper is not appreciated and actually has been used against me.

YSD - she sounds like shes a phoney and buys into the social media presentation without having anything real behind it.

Its sad that she excludes you. Passive agressively. What a biotch.

Ive blocked BOTH sds on Facebook as well as instagram, because eldest SD22 Feral Forger would report to her mother what we were doing and it was used to dig into DH, and SD15 Backstabber/Munchkin also saw what we were doing. And after school-gate, I just really want less and less to do with her. She also does the "reporting".

Perhaps with time things might change, but it seems we are always going to be cast in that role of the Evil SM who took away dadee...

SacrificialLamb's picture

Do you think maybe YSD knows she will face the wrath of BM if she says anything nice about you?

I am not trying to exonerate YSD. I know my own middle-aged SDs have an emotional cocktail of 1. fear of wackadoodle BM and 2. resentment that I have taken attention away from them that they feel they should still be receiving.

The important thing is, and you know this for all your time here, is to give zero reaction.  None. Zilch. Nada.

Disillusioned's picture

Absolutely Sacrificial! For sure peer pressure not just from BM, but OSD and SIL specifically I think have always played in to it

Add to that, yes, the belief that I've stolen all DH's attention and affection that is rightfully theirs, doesnt help!

But the great part of disengaging is you stop caring what or how they think. 

You simply try to be the best person you can in life, if they think wrongly of you and want nothing to do with you well that's on them and they can live with the consequences of the decisions they've made in life

I have a large network of supportive family and friends and give my time. love, money, attention to the people who are good energy in my life. 

For those who are toxic, I don't hate them or wish them any harm, they're simply irrelevant to me.