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Advice needed please

piegirl's picture

A couple of months ago I posted a hypothetical about attending BM's funeral. Well, that hasn't happened but there has been a death in the family. Just today, my SD's MIL passed, a lovely woman who has gone way too soon. I could do with some advice here about whether I should attend or not attend the funeral.

Currently only DH sees SD, SSIL & sgkids as they disengaged from me about a year ago, and I from them about 3 months ago. SD's MIL was a really nice person who was always nice to me, yet I only saw her when around SD's family, so haven't seen her for over a year. I would like to pay my respects, but really really don't want to encroach on SD & SSIL's grief. This definitely isn't time for one of my DH's reconcilliation attempts either! 

I was thinking of going, sitting up the back, staying out of sight and then sending a text later to SSIL saying that it was a lovely service for his Mom. Thoughts? Thanks in advance.

piegirl's picture

She was diagnosed as terminal 3 weeks ago. As if on auto pilot I sent SSIL a text saying how sorry I was to hear the news, he replied normally as though we weren't disengaged. As soon as I heard the news of her passing from DH I sent another text offering my condolences. Again, I did it because I wanted to do it. Even my greatest enemy I could have empathy for in this situation. 

I am concerned though that whatever way I go, attend or not attend might end up being used against me - kind of the SM curse. Damned if you do and damned if you don't.

tog redux's picture

Of course it will be, though it shouldn't be. Lots of people sent flowers/cards/donation but did not attend my father's funeral, and because my family is not crazy, no one held that against any of them, rather, we were appreciative that they paid their respects at all.

Don't try to get the approval of toxic people. 

advice.only2's picture

I see no reason you can't attend. I would just make it clear to our DH you are attending to mourn a woman you appreciated and that is all.

jam's picture

Since you are "Damned if you do! & Damned if you don't!, Do what you feel the most comfortable. If you don't want to encroach on steps grief, just sent flowers & a nice card.

Rags's picture

Just because your Skids are toxic POS manipulative people does not mean you are. 

Go, attend at your DH's side, pay your respects and if the toxic spawn and the shallow and polluted gene pool folks take exception, tough shit and that is on them.

Just be present, radiant, supportive of your DH and pay your respects.

The choice is yours regardless of what the toxic POS people may think.

Thumper's picture

Can you view the body several hours OR a day before the service in private.

You can call them and ask.


BethAnne's picture

Send a card and flowers. Write a nice note about how much you liked the MIL. Do not go to the funeral but you can do something that is meaningful to you for this woman. Donate some money in her name, plant something special in your garden, spend time contemplating her on a walk somewhere beautiful, bake a cake in her honor, put some flowers on her grave after the funeral or get yourself a check-up and encourage others to look after their health. 

Funerals are for the living. You are not planning on interacting with anybody there or supporting anyone else who is grieving, so why are you going? It seems you know that your presence may cause distress at worst or just make it uncomfortable for the family at best. Why would you put them through that? If you want time for yourself to grieve and contemplate you can make that time for yourself away from the funeral service.

If this was someone who you were closer to and had a more personal relationship with then I might give a different answer, but as it is someone that you seem not to have interacted with much but just liked them when you did spend time with them, then I do not think that you should go to her funeral. That does not mean that you cannot grieve or do something in her memory.