How much more can we take?

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Things haven't been good with OSD and DH for a while now, I disengaged 18 months ago and it keeps sane and safe! He has always allowed SD's to walk over him, classic Disney Dad behaviour. Finally stood up to OSD early this year, when he was invited to an event, asked if piegirl could come as well as was told that no, absoutely not, she is not welcome. He chose to not go to the event and tell OSD that while he wanted to go he could not condone her exclusion of me.

Since then, their relationship has been pretty frosty. However things really amped up for Easter. He sent messages to all the SD's wishing them a happy Easter (obviously no one can see eachother right now) and got a reply not from OSD, but sgkid who is in her first year of junior high. It was really mean saying that he should have come to the event in January and that she can't forgive him for not coming. That if he loves her, he should be doing what is important to her. That he was selfish etc etc...

Of course we saw this clearly as SD either writing or coaching this poor child, but it broke DH's heart again. I am actually worried for him - I don't know how much hatred he can handle. He messaged the sgkid back and said that he was sorry he couldn't be there for her but that it was a complicated adult issue.

Such a mess

I'm not familiar with junior

I'm not familiar with junior high ages, but apparently it is about 12 yrs old? Personally I think this is old enough for your DH to have said to her that he hadn't come since you were not welcome. If this girl is getting involved in her mother's fights she needs to know the truth.

Thanks Kes, yes she is 12

Thanks Kes, yes she is 12 years old. I like your thinking! I thought it was too young, but I am probably thinking of the 10 year old I remember from 18 months ago before I disengaged.

Unfortunately, you will have to take a lot...

In my opinion, a person who does this to their own children to punish someone else is a wickedly mean, abusive, unstable parent.

My husband is going on over 3 years of his 3 grandchildren held estranged. He has asked several times to pick them up for dinner or the park...silence. After a while you have to let it go or destroy yourself. Like you, my husband stood up for himself and our marriage and the nutto began.

It is never going to be better, or normal and unfortunately you either are going to have to take a lot or daddy is going to have to cave...beg...throw away his soul...and allow her to run the show permanently. She may come around, but make no mistake, he gets out of line (in her thinking) again she will withdraw again with her prizes. Reel him in cast him out over and over cycle of abuse.

My husbands almost 40 year old daughter was a spoiled brat who wasn’t happy unless she was in charge of everyone and everything. She treated myself and my family as outsiders, invaders who didn’t belong and we were all just supposed to quietly take it because that is what she wanted. Even pulling out all stops to manipulatively drag down other family members in to her black hole. She needs others to believe in her victimhood and misery to feel good about herself. Your husband needed to just be honest with his grandchild’s confrontation.

You need to buckle in and unfortunately, from my experience, just let it go or your husband and yourself be miserable. Your choices are living by her rules, including how she treats others, or living as you are now estranged from her and her children...those are your choices. She is not going to magically change who she is. This is the cycle. What your husband has created in his daughter is what he has to live with.

Take care of yourself, and let their crazy go. You will be miserable until you ignore it and let it go.

Such toxiicity these so

Such toxiicity these so called parents are doing to their children, and having to lose the grandparents too! I found with my kids, my parents were able to offer them such different experiences than I could, things from their era that I wouldn't have even considered doing with my kids. Sadly the sgkids will be bought up without this in their lives, instead lies about who their grandparent really is

Narcissistic gubm are like this

they involve their kids in adult matters they have no business meddling in. Its selfish and abusive to treat kids this way. They lack the basic life skills to understand whats going on and any issues between mum and dad are between mum and dad.

stop bringing your kids into it

It really makes me mad -

It really makes me mad - adult problems for adults, why do you need your 12 year old to send your messages? Leave them to be 12...or even better yet, stop speaking badly about others while the kids are in earshot.

They are all a collective

They are all a collective write off. Time for DH to do just that. Buh-bye SD and spawn of SD.

Agreed!!!

It got even worse...

Finally, they broke my DH.

The day after he got a mean message from the sgkid, he got a really long abusive text message from SD's DH (SIL). DH was floored as he and SIL have been friends years, quite aside from being married to the SD. DH decided he needed to go and see the counsellor who after reading the message told him his only option was to let them go.

He has sent them a message today saying goodbye and that he will only speak to them again if and when they decide to approach him with an open mind and heart with resolution in mind.

Of course he is hurting right now, but I think he is going to find our home (and his mind and heart) will be so peaceful with the toxicity gone.

Thinking of you all - stay safe

Piegirl...

Your husband is doing the absolute best thing for all involved...sadly.

Stay strong and help him to do so...there will be more to come, from my experience. She will throw out some bait from time to time for him to engage her...don’t bite!

Take care and support one another. Your life will improve without her sick drama making.

Be well, live better, and stay healthy!

Have to say that is something

Have to say that is something I already considered and am already concerned about. He doesn't have much strength when it domes to the SD's - I hope he will be able to see the bait (when it comes in) for exactly what it is

If your DH is like mines, he

If your DH is like mines, he will be able to see the bait once YOU disengaged and removed yourself from their (SD's) target. Their issue really is with your DH not putting them first before you and trust and believe your SD's will have no choice but to air their grievance with the person they deems responsible once you disengage, your DH. You have already removed yourself as the scapegoat and neither your SD's or DH can blame you. Not only are you no longer your DH buffer, you are no longer their drama supply or scapegoat. Your DH will be telling you how done he is with them very soon because NOW he gets the raft of their menace and most these Disney dads don't know how to deal with their precious poopsies with the female chromosome aka SM being DONE...

It's awesome when you haven't

It's awesome when you haven't seen a spoiled SD brat in 5 years. If a complaint comes up, you don't need to say anything but "huh? I haven't seen her in 5 years! What did I do now?"

My DH never saw what I pointed out because of his fragile male ego being defensive. It wasn't until I was so far removed that he questioned what was going on. Because men like their comfort first, and he was not comfortable with his kids insinuations/demands.

Disengagement rocks. The SM has peace, and the skid digs their own grave.